Quote from: Verbatim on August 23, 2019, 02:37:57 AM

Quote from: MarKhan on August 23, 2019, 02:11:34 AM

Quote from: Verbatim on August 22, 2019, 02:47:57 PM

I'm also slightly afraid that there aren't anything enjoyable left in store for you in anime.

Also what are you busy with right now?

playing new games (i have a project going where i'm trying to play the debut game of every character in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate), going to the gym, listening to new music (still trying to work on that 1995 albums project), school's starting up soon, general life stuff, and all of this with me trying to get my first novel written in the background

oh, i know, i could watch the rebuilds

Hmm, glad to hear that it goes well for you! Honestly thought it would be worse. Also school? How much years left for you to graduate?

barring shenanigans, i shouldn't have more than three semesters to go, two if i'm very lucky with scheduling

most seniors can kinda just kick back and relax if they were good students who knew how to use their time properly, but i wasn't, so i have to work very hard unfortunately

aw sweet me too, how much can you lift now and what are you focusing on

nothing impressive, because my partner says i should be focusing more on reps than weight right now

for one rep:
90 pounds on the bar for military (RIP, i fucking suck at these)
100 pounds on the bar for bench
180 pounds on the bar for deadlift (these are my favorite)
180 pounds on the bar for squat (smith machine though, because i suck and need to work on my form)

idk how much the bars weigh if you can't tell, i get different numbers every time i ask

because i'm very out of shape (200 pounds, not fat but very out of shape), i'm mainly focused on just conditioning right now, so basically getting to a point where these unfamiliar motions start feeling natural to me

i'd say i'm halfway there, but my inability to squat properly is rather discouraging

unrelated, but you might get a kick out of this:

i'm not taking it super seriously, or anything, but i started lifting a couple months ago (hour a day, four days a week)

a friend of mine goaded me into it, but i only agreed to do it because i wanted to prove to him that i wouldn't get anything out of it (it also gives me an excuse to hang out with him more and get more water in my system, which is particularly important for me because i have kidney stones now), but for what it's worth, i haven't missed a day

it's been fun, even though i can't squat for shit (my form is fucking HORRENDOUS) and i haven't really made any serious gains yet (need more protein i guess)

This thread sucks

i was gonna transform it into a proper review of Dragon Warrior with actual structure and effort, but i decided that the formatting tools on this website are inadequate for what i had in mind, so i did it on google docs instead

i decided to write 6200 words for some reason, so i guess i had a lot more to say about it than i planned for

i'm gonna start the very first final fantasy game now, because why not

i only responded in the exact manner that he chose to respond to me, only i did it better, because i always do it better

Quote from: Verbatim on August 14, 2019, 05:46:53 PM

Quote from: challengerX on August 14, 2019, 05:46:00 PM

Quote from: Verbatim on August 14, 2019, 05:37:10 PM

Quote from: challengerX on August 14, 2019, 05:23:14 PM

Flee barely even talks to me you retard hahahahaha

so why do you predictably jump to his defense every time i stomp on his neck

I’m not even active here anymore lmao and I had plenty of disagreements with Flee over the years. The real question is why are you still on this website being such a bitter bitch. Do you seriously have nothing to do?

i seriously have nothing to do

damn I thought you’d find a hobby or something after I kicked you from the discord

yep it's all been downhill for me since that day

Flee barely even talks to me you retard hahahahaha

so why do you predictably jump to his defense every time i stomp on his neck

the funniest thing ever is that there ARE legitimate arguments to be made against circumcision

it's just that nobody on this forum has ever made any of them

i would be MUCH more sympathetic to anti-circumcision folk if they would just admit that being circumcised is objectively better

say "it's objectively better, but i still don't think that makes it okay" and you're off to a better start than most people on your side

still laughing at this thread

no one can touch me on this subject

yeah, i can definitely understand wanting to skip this gen

i'm on the fence about it, because while i ultimately don't care that much about dexit, and have given them passes on outdated design aspects since the beginning (so there's no reason why i can't now), those shortcomings do feel more noticeable than ever, and there's absolutely no excuse for it anymore

it just sucks, because i'd love to play a new game in the series, and i've been waiting for a worthwhile pokémon purchase for a LONG time, between disappointing wastes of money like ultra sun/moon and the let's go games

PART 3

Now this is where it gets complex, my lovelies.

Indeed. Previously, for the first two parts, I was basing my arguments entirely on my memory of the film alone (not counting using Wookieepedia to look up names and such), but for this part, he's REALLY getting into the nitty-gritty of some of its finer plot details, most of which I either barely remembered, or didn't have a strong counterargument for. So, I went ahead and rewatched the film last night, with subtitles, while jotting down notes and rewinding key scenes here and there so that I could keep my arguments sharp and fresh.

So I think this is what happened. I'm not sure. But Palpatine wanted to create a crisis on Naboo so that the naive young queen would propose a vote of no confidence for Chancellor Valorum. This would lead to Palpatine getting elected in his place, right? Like, that's the plot? I think?

Yep. I'm with you so far. Again, not sure why he's acting like he's so confused about it, when it's actually pretty straightforward what the plot is. I guess acting like it's confusing helps make it look worse, or something? It's a pretty dishonest tactic.

