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Gaming / Nintendo Direct 3/8 (2PM PT)
« on: March 08, 2018, 01:11:26 AM »
Tune in 3/8 at 2pm PT for a Nintendo Direct featuring upcoming #NintendoSwitch and Nintendo #3DS games, including new details on #MarioTennis Aces!

prepare for fucking nothing

>free games
>every month
>just downloaded Knack and Rime
>for free
>and i get to keep them
>for march, we're getting the new r&c and bloodborne

like i knew you could just get games, but i didn't know you could KEEP them forever

that's the best shit i've ever seen

and people are STILL pretending PS+ is bad LMFAO what a fucking joke

The Flood / Top 10 Best Japanese Cartoons of 1995
« on: February 25, 2018, 06:27:36 PM »
Anime is the worst thing ever.

But at some point last year, I decided to finally start doing what I had been joking about doing for the past several years: watching every single anime ever created, just to take a steaming dump on the entire industry.

"Wait, if you hate anime, then why are you trying to watch all of it?"

Like bronies and furries, anime fans have this troublesome tendency of being completely unable to comprehend the idea that someone could hate anime. It's very common for them to say things like, "You can't hate anime, because anime isn't a genre, it's a medium! It's like saying you hate movies!" without realizing that, yes, believe it or not, some people do hate movies. Some people do hate music. All of it. The entire medium. They hate it. And you know what? It's perfectly fine if you're that person. Some art forms aren't for everybody. I'm personally not terribly impressed with photography as an art form. You wouldn't call someone closed-minded for not being into sculpture. Some people don't even read literature. It's not that big of a deal.

But to anime fans, it kinda does seem to be a big deal. They refuse to accept it. They'll ask you unrepentantly to justify why you hate anime, and when you give them a few perfectly valid reasons, they'll try to recommend you some shit like Cowboy Bebop, only for the show to end up containing everything you hate about the medium. I've seen it happen time and time again. And then when you tell them that the show sucks, they STILL won't fucking give up. They'll do anything in their power to try to convert you into some disgusting weeaboo. They'll say something like, "Unless you've seen every single anime, you can't say that you hate anime." This is their desperation move. Their final trump card. They say it with this faux confidence, because they know you're not actually crazy enough to try every single Japanese cartoon ever created, so they think you'll have no choice but concede their point.

They didn't count on me, though.

I'm that crazy guy they didn't expect to actually watch every single show, and while I still have quite a ways to go, I'm still well on my way, and I'm not gonna stop because I find this shit incredibly amusing. Imagine the look on some stupid weeb's face, the next time they try to pull that shit on me, and I drop my complete anime list on them. It'll be fucking glorious.

But it's also a little self-servicing, I noticed. And at some point, it became apparent to me that I didn't really have much of an endgame beyond being smug on the Internet. As a result, I thought I'd go ahead and spread some goodness while I'm on this crusade.

While, in the long term, my endgame is to eventually make liking anime a felony punishable by death, my short term goals are much more modest and easily attainable. I'm watching every anime so that nobody else who hates anime ever has to. Someone who hates anime, yet still wants to give one a try for the fuck of it, can come to me with the good promise that I'll be able to recommend you something you might enjoy based on your specified tastes.

What I can't promise is that you'll be guaranteed to enjoy it. As a disclaimer, there may well be nothing at all for you here. You know how weebs like to say there's a show out there for everybody? Sometimes, that's not true. And that's perfectly fine. Great, even. Your taste in media is pure. You are above everyone else who likes anime. Be proud.

That's the important difference between me and a shitty anime fan. I'm not gonna sit here and tell you, a person who already hates anime, to start watching anime. If you've already decided that anime is gay and retarded, you've already passed. You've already gotten that A+. I'm not gonna recommend anything to you. You've already won, and in some ways, I envy you. No anime fan is going to tell you any of this.

But for those of us cursed with the nagging ailment of open-mindedness, however, I'm here to provide you with a list of every single anime that is worth watching from the year 1995. Why that year? Because it's the year I was born, so it felt like a pretty good starting point. From here, I also plan to make a list for 1996, 1997, and so forth, until I've seen absolutely everything that presently exists. At some point, I might start going backwards, too, but I'm not sure when.

Before we begin, it should be noted that I wasn't actually able to watch literally everything ever released in '95, because not every show is available on Internet video streams. Sometimes, the only options are to either buy or download the show, which is something that I'm probably never going to do. Morally speaking, I do not condone piracy, and I realize I'm a big fat hypocrite, but watching illegal streams is the only way for me to feasibly complete this task, and I'm providing free advertising for some of these shows anyway, so maybe it's not such a big deal. The only things I'm really missing out on are shows like Bit the Cupid, and I don't think it's terribly important for me to have seen stuff like that to make this list.

Nonetheless, I put myself through a LOT OF STUPID SHIT to make this list, so I hope you'll appreciate that.

Oh, and one more thing, just to be clear: I rarely watch entire shows. If I think a show is good enough to watch all the way through, then I will. But if I don't like a show by the third episode, I'm most likely going to drop it, which was the case for 95% of the things I watched for the year 1995. Sometimes, I'd even drop a show on the first episode. As such, several of the shows I wound up dropping may very well have gotten much better after those early episodes. I'm just not insane enough to put myself through a 30 or 50-episode series just to wind up disliking it.

My personal philosophy has always been that, if you cannot instantly grab me with that first episode, then your show is fucking garbage regardless of how much better it gets. Is that totally fair? Maybe not, but I don't think anyone can blame me for taking up this philosophy. Maybe some way, when I'm thrown completely off the deep end, I'll start watching entire shows exclusively the moment people start saying "You can't say you hate this show until you've seen the entire thing!" but for my sanity's sake I'm probably just going to ignore comments like that.

On to the list.

#2. Magnetic Rose (from Memories*)
彼女の想いで - Kanojo no Omoide

Yeah, that's right, #2. I'm doing the YourMovieSucks thing, where I put "Top 10" in the title, but the list doesn't actually contain ten items. It doesn't make any sense to make an arbitrary list of ten things to recommend to people if there weren't even ten things worth trying in the entire fucking year. That said, if there were thirty shows worth recommending to you from this year, then this list would've been thirty items long. Unfortunately, in this case, I only found two things that are 100% worth your time, so this list is only going to be two items long.

And they both have asterisks, too, meaning that these are not even universal recommendations. Keep that in mind.

Based on a 1990 manga by Katsuhiro Otomo, Magnetic Rose is actually a short film in a series of three other short films, all put together in an anthology of sorts called Memories. It was directed by Kōji Morimoto (known for his work on The Animatrix) and, perhaps more notably, was written by Satoshi Kon of Paprika, Perfect Blue, and Tokyo Godfathers fame. It's the only short film that I am recommending in the entire anthology, hence the asterisk, for reasons I will go over later.

