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Messages - E
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151
« on: September 11, 2021, 12:46:35 AM »
>heart problems
See, this is my beef with these right wing rags that disgorge misinformation for clicks. "Heart problems" is such an amorphous and vague term that doesn't really elucidate what the actual condition involves.
A known and considerably rare side effect of Pfizer and Moderna is yeah sure, heart inflammation. Despite the alarming terminology, and what these toilet paper pieces don't tell you is that heart inflammation as a result of vaccination hasn't been proven to be morbidly serious and can be treated with rest and a couple of painkillers. Very few cases actually result in requiring serious medical treatment.
How about some actual data? The EMA analysis of cases found:
Pfizer-BioNTech - 145 cases of myocarditis and 138 cases of pericarditis out of 177m doses given
Moderna - 19 case of myocarditis and 19 cases of pericarditis out of 20 million doses given
Five people died. The review said they were all either elderly or had other health conditions.
The UK's Medicines and Healthcare products Regulatory Agency (MHRA) has also been investigating the link.
It reported: "A consistent pattern of cases occurring more frequently in young males and shortly after the second dose of the vaccines.
"These reports are extremely rare, and the events are typically mild with individuals usually recovering within a short time with standard treatment and rest," it added.
Take the soccer mom ideology out of my thread please.
Take note of pericarditus. It's a disease I picked up back in november(which is apparently a possible obscure side effect of covid) Carditus isn't lethal, but there's no cure for it. There's an operation where they scrape enflammed tissue from your heart but it's a low success rate. It might just be because my heart's already damaged, but the carditus is constant and it throttles the fuck out of me. It straddles me into a fine line between being disabled, but mobile enough not to qualify for disability. Carditus comes in many different flavors of severity as well. Although the chances are low from getting it from the pfizer shot at least, it's a really shitty mid-tier side effect to roll. I'd honestly tell you that if I had a choice to take a vaccine to possibly stop me from getting enhanced covid but get carditus as a result, I'd just ask them to kill me instead. You know, we can talk mathematical chances and odds all day long, but life's showed me repeatedly that no matter the odds you never take chances on anything. One percent chance doesn't give a shit about you when you're the sorry fuck who rolled it. I admit the toilet paper pieces are garbage, but I think dahuterschuter's reservations touch onto an issue that's not talked about. The advertising campaigns about the vaccinations aren't being straight with people. I challenge you to go out and talk to people and ask them what they think "immunity" means when they get the covid shot. You might find a higher number of people think they can walk into a cloud of covid particles and they won't get sick. They'll also tell you that the adverts mislead you about taking the vaccine when pregnant, stating that it is "safe" when there's actually no proof yet. At least out where I am, that's the case. A massive amount of mistrust stems from the government's shit ass handling and presentation of everything.