So how does killing the Jedi or creating a communications blackout on the planet even get word back to the Senate that there is a crisis?

Well, Palpatine had no choice but to order the Neimoidians to kill the Jedi, because otherwise, they were prepared to ruin everything for him by submitting to the Jedi out of cowardice. The blockade would cease, the crisis would be over, and Palpatine's ultimate scheme would be stymied. He really had no other option.

As for the communications blackout, what, do you really think that the Senate wouldn't notice that they can no longer communicate with one of their members? You don't think that would be a little concerning to them, given that they were already under blockade for dubious reasons?

The level of reaching in his complaints at this point is becoming extremely transparent.

At the end of the movie, Amidala goes back to the planet to solve the problem herself, because the Senate wanted to send an independent team to investigate whether or not the invasion was real.

[clip from The Phantom Menace]
Chancellor Valorum: Will you defer your motion to allow a commission to explore the validity of your accusations?

I guess the testimony of two Jedi Knights wasn't good enough. Those were the guys that Valorum trusted enough to settle the whole dispute in the first place? That don't make sense.

The guy who suggests the investigation in the first place was this guy. He's a delegate from the fucking Trade Federation. That means he's with the bad guys. That means he's intentionally using the power of red tape as a filibuster to stall the Senate from doing anything productive or helpful regarding the crisis on Naboo.

It's not that the testimony of the Jedi wouldn't have meant anything. If you're paying attention, you'll notice during this scene that Valorum gets whispered "shut up" into his ear by some blue guy next to him before he even had a chance to bring up their testimony, which would've made a difference. The whole scene is designed to illustrate how grossly corrupt and impotent the Senate is, which is one of my favorite aspects of the film, because of how true to life it is.

And no, it makes perfect sense. You just have to not be stupid.

So anyways, when the guys told Palpatine that Jedis were there, he should've said this:

"Tell the Jedi that there will be no negotiations. Tell them that you plan to invade the planet next, and then send them back to Coruscant to inform the Senate."

Instead, he tells them to do the exact opposite of what will help his plan.

Except that would be really stupid, because he'd essentially be throwing the Trade Federation under the bus for the sake of expediting his own plans. Which would be great for him, but not so great for them. Why would the Trade Federation cooperate if Palpatine just makes loud and clear that he's only looking out for himself? If he's not willing to help protect them from the law, why would they take his orders in the first place? They have nothing to gain from this.

Sure, taking the route he actually did in the movie is not the most ideal or efficient way of exacting his scheme, but that's what happens when you work with an unwilling third party. You have to make compromises.

Like, he wanted her to sign the treaty, right?

[clip from The Phantom Menace]
Palpatine: I want that treaty signed.

He seemed really intent on having her sign the treaty to make the invasion legal. So what if she was, like, a total coward, and actually signed the treaty? Like, right away? Then the crisis would be over, and there'd be no need for a vote of no confidence. See what I mean, this sounding like an eight-year-old wrote it?

Jesus Christ.

No, I think you sound more like an eight-year-old when you unjokingly act like signing a piece of paper would actually end the conflict there, as if Palpatine still doesn't have control over the narrative, and wouldn't be able to convince the Senate that Amidala was coerced. I don't even know shit about history, and I know that signing treaties by force often doesn't result in anything like peace. What a joke.

I know that Star Wars is basically a cartoon, but this to me kinda shows how Mike goes back and forth between wanting real-world logic and cartoon logic. Whichever one he needs at the time to make the movie look stupider.

So anyways, it's time to kill off the Jedi. Oh, good. How do they go about it?

Well, they start pumping in an obvious deadly white gas into the room. This alerts them to danger—Well, actually, blowing up their ship does. I guess they should've pumped in the gas first, and after the Jedis were dead, then blow the ship up?

Probably, but it's already been established that the Neimoidians aren't very bright, and they're also panicking, so I'm willing to buy the idea that they just didn't think this part through very well.

Anyways, back to the gas.

Hey, idiots! Have you ever heard of carbon monoxide? It's odorless AND colorless! Your wife won't even know what hit her. Oh, I mean Jedi.

Oh, what the fuck ever. I could not conceivably give a singular shit less, but I guess I have to concede that he's not wrong here. It's a pretty fucking lame thing to point out as a flaw, though.

Also, moments earlier, the Jedi willingly drank tea that was given to them while they discussed how everything felt really fishy.

[clip from The Phantom Menace]
Qui-Gon: I sense an unusual amount of fear for something as trivial as this trade dispute.

Hey, you guys got any rat poison lying around? Put it in the tea! PUT IT IN THE TEA! They'll drink it! Put the rat poison in the t—

Did the Jedi really have any reason to suspect that the tea was poisoned?

When Qui-Gon talks about the Neimoidians having "an unusual amount of fear," it's because they're known to be cowards like that. Just not this much, over something so small. Before then, he tells Obi-Wan that he senses absolutely nothing. He has no reason to suspect anything, and indeed, he was right not to, because at that point, they weren't intent on killing them yet. From Qui-Gon's perspective, this was just business as usual.

So anyways, then the dioxis starts filling up the room, and then...

[clip from The Phantom Menace]
Qui-Gon: Dioxis.

...Hey, wait. How does Qui-Gon know what kind of gas it is before he smells it? Isn't that, like, a contradiction? You smell the deadly white gas, I guess it's a little too late. Maybe he just got a little sniff of it.

Maybe he was just spitballing. The point is that he wanted to alert Obi-Wan, regardless of what it actually was. They just heard their ship get blown up, after all, and now gas is being sprayed into the room. I guess he should've just assumed it was something safe to inhale, right? Sure, yeah, that would've been the smart thing to do.

Anyways. You know, this idea could work, because we see that the Jedi hold their breath, which implies there's some kind of danger of them running out of breath, right? Maybe they can hold their breath for, like, two hours, because they're Jedis.

I don't know, that's not true, because later in the film, we see they need to use them breathing things underwater for that short swim to the Gungan sea world.

Fair enough on this point. I think this one might actually be a legitimate continuity error, or something, because it's implied in the gassing scene that they were in that room holding their breath for some time. When they emerge to fight the battle droids, the room has been filled and rendered completely opaque with the gas.

If they can hold their breath for that long, then they probably wouldn't need a breathing apparatus underwater either, and I don't have an explanation for why they're used. It's possible that the "short swim" really wasn't that short at all, and the film just pares it down to make it seem that way? But that's all I got. Things like this are why the movie is a 6/10 for me, and not a 7/10. I'll defend it till the day I die, but I won't ever tell you that it's completely flawless. Mike Stoklasa just happens to be a broken clock.

So anyways, it's like the Jedi know that the droids are gonna open up the door in a very short time before they run out of breath, because they don't immediately start trying to cut their way out. Which is what I'd be doing. I'd probably be screaming, too, like a little girl. So what are they doing in there?

Like you said, they probably know that danger is coming (they have the Force, remember?), so they're planning an ambush. Why not? It seems as good as any other strategy they could've employed in that position.

Then the dumbest line in the movie is said:

[clip from The Phantom Menace]
Nute Gunray: They must be dead by now. Destroy what's left of them.

What does that mean?

Usually, if you want to get away with killing somebody, you have to figure out a way to dispose of their remains.

Doesn't everyone know that? Why is that the dumbest line in the movie? I don't get it.

Hey, asshole! How about you leave the door closed for, like, four hours? And then if they try to cut through the door, start shooting them in the face, then pump in more gas, and keep pumping it in.

Obviously, you've never suffocated a hooker that was trying to escape from your crawlspace before. I recommend spraying Raid in there. You need to go with the "fast kill/low irritant" kind. It's in the blue bottle. It works the best. You need about six cans, tho—

If Gunray did not honestly expect the Jedi to be dead after filling the room with gas and waiting a bit, he wouldn't have opened the doors. He underestimated them, because he's a dumb low-level villain at the beginning of the movie. Big deal.

What was I talking about?

Oh, right. So, they open the doors anyways, and they let the Jedi out and attack them with completely useless robots.

Just tell them to leave, and that you don't wanna negotiate! And then when their flies out of your space dock, SHOOT IT WITH LASERS!

Again, they seriously thought that the Jedi were dead at that point. They were wrong, and they were stupid, but hindsight is 20/20 and all that. It's really easy to think of better things they could've done while they were panicking about the situation while you're sitting at home watching it all.

Telling them to leave and shooting their ship as they fly off would be risky as fuck for no reason. What if they miss? Now the Jedi have a story to tell back in Coruscant that the Trade Federation tried to attack them. Great.

Also, we need to consider the fact that killing two Jedi that were sent there as peaceful ambassadors would be a pretty heinous crime in the eyes of the Galactic Senate, an organization that runs everything, including space taxes.

I mean, you could just claim that they never got there.

[clip from The Phantom Menace]
Nute Gunray: I know not of any ambassadors.
[separate clip from The Phantom Menace]
Palpatine (via hologram): I have assurances from the Chancellor that the ambassadors did arrive.

But now, you've got the burned wreckage of their ship inside your horribly burned docking bay.

Obviously, they must have cleaned that shit up. It's probably not that big of a job for fantasy sci-fi robots. We don't need to see it happen.

If we saw everything that Mike thinks we need to see, then the movie would be five hours long.

4. WHO'S DOING WHAT? WHERE? WHY?

Why are the Shatnerians taking orders from this mystery hologram again? What did he promise them that would be so worth risking their entire organization for? The location of the Fountain of Youth? A planet made of gold? Corrective surgery for this woman's face? How about a night in Megan's foxhole? Seriously, what was it?

Oh, we're never told, are we? Generally speaking, it's easy to get a handful of insane people to follow you on some kind of legal or crazy scheme, but when you're talking about a huge organization that's run with military efficiency, then they're probably gonna want something in return for the use of thirty of their ships and risking everything.

Darth Sidious can't really promise them future political favors, because it would give away who he is. When they get arrested at the end, they could just say, "It was, like, a hologram in a cloak! He made us do it! In fact, he looks like Palpatine, and he sounds like him, too! We got the recordings of the hologram. You wanna look at them?"

I find it hard to believe that these guys never started pointing fingers after they got caught.

As stated in the title crawl, all the Trade Federation wants to do is solve their tax problem, and I don't see how promising political favors would necessarily give away who he is. In any case, I'm perfectly okay with this being one of the film's mysteries if there's no definitive answer for all this stuff. There's nothing here that I'm incapable of accepting with no proper explanation, because not everything needs to be explained, believe it or not. Especially if it's of such little consequence.

5. I CAN'T PUT ENOUGH QUOTATION MARKS AROUND THE WORD "STORY" SO I WON'T TRY

Section #2 was already for the story anyway, so I'm not sure why you're so disorganized.

[clip from The Phantom Menace]
Tey How: Sir, they've gone up the ventilation shaft!

How do you know that?
I said how do you know that?
Answer me, thing-in-the-mouth face!
What is that, anyways?
What, did you smoke too much?
What's wrong with your FACE?

Ugh. Security cameras??? She obviously figured it out somehow. Maybe that thing on her face is what allows her to see shit like that, who knows.

Anyways, Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon, they end up in the hangar bay somehow, where the droid armies are being staged for an invasion. Why don't the Jedis just start fighting all of them? Then steal the ship and head back to Coruscant to tell the Galactic Senate what's going on.

It's not so crazy, because later in the film, they attempt to run the blockade with one ship, and they make it through. The fact that they even tried that makes this a possible option.

What is WRONG with your FACE?

I don't think it's that smart to use future decisions made in the film to justify a completely unrelated decision made before, but whatever. Obviously, fighting an entire army of droids is obviously batshit insane, no matter how weak and useless they are in small numbers. Even if they could feasibly survive, it's definitely not worth the risk, so it's a completely stupid suggestion.

But instead, Qui-Gon and all his wisdom thinks it's a better idea to go down with the army to quote, "warn the Naboo."

[clip from The Phantom Menace]
Qui-Gon: We've got to warn the Naboo, and contact Chancellor Valorum.

Hey genius, if you're going down with the army, don't you think it's a little too late to warn them about the army? And what the fuck are the Naboo gonna do anyways? They don't even have a real army. Just volunteers.

[clip from The Phantom Menace]
Captain Panaka: Our security volunteers will be no match against the battle-hardened Federation army.

So the droid army just rolls in unchallenged, as expected. Just like the Nazis into France in a little historical event you might have heard of, THE FRENCH REVOLUTION?

It's not a perfect plan, but it's better than revealing themselves to the entire army and risking death or serious injury so that no one gets saved.

Anyways, so then for no reason, they decide to stow away on different ships.

[clip from The Phantom Menace]
Qui-Gon: Let's split up. Stow aboard separate ships and meet down on the planet.

Is this guy a fucking retard? Maybe that's why they call him Qui-Gon Jinn, because he's always drinking gin.

This is a minor point—

This entire review has been comprised almost entirely of minor points, but thank you for at least admitting to this one.

—but what would going down on the planet on separate ships accomplish? Let's think about this.

1. Increase the chances of getting caught by 100%.
2. Have no one else to help you if you get caught and get into a fight with robots.
3. Increase the possibility of getting separated by hundreds, if not thousands of miles, by not knowing where the other craft is going to land on the planet.

But thankfully, they both aren't discovered, and they meet up in the same spot in the woods.

1. The whole point is to make it harder to find both of them at once, though. It's not important that they both survive, as long as one of them is able to carry out the mission. If they both get caught at the same time, then they might be fucked.
2. It probably wouldn't make a difference. We've already seen how they fared against a group of droids before.
3. See the first point.

Is it a plot convenience that they ended up finding each other relatively quickly and with minimal trouble? Yeah, you could argue that. And if that bothers you, I'm sorry. It doesn't bother me that much, though, and I don't know what to tell you if it does. Sometimes plot conveniences happen. It was pretty convenient how Luke Skywalker survived that fall at the end of Empire, right? Guess it was a shitty movie, or something.

Then, although the reason for them going down to the planet was to warn the Naboo about the army, they decide to follow a cartoon rabbit underwater. Why? Why not just keep moving towards the Naboo city?

Hey Jinny, I thought you went down there to warn the Naboo. How is this gonna accomplish that? What was your plan from the beginning when you got down there? Did you plan to find a magical underwater craft that would go through the planet's core, or did you just plan to run along the surface?

What's wrong with your FACE?

Seeking refuge in the Gungan city after being told in confidence that it's hidden and safe doesn't seem that crazy to me, to be honest. Searching for the Naboo city on foot seems pretty crazy to me, though. No wonder why Mike suggested it.

This is the first point they should've ditched Jar Jar. This is also the point when the movie starts to officially fall apart. This is the moment when the Star Wars saga is now damaged totally beyond repair. The lapses and common sense in logic begin to compound on the movie, and now it is broken. I could end this review here, but I'm really just getting started.

I do have to go to traffic court soon, though. I accidentally ran over a Korean family with my car.

CONTINUED IN PART 4

2. THE STORY

The second biggest problem with The Phantom Menace is the whole story, and the way it was told. It's almost mind-boggling how complex the awfulness is.

From the very start of this movie, I could tell something was really wrong, just by the way it started. It opens with some boring pilot asking for permission to land on a ship that looks like a half-eaten doughnut, with the doughnut hole in the middle? What the fuck is that?

I don't know, I actually kinda like the design of the Trade Federation's battleship. It's unique, looks pretty cool, and it's very Star Wars-y. He makes fun of how it looks like a doughnut, but some of the most iconic designs in the OT look pretty silly, too, when you actually look at them. Leia's cinnamon rolls, anyone?

Anyway, he's about to take a dump all over the opening scene. He already called the pilot who asks permission "boring," even though she has an interesting voice, and she's being shot from behind the cockpit, like we're a child listening in on something we're not supposed to. For me, this opening scene puts me right in the mood in a low-key sort of way.

Then two cloaked figures walk into a room in a completely flat angle. They sit down in a conference room, drink tea, and wait to talk about a trade dispute with something that looks like my ex-wife.

While they eventually get to the ball-numbing, mindless action that the fanboys crave, [clip of crazed nerds running into a theater] I found myself utterly bored already.

Compare this fecal matter to the opening of the original Star Wars. [clip]

You see, a guy named William Shakesman once said, "Brevity is the soul of wit." This just means don't waste my time. You keep it nice and simple. [clip of George Lucas behind-the-scenes carefully examining a miniature sculpture of Dexter Jettster] I said stop wasting my time! STOP IT!

Without saying one word of awkward, boring, political dialogue that goes on for ten minutes, we know everything we need to know just by the visuals. REBELS, [arrow points at smaller ship] EMPIRE. [arrow points at bigger ship] We get a sense of how small and ill-equipped the rebels are, and how large and powerful the Empire is. The low angle implies dominance, and the length of the Star Destroyer implies the long reach of the Empire. This shot says everything we need to know without saying one word. In fact, this is so genius, I have a feeling that George Lucas had nothing to do it, and probably fought against putting it in the movie.

So, this comparison of openings is a small example of the overall styles of both films.

Okay, so the opening of The Phantom Menace does not accomplish what the original was able to do without any words, and within about ten seconds. Fine. I don't disagree that the original movie has a very good opening scene that does a great job of conveying important information to the audience without boring or spoon-feeding them. To call it "genius" is a little much, I think. Concision and brevity in storytelling might take a bit of cleverness, but it doesn't take any amount of genius. Not to argue semantics, but I dislike when people throw around "extreme" words as if they're nothing.

Either way, I can wax poetic about TPM's opening scene, too. The reason the opening to the original Star Wars works so well is because, at its core, it's telling a fundamentally different story. It's a simple tale that can be wrapped up with about ten seconds of basic visual storytelling. Now, I'm not about to argue that TPM's story is complicated, because no Star Wars story is—but I would argue that there's a little bit more going on than just Rebels vs. Empire, and I'd also reinforce the point that the two films are telling completely different stories.

There is no Galactic Empire yet, so there are no obvious villains to visually demonstrate—and there doesn't have to be. Instead, the film just hints at them. The whole conceit of TPM is that it's the very beginning of the Star Wars saga. It contains all the events that will eventually domino effect their way into the original trilogy, and as with any domino effect, it all begins with something very small and unassuming, because all it takes is one domino. Qui-Gon himself acknowledges this rather transparently when he says, "I sense an unusual amount of maneuvering for something as trivial as this trade dispute. I sense fear as well."

Not only does this mean that every ensuing conflict in TPM resulted from this dispute, but every subsequent conflict in every other Star Wars film all splintered off from this trivial thing, as well. I think that's neat, and it's true to life. It's not uncommon for wars to break out in the real world over the most trivial shit, so it makes sense. Drawing parallels to real life allows the audience to connect themselves more to the narrative.

What Plinkett finds boring here, I find tense. Sure, nothing is happening at the moment, which might seem "boring," but the point is that you're supposed to feel like something is going to happen. The foreboding music of John Williams played all throughout this opening really helps to sell my point here, I think.

Plus, it's not like the opening is utterly bereft of visual storytelling. The shape of the Trade Federation battleship, an incomplete circle, represents their stranglehold over interplanetary commerce. The single base at the center implies greed and monopoly. The gap, however, implies that they possess a blindspot—right in front of their faces. This is where the Jedi come in.

Plinkett criticized the use of a completely flat angle when the cloaked figures of the Jedi first walk in, but I would argue that this was the perfect angle to use. Just as he claimed that the "low angle" in the original film's opening implies "dominance," I would argue that the flat angle in this part implies that everything is okay. However, the John Williams score in the background contrasts with this notion, and this clash creates a subtle sense of unease. The cinematography is telling us that there's nothing to worry about, but the music is trying to tell us that something is amiss, which only heightens the tension further.

Later, Obi-Wan's first line is the iconic "I have a bad feeling about this," confirming our suspicions, but this is shortly followed up with Qui-Gon's "I don't sense anything," reaffirming the notion that everything is fine, which doesn't happen to relieve any of the tension. This exchange lets us know, too, just how prodigiously in-tune Obi-Wan must be with the Force, if he's able to detect danger in a situation like this before his own master. Or, it could be that Obi-Wan is merely an anxious young apprentice, who's scared because of his lack of experience compared to Qui-Gon, who's probably used to this sort of thing. Nonetheless, the audience is able to empathize with his apprehension.

I won't call this ingenious, or anything, but it's still a pretty cool way to set an uneasy tone, while also letting us know a little bit about the characters. What exactly does Mr. Plinkett want from this scene, anyway? He doesn't like that it's a flat angle, probably for some basic bitch reason like "it's visually uninteresting," so what would he prefer? A Dutch angle? Dutch angles are often used to make the viewer feel uneasy, too, but it's a little cheesy, a little cliche, and definitely less subtle and creative.

Anyway, yeah, I don't find the opening scene very boring at all. Again, it's not the best opening scene of all time, and you could very well argue that the opening to the first movie is better. I'm not trying to argue otherwise. I just don't think it's a bad opening. I don't think every opening needs to be ten seconds, unless it's a very basic movie with a very basic story, which the original Star Wars movie is.

The original trilogy was a modern-day homage to the classic adventure serials of the past, the kind I used to watch when I was in my forties. Good vs. Evil, the classic hero on a journey, the adventurous rogue, a damsel in distress, the wise old sage, gay robots, and an epic quest of discovery.

In other words, the original trilogy is an amalgam of tired tropes and boring cliches.

I like a good classic Hero's Journey tale every once in a while, but can we not pretend it's the pinnacle of storytelling?

The new movies are about shoving as much crap into each shot as possible.

[clip from behind-the-scenes interviews]
Rick McCallum: It's so dense. Every single image has so many things going on.
[clip of Jar Jar poking a robot]

This is part of the reason why I find the Special Editions so fucking offensive, because you're into what's happening in the movie, and they keep shoving more shit on the screen to distract you. It reminds me of a child waving his arms in the background for attention. Doesn't Lucas realize that cluttering the frame up with shit is NOT what makes Star Wars good?

[clip from behind-the-scenes interviews]
Rick McCallum: It's so dense. Every single image has so many things going on.

Fuck you, Rick Berman. You ruined this, too? Stop ruining—Wait a minute. That ain't Rick Berman. What is it with "Ricks"?

So, this point was a bit of a digression, as it has little to do with TPM itself, but I'll address it anyway since he decided to throw it in. I hate the overuse of special effects, as well, and I also find the Special Editions of the OT to be pretty offensive and not okay. Altering movies is super lame for the exact reasons that he gave in this excerpt, and I couldn't possibly agree more.

Nothing to do with TPM, though. Moving on.

So, the film is called The Phantom Menace, and by the nature of the story, there is no clear villain.

Hey, idiot! You're not making The Usual Suspects here. You're making a movie for children, right?

[clip from The Phantom Menace super-imposed on stock images of babies watching it on TV]
Palpatine: Supreme Chancellor, delegates of the Senate, a tragedy has occurred, which started right here with the taxation of trade routes, and has now engulfed our entire planet in the oppression of the—

This is a REALLY subjective point to make, and it hinges upon how stupid you think children are. When I saw this movie as a kid, did I understand or care about the politics? Fuck no. But I wasn't bored by it, either. Whenever I heard anyone talking about trade routes and delegates and the Senate and shit like that, my little kid brain would just be like, "Oh shit, some serious adult stuff is going on. This is cool!"

You see, when a story introduces elements that are beyond my comprehension, it makes me feel like I've gotten into something that's much larger than myself, which makes the story feel more grand and macroscopic. Maybe I was just a weird kid, but I found this sort of thing genuinely exciting and interesting, even if I couldn't quite grasp the concept of "taxation" yet.

Even then, it's not like the movie doesn't have Darth Maul at the end, and there's not a kid on this planet who doesn't think Darth Maul is cool, and doesn't know that he's one of the bad guys in The Phantom Menace.

How about a bad guy in the movie whose motivation is clear?

[clip from A New Hope after Darth Vader chokes out a rebel troop]
Darth Vader: Commander, tear this ship apart until you've found those plans, and bring me the passengers, I want them alive!

Hindsight may be 20/20, but isn't it kinda obvious that Palpatine's motivation is to build the Galactic Empire? I can't remember if that's made clear as early as TPM or not, but in any case, if you've seen the OT before seeing this film (which you should have), I think you should be able to put that much together, as long as you're paying attention. It's not like Palpatine doesn't debut super early in the film, or anything.

Still, don't quote me on this one. It's possible that they could've done a better job on this front. In any case, I still maintain that it's not important or necessary for a Star Wars movie to follow the exact same formula as the OT, because that would be fucking boring and stupid. There doesn't have to be a clear villain with a clear motivation. Kids aren't that stupid. They'll catch on as best as they can, and if they don't, it's really not that big of a deal. Doesn't make the film any less enjoyable for adults.

The prequels should be very similar in style to the originals, because I don't like things that are different.

I appreciate this flash of self-awareness. This sentence alone almost invalidates everything he said in the entire segment, because he's admitting, sarcastically, that it's just his shitty opinion.

These are just my shitty opinions, too. None of you have to see it my way. The only reason I'm doing this is because I feel like it, and because I think people are way too quick to take Plinkett's word as gospel, when he himself is the first to point out that his perspective isn't worth dogshit. He says it right there. Read it and weep.

3. DEATH AND SPACE TAXES

So, when you find yourself thinking things like, "Huh?" or "What?" when you're watching how illogical characters act in a movie, it's not really a good sign. Now, I've analyzed this film with a team of cheerleaders, and they came up with one unanimous conclusion: That if I let them go, they promise they won't tell nobody.

Anyways. So, at the end of the movie, Yoda makes Obi-Wan a Jedi Knight...

[clip from The Phantom Menace of that very scene]
Yoda: Confer on you the level of Jedi Knight the council does.

...even though in the opening titles, it says he's a Jedi Knight. But we'll just call him "Jedi Knights," too. People call me a murderer, even though I've never been caught yet.

This is his first nitpick of the film, and boy, is it ever a fucking tiny one.

- Maybe Obi-Wan was VERY close to being a Knight, but hasn't gone through the formal process of induction yet.
- Maybe saying "two Jedi Knights" is less clunky than "a Jedi Knight and his apprentice."
- Maybe it doesn't fucking matter at all, and you devoted 30 whole seconds of your review to it for nothing.

Or maybe it's all of the above. But especially that last one.

So the Jedis are there to do what, exactly? According to the opening title crawl, it was to "settle a dispute over the taxation of trade routes."

Oh. So what makes the Jedi Knights experts on intergalactic trade laws?

Do you have to be an expert on intergalactic trade laws to settle a dispute over them, or do you just have to know enough? I don't know, and I don't really care either. It's not terribly important, and I'm willing to buy it for the sake of the movie. Why question the capabilities of a fantastic religious group? You might as well question why they're expert swordsmen, too.

So, the Trade Federation have set up a blockade around Naboo in order to stop them from getting space supplies, which instantly causes some kind of "crisis" that we never see.

Okay? I don't get it. Why would an organization called "the Trade Federation" want to blockade trade?

[clip from The Phantom Menace]
Ric Olié: There's the blockade!

Usually, a blockade is used to stop something you don't want to get in.

You see, we once set up a naval blockade around Cuba to stop the Russians from setting up missile launchers there. It was a little event you might have heard of. Wasn't a big deal, you know, but you might have heard of it. It was called WORLD WAR I. Jeez, you stupid people gotta learn your history right.

First of all, real world nations have engaged in embargoes and trade-blocking all the time across history. It's not that unheard of, and there's all kinds of different reasons for why it might happen.

Second, the actual answer for the blockade in this case is because Palpatine secretly forced it. He wants to invade his own planet in a big ploy to get sympathy votes for once it's time to vote in a new Supreme Chancellor.

Like I said before, the movies are, in a big way, about Palpatine's rise to power. The movie makes it very clear from the beginning that Palpatine, as Darth Sidious, has control over the Federation and is currently influencing all their decisions, so I'm not even talking about stuff from the EU or any supplemental material at all. You can glean all of this shit just from watching the film itself.

How did he obtain such great influence over Nute Gunray in the first place? I don't know. Maybe some other nerd has the answer to that one. I don't find the answer to that question terribly interesting, though. This is just another one of those things that I'm willing to accept for the sake of the film.

I think Mike understands all of this, but he's playing dumb for the sake of padding out the review and wasting everybody's time.

So if the Trade Federation were, like, merchants moving goods and services around the galaxy, then why did they seem more like a military with armies and robots?

I don't know. Does the movie really need to explain why, or is it okay for a fantasy movie to have fantastical elements? The point is that the Trade Federation has way too much power, and they're a serious tyrannical force and threat, so they need to be stopped.

However, they were like a bureaucracy that was in charge of overseeing and regulating trade routes? You'd think they'd be happy about the whole new space taxes. Unless all the taxes when straight to, like, Space Obama, and they didn't see any of it?

The point is, I'm still not sure what the doughnut ships were there to do.

This part is kinda funny, because he had just previously asked how the Jedi Knights are experts on trade laws, but now Mike is trying to act like he's some kind of trade expert.

I, for one, won't act that way. But my basic understanding is that, sure, while it's obvious that the Trade Federation themselves would be happy about the new space taxes, that doesn't necessarily mean Naboo is. Maybe Palpatine forced Nute Gunray to jack up the taxes to an unreasonable point. Have you ever read about the Boston Tea Party and the Intolerable Acts? It's kinda like that, I think. Because Naboo will either refuse or outright be unable to afford these steep new tariffs, this provides Palpatine with a decent excuse to force them to set up the blockade to cover up his true intentions, because it looks like the blockade is up for (somewhat) legitimate reasons.

That's my takeaway, at least. I don't think it's that complicated.

And don't any of you faggots tell me that it was explained more in the novelization, or some Star Wars book. What matters is the movie. I ain't never read one of them Star Wars books, or any books in general for that matter, and I ain't about to start. Don't talk about them stupid video games or novels, comic books, or any of that fucking crap. I seen enough of that shit. I got Phantom Menace toys scattered all over in my basement.

You see, my grandkids play with them down there when they come over to visit. And they leave that shit all over the place. Let me see if I can find some of them so I can show you. I'm gonna go down in my basement, now. Hold on. I gotta switch the cameras.

[skit]

The sentiment he expresses here is one that I agree with wholeheartedly. I've never read any extra supplemental Star Wars material, either, and I never will. And I certainly wouldn't use material like this to justify anything in the prequels, because movies really should be able to stand on their own.

However, none of the shit he's been confused about so far requires you to do anything but pay attention to the film, and use just a little bit of your brain. You don't need to be an expert on space taxes, and you don't need to take fantastic elements in a fantasy story too seriously. It's honestly so fucking inconsequential that it hurts to even talk about.

Why not talk about something interesting that has to do with the film's craft? Why do we have to finagle about the film's logistics and internal logic? How could anyone possibly give a fuck about any of this stupid shit?

Anyways, so I realize that Senator Palpatine was using the Trade Federation to create a crisis to advance himself politically. Like, that was the plot, I think.

Yes. That's the plot.

Okay, so he DOES get it. What was the point of this whole segment, then? Why were you acting like you don't get it?

But the conflict from the blockade and the subsequent invasion is the entire movie. Understanding what role the Trade Federation played in this is important. You know, what the blockade was about, who was getting taxed, what kind of supplies were so crucial to the Naboo. What was it, like, medical supplies? Is there some kind of plague? Did they not have the capacity to survive on such a lush planet with a huge power reactor for one day without space trade?

You see, I would've accepted the idea of some kind of mystery villain if the basics were at least clear.

I just don't understand why any of these "basics" need to be made clear in the first place. You can't just say that they're important. Why are they important? Why should I care about any of that stuff? They're not interesting, and they're not relevant to the grand scheme and overarching plot of Palpatine's rise to power, Obi-Wan's coming of age, and the awakening of Anakin Skywalker's Force sensitivity.

These aren't even necessarily bad questions to ask, either. They're good questions, and I bet they're fun to think about if you're some kind of Star Wars nerd, but I'm not. Those plot details aren't important to me.

Remember when they made this little movie called Rogue One, specifically to explain how the rebels in the original trilogy were able to steal the Death Star plans from the Empire? It's a movie that everybody hates because of how boring and vestigial it feels. It's a movie that didn't need to be made, and it's a story that didn't need to be told.

The rebels getting the plans is just something you're meant to accept as an audience member. It doesn't ruin the fucking movie that they never really explain how it happened, does it? No. So how do the ambiguities of the Naboo tax/trade situation REALLY matter at the end of the day? That's right, it doesn't. It's a worthless complaint.

So when two guys wearing robes come on board their ship, Rosie the Robot just assumes they are Jedi Knights and tells the Shatnerians.

[clip from The Phantom Menace]
TC-14: The ambassadors are Jedi Knights, I believe.

Even though almost every single character wears robes in Star Wars. Then, somehow, this robot knows or "thinks" they're Jedi Knights.

They're also coming from the Galactic Republic, you fucking idiot. Kind of a reasonable assumption, then, if not a dead giveaway.

Hey idiots, so much for the disguise! Even a protocol droid could sniff you out!

Maybe it's not a disguise, but whatever.

Yeah, I'm thinking they probably weren't disguised. That would be pretty dumb if they were.

So the Shatnerians immediately inform this mystery guy who they're running this scam with, a guy who looks like Satan, that Jedis are on the ship. And, of course, so we can have an action scene, he tells them to kill the Jedi.

[clip from The Phantom Menace]
Palpatine: Kill them immediately.

Oh no, not an action scene! 😱

Man, fuck this guy.

You see, they never once went into the room to say "hello" to the Jedi, and that they'll be right with them, but they tell Palpatine that they are Jedis. And then they try to gas them to death based solely on the hunch of a droid.

The Neimoidians are stupid cowards, yes. That's their character. They obviously have an intense fear for the Jedi, which is why they refuse to greet them in the first place, but their hatred is so intense that they don't even care if they kill two innocent ambassadors, even if they aren't actually Jedi.

Plus, what reason do they have to distrust TC-14's judgment, anyway? She's a droid, right? Maybe she has metal detectors, and she detected their lightsabers, or something. Protocol droids are for etiquette and protocol, right? The fact that she would use the term "I believe" probably just means she was programmed to speak passively and submissively, but she would never actually point anything out unless she had an actual objective reason to say it. I mean, she's a robot.

I can't believe this is the criticism he chooses to end this part with.

Who's fucking with my medicine?
Who wants a pizza roll? E-mail me if you want a pizza roll.
Post a comment on this webzone if you want a pizza roll.
Who's fucking with my medicine?

CONTINUED IN PART 3

Quote from: Verbatim on August 02, 2019, 08:42:47 PM

Quote from: Jono on August 02, 2019, 03:07:25 AM

I played online for the first time and well, I’m sticking to playing versus the AI

online tourneys are legit tbh

For anyone good at the game, yeah.

I’ll stick to casual play cause that’s how I have the most fun with Smash. I’ll still watch pro players every once in a while cause pro Smash is fun to watch.

https://www.twitch.tv/evo

EVO is going on right now if you or anybody gives a fuck, specifically the top 8 for smash ultimate

no melee this year honestly hurts my interest a lot, but ultimate is still cool

What is this image trying to convey?

wry disinterest

it's the face jay makes every time mike rambles about star trek in half in the bag