For those of you who found yourselves enjoying Cowboy Bebop, look no further than Magnetic Rose to find something that may have directly inspired it, at least in terms of setting. Whereas Bebop has always sort of been the go-to recommendation from anime fans as the #1 thing to watch in order to get yourself into anime, Rose predates it by three years and is, in my opinion, a much better thing to watch if that is your stated goal.

Set in deep space about a century into the future, the story follows a small group of astronauts on a mission aboard the freighter Corona to forage around for scraps and other space garbage that they can use or sell. After receiving
a distress signal from an abandoned station, Heintz, our main protagonist, is joined by his partner Miguel to investigate, and without getting into spoilers too early, they end up finding some weird shit.

Tense, low-key, and beautifully animated, Magnetic Rose excels at what a lot of other anime do not—creating a vibe and atmosphere that feels grounded and realistic without sacrificing theme and engagement. Realism is not necessarily a good thing in and of itself, but it works in this film's favor because of how it attempts to earn its pathos, which I think it does. As events unfold, and backstories are revealed, the film's gritty and grounded nature really helps to bring out some of its more emotionally provocative moments, and there's certainly a couple to be had here.

Its themes aren't very subtle, but you can tell it's not exactly trying to be, and it doesn't wind up becoming a huge problem. It plays around with the notion that our memories are simultaneously real and imaginary. Or are they? The things that haunt us from our past may always be with us, but so will our past triumphs. We all wish we could go back to a time in our lives when everything was happier, but if you had the opportunity to recreate such a world, would it be worth it? Courteously, the film doesn't really answer these questions, allowing us to have our own personal views, and the questions are laid out in a satisfyingly artistic fashion, with a lot of cool (if a bit on-the-noes) symbolism.

At a run time of 40 minutes, it's probably not going to make you cry or anything, but there's just enough characterization, and the pacing and overall direction feels so tight and perfect, that you'll probably end up feeling some kind of way as soon as shit starts getting real.

One of my favorite things about the film is how the music, a chilling operatic score composed by Yoko Kanno (who went on to make music for Cowboy Bebop, fittingly enough) is beautifully woven into the plot itself. It's not like other shows, where the music is just there by sheer necessity. This time, it's very purposeful and deliberate, while perhaps paying tribute to 2001: A Space Odyssey at the same time (maybe, maybe not).

I'd like to stress how much I appreciate the realism of these characters, though. The way they interact with not only each other, but also their environment, is meticulously crafted to feel as palpable as could be, and I had a blast looking around for little details that I hadn't caught earlier. There's a scene where a piano is played, and I tried to study whether the specific keys being pressed actually matched up with the tones that a real piano would play, and I might be tone deaf, but I think they actually do match up. It's little details like that that I'm always trying to look out for, because it shows that the director actually cared.

That doesn't mean it's perfect, though. There are certain things that could've been done better. For one, the film's short length doesn't lend much time for some of the other crew members to get any characterization. They get a little bit, but not quite enough for me to feel as though their characters fleshed out as much as they could've or should've been.

There's also a couple of awkward scenes that had me going, "Huh?" Like, there's a part where Miguel gets stuck in his space suit for a second, and the film makes it a point that you see how much he's struggling, but then Heintz is just like "it's okay, just pop it off!" and, you know, I was kind of expecting to see how he would pop it off. But later, the scene just cuts to him safely out of the suit. And I'm like, what, you're not gonna show us how he did that? What was the point of having the scene, then?

I can also see people watching this movie and considering it a little slow, boring, and kinda predictable. I would agree that the film tends to telegraph its punches a little bit, but it honestly didn't affect the overall quality for me. It's really more about the concepts being explored than how the events transpire, and if that's not what you're looking for, then this one probably isn't for you I guess.

Overall, Magnetic Rose is a pretty cool film that I was able to enjoy. It's no masterpiece; I'd give it a 7/10, which is my absolute cutoff point for things being put on any of my lists. I've always had a thing for exploring troubling philosophical messages and themes over some dark and gorgeous visuals that make you think for a little while, and this short falls rather neatly under that description. If it sounds like something you'd enjoy, then I'd check it out.


Oh, and before I forget: in case you were wondering about the other two short films from Memories, Stink Bomb and Cannon Fodder, I am not recommending either of them. They're just not as good. I suppose if you want to have the full Memories experience, you can go ahead and try them out, because there's supposedly a common thread that links all the stories together. One that I personally haven't been able to find for myself, so I don't view it as important to see the other two shorts. But if you do, and you wind up disliking them, don't come crying to me, 'cause I warned ya.

#1. Golden Boy**
ゴールデンボーイ - Gōruden Bōi

BEHOLD. The ultimate guilty pleasure show.

Now, if you know anything about my taste in anime, you're probably wondering why the fuck an ecchi anime (AKA softcore porn) is on this list.

The reason is simple: It's the very first anime to ever make me laugh. Out loud. Hysterically. In spite of everything I hate about this fucking show, it's still the funniest anime I've ever seen.

See that double asterisk, though? Yeah, that means it's going to be fucking impossible to recommend this show to almost anyone, but I will try my hardest to explain to you why I'm personally able to look past all the retarded shit that this show has, and just have a good time with it. Okay? Okay.

In a nutshell, I'm not one for perverted sexual humor. I'm just not. If you're going to have a show that is based primarily around that type of humor, it has to be done a certain kind of way. Golden Boy, in my opinion, does it in a way that I'm able to tolerate, but be extremely entertained by.

Based on a manga from 1992, Golden Boy is a short series of six OVAs released throughout the years 1995 and 1996. It follows the story of Kintaro, an unemployed "freeter" (unemployed Japanese guy) and horndog who drops out of college to travel the country in search of odd jobs so he can live life as a free spirit. He's an insufferable pervert, though, and gets horribly distracted by all the beautiful women he meets (and pisses off) along the way. Though he's never able to "score" with any of these women, he does end up winning them over emotionally with his good work ethic and capacity to fix all of the problems that he inevitably causes with his bumbling idiot tendencies.

For the love of GOD, if you're going to watch this show, you need to follow these rules:

1. Watch the dub.
2. No, seriously, watch the fucking dub.
3. Try to come at it with an open mind.
4. Don't take it seriously.
5. Watch the fucking dub.

Kintaro's English voice actor absolutely makes the entire show for me, and I couldn't tell you if the show would be worth watching without it. It's that fucking important. Doug Smith had so much fun shouting all these ridiculous lines in that stupid voice, it's extremely difficult for me not to crack a smile every single time I hear Kintaro speak.

It's not just the voice, though. The over-the-top nature of the show's comedy and pacing is sure to turn a lot of people away from it, but the reason I'm able to tolerate it is because it's clearly self-aware about it. It knows its stupid, it knows its retarded, and it's made all the funnier because of it.

