i cannot wrap my mind around the fact that people actually give a fuck about this

Quote from: Verbatim on July 12, 2017, 12:04:46 AM

oh god i sound so tired towards the end

no kidding

was hoping it wouldn't come through too much

that's what i get for recording too late i suppose

How dare you imply tekken is a bad fighting game

>3D fighters

bleah

Thank you so much! Very detailed and helpful. I've made tons of corrections, but with some I had some justifications/questions.

[6] "How couldn't it have been" and "that old maniac was scared out of his mind" are connected ideas. I was trying to say "how couldn't it have been" because he was so shaken up. As in, no one who's that freaked out is going to give Schuyler faulty info. Is there a better way to word that?

[8] The narrative voice is supposed to be as formal as Schuyler's manner of speaking, is that a bad thing? I don't want it to be awkward to read, but I do want it to be consistent with who's telling the story.

[22] I used the omniscient wording purposely, because I wanted to imply that Schuyler is so certain of his ability to read people that he's narrating from that almost omniscient point of view. I can see how that would be awkward, though.

[23] That would make sense if he was interrupting her, but he wasn't. That would be a bit out of character, he wants her to be coming to her own conclusions, but still helping her when necessary. She was trailing off, and there was supposed to be a long pause there, as if she couldn't think of the word.

[37] I added the "twisting my metaphor" as a way to show that Schuyler is almost proud of his overly-loquacious manner of speaking. As if he was mad that she twisted it. I try to communicate a lot of his feelings about things through the actual narration itself, because I hate explainy character exposition and would rather show it. Would an adjective in front of "twisted" be better, or still too much? Like "she said, shamelessly twisting my metaphor"?

But anyway, thanks again. It really helps. I totally forgot about comma splices, I need to watch out for those don't worry - the irony is intended

re: [6]
upon reinspection, you're right, i guess it's fine the way it is

re: [8]
i see, that's fair enough—that's not a problem at all; schuyler can be formal, just remember to keep him human

re: [22]
i see where you're coming from, but i'd still be wary—a character who thinks of himself as omniscient is different from someone who is omniscient, and it generally reads better as a story if that personality flaw is illustrated with a hint of arrogance, hence my suggestion—it's not a huge thing either way, just something to think about

re: [23]
fair enough

re: [37]
yeah that could work

Also, my big problem is with content: I don't want too much exposition, but I don't want to leave readers confused as to who these people are and what they do. Were you confused at any point in the story? Did you want to know more about the agency and the aberrations it deals with?

to the second question, yeah absolutely

to the first question, a little bit confusing at first, but it got better as i read on

i thought the first paragraph was the messiest, which is why i edited that the most

overall though, it seems that you've improved it a lot

you changed the first sentence to:
We were at Francis Square, and I saw that place a hundred yards away from the edge of the street.

which is much better, but might i suggest the following:
We were at Francis Square when I spotted our rendezvous point a hundred yards away from the edge of the street.

or:
I spotted our rendezvous point at Francis Square, about a hundred yards away from the edge of the street.

the word "when" helps the sentence flow more smoothly, and is the more important change
the word "rendezvous" is cool and it helps create an atmosphere of enigma/mystery imo

as an opening line, it feels like there's something missing, though—you obviously cut out the bit where schuyler complains about having only been given a few minutes notice for the operation, which is a detail i think you should sneak in somewhere else—but as for a more gripping opening, i don't know, you could try opening with a short line of dialogue, like, "Is that the place?" or something along those lines

it's ultimately up to you how you want to open the story, but just try to make it stick in your readers' head

here's the last sentence of the first paragraph:
When we got to the edge of this purported residence, Larcel stopped and looked toward me.

try "my partner Larcel" or something to that effect

this makes it clear right away that she's not a friend, relative, escortee, etc. which is something i think you want to do

one more thing, let's go over the second and third paragraphs a bit:

"Do you want to lead?" She was still mad, but she didn't want to show it.

"Sure." I reluctantly stepped forward and continued toward the house. It was certainly the kind of place that would provoke myths about it - black curtains fluttered in the wind, and the bleak walls begged for me to look away. It only served to solidify my hypothesis that this place was darkened. We cautiously made our way up the steps, onto the house's shambling porch.

after schuyler's "sure," you could write the following
I was a bit flustered, too. We had only been given five minutes notice for this case. Nonetheless, I reluctantly...

i just think that detail is worth keeping in there, especially to give the reader a sense for both of the characters' moods, which can impact the feel of the story pretty significantly should you execute it well

i'll read the rest of what you wrote later

---

<- Previous update: A Desperate Dilemma

---

Recap:
- Explored New Londo Ruins
- Found the Abyss
- Faced off against the Four Kings, but failed to kill them
- Created my first boss weapon: the Moonlight Butterfly Horn

Current missions:
- Kill the Four Kings

---

This is my first full video update—hopefully it's not too grating to listen to.

If all you care to see is the boss fight, skip to 10:55.

you always find the most obscure pictures of reznor

The Sacrifice Part 1

i think you'd benefit a lot from getting yourself a tablet or something

no one tops albert fish sending a letter to the mother of one of his child victims describing how he ate her in extreme detail

Quote from: Verbatim on July 11, 2017, 04:50:07 AM

>fucking photobucket

i'm pretty sure i moved out of there at least ten years ago

So you did live there?

sure

Nothing wrong with wanting a little bit of excitement in life. I think it's cool that you're honest about it.

>fucking photobucket

i'm pretty sure i moved out of there at least ten years ago

Bruh, that's not even how fighting games work. Characters with higher skill caps will always trump basic characters if you have the skill to use them.

as someone who's been playing and following fighting games for ten years

this is not true

it's only true for bad fighting games, with the exception of melee

there's a difference between learning a character and mastering them, and in a well-designed fighting game, you can certainly have characters with a high learning curve, but every character will take the same amount of effort to ultimately master—this is true of games like street fighter and king of fighters

i just use my laptop's touchpad and see how far i can go with it

Quote from: Verbatim on July 10, 2017, 04:08:56 PM

Quote from: Azumarill on July 10, 2017, 03:59:46 PM

he is your president tho

nope

yep

nope

the what now

reissue of the best NIN album

still need to get mine