152
« on: September 09, 2021, 11:53:50 PM »
probably my least favorite english word
What's your favorite
when i first learned what it was, i loved it so much that i made it my username
Also describe in a bulleted list why the word "cum" is your least favorite word in the English lexicon
i actually don't know if it's my least favorite word, but it's way down there
- I'm usually opposed to disliking words for their meanings, because it's not the word's fault that we've defined it that way, but I take exception to this word because I really hate thinking about semen, and that's what the word makes me think of
- General dislike of any sexual slang words (I don't have as much of a problem with "semen" because it sounds more clinical, but it's still not great—it's a rare instance of a concept that I would prefer to talk about euphemistically, if at all)
- Homophones with "come," which opens the door for a lot of obnoxious and sophomoric puns
- Homonyms with the the Latin word "cum," making it impossible to think of common terms like "cum laude," or even everyday words like "cumbersome," "cumulative," or "cucumber," without also thinking of semen (I also feel bad for anyone whose last name is "Cummings")
- Phonetically, it sounds excessively blunt and vulgar, almost as gross and unpleasant as the substance it is defined as
- General bias against any 3-letter words, especially when two of them are my least favorite letters
- "C" is the most vestigial letter in the English alphabet, needed only for the "ch-" sound (which it needs the "H" for); every other C-related noise could be replaced with "K" or "S"
- "U" is the ugliest vowel; synesthetically, I've always associated it with a pale pink hue, like a pig, and I conceptually associate it with things like stupidity and filth (disclaimer: pigs are actually rather intelligent and clean animals, but due to childhood associations, I still unfairly tend to file pigs under "filthy" and "stupid")
- "M" is a letter I don't necessarily have beef with, but it's not doing the word any favors here, because it's a soft bilabial following a harsh voiceless velar plosive, almost like the word is proud and welcoming of its own vulgarity
- Posseses no redeeming qualities; for all the things I dislike about it, I'm unable to think of anything that I do like about it, which, in itself, is another thing to dislike about it
the biggest reasons would have to be its tendency to destroy words that are phonetically adjacent to it—if someone calls to me, and i say "i'm coming," i always wince internally and brace myself for some kind of stupid cum joke, which never happens, but when it does, i can't wait to cringe at them to let them know just how unfunny and disgusting they are
I would have to agree
Come is such a common word in English and I can't hear it anymore without thinking of cum
Probably have the internet to thank for that, I think. Maybe it's just me, but cum's one of those things that's filled vocabularies over the last decade or so. Then you've got the wonderful offshoots like cummies  , and everybody's favorite, I'm coming daddy! 
153
« on: September 09, 2021, 11:33:36 PM »
probably my least favorite english word
What about cuck. That's got an awful ring to it.
Or moist.
It was very moist in the verbatim bookstore.
"moist" seems to be everyone's go-to for unpleasant words, but idk, it never really bothered me that much
i honestly think "wet" might be worse
cuck is pretty bad, though, with cuckold being even worse
Hey, this just begs the question. What's objectively worse? Cum or Jizz? I haven't heard it used in a long time, but I feel like jizz takes the crown, if only because it sounds like the slang stoners would use.
154
« on: September 09, 2021, 10:34:30 PM »
Moderna vax is getting recalled I heard due to having caused heart problems in young people. Pfizer vax is apparently getting fully approved by the FDA soon so I guess it has the least serious side effects.
Since there's a bit of a divide in my family over the vaccine shit I got roped into some research, since I don't trust what any of the corps are handing out, but wouldn't go so far as to say I'm clumped into the anti-vaxx crowds. Read through pfizers sixty page report on their control groups for testing. A very key thing to note, and strangely enough, the placebo control group rolled more side effects than the actual vaccine itself. More complication, more deaths overall. Out of a roughly twenty eight thousand people control group, split in half, one for the vacc and one for placebo, there was six deaths. Two from the vacc in people who were over fifty, four in the placebo group. It generally seems like the older you are, the more at risk you are of rolling adverse side effects. But the margin is almost identical to the statistical chances of being put down by covid. A range of around one percent, higher based off age over fifty five, if you're fat, diabetic, or have cardiovascular problems. The study team noted three things at the end of the paper. They've zero evidence on safety for those who are pregnant, but cited two or three incidents where pregnant folk had "spontaneous abortions." They've inconclusive evidence as to the effectiveness on the other strains, and no thesis as to how long their vaccine provides protection from the original strain of covid. And four, like anything, they have zero conclusions as to possible long term effects. Out of all the vaccs I read through, although pfizer was the primary interest since it's what they offer in canada, pfizer seems to have the most streamlined.
155
« on: September 05, 2021, 11:53:20 PM »
probably my least favorite english word
What about cuck. That's got an awful ring to it. Or moist. It was very moist in the verbatim bookstore.
156
« on: August 21, 2021, 06:05:40 PM »
Before you go down that rabbit hole you should know that most VPN providers are more or less lying to you about their privacy masking abilities. It's not technically a lie, but it's deception in the fine print. VPNs are required to show some data and locations to ISPs. The shorthand is you're never really hidden no matter who you pick. If you wanted to be optimal about things, ideally you'd go with both a proxy and a vpn of your choosing in tandem with one another. But even that wouldn't mask you in full.