Part of what helps me enjoy the show, too, is when I view it as an exaggerated parody of the male psyche. Kintaro is a hardworking guy with a good heart, but at the same time, all he can think about is sex, because he's a young twenty-something guy straight out of college. He just wants to get laid, but he's aware that there's more to life than just sex. He's not just your average bullshit self-insert fuckhead with NO personality, and who anyone can project themselves onto for the sake of facilitating wish fulfillment—he honestly just comes across as a good guy, only he's cursed with an overactive libido. Dare I say, he's the most complex ecchi protagonist of all time (not that I go out of my way to watch this shit).

In short, the difference between Golden Boy and every other ecchi series is that Golden Boy has characters. It has writing. The situations Kintaro finds himself in are not only hilarious, but are rather well-written for something of this genre. It's self-aware. It's not a cheap glorification of sex. It's lampooning male sexuality. There are times when the fanservice does go a little overboard, which is why I can't give it anything higher than a 7/10, but it's the more intelligent aspects of the show (and Doug Smith's amazing voice work) that kept me watching until the end.

That all being said, if you already hate anime, I can guarantee that you will probably hate this series too. So I'm not gonna recommend it to you. In particular, if your name is Flee, you should avoid this one like the plague. You will get absolutely nothing out of this show. But if sexual humor doesn't bother you at all, and you wanna try something a little bit different that challenges the notion of whether such perverted shows can still be funny, or at least cleverly written, I'd definitely check this one out.

If you end up thinking it's total abject garbage, don't worry. I completely understand and I don't blame you at all.

Sometimes I think back to this show, and all the stuff that happens in it, and I ask myself, "Wait, do I really like this? Do I seriously enjoy this show?" and as embarrassing as it is to say, I can't lie to myself. Here's the bottom line: It's a comedy, and comedies are supposed to make you laugh. And this show made me laugh. So, I guess that means it fulfilled its ultimate purpose, right?

...Boy, this is SO educational.


And now for a bunch of shows and movies that didn't quite make my list, but are still worth mentioning.

You might call these "honorable mentions."

Neon Genesis Evangelion - Often regarded as the greatest anime of all time. I just think it's okay. When I saw it for the first time, it was only after being essentially goaded by Ian to shit all over it, so I took that as a free pass to basically look for reasons to hate the show, coloring my perception. When I rewatched it with a more objective mindset, however, my opinion of it did indeed increase, but I'm still not totally in love with it. The best thing I can say is that it's an extremely groundbreaking and important show that inspired many of the anime that currently exist today. Does that in itself make it worth watching? I can't really decide that for you. It's a strange case.

Bonobono - Just a good wholesome kid's show with adorable characters and a cozy atmosphere. Maybe check it out if you're still in touch with your inner child, or something, or if you've ever been curious to see what kid's shows are like in Japan.

Romeo and the Black Brothers - Also known as Romeo's Blue Skies, this is a relatively popular World Masterpiece Theater production which is adapted from a famous German children's story called Die schwarzen Brüder. It's decent enough, I suppose, but nothing I would recommend to a non-anime fan.

Whisper of the Heart - It's a Studio Ghibli movie written in part by Hayao Miyazaki, and is one of the studio's lesser known films. I personally wasn't into it, but I think I've given you all the reasons you need to check it out for yourself.

No, Ghost in the Shell did not make either of the two lists. It's fucking garbage. Sorry.

Here's hoping 1996 isn't as shitty.

Gaming / sequels you want, but will probably never happen
« on: February 22, 2018, 01:20:59 PM »
let's see if we can't jinx it

Virtua Fighter 6

The Flood / Hot takes
« on: February 20, 2018, 10:14:53 AM »
i'm going to post one random hot take in this thread per day, of varying lengths and coherence

Digital art can never and will never be as impressive as hand-drawn art. The intimacy of pen on paper, oil on canvas, etc. on top of the additional skills required to master those methods, like knowing how much pressure you have to put on the graphite as you're drawing, or knowing what specific two colors you need to mix in order to make the perfect shade, tint, or hue that you're looking for, among other things, are aspects that will forever be lost on digital art.

In hand-drawn art, making a big enough mistake means your piece is ruined and you have to start from scratch, and people did this for centuries. You also have to pay quite a hefty sum for all the materials required, some of which may not even be available to you. Digital art removes all of these problems, which may be an objectively good thing and all, but as a consequence, art made on a system where you never have to worry about running out of supplies or making any mistakes at all means that digital art cannot ever be truly impressive.

Show me a perfect and evocative self-portrait made with digital software, and I'll be like, "Cool." And then I'll forget about it the next day.

Show me a self-potrait like Jean-Paul Laurens, which was made during a time before any of the cushy technologies we use today were created, and I'll be fucking floored. It's fucking INSANE how people were able to make such realistic pieces with absolutely nothing to make the job easier, except for a mirror.

Talent isn't that cool. There are other factors going into this that I find a lot more interesting. Your art should have me wondering how the fuck you even made it in the first place. A wow factor, a je ne sais quoi. You don't get that with digital art because everybody understands how you were able to make it. You spent many hours on your tablet and pressed "undo" for every error a million times until you had it just right. It certainly takes talent, and a lot of perseverance, but it still doesn't leave me wondering, and that's part of what makes art of this kind beautiful.

The Flood / there is ONE good paul joseph watson video
« on: February 12, 2018, 10:51:48 AM »
and i have $1 in amazon credit to whoever can guess which one it is

Not the most fun thing to think about, I know, but I've actually been thinking about it a lot lately.

Just two people for me: Trent Reznor and Shigeru Miyamoto.

I'm not normally one to get all bent out of shape about celebrity deaths. The last one that affected me in any way was David Bowie, and before that, I hadn't really felt very much at all over any dead famous person's death besides shock.

But Trent Reznor's music has scored my life for as long as I can remember, and has gotten me through so much shit (not that I've "been through" very much shit, but still), and Miyamoto-san is basically responsible for my entire childhood, as well as pretty much everything else that I still enjoy about life, as sad as that sounds.

I put these people on a massive fucking pedestal that I know I probably shouldn't. I've never met them, never will, and I'm not even sure if I'd want to. But their works have had such a significant impact on my life, so I don't think it's completely irrational to be emotionally attached to them in some way.

I can't really think of anybody else. Knock on wood.

