Dark Souls Review (haha April Fools xD)

 
Verbatim
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Ah, it's been a long time coming, hasn't it? I almost don't even know where to begin. How could I? I'm finally about to review the one game that's been haunting me for the past two years. If you've read the introduction to my big impressions thread, which I had to lock prematurely, you know that I have a rocky history with this game and its community.

Playing Dark Souls in 2016 is a minefield. The fact is, so many players have already beaten Dark Souls and made it their bitch five years ago. As a result, being so late to the party comes with its issues. No one seems to remember their first time playing, where they kept losing and losing. They forget that the only reason they're so skilled now is because they went through so much shit in the past, and they got better. Unfortunately, this breeds a toxic, elitist mentality, where some players will mock and deride newcomers for not being as good as they are on their first playthrough, and god forbid you ever say anything negative about the game, or even suggest that the game might be flawed in some way.

Really, that's the root of my dislike for the Dark Souls community. I find it toxic in so many ways, but that right there is what always got my goat the most, and because of that, I let the community taint my perception of the game itself.

I had never actually gave it an honest try before.

Lately, I've been playing a lot of games that I've never bothered playing in my childhood. As anyone could tell you, I'm a hard contrarian--anything that's popular, I tend to shy away from it at best, or actively stand against it at worst. My general philosophy is this: People don't have very good taste in general, so why should I waste my time with games that the majority likes?

Fortunately, this philosophy has changed a bit. Last year, I played through three AAA first-person shooter games that I had previously shunned: Half-Life 2 (which I ended up loving), Halo: CE (which I didn't like so much), and Fallout 3 (which I enjoyed thoroughly). The responses to these playthroughs and subsequent reviews have been overwhelmingly positive, and I'm happy that I have something of an audience of people who are willing to read what I have to say about video games. It's kinda cool.

Oops, I'm rambling a bit. Basically, after I played three big FPS games, I thought it would be a nice change of pace to work with something from a different genre entirely, and Dark Souls fit the bill perfectly. Not only would I get to try out something "different;" I would finally be able to receive a bit of closure from the game, as well as the community. Essentially, this is part review, part reconciliation.

Of course, I should begin with an overview. Dark Souls is a game that has become something of a juggernaut--especially on the Internet. You know a game is big on the Internet if it has a slew of ebin memes to its name. Apart from that, however, the game is known for its high degree of challenge. Some people have described it as "the hardest game ever." A dubious claim, to be truthful. Having completed the game myself, I can't say that I found the game terribly "difficult," per se. The game is cold and unforgiving, sure, but the interesting thing about it--and this is what makes the game so addicting for a lot of people--is that the challenge comes not from any level of unfairness with the game itself, but purely from the player's own incompetence.

Let me explain: You have options at your disposal, and you have to make the most of them. The way the game is designed, there's no way to lose, unless you make a mistake. Once you get the patterns down, making your way through the game is trivial--and if you fail, it's entirely on you. The oft-repeated mantra, "Get good," comes heavily into play here. Admittedly, it may take much more time than some would be willing to expend in order to "get good," and that's understandable--but the simple fact is, the game is tough, but fair.

So, having said that, let's dive into the more intricate details of the game itself.



1. The Premise

Actually, let's go into this game's production a little bit, shall we?

Though Dark Souls has been freely available on Windows for as long as I can remember, there still remains this common misconception among players that the game was created by Microsoft in 1990. Indeed, while it's true that the Dark Souls we all know and love was popularized by the Windows version that we're all familiar with, the game itself actually dates back to the 1960s—That's right, it sat among the very earliest of computerized video games, like Spacewar! and Pong.

No one individual (as far as I've been able to gather) has been identified as the original designer of Dark Souls, but the game actually predates Microsoft itself. Wrap your head around that.

It was eventually adopted by Microsoft, of course, some time in the late '80s. It was released in 1990, as part of what was called the Microsoft Entertainment Pack—a collection of simple card games like Cruel, Golf, and even a watered-down version of Tetris, among other things. Dark Souls remains the most popular of these games--the only one (except Tetris, perhaps) that has had any sort of legacy.