What's so outlandish about the shit your friend's sending that your isp need not know about it?
One of the places I worked from in the past used Nord. Seemed decent enough, not that there's some magic meter that tells you how much of your data is being viewed, so who can say really.
157
« on: August 20, 2021, 11:56:36 PM »
Only to the level I can tolerate them. Dad's in another province, so that's once every few years sort of deal. Mum's in one of the towns out here. Once a week for her usually.
158
« on: August 11, 2021, 09:11:13 PM »
I can add ya if you want. I won't be on all the time though, depends on if I'm staying at the place with my box.
You wanting anything specific in a co-op buddy? Laid back goof around or just murder everything like a snowplow mounted with a wood chipper?
159
« on: July 29, 2021, 11:32:46 PM »
 Finished work for a friend's birthday. Actually found a printing company that may be able to print digital work onto canvas, so I'll be contacting them up to see if I can get this turned into something.
160
« on: July 06, 2021, 11:07:26 PM »
hmm ingloriouswho98 for some reason when i see your user name i associate you with pedophilia no offense. maybe lolis or something like that idk i dont remember. i definitely associate das boot with lolis. my memory of circa 2014 is not so great tho however. how are you doing my friend? 1998 is a cool year that is also my birth year. i infer that is also your birth year judging by your gamer tag. good job
Heart a little heavier
Eyes a little hollower
Principles a little more degraded
Graduated college and got a job
I'm still living at home until at least September however
I'm hoping to move out and go somewhere where no one knows me so I can just relax for a while and then we'll see where we can go from there
sick dude im boutta be a 6th year super duper senior this fall. get the fuck outta your home town. shit blows. when i graduate ive no clue where im gonna go. i like michigan but its all automotive jobs and i want no part in that. automotive jobs suck ass no way in hell you'll catch me waking up at 5 am to go work for the holier than thou automotive beauracracy. fuggum.
what degree did you get
I got an engineering degree and waking up at 5 does suck
Source: Im doing it right now
Waking up at 5 to go work in a greenhouse in 97 degree heat
Not what I expected but it's temporary
How about you
What are you studying
computer engineering
seriously starting to consider streaming or something like that instead of what people might call a "real job" because i fucking hate working the vast majority of jobs out there. i am at my most depressed/stressed when i have a job. i dont give a shit about money really, but if i dont have money then my life has no value in the eyes of society, and i will subsequently die or at the very least suffer. so unfortunately i must work a job i will likely hate. doesnt matter what it is; i hate being subject to someone else's rules and schedules. i only enjoy life when i am doing things that i want to do and when i decide to do them.
i admire streamers because they have a lot more freedom in that regard. theyve made a career out of doing what they like to do. they set their own schedules, they have no boss, and they have no employees. if they get bored with one thing, they can stream something else.
the most productive i've ever been - believe or not - was when i was on government COVID benefits last summer. i had complete freedom to do whatever i wanted, whenever i wanted. i didnt have class and i wasnt working. i was fucking free. i juggled several different hobbies, many of which given time could have turned into real careers. i started learning how to make jewelry, mainly rings. i got super into photography which i spent a ton of time studying and practicing, and still do try to practice as much as i can. i also got into off-roading since there's a ton of wilderness where im at and a lotta cool shit to explore - landscapes, waterfalls, ruins from the copper mine days, beaches, trails; i'd go driving every fucking day exploring and photographing the keewenaw (name of the region i live in). i also became obsessed with rock-hunting, and would often spend several hours scouring old mine piles for copper. super addicting hobby - its quite a rush when you find a big ol chunk of copper ore.
i was doing something every day. i kept busy with my passions, and for the first time since probably ever, i was actually happy with my life. i wasnt working or taking classes, and yet i was the most productive id ever been.