The Flood / Fuck updates
« on: February 02, 2018, 12:31:32 PM »

Serious / what is your most radical belief
« on: February 01, 2018, 03:33:54 AM »
so i just got done watching trump's sotu address, which nobody has made a thread about for some reason

and it merely reinforced my genuine and most heartfelt belief that everyone who voted for trump should be tortured in the worst and most horrific ways imaginable for the rest of their lives

that's probably my most radical belief now, even more than the anti-natalism thing

i hate all of you

no explanations required or anything, just give numbers to things


all you need to know about how i rate games:

- i tend not to use decimals in order to force myself to be as hardline as possible
- i try my best to balance subjectivity with objectivity, mixing personal opinion with the game's undeniable accomplishments
- every game starts at 5/10 when i first play it, and goes up or down depending on how i'm feeling about it
- i choose not to give 10/10s like candy in order to reserve them for games that are truly special (same goes with 0/10)
- 6/10s are not bad, but decent; the threshold for badness is below 5/10
- 8/10+ is where you want to be
- games released before the year 1990 are exempt from my /10 scale and get 0-4 stars instead, where (****) = a beyond-classic game that is still worth popping in to this day, and ( ) = no stars, which is basically just "shitty game; don't play it" (basically, receiving any stars at all is a good thing)

a lot of people really hate assigning numbers to things, whereas i personally get off to it

i've been meaning to make a video series (or something) where i autistically ramble about the greatness of rating scales and how they're really only as arbitrary as you want them to be

i don't usually play games i dislike to completion, so you're not gonna see many low scores

if the game cannot be "beaten," like Space Invaders, then i go by whether i played it long enough to get the idea

also my list is probably not comprehensive, i'm just going by memory, but i will update it over time as i see fit

TitleYear of releaseSystem I played it onRatingNotes
Adventure1980Atari 2600***
Altered Beast1988Genesis
Amazing Island2004GameCube7/10
Animal Crossing2001GameCube8/10
Asteroids1979Atari 2600**not a fan, sans vector graphics
Balloon Fight1984NES***
Battle Arena Toshinden1995Sega Saturn5/10
Breakout1976Atari 2600***
Castlevania1986NES****probably the best NES game
Chocobo Racing1999PS14/10
Comix Zone1995Genesis8/10
Crazy Taxi1999Dreamcast6/10
Crystalis1990NES9/10the most underrated NES game
Donkey Kong1981NES**
Donkey Kong Country1994SNES7/10
Dr. Mario1990NES6/10it ain't no Tetris
Dr. Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine1993Genesis8/10
Duck Hunt1984NES*
E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial1982Atari 2600*there are far worse games
Ehrgeiz: God Bless the Ring1998PS17/10
Fallout 32008PS36/10
Gauntlet: Dark Legacy2000PS27/10
Gauntlet: Seven Sorrows2005PS24/10
Half-Life 22004PS38/10
Halo: Combat Evolved2001Xbox5/10
Jade Cocoon: Story of the Tamamayu1998PS18/10
Jak & Daxter2001PS26/10
Jak II2003PS28/10
Kid Chameleon1992Genesis6/10
Killer Instinct1995SNES8/10
Kirby's Dream Land1992Game Boy5/10
Kirby's Adventure1993NES8/10
Kirby Super Star1996SNES9/10
Klonoa 2: Lunatea's Veil2001PS29/10
LittleBigPlanet 22011PS39/10
Little Nemo the Dream Master1990NES8/10
Mario Bros.1983NES**
Mario Kart Double Dash!!2003GameCube6/10
Mario Kart 8 Deluxe2014Nintendo Switch8/10
Mario Kart 641996N646/10
Mario Kart Wii2008Wii5/10
Mario Paint1992SNES8/10
Mega Man1987NES***
Mega Man 21988NES***
Metroid1986NES***Super Metroid invalidates it
Metroid II: Return of Samus1991Game Boy7/10
Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!1987NES****
Minesweeper1989PC****probably the best PC game
Mortal Kombat1992Genesis4/10
Mortal Kombat II1993Genesis5/10
Ms. Pac-Man1996SNES9/10
NBA Jam1994SNES7/10
New Super Mario Bros.2006Nintendo DS6/10
New Super Mario Bros. Wii2009Wii5/10
Nintendogs2005Nintendo DS8/10
Pac-Man World 22002PS27/10
Paper Mario2000N648/10
Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door2004GameCube9/10
Pokémon Black & White2010Nintendo DS8/10
Pokémon Colosseum2003GameCube4/10
Pokémon Crystal2001Game Boy Color9/10
Pokémon Diamond & Pearl2006Nintendo DS7/10
Pokémon Emerald2004Game Boy Advance8/10
Pokémon FireRed & LeafGreen2004Game Boy Advance8/10
Pokémon Gold & Silver1999Game Boy Color8/10
Pokémon HeartGold & SoulSilver2009Nintendo DS6/10
Pokémon Pinball1999Game Boy Color7/10
Pokémon Red & Blue1996Game Boy6/10
Pokémon Ruby & Sapphire2002Game Boy Advance8/10
Pokémon Snap1999N649/10
Pokémon Stadium1998N647/10
Pokémon Stadium 22000N647/10
Pokémon Trading Card Game1998Game Boy Color9/10
Pokémon Yellow1998Game Boy7/10
Pong1972Atari 2600***
Pro Wrestling1987NES***
Qix1981Game Boy***
Ratchet & Clank2002PS28/10
Ratchet & Clank Future: A Crack in Time2009PS39/10
Ratchet & Clank Future: Tools of Destruction2007PS37/10
Ratchet & Clank: Going Commando2003PS29/10
Ratchet & Clank: Up Your Arsenal2004PS29/10
Ratchet: Deadlocked2005PS26/10
Ratchet: Size Matters2007PSP5/10
Resistance: Fall of Man2006PS38/10
Resistance: 22008PS38/10
Sesame Street: 1-2-31989NESthe first game i ever played
Shining Force1992Genesis8/10
Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga2004PS25/10
Sonic Adventure 2: Battle2001GameCube4/10
Sonic & Knuckles1994Genesis8/10
Sonic CD1993Sega CD9/10
Sonic R1997Sega Saturn6/10guilty pleasure
Sonic the Hedgehog1991Genesis7/10
Sonic the Hedgehog2006PS32/10
Sonic the Hedgehog 21992Genesis8/10
Sonic the Hedgehog 31994Genesis8/10
Sonic 3D Blast1996Genesis3/10
Sonic Spinball1993Genesis7/10
SOS1994SNES8/10very overlooked
SoulCalibur II2002PS29/10
Spider-Man 22004PS27/10best licensed game of all time
Super Mario Bros.1985NES***
Super Mario Bros. 21988NES**Doki Doki, not Lost Levels
Super Mario Bros. 31988NES***
Super Mario Land1989Game Boy**
Super Mario Kart1992SNES5/10
Super Mario Odyssey2017Nintendo Switch8/10
Super Mario 641996N645/10
Super Mario Sunshine2002N646/10
Super Mario World1990SNES10/10
Super Mario World 2: Yoshi's Island1995SNES9/10
Super Metroid1994SNES10/10favorite game
Super Punch-Out!!1994SNES8/10
Super Smash Bros.1999N648/10
Super Smash Bros. Brawl2008Wii4/10
Super Smash Bros. for Wii U and 3DS2014Wii U/3DS8/10
Street Fighter II1994SNES7/10lumping them all together
Street Fighter III1999PS29/10
Street Fighter IV2008PS38/10lumping them all together
Space Invaders1978Atari 2600***probably the best Atari game
Star Fox 641997N647/10
Star Wars: Battlefront II2005Xbox3/10
Team Fortress 22007PS3/PC7/10
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles1989NES*
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Arcade Game1990NES7/10
Tetris1984NES****play the Tengen version
The Goonies II1987NES****underrated
The Guy Game2004PS20/10
The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion2006PS36/10
The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim2011PS35/10
The Legend of Zelda1986NES****
The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past1991SNES9/10
The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild2017Nintendo Switch9/10
The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening1993Game Boy7/10
The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask2000N648/10
The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time1998N647/10
The Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Ages2001Game Boy Color9/10
The Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Seasons2001Game Boy Color8/10
The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass2007Nintendo DS8/10
The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks2009Nintendo DS6/10
The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap2004Game Boy Advance8/10
The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker2002GameCube10/10
Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 32001PS25/10never saw the appeal
Tony Hawk's Underground2003PS27/10
Virtua Fighter 21994Sega Saturn8/10
Virtua Fighter 42001PS29/10
Vectorman1995Genesis9/10the best Genesis game
Vectorman 21996Genesis8/10
Wario Land 32000Game Boy Color9/10fucking play this
Wii Sports2006Wii7/10
Yu-Gi-Oh! Forbidden Memories1999PS14/10
Yu-Gi-Oh! The Duelist of the Roses2001PS27/10
Zelda II: The Adventure of Link1987NES***

Serious / being offended "for" people
« on: January 18, 2018, 03:24:11 PM »
the following statement has become an increasingly common sentiment spread by white conservatives to white liberals:

"[x minority group] does not need straight white people to get offended for them"


so, at what point does having empathy for other human beings, and a desire to smash evil regardless of whatever or whoever it may be targeting, become a case of being offended "for" said target, and why does that matter/why is that a bad thing

because i'm really confused about this, and find the implications worrying

Gaming / Did you skip shrine cutscenes in BotW?
« on: January 14, 2018, 02:19:01 PM »

congrats, you just wasted even more of your time

how does this happen

The Flood / Why I Want to Be God
« on: January 08, 2018, 05:44:39 PM »

The Flood / wtf radiohead
« on: January 08, 2018, 12:35:58 PM »
barely sounds anything like creep

The Flood / >his favorite animal isn't the jellyfish
« on: January 06, 2018, 08:44:39 PM »
>probably some shitty mammal

l m a o

Gaming / Spoiler Breath of the Wild - The Champions' Ballad DLC
« on: January 06, 2018, 05:12:11 PM »
The BotW thread is locked, and I just wanted to spill my thoughts on the DLC since I just finished it.

If you want to experience the DLC for yourself, and not have any of it spoiled for you, just don't read any of this.

As most of you know, I kinda loathe the very concept of DLC to begin with, but I went ahead and purchased the Expansion Pass for this game, because the games have firmly earned my trust at this point. I thought to myself, regardless of how it ultimately turns out, the series has provided me with thousands of hours of entertainment, so I had no qualms with chipping in a little extra for my favorite #1 franchise.

So was it good?

Well, to recap:

I can't have been the only one who was slightly underwhelmed by the first pack, the Master Trials, which dropped back in June. There was some cool shit in there, but if we can assume that both packs have $10 worth of new content, I feel like I only received about half of that for the first one. Much of the content we received six months ago definitely should have been in the base game already.

The new clothing items are kinda cool, but don't function very well as armor, especially since they cannot be upgraded or even dyed. They mostly just serve as neat memorabilia from older titles in the series and nothing more. Don't expect Majora's Mask to possess you or send the moon hurtling down towards Hyrule, or anything—all it does is make it so certain enemies have a harder time seeing you, for some reason.

The most useful clothing item you get from this pack is the Korok Mask, which shakes and giggles whenever a hidden Korok is near. It's pretty handy, but if you're the type who actually cares to look for all 900 Korok Seeds in the game, you're probably just going to look them up on the Internet. For those of us who aren't dirty rotten cheaters, though, this is a pretty nice thing to have.

Master Mode, which is essentially just hard mode, is the most egregious example of this. I haven't tried it yet (mostly because I have little interest), but paying extra money for what amounts to an added difficulty level is kind of a bad joke.

The Travel Medallion is a somewhat nifty key item you can find that allows you to place a warp point anywhere, but only one at a time. It seems like a handy tool at first, but since the game provides you with approximately 150 warp points anyway, it kinda takes just a little bit from its utility. I'm not saying I haven't used it, but I'm not sure if that wasn't just me trying to find an excuse to make use of it. There are just hardly any remote areas that would make this extremely useful.

Hero's Path mode, the new map feature, is honestly pretty cool, and one of the better new features that you get. Pressing X on the map screen allows you to see every single step you've taken over the last 200(?) hours of gameplay, which can be rewound to the point where you first started your adventure (assuming it hasn't been overwritten). Not only is it cool to see a visualization of my progress, this tool has helped me fill in all the little gaps and visit every little area that I haven't explored yet. Using this, I was able to find almost every missing shrine I had left (I still have two more stragglers).

But the main attraction of this pack, of course, is the Trial of the Sword, which is a quest you can take on in the Korok Forest after you've already obtained the Master Sword. Originally, the Master Sword is in a very weakened state, and only awakens its true power during boss fights, but completing this quest allows you to wield the sword at its full potential no matter where you are.

Let me tell you—the Trial of the Sword was fun as fuck. The idea is basically an extension of the Eventide Island concept, where you're stripped of all your weapons, food, armor, and everything else, and you have to run around these secluded areas and fight enemies with whatever table scraps you can find. It's tense, it's exciting, it's adrenaline-pumping, and it's surprisingly challenging.

It's split into three sections: Beginner Trials, Middle Trials, and Final Trials. Each section contains an increasing number of floors, and progressively tougher enemies. You can keep whatever you find between floors, and resting areas are provided every five or six floors so that you can cook whatever food you found and collect your bearings. Every section you're able to complete powers up the Master Sword a little more.

The earliest floors will have you simply fighting Chuchus in a small wooded area, but soon, you'll be fighting a Hinox in pitch-dark ruins and running in a rainstorm from a posse of Bokoblin on horseback. Meanwhile, you have nothing. And then it just gets harder.

But even after you beat it, the fully-powered Master Sword is still a little bit underwhelming. Its power maxes at 60—which effectively doubles to 120 during boss fights, sure, but there's still not much of a reason to use it on regular enemies (like you want to) because it still powers down, and when it powers down, you still have to wait 10 whole minutes to use it again.

No, the real prize is being able to do it. Beating the trial is just fun and challenging enough to feel rewarding in and of itself.

So do I feel like any of that is worth $10 extra, on top of the base game?

Nnnnnnnnnnno. Not really. As awesome as the Trial of the Sword is, I really believe it should already be in the game. All of this stuff should. You could maybe get away with having a DLC pack that just contains a fuckload of costumes, or something, but you don't even get very many new costumes from this as it is. You get Majora's Mask, Midna's Helmet, the Korok Mask, the Phantom armor set, and the Tingle armor set. That's it.

Two good modes that should already be in the game, and a bunch of relatively superfluous junk. That's BotW DLC #1.

Maybe the Champions' Ballad will be better, though.

Yes. It's much better.

But only if you can stomach getting the first pack, too, since you can't purchase them à la carte.

Along with more new clothes and some ancient horse gear (that allows your horse to teleport right to you), the main attraction is a series of new quests where you meet up with Kass the Bard again and help him complete the unfinished songs that his mentor wrote to commemorate the five Champions (Mipha, Urbosa, Daruk, Revali, and you), which requires you to experience and relive all of the trials they went through to earn their spot in Zelda's entourage.

Eventually, this all leads up to a fifth dungeon where, upon completion, will earn Link his own Divine Beast: A fucking motorcycle called the Master Cycle Zero (I'm disappointed it's not called Vah Epona).

The quest can only begin if you've already liberated all four of the Divine Beasts. Once you've done that, Zelda's voice will call out to you, telling you to return to the Shrine of Resurrection, where you first woke up.

Here, you'll obtain a new weapon called the ONE-HIT OBLITERATOR, which reduces your life to one quarter heart, but can smash any enemy with a single hit. Once you pick it up, you're told to infiltrate four enemy camps and defeat all of the enemies there. You can use arrows, but the One-Shot Johnny is the only melee weapon you can use, and, because of the quarter heart situation, you can't take a single hit yourself without dying. You can only kill two enemies with it before it needs to recharge, and it can only be used in this one single section of the quest. If you leave the Great Plateau at any point, you lose the weapon and the quest ends. Attempting to eat food or heal yourself in any way will only result in your health being drained again, and Mipha's Grace and fairies won't work at all.

Once you defeat each enemy camp, a shrine appears. These shrines have to be beaten with your quarter heart, as well, and they're all fast-paced, action-oriented shrines involving more finesse than puzzle solving.

If you hate combat shrines, you'll be in for a pleasant surprise. There's one of them here. It starts off like they normally do, only you have your One-Shot Johnny, so taking out the first Guardian Scout is about as easy as you'd expect.

But the Sheikah dude doesn't appear. Instead, a button appears where a Sheikah would normally be. Pressing it causes the Scout's elevator to drop, which leads you to an interesting section where you have to fight several of these juked-up scouts while running around in a series of narrow hallways. It becomes increasingly difficult to use your one-shot weapon in this place, and improvisation is sometimes necessary. And since you still can't take a hit, it's actually fairly nerve-wracking.

Once all of the trials are complete, the One-Hit Obliterator splits into four pieces and scatters itself through the four major regions of Hyrule, and you already know the ones. In each of the spots where the orbs scatter, a strange formation appears, telling you to head to three locations to perform a special task. These tasks can range from fighting a powered-up miniboss, shield-surfing through a series of rings, and finding a way to survive jumping into a pool of lava. Once these tasks are completed, a weird-looking shrine appears. Unlike the Obliterator shrines, these ones are more traditionally puzzle-oriented in nature, and they're all pretty cleverly designed (but none of them difficult).

Completing these shrines won't get you a Spirit Orb, though. They'll give you a special orb that is associated with the presiding Divine Beast, and after collecting all three, you get to have a rematch with each of Ganon's forms, only with extremely limited equipment.

Vanquishing the bosses allows you to access special memories, extended cutscenes which characterize each of the four Champions a little bit further. They're all pretty cool, but perhaps the sort of thing you'd wish were in the base game. Especially since you can simply watch these cutscenes in YouTube, though I think it's better to feel as though I "earned" the cutscenes myself.

Once you've recovered the memories of all the Champions, you're told once again to return to the Shrine of Resurrection. It's here that you're sent to the fifth and perhaps final dungeon of the game.

A lot of people didn't like the dungeons in BotW. They're all quite small, relatively easy, and aesthetically, they all look the same. I personally enjoyed all of them in spite of all that. I think gaining the ability to control the moving parts of each Divine Beast was very interesting and made out for some compelling puzzles, even if none of them were too difficult to figure out, and having the music slowly build up after accessing each terminal is a great artistic choice. The only thing I didn't like as much are the relatively easy and uninspired boss fights.

This fifth dungeon definitely falls in the same vein as all the rest, and if you don't like slow-paced dungeons that involve a lot of waiting around for things to happen, you probably won't like this one at all. It's a slow burner for sure. I, for one, thought it was great. Excellent music, clever gear-themed and physics/logic-based puzzles—basically what we've come to expect, but something tells me that the slow-pace of the dungeon is merely padding to make it feel longer than it is, when it's essentially the same length as all the other ones.

What I love the most about the game's dungeons, though, is that you wind up using pretty much all of your Runes. Throughout all of the game's bonus shrines, really. The Stasis Rune is woefully underutilized in a lot of previous shrines, but in the DLC, there's actually quite a few clever applications of it, and the final dungeon is no exception.

The boss, who I won't spoil here, is pretty awesome too. Again, not too difficult, but that's not really what I'm looking for in a Zelda game anyway.

The prize for completing this dungeon is Link's Divine Beast, the Master Cycle Zero.

Understandably, this thing is quite polarizing. Lots of people think it's cool, and lots of people think it's the stupidest thing they've ever seen in a Zelda game. I'll be honest: three years ago, I probably would've fallen in that second camp. I would've thought it was just too silly. And it IS silly, but now that I've developed a sense of humor and irony over the past few years, I genuinely can't bring myself to hate this thing. Now, this sort of thing is so silly, it loops around and becomes awesome again.

So if you hate the fact that Link is now riding around on a motorcycle, I can kind of understand where you're coming from? But I'm just saying, you can either choose to be a stick in the mud about it, or you can... not do that, and just laugh and have fun with it. Which is clearly the intent here, because I'm 99% sure that the developers are self-aware about how ludicrous this thing is. But those are your two options. Personally, I choose the more positive one.

- Really fucking fast
- Aimlessly rolling around and bashing into enemies with it is satisfying as fuck
- Handles like butter on a skillet
- Can go up steep hills with surprisingly low effort
- Shock-absorbent; you can ride straight off of cliffs and take no fall damage whatsoever
- Can bunny hop and catch some sick air off of ramps
- Has headlights that automatically turn on at night
- Runs out of fuel, and you get to manually fill it back up (which is oddly satisfying to do)
- Anything in your inventory can be used as fuel, but some fuel sources better than others

- Can't go in reverse
- Very lenient; it can crash, but you can't really wipe out or jackknife yourself
- Runs out of fuel a little bit too fast
- Completely and utterly invalidates your horse
- Can't be used everywhere, including the Gerudo desert (lame as fuuuuck)
- Can't really do anything too fancy, like drift or do flips or anything

Overall, the Champions' Ballad is worth about $10, which puts the entire Expansion Pass at about $15. In reality, you're paying $5 more than that. Whether or not you feel it's worth shelling out for is for you to decide.

All I can say is that I don't regret my purchase whatsoever, but I would've appreciated just a little bit more content from the first DLC pack.

So there you go.

$28.19 Canadian

The Flood / who wants to feel inadequate
« on: December 21, 2017, 08:19:59 PM »

simply put:

- i use the recent threads section on the front page to quickly check which threads have been posted in last
- one of the rules of this website is no spoilers
- anarchy doesn't have this rule
- anyone who scrolls down a little bit on the front page will still be able to see threads posted in anarchy with spoilers in the title, even if they're trying to avoid anarchy for this one very purpose

if there's a way to prevent this, it would be cool if it were implemented

i realize i could just not look down there, but it reduces functionality of the website for me and that's not cool

Gaming / Beating Mario Odyssey without jumping
« on: December 13, 2017, 06:01:42 PM »

The Flood / whose "kill yourself" has the least impact on the forum
« on: December 11, 2017, 05:10:00 PM »
i'm gonna go with azumarill

Gaming / what's the last game you beat
« on: December 06, 2017, 05:34:39 PM »



mike tyson is next

The Flood / finally
« on: December 05, 2017, 08:14:32 AM »

this forum is mine

The Flood / have you ever called your representative over any issue
« on: December 02, 2017, 10:21:42 AM »
who here has done this

Gaming / Defend this. (TW: anime, intense misogyny)
« on: December 01, 2017, 07:50:29 AM »

if this video doesn't turn you into a misanthrope, throw yourself off a bridge

The Flood / if i cut off all my fingers
« on: November 26, 2017, 10:58:59 PM »
i would be able to count the number of good things you've ever done in your life on one hand

yet nobody congratulates people who have been clean for their entire lives

where's my pat on the back

The Flood / Why did you start doing drugs?
« on: November 21, 2017, 07:45:13 PM »
in spite of what your parents and teachers all told you, and against your better judgment, why do you personally choose to do drugs, even though you already know it's not a smart thing to do

unacceptable response(s):

"because they make me feel good"

Gaming / Games released on your birthday
« on: November 18, 2017, 12:55:09 AM »

go here, replace "1995" with the year you were born, and look to see which games were released on your birthday for every year after (years before you were born don't count) (i'm also not counting ports and stuff)

here's what i got

Dishonored (2012)
XCOM: Enemy Unknown (2012)
Portal (2007)
Mortal Kombat: Armageddon (2006)
TimeSplitters 2 (2002)

and more, but those are the best ones

i don't feel any special kinship towards any of these games, unfortunately

Gaming / Favorite Zelda games?
« on: November 17, 2017, 01:55:42 AM »
i'm bored, so i thought i'd do the same thing for zelda as i did for mario

keep in mind that these little "capsule" reviews aren't meant to be super in-depth, otherwise i'd dedicate one whole thread to each game, which i don't really feel like doing (except for breath of the wild later this year)

The Legend of Zelda (1986, NES) For a Nintendo franchise as long-standing as Zelda, you might expect the first installment to be one of the weaker titles in the franchise—at least, that's how it is for Mario and Pokémon—but as it turns out, it's still one of the better games in the series, and I wouldn't begrudge anyone claiming it's one of the best games ever made—and let's not even get into how influential this game was. Every dictionary in the world should accompany the definition of the word "seminal" with an image of the title screen of this game. Sure, Adventure for the Atari 2600 may have done it first, but Zelda took its concept and blasted it through the roof, being one of the first games ever that you weren't expected to beat in one sitting. Almost everything about the game is phenomenal, even if it's admittedly lacking in the visual department, and between that and the game's slightly janky sense of movement, it's quite difficult to find anything objectively wrong with the game—in fact, I end up just finding more little things to appreciate about it every single time I replay it. I don't know what else to say, really. It really is one of the best games ever. ***

Zelda II: The Adventure of Link (1987, NES) Man, this game gets so much unnecessary flak. Often hailed as the worst Zelda game (not counting CD-i), people seem to hate this one for two reasons—1.) it's such a weird detour from the rest of the series in terms of gameplay, making it a black sheep, and 2.) it has a reputation for being extremely, frustratingly difficult. To the first point, I would argue that Zelda is a franchise that thrives whenever it tries something different. In my experience, the worst games in the series are the ones that paint by the numbers and fail to experiment or take risks, so from that standpoint, I have a great appreciation for Zelda II. What makes the game unique are the side-scrolling combat portions with gameplay that that combines platforming with RPG elements, where killed enemies net you experience points that can be used to make Link stronger. There are virtually no puzzles—it's all about finessing your way through each action-packed dungeon and decrypting the vague, poorly-translated texts from all the townspeople you'll have to talk to. As much as I personally like the game, though, I would only recommend it to "hardcore" Zelda fans. It's one of those games. It's definitely worth trying either way, but never for an early-adopter of the series. You'll probably just hate it. ***

The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past (1991, SNES) Clearly, after Zelda II, Nintendo really wanted to play it safe and keep the franchise at its roots for the time being—which would normally be a disappointing decision from an artistic standpoint. But when you wind up with a game THIS explosively good, it's pretty fucking asinine to complain. I described the original Zelda as one of the best games ever made, and I think A Link to the Past is even better. It's in my top 50, possibly top 30. I would try to explain why, but I feel like these games are ubiquitous to the point where everyone already kind of understands why they're so good. And that's how it should be. If you don't know why it's so good, I would suggest that you play it. It's the bee's knees. 9/10

The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening (1993, GB) This is another one that I'd only recommend to hardcore fans. It's a cute little game—though, "little" is probably the wrong word, as it offers about 15 HOURS of gameplay—certainly one of the longest adventures available for the original Game Boy. It's definitely cute, though. The game has a goofy sense of humor and a strong sense of self-awareness. This can make it difficult to take seriously as a canon Zelda title, with its very "cutesy" and cartoonish overall aesthetic, and especially how it's constantly making these tongue-in-cheek references to other Nintendo franchises (mostly Mario). It's a fun, but otherwise non-essential, installment to the franchise, best thought of as an after-class time waster more than a fully-fledged epic Zelda adventure. If you're going to play it, be sure to play Link's Awakening DX, which adds color to an otherwise woefully monochromatic game. 7/10

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (1998, N64) One of the most overrated games of all time. It's good. It's solid. You might even be able to get away with calling it "great." If you think it's amazing, I won't begrudge you, but I'll question your palate. But if you honestly think this is one of the best games ever, let alone THE best, we are on two completely different planets. This game finds itself marred by so many issues—granted, several of which are fixed or improved upon in the 3DS version—but the inevitable flaws that manifest themselves when trying to turn a traditionally 2D game into a 3D world, namely the ones having to do with the camera, the combat, and even the layout of objects on the map, are SO plentiful and SO apparent that I simply cannot overlook them. I won't tell you it's not a good game, because it certainly is—but I don't especially harbor any reverence for it. Though, if you're new to Zelda, I wouldn't feel uncomfortable recommending you the 3DS version. 7/10 for N64, 8/10 for 3DS

