So did you fuck her
yeah i'll explain what went down in a few
what happened don't leave me hanging
aight fam sit tight, here's what went down
I realize that this thread may have seemed a little bit "out of character" for me, but to be clear, I really did meet a cute girl the other day, and she really did meet the description in the title. I don't wish to have sexual relations with her any more than I do with the average girl; I was merely expressing my attraction to this particular girl using comedic hyperbole.
I
did wish to have sexual relations with this girl, though, so I decided to take your advice. I'm actually pretty good with women, though, so I didn't need most of it. Honestly, I just made this thread to brag a little. Nonetheless, your input was appreciated and I'm glad I have so many people who look out for me here, even if I don't always need it.
So, before I left, I needed to care of a few things--and if you're a guy my age, you know exactly what I'm talking about. I'm not someone who jerks off anymore, but unless you're socially awkward, you know that it's wise to rub one out before interacting with anybody of the opposite sex. This way, your mind is purged of all sexual thoughts and feelings, allowing you to speak to any female without saying anything uncouth. Personally, I haven't nutted in weeks, so I needed to double it up in order to feel purged. Since it takes me 20-30 minutes to get done, though, this gave me less time to do other things, like wash my hands. And shower. But I already showered yesterday, so it seemed like an innocuous sacrifice.
After finishing, I started thinking about the possibility of rogue elements entering the equation. Perhaps that guy I saw would be with her. I couldn't allow that to happen; I needed a weapon. I didn't have any in my house, so I settled with a kitchen knife. I didn't expect to use it; it was a "just in case" type deal.
I didn't want to take too many risks with my clothes--just a pair of jeans and a simple t-shirt that suggests that I'm a simple man with simple interests. Which isn't true, of course, but I needed to create that impression so I can surprise her later with my interests.
Out of habit, I put on my long black winter jacket, even though the snow has largely begun to melt away and the temperature is reasonable. I chose to keep it on, though, for two reasons--1. it has large pockets on the inside that are perfect for concealing my blade, and 2. honestly, I don't wanna brag, but it just made me look cool as fuck. I pictured myself walking up to this girl with this jacket on and felt my confidence skyrocket.
The final step--the cool hairspray--was somewhat botched, but I think it ended up working out in my favor. There's a bottle of men's hairspray that I never use, yet whenever I showered, I would look at it wistfully and tell myself, "Yeah, I'm gonna use you one of these days." This, clearly, was that day; but alas, the bottle was totally empty. All was not lost, however--I decided to use one of my mother's bottles instead. This ended up being better, because there were so many lovely scents to choose from. Ultimately, I went with mint & pineapple.
I went with the hair slicked back look, with my own unique spin since my hair is shoulder-length. I thought about whether I should wear shades--I brought a pair and stuffed them in my jacket pocket as a compromise. Unfortunately, I forgot to take pictures, but basically, I was like a cross between John Travolta in Pulp Fiction and Fabio.
I was ready to go. I can't drive, so I have to take public transport. I usually see her at the stop anyway.
She wasn't there, though. A bunch of other students were sitting around, studying, waiting to get picked up or whatever--but the cute girl wasn't there. I thought I got all dressed up for nothing, and it was such a windy day--it was fucking with my hair and blowing pineapple scent around, but I tried not to let that bother me. I needed to check the time, but since I left my phone home like I always do, I had to pull out my laptop--but the fan on my laptop is busted, so whenever I boot it up, it makes this loud-ass
WHIRRRRRR noise. In order to get it to stop, I have to smack the shit out of it. After that, it takes about 30 minutes to start up. I should've gotten it repaired.
So, as I turned the machine on, I knew exactly what was coming--so I donned my shades. If I was gonna spend the next five minutes spanking the shit out of my laptop in public, I should at least look cool doing it. I just pretended like I was the only person who existed.
About seven smacks in, I really started to feel the stares, so I just gave up and stuffed the fucking thing back into my rolling backpack. I tried doing a cool "what the hell" gesture towards the people watching, but nobody saw.
Then I looked over and saw the girl, who may or may not have been watching the whole time. She still had her cat ears, but she was sitting alone, about five yards away from me. Instantly, I started getting excited--maybe I should've jacked off a third time.
Since I'm smart, though, I knew I wasn't gonna be able to just walk up to her and ask her out. That's not how it works, kids--you have to wait for the right moment. And wait I did--for the next 10 minutes, I sat there staring at her, just biding my time. I know what you're thinking--"That's kinda creepy, Verb," but REMEMBER: I was wearing my sunglasses, so she can't tell if I'm staring at her or not. If anything, the possibility that I could be staring at her probably gave her some sexual excitement. You have to think like a slayer to be a slayer, my friends.
Anyway, within minutes, I had my moment. She was scribbling something in her notebook when she brushed her phone off her table with her shoulder. As it hit the ground, she reached out for it, but instantly, I took action. With my eyes locked on her fallen phone, I ran as fast as I could up to her, snatched it, and placed it gently into her lap.
It all happened so fast, I didn't quite understand what she said, but I'm pretty sure she said "Thank you" with an understandably perplexed look on her face. It's not often that someone as nice as me comes along to make people's days better, so she wasn't used to it. I responded by just saying "Yeah" with a smile, while nodding vigorously--which is my way of letting her know how much I like her, but the confused expression didn't leave her face, so that obviously didn't deliver the message--so I bowed, making it look as cool as possible. But then the unthinkable happened.
As I was bowing, my kitchen knife fell right out of my jacket. This was the only flaw in my plan, and I utterly failed to account for it. The knife bounced along the pavement three times, each clang more quiet than the last, before landing.
I tried to make the best out of the situation by smiling and hobbling over to the knife, but as I reached ot for it, I saw another hand reach out to it and pick it up instead--it was hers. Briefly, as she placed the knife back into my hands, our hands brushed together. She had a meek little grin on her face, and I was trying to keep myself from beaming too hard--the whole time, I'm thinking, "Did we just have sex? Did we just have sex?"
Confidently, I said "Thank you" in the deepest voice I could muster. She just slowly nodded and went back to her writing--cool as a cucumber. She may have even been cooler than I was. I took a few steps back while nodding, realized how awesome that was, and turned away, before I realized I had never asked for her name.
I walked back and told her mine, while offering a handshake. When she offered hers, though, I realized I forgot to wash my right hand after jacking off with it twice in a row, so I retracted it, leaving her hanging--but, because I'm a master of turning awkward situations into Don Juan scenarios, I brought my hand to my scalp and brushed it back a little. You know, like that thing that people do?
Anyways, her name was April. I'll definitely try to talk to her again soon.
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