i dread the prospect of working a "real job" after college. i am always at my most depressed when i have a job. i always thought i was just lazy, but ive sinced realized that simply isnt true. i love to keep busy doing things i like to do. unfortunately, the things i like to do arent the easiest to make a living doing. plus, i like doing what i want when i want, which is the opposite of how "real jobs" work. even if i got a "real job" doing something i love, if its not on my own terms then i will likely begin to hate it. simply put, i dislike doing anything i am told i have to do by someone else. i hate being subject to someone else's schedule, nor do i want to hold subordinates accountable to a schedule of my own creation. boss or employee, either way im shackled and held back from freely living my life however i want.
in this world: money > human life, or any life for that matter
my value is judged by the size of my pockets, rather than the simple fact that i'm a human being.
but yeah uhhh im studying computer engineering lol
Ayy that sounds like my sorry ass at 12 when I was sitting in school asking myself why the fuck I wanted a job if I didn't care about money and feeling like I was trapped in a long hallway with no escape. If you're considering streaming, I've got some un-asked for advice if you'd like. I met a couple of burnout streamers over the past few years and had some talks with them about it. There's a lot of pitfalls to avoid.
161
« on: July 06, 2021, 10:58:39 PM »
Halo 3 / MCC playdate this weekend? Who's in?
Downloaded MCC recently. I work on saturday and sunday but depending on your times and where I'm on the move to I might be able to join up. My connection's still dogshit though.
162
« on: July 05, 2021, 11:07:55 PM »
Forgot it was canada day some time ago. Vaugely remembered that it was the 4th up here since it's like half celibrated too. I think I worked.
163
« on: July 03, 2021, 03:07:12 PM »
1997 Jeep Wrangler TJ
goes hard i love it
I need that winch buddy.
164
« on: June 21, 2021, 01:32:46 AM »
I'm still earnestly a bit stumped as to how or why I got carjacked last week when I was out at my sister's farmstead. Like she's out in the middle of fucking nowhere. Course that was the only night I left my keys and wallet in the car right? The fucking odds I swear.
Chucklefuck made it all the way into manitoba before being pulled over. Spent all my food and gas money for the next two weeks on booze and scrapped the brakes on the car.
At least I got the car back but it was a bitch to get to.
Ah the ol' pull the sun visor down to get the car keys movie cliche.
What kind of car was it?
2005 Ford five-hundred. Fucking stupid, honestly. I've always been very careful when it comes to cars. Leave nothing valuable in them, always put my shit in my pockets and take my coat in with me. My reasoning always was, all it takes is one time. Sure enough, the one time I slip up and I paid for it. I spent three days walking on foot to manitoba, got lucky enough to be picked up by somebody who didn't find me suspect or tried to kill me who drove me the rest of the way. Asshole spent the five hundred in my wallet on booze and gas. 167 bucks lost on impound fees and another 50 lost on gas getting back into my province. Costly lesson just to remind me on why to never ever take a chance on anything.
165
« on: June 20, 2021, 06:20:02 PM »
What even is this game?
I've seen it used for benchmarking but nothing about the game itself
I've played it for a bit. Not beaten it yet but here's the gist of it. Imagine sort of a crossover of the SCP universe with run and gun gameplay and supernatural abilities set inside an interdimensional containment building. I can't really comment on the story yet.
166
« on: June 20, 2021, 06:14:24 PM »
I'm still earnestly a bit stumped as to how or why I got carjacked last week when I was out at my sister's farmstead. Like she's out in the middle of fucking nowhere. Course that was the only night I left my keys and wallet in the car right? The fucking odds I swear.
Chucklefuck made it all the way into manitoba before being pulled over. Spent all my food and gas money for the next two weeks on booze and scrapped the brakes on the car.
At least I got the car back but it was a bitch to get to.