The premise of the game is simple: Clear the grid without tripping any of its hidden mines.

On the surface, it may seem threadbare, and almost too simple, but as many Dark Souls fans will tell you, the lore of this game is absolutely rich. Every facet of the game is explained, and everything ties together nice and fluidly. Discovering this lore for yourself is part of the magic.

2. The Gameplay

Okay, this is where it gets really good.

You might be asking, "How are you supposed to know which tiles have mines in them?" If you're asking this question, you were likely just like me. When I was a kid, I tried Dark Souls out on my computer a couple times, but I didn't quite get it. I had no idea what the numbers meant, and I just kept dying, over and over again. Never did it occur to me to simply teach myself what the numbers meant until just recently, and after I learned about how simple of a mechanic it really was, I instantly got good.

It's easy: When you first open the grid, you can click on any one of the tiles. A randomized portion of the grid surrounding the area that you clicked will open up, and reveal a series of seemingly random numbers. The numbers are NOT random, however--far from it. The purpose of the numbers is to give you a hint of where the hidden mines are located.

For example: Once you click the grid, you notice that there is a red "3," with exactly three remaining blue tiles adjacent to it. The "3" indicates that all three of those tiles contain a hidden mine.

What do you do from there, you ask? Well, the object of the game is to avoid clicking on these mines. On any given grid, there is a finite number of mines, so once you have identified the location of every mine on the grid, you win the game. Fortunately, the designers gave us a method to mark each tile that contains a mine. By right-clicking any tile, you can place a flag there. This will help you keep track of all the mines you've identified in your journey. Once a tile is flagged, you won't be able to reveal what's under it, unless you remove the flag. This is a measure to prevent you from accidentally tripping on a mine that you just found.

If you right-click a tile twice, you'll replace the flag with a question mark. This can help with deductive reasoning, which I'll go into later.

Not all numbers will correspond to the number of remaining tiles left adjacent to it. Most of the time, in fact, you'll come across tiles that are marked with a "1" or a "2," but they have three or four blue tiles adjacent to them. So, how are you supposed know which tiles to look under?

This is where deductive reasoning comes in. You have to use your brain a little bit. The question mark you can place by double right-clicking can aide you, but generally speaking, you won't need it a whole lot. The trick is to find spots that obviously contain mines--like a "1" where there's only one adjacent tile left--and try to see how that flagged mine interacts with the tiles surrounding it. If the mine you just flagged is interconnected with another tile of the same number, you can rest assured that clicking the tiles around it will be safe.


Here, we have an interesting situation. The "1" tile directly under the "3" tile indicates rather pointedly that there is a mine on its top-left adjacency, so it is flagged. This means that the remaining three tiles for the "3" tile must contain at least two more mines, but we don't know which ones.

Through deductive reasoning, however, we can try to work it out. Take a look at the "1" tile directly to the right of the "3." There are only two blue tiles, and no mines have been revealed in that tile's area yet, so that must mean that one of those two tiles must contain just one mine.

Therefore, we can deduce that the top-left adjacency from the "3" tile contains a mine.


Why, you ask? Well, like we just established--the "1" to the east of "3" only has one mine surrounding it, so that MUST mean that two of the other mines are located west of the "3." If it were in any other spot, it would not make mathematical sense. The numbers do not lie.

This is what I mean when I say Dark Souls is tough, but fair. The game is only as difficult as the player makes it out to be. If you're not a fan of spacial reasoning, or math, Dark Souls may not be the game for you. Personally, I find the thrill of the challenge very gratifying. There's nothing like working out a tight snag when you thought you were completely doomed to fail. It makes you feel clever, if only for a moment.

There's also a high degree of tension involved. When you're in the middle of a good grid, the LAST thing you want to hear is that little explosion of a mine, and when it happens, you'll have a damn-near heart attack. Honestly, this game has made me sweat before. There's just something about it that makes every click in the late-game a nail-biter. You could fuck up at any time--maybe you flagged the wrong tile, or maybe you misread the number. It's a fucking trip.