The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask (2000, N64) And then this happened. My god. What a PERFECT followup. I'm so glad that this game seems to be getting the recognition it deserves nowadays. They did exactly what they needed to do—since they knew that Ocarina was already being considered the best game ever, they were presented with the daunting task of topping it with the next game. And what better way to go about that than doing whatever the fuck they wanted? Instead of trying to "top" Ocarina, they decided to throw a curve ball instead—and wouldn't you know it, they ended up topping it anyway. This is one of the most beautiful games I've ever played. What makes it special is that it focuses less on Link and his adventure, and more on the people that he's trying to save from an impending apocalypse. In the game, dungeon exploration becomes more of a secondary task as you continuously repeat the same three-day cycle over and over, collecting masks and interacting with all the NPCs in Clock Town. Everybody has a backstory, personality quirks, daily routine, and problems to help solve. As you help them solve their daily troubles, you get to know (and become emotionally attached to) each and every one of them—but as you continue to reset the past, the sad futility of it all becomes more and more apparent. A stark atmosphere of melancholy pervades every inch of the game's world, and the falling moon above (which can be seen from any point in the game) serves as a constant reminder of the impending doom—and every character reacts to this in their own way; sometimes with fear, others with denial, and others with sheer apathy. But all of them are emotionally broken in some way. If you try to solve everyone's problems, you can permanently reap their benefits, but only to have them all reset the moment you turn back time. You can't save everybody. If I were to rate this game strictly as a piece of art, and focused only on its characters, atmosphere, music, and storytelling, I would easily give this game a 10/10. However, its imperfections become more obvious once you start considering the gameplay—which is undeniably improved from Ocarina, as they did a much better job of optimizing the 3D world to help it mesh better with the exploration, but there is ONE area of the game that flounders so heavily compared to the rest of the game (the snow area). There are also one or two sidequests involving NPCs that are pretty dang tedious, and don't exactly give you the most exciting rewards. Unfortunately, neither of  these glaring issues have been fixed in the overall superior 3DS remake. A lot of people seem to think that the game's dungeons are underwhelming (especially when you consider that there's only four), but I thought they were all pretty dang solid for not being the main pull of the game—and regarding the absence of an adult Link, I feel like the three transformation masks were a worthy substitute. There's so much more to talk about with this game, and I actually have a fully-written review of it that's been jangling around in my pocket for several years, but it's no secret that this is one of my favorite games anyway. I recommend it to absolutely everybody, except for the newest of newcomers to Zelda. 8/10 for N64, 9/10 for 3DS

The Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Seasons/Oracle of Ages (2001, GBC) The most underappreciated Zelda games, bar none. When I first heard about them, I thought they were trying to pull a Pokémon by releasing the same game twice—but nope, they are actually two completely different games, both geared for two different styles of play. Seasons is more action-oriented, and Ages is more puzzle-oriented. Ages is the superior game, but both are really, really solid, and would probably serve as a great introduction to the franchise, if you can get past the retro aesthetic and somewhat dated gameplay mechanics. 8/10 for Seasons, 9/10 for Ages

The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker (2002, NGC) My second favorite game of all time, comprising one of the three perfect 10s I've ever felt comfortable giving to a video game. It is magnificent. It's the game that Ocarina of Time could and should have been. It is the embodiment of all the joy and happiness that my ten-year-old self would have had towards life. Let me tell you something—I'm an anti-natalist, but if this game were a woman, I would have children with her. Because between my genes and her genes, I know that those children would be fucking perfect in every way. 10/10

The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap (2004, GBA) I think I might need to replay this, because despite having played a great deal of it through, I never actually bothered to beat it. It was an enjoyable experience from, what I can remember, but it didn't really leave much of an impression on me overall. I remember disliking the artstyle quite a bit. The superbrite, highly-saturated color palette the game uses was a bit of an eyesore, and I remember having to deal with a lot of tedious mechanics. The items were cool, though, and I think it had some clever puzzles. It's gonna take  while, but I'll give it another shot some day. 7/10

The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess (2006, NGC) I need to replay this, too. For me, this was the most unmemorable Zelda experience. I can't remember a fucking thing about it, other than that it was kind of okay, and that the artstyle, while aesthetically pleasing, became increasingly hard to look at the longer I played the game. I took frequent breaks from it, which is not something I typically do with Zelda games, and it just felt really, really long. It's easily the most paint-by-numbers game in the series, and that's why I think it didn't leave such a great impression on me. But it wasn't bad. 7/10

The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass (2007, DS) Direct sequels are kind of rare for this series, so out of them all, I'm glad that my personal favorite was blessed with one. Unfortunately, it's not quite as good, but I wasn't really expecting it to be anyway. It has really great characters, and that unmistakably joyous Wind Waker atmosphere, but otherwise, it's a fairly standard Zelda adventure, just on the DS. 8/10

The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks (2009, DS) A completely unnecessary waste of time with the lamest premise for a Zelda game EVER. One of my least favorite mainline titles, it's not a bad game. It's just not worth playing, in my opinion, and the reason for its existence continually eludes me. 6/10

The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword (2011, Wii) An insulting casualization that gets worse and worse the more I think about it, so I choose not to think about it. The most disappointing Zelda game, but only retroactively. I remember enjoying it somewhat when it first came out, but as of right now, it's the last game in the series that I'd ever want to revisit. 5/10

The Legend of Zelda: A Link Between Worlds (2013, 3DS) It doesn't really do anything all that interesting or unique from a gameplay standpoint, apart from the main gimmick of becoming a painting, and it can't help but feel like the Breath of the Wild holdover that it is, but it's still a solid game (that I admittedly don't remember much of). 8/10

Hyrule Warriors (2014, Wii U) Fucking STUPID. 4/10

The Legend of Zelda: Tri Force Heroes (2015, 3DS) Obnoxious and unnecessary. If you're lucky enough to have two other people to play this game with, it might be a fun time. I don't know. But good luck with that. 5/10

The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild (2017, Wii U) Again, I'm gonna write a full review for this one, but I guess I'm okay with spoiling my score for it here. 9/10

Still need to play:

Zelda (1989, G&W)
Link: The Faces of Evil (1993, CD-i)
Zelda: The Wand of Gamelon (1993, CD-i)
Zelda's Adventure (1994, CD-i)
The Legend of Zelda: Four Swords (2002, GBA)
The Legend of Zelda: Four Swords Adventures (2004, NGC)
Freshly-Picked Tingle's Rosy Rupeeland (2006, DS)
Tingle's Balloon Fight DS (2007, DS)
Link's Crossbow Training (2007, Wii)
Irozuki Tincle no Koi no Balloon Trip (2009, DS)

>proceeds to die

l  m  a  o

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