167
« on: June 10, 2021, 01:25:34 AM »
My dishwasher and my furnace are ready to collab on a hot new two hour dark ambient album
I'll be ready to take a recording of the howling winds across this desolate flat shithole.
168
« on: May 26, 2021, 01:08:45 AM »
I really want Vebatim to post ITT.
well, if you insist
i don't have a lot to say, though, because i'm willing to bet that i've probably changed the least out of anybody still using this website
i joined this forum during my first semester of college, and after seven grueling years, i can finally expect to get my worthless degree by august, whereupon i can spend the rest of my days worrying about how i'm going to pay the government back for the stupidest decision i've made in my life
i haven't really changed any of my beliefs over the past seven years, and if anything, i've only doubled, tripled, or quadrupled down on the majority of them (because the world only continues to prove just how right i am about fucking everything—and yeah, my bitterness has also increased tenfold)
if anything about me has changed, i'd say i've gotten a little bit better at communicating with people; i find it much easier to express myself in ways that regular people will actually understand now, and i also find myself a lot more tolerant of people's bullshit in general—but at the core, i'm still a pretty angry and spiteful person who doesn't enjoy life very much, because as anyone could plainly see, there's really not a whole lot to enjoy
first person to suggest therapy gets to be thrown off a cliff
See, I'm obligated to suggest therapy now because because getting thrown off a cliff usually has a high fatality rate. I'll drive my deteriorating self all the way out there just so you can do it. Make the legal documents and everything.
169
« on: May 25, 2021, 01:47:07 AM »
Dude wtf congrats
Thanks man. Some big changes for sure.
How have you been?
Edit: just read your comment in the other thread. Anything in particular you're feeling depressed about?
Not really
Things haven't gotten worse
It's just the tonnage that's piled up is getting heavy
Also I said working isn't the source of my depression but thinking about it, it definitely is making me feel worse
When I was in school, I could tell myself that my life hadn't started yet
There was still a goal to look forward to, just hold out for a few more years
But now it's like, this is it? Now what? Hold out for the rest of my life?
It's making time pass by really slow and I'm stewing in the void
Trying to think of how to cobble everything to say here. Your goal never shifted so you never picked up much of anything guiding in school. That means you've done little to no growth towards anything.
And I'd be willing to bet you're stuck with a unique problem. You sit around stewing and wondering if that's the endgame, but when you try thinking about all the things you could possibly do, they all seem out of reach or as if you've already run out of time to do them. Would I be right or wrong on that? Can possibly help ya out if you feel like talking about it.
Well the goals I have are kinda in conflict. On one hand I want to improve the world, ease suffering, etc. On the other hand, I really don't want to do anything at all. I naturally crave the loser lifestyle and would be happy living in a one bedroom apartment working as a delivery driver. I feel most fulfilled when I am helping others but doing things for others just drains me emotionally for some reason. The things that make me happy make me feel dead inside at the same time. So going towards one end would lead me further from the other. Either way, I just feel exhausted and not at peace with myself at all
Now that I'm out of school, I feel like I have to decide who I have to be. I wonder if I'll ever find anything that will make me happy without make me feel like a piece of shit at the same time. I don't know if this even makes sense but I feel like I'm spinning my wheels in place
First things first, you'll get a bit of reading to do. Props to cramming a lot into a little space. I can probably unpack most of that for you and explain it. I'll try to break it down into sections for you. Keep in mind, some of this will be speculation because I don't have all the details of your life, but some of it will be based of what I know for certain. Some of it will be based on what I've experienced through other people. I'll try to let you know what's what as I go. So to start with, let's talk about helping people and improving the world. Spoiler I've met a lot of people that wanted to improve the world. Many suffer the same drawbacks. They look far outwards onto the big problems in life and then they feel shitty because they don't have the capabilities to change those big things.
There's two courses of action for this. One is devoting your life to changing one of the big things. Putting everything into just that. The second option is adopting a smaller worldview and further defining what it actually means to change suffering. I think for you, rather than devoting your life to a big cause, adopting a smaller reference point would help you.