The game isn't perfect, however. Occasionally, you'll find yourself in 50/50 situations, where there are two tiles left, and only one of them contains a mine, and there's no way to logically deduct where it will be. Sometimes that happens, and you just have to grin and bear it. Fortunately, it happens less on the higher difficulty settings.

Sometimes, beating the game is enough to satisfy anyone, but you also have the option of beating the game as fast as possible. There is a timer on the lower left. It doesn't do anything but keep track of how long it's taking you to work out a solution--giving you a bit of incentive to beat your personal best time.

3. The Options

The game has three difficulty settings: Beginner, Intermediate, and Advanced. Beginner is a very small grid with a very low number of mines, and advanced is what I'd call the standard game: A 16 x 30 grid with 99 mines.

Honestly, if you're not playing on this setting, you're a filthy casual and you should go home.

If the standard isn't challenging enough for you, Dark Souls does give you the option of making a custom grid. You can stretch the grid anywhere, from the itty-bitty 9 x 9, to the colossal 24 x 30. You can even change the number of mines you have to dodge (the maximum being 668).


FUCK. I was SO close.

The amount freedom this game gives you is insane. There's even an option to change the mines into pretty flowers that play soft music when you trip them instead of violently exploding.

You know, if you're... a pussy like that.


Truly, there's something here for everybody.

4. Overall

Dark Souls is one of the most addicting, clever, and satisfying games I've ever played. I'm so glad that I actually sat down and mastered it. Before, I was committing such a disservice to myself by not even giving it a fair shot, but with determination, vigor, and support from you guys, I finally managed to not only conquer it, but thoroughly enjoy it as well.

I'd recommend this game to anybody.

Play it.

Play Dark Souls.

Right now.



















Best game evur.
























Final score:
10/10
Last Edit: April 02, 2016, 08:34:41 AM by Verbatim


BaconShelf | Mythic Inconceivable!
 
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What game are you doing next, then? I know you mentioned Halo 2 and Fallout New Vegas at one point, but I dunno if I'm only remember those because I'm interested in them.


 
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Minesweeper is fun as hell tbh


 
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Verbatim
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Minesweeper is fun as hell tbh
Um, okay?

On topic, please. I spent a lot of time on this.


 
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Attempting to verify if Verb is capable of humor and being a ruseman with careful inspection.


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His eyebrows sparkling, his white beard hangs down to his chest. The thatched mats, spread outside his chise, spread softly, his splendid attos. He polishes, cross-legged, his makiri, with his eyes completely absorbed.

He is Ainu.

The god of Ainu Mosir, Ae-Oine Kamuy, descendant of Okiku-Rumi, He perishes, a living corpse. The summers day, the white sunlight, unabrushed, ends simply through his breath alone.
gg, 10/10


 
Verbatim
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gg, 10/10
It is a good game, isn't it? :)


 
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Luciana
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So the first part was serious and the 2nd was... something. I thought it was going to be some analogy, but now I'm not so sure. I'm both disappointed and humored at the same time. So a golf clap for you.


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I love you, son.
Nice review. Could never get into Dark Souls myself.

I think you should try out Minesweeper at some point... I doubt you'll like it, but I still want to hear what you think of it.


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Its good but not as good as 3d pinball space cadet 


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Deleted | Mythic Inconceivable!
 
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Its good but not as good as 3d pinball space cadet

You mean Halo 2? 3D Pinball Space Cadet is that shitty FPS from the original Xbox


 
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Goodness gracious, great balls of lightning!
But can Dark Souls outscore the 95-96 Bulls?


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hey
Minesweeper and Dark Souls are exactly the same in that I'm terrible at both of them


 
Verbatim
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okay, joke's over

You know what sucks? Joce basically made the exact same joke a couple days ago. I had this joke planned out for three weeks in advance, and now it looks like I took his idea. Ehhh.

What game are you doing next, then? I know you mentioned Halo 2 and Fallout New Vegas at one point, but I dunno if I'm only remember those because I'm interested in them.
Either Halo 2 or Borderlands, I'm thinking. Or something else. I'm probably going to stop making playthrough threads, as well. Keeping those things updated eats up a lot of my free time--especially because I'm ungodly lazy, so I'll probably just start periodically dropping reviews from here on out. I don't know yet, we'll see.

As for New Vegas, I'll play it, but I don't know if I'll bother reviewing it.

So the first part was serious and the 2nd was... something. I thought it was going to be some analogy, but now I'm not so sure. I'm both disappointed and humored at the same time. So a golf clap for you.
None if it was serious. (Well, almost none.) The first part was designed only to put Dark Souls in your head, when really, I'm just talking about Minesweeper the entire time, because I genuinely did not know how to play Minesweeper until very recently (about the time I started playing Dark Souls again this year, actually), when as a kid, I always thought it was too hard to understand. It was just meant to give the bait & switch more oomph.

You'll notice that the first letter of each paragraph in the introduction spells out "APRILFOOLS." I wasn't sure if anyone would catch onto that.

The idea was to just find as many parallels between Dark Souls and Minesweeper as I could, exaggerating some (like claiming that Minesweeper has rich lore beneath the surface) and of course, the whole it's-your-fault-if-you-die thing. I had a lot of fun writing it.


 
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I DONT GIVE A SINGLE -blam!- MOTHER -blam!-ER ITS A MOTHER -blam!-ING FORUM, OH WOW, YOU HAVE THE WORD NINJA BELOW YOUR NAME, HOW MOTHER -blam!-ING COOL, NOT, YOUR ARE NOTHING TO ME BUT A BRAINWASHED PIECE OF SHIT BLOGGER, PEOPLE ONLY LIKE YOU BECAUSE YOU HAVE NINJA BELOW YOUR NAME, SO PLEASE PUNCH YOURAELF IN THE FACE AND STAB YOUR EYE BECAUSE YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A PIECE OF SHIT OF SOCIETY
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What game are you doing next, then? I know you mentioned Halo 2 and Fallout New Vegas at one point, but I dunno if I'm only remember those because I'm interested in them.
Either Halo 2 or Borderlands, I'm thinking. Or something else. I'm probably going to stop making playthrough threads, as well. Keeping those things updated eats up a lot of my free time--especially because I'm ungodly lazy, so I'll probably just start periodically dropping reviews from here on out. I don't know yet, we'll see.

As for New Vegas, I'll play it, but I don't know if I'll bother reviewing it.

Fair enough. Hope you end up enjoying NV - it's much more heavy on the role-playing, and more quests have choices to think about. I'd be interested in reading a review of it when you get around to it, anyway.


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I got bored and started skipping downward when I saw the pictures, then went through it for real.

Good work, Jake.


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You should start posting reviews on places like Steam. You'd have a bigger audience. Though we fight all the time and I dislike you as a person I will concede that your reviews are great.


 
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male, he/him

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But I guess in the end -- Sort of feels like everyday its harder to stay happy where you are. There are all these ways to look through the fence into your neighbor's yard.

Why even risk it? its safer to stay distant.
I tried to like Dark Souls and Bloodborne. I really did. If you actively enjoy these games, that is awesome. It’s just not for me. By all accounts, I should’ve liked it. I enjoy fantasy games, especially those that have—dare I say it—a darker twist. I like being challenged, and I like solving puzzles within games. That’s the fun of it for me.

That was the problem, though—these games (Dark Souls and Bloodborne, specifically) were not fun for me. In order to enjoy these games, in my experience, there are certain privileges that are necessary: time, money, and the dedication to the self-image as a gamer. The entirety of gaming as hobby, lifestyle, or whatever, requires these privileges. But in all my experiences as a gamer, these have not manifested so strongly as in the aforementioned games.

First, I’ll talk about the privilege of time.

You are thrown into the middle of the action of the story without any concrete idea about what is going on in the larger picture. It is easy to pick up the controls and hack away at enemies, but it was unclear to me as the player why any of what I was doing mattered in the larger narrative. Part of this apathy stemmed from the rate at which my character died. I know that this is a huge part of the game, and I know that “You Will Die” is the very edgy tagline of the Dark Souls series. It was more how the character dies rather than the frequency. The absolute loss of all the progress I made over the course of one or two hours would be completely undone by one lucky scythe to the face of my character.


Usually, when gaming, the difficulty of the level corresponds directly with how many checkpoints are found within that level. An easier level would have fewer than five, while a more complex level may have a whole lot more. In these extraordinary examples (Dark Souls and Bloodborne), there are maybe three checkpoints over the course of a thousand feet within the game. Not bad, right?

No. Terrible.

A thousand feet within the game is equal to about three hours of work in the game. With Bloodborne especially, there is a certain level of stealth that is required. Say there are 35 to 40 enemies within 1,000 feet of distance between checkpoints. The character has to pick off each one of those enemies at one or two at a time in order to get through that stretch in-game. If it takes five minutes or so per enemy or enemies, that takes a whole lotta time.

Then you inevitably die because, surprise! An evil dog was there the entire time and it just ate your face off. You silly gamer, you. Now you must start again with those 35 to 40 enemies from the beginning, keep that stray evil dog in mind, and pray to the gods that there is not another stray evil dog behind the next cart.

Bloodborne

As a working student, I could not justify spending that much time on the same parts of the game for days. I’m lucky—I only had to work one part-time job while going to school. But a lot of people do not have the time in-between two or three jobs on top of a getting a higher level of education or taking care of their family. So the privilege of time is intrinsically connected to the privilege of wealth. It connects even more so when you consider that someone (such as myself) spent enough money to feed themselves for a week or two ($50 or more) to get flipped off continuously by sword-wielding skeletons and weirdly tall men in trench coats carrying scythes.

But I think the most problematic part of this type of game is the part that feeds into the ego of the gaming community. I personally did not like Dark Souls, but I did not admit it to myself until two years after I stopped playing it, specifically when I gave up on playing Bloodborne. I think a large part of this was due to my ego as a gamer. I am, as you may have guessed, quite dedicated to the world of video games. I am pretty good at them, and thus my continuous failures in Dark Souls really aggravated my ego. I made up excuses, and while they were valid, they were not entirely fair. Although I told myself I did not have the time to dedicate to Dark Souls, I apparently always had space in my busy schedule as a liberal arts student to replay BioShock for the umpteenth time.

I met a lot of people who talked about how much they loved these games and I’ve received snapchats from acquaintances playing these games with very positive captions. I couldn’t understand it—until I realized that these gamers are from privilege who are students or recent graduates, which means there is a certain level of free time and financial support at their disposal. That is not to say that they are bad people, but in my experience, it attracts a certain subset of people who have the resources and an urge to prove themselves in a world that does not have the same sense of security, economically and otherwise, that it once did when we were in the safety of the educational system.


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I couldn’t understand it—until I realized that these gamers are from privilege who are students or recent graduates, which means there is a certain level of free time and financial support at their disposal.

Oh for fuck's sake.


 
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We knew the world would not be the same.
A few people laughed, a few people cried, most people were silent.
I remembered the line from the Hindu scripture, the Bhagavad-Gita.
Vishnu is trying to persuade the Prince that he should do his duty
and to impress him takes on his multi-armed form and says,
"Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.."
I suppose we all thought that one way or another.
You put a lot of effort into this...


 
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I couldn’t understand it—until I realized that these gamers are from privilege who are students or recent graduates, which means there is a certain level of free time and financial support at their disposal.

Oh for fuck's sake.
He has a point.


A Cheese Potato | Legendary Invincible!
 
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where is the real review you fucking hack fraud


 
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I DONT GIVE A SINGLE -blam!- MOTHER -blam!-ER ITS A MOTHER -blam!-ING FORUM, OH WOW, YOU HAVE THE WORD NINJA BELOW YOUR NAME, HOW MOTHER -blam!-ING COOL, NOT, YOUR ARE NOTHING TO ME BUT A BRAINWASHED PIECE OF SHIT BLOGGER, PEOPLE ONLY LIKE YOU BECAUSE YOU HAVE NINJA BELOW YOUR NAME, SO PLEASE PUNCH YOURAELF IN THE FACE AND STAB YOUR EYE BECAUSE YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A PIECE OF SHIT OF SOCIETY
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Verbatim
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This is either high quality bait or extreme retardation, but I can't quite tell yet.
It's copypasta.