These are my personal experiences and thoughts on what it means to change things. I assume you know I'm the shambling mess that used to be Sandtrap. Pretty sure that old name comes with the notion of somebody who tried to help when they could. I still retain some of those principles, but I've had to refine them and adapt as I've gone through life. So here they are.
I can sit here all day and imagine what I'd do to help my province out if I had a number sum of stupid amounts of money. The programs I'd start, what I'd build and fund and so on. Useless daydreaming at best that'd make me sad like any other. There's a better way to view to changing things if you can't manipulate them on a large scale.
The question is, why'd our world get this way? Through the actions of people as a whole. One by one, everybody decided to do something in particular until we arrived at where we are now. A big collection of singular entities all eventually doing the same thing makes results. So my rule is this. I don't have to change the world. All I need to do is be a decent human being to others when I meet them. Whether it's through helping them when they need it, giving them a second chance when they've let me down, and doing my best to understand their perspective without being confrontational about anything unless my life is in danger.
Repeat this process and eventually it becomes a habit. The importance of this is that other people see you doing it, and when this happens, that means there's a possibility that at one point, they'll follow your example. What starts with one person becomes two, then four, and so on. But I have to be real about it. I can't expect people to want, care, or do anything of the sort that I do, because they have their own lives to live and the consequences that come with.
To me, significantly altering something for the better for a single human being is enough. There are approximately thirty people in my life who've died on me that I knew. Take that number and double it roughly to around sixty. So far in my lifespan I've altered roughly sixty people's lives so significantly to the point where you could consider my presence an important deciding factor. That means theoretically, one day those sixty or so people might think about what I did for them, and it'll be their turn to repay that onto another life. If you actually want to make a difference in the world, you start with what's all around you, and with what you can influence within your personal sphere. Don't look at the wider picture, start with the small. Before I go anywhere else, I'll talk about why people drain you. Spoiler Introvert or extrovert, you sound like an introvert. That means interaction with people takes both a psychological and physical toll on you. You can only interact with so many people before your battery drains to zero and you need to actual time for yourself. If you don't get this time, like too much exercise, you won't recover.
There is also a cost to helping people. It's very easy to output time and effort into helping people while you neglect yourself. This can eventually turn into your coping method if your life is trash. And it ends one way. Total burnout and a depression spiral. If you're expecting people to return anything for what you in particular have done to help them, don't. It'll tire and drain you further.
The thing to keep in mind is, if you're going to help people or interact with them, you need to balance that between time for yourself, otherwise you'll burn out. Now, onto the big one. The loser lifestyle as you call it. Spoiler Simple. The reason why you crave it is because it's easy. It's the easiest thing in the world to do for anybody. People crave simplicity and naturally drift towards what's easy and has less resistance. The catch however is that too much of this creates stagnation. Not enough stimuli or growth for the brain and you feel like shit.
The inverse is also true. Do too much and reach too far, and you burn out. So again, what your life needs is balance and structure. Not too much shit piled on to create constant resistance, but enough resistance so that you never stagnate. The thing about resistance is that we can condition ourselves to face it and go through it. What starts out as something hard to do will eventually become easier as time goes along. Other challenges will come along and because you have the experience, you'll be more inclined to face up to them rather than sit around and slink away from them.
The biggest key to all of it is focus. Whatever we focus on, we amplify how much we feel about it. It works both ways. You start a hobby you like, your attention is drawn to it. The more you do your hobby, the more you love it. You wake up one day and tell yourself it's going to be a shit day or that you feel like trash, all you'll look for are things to make you feel trash.
The reason why the activities you undertake make you feel like shit is not neccessarily because they themselves are trash, it's because you're caught in a stagnant loop with nothing else entering your life to provide different stimuli. But then again, that depends on what they are. If it's too personal, I won't press it. But I wager you've got a problem with porn and loneliness. If that's the case, then it's an issue that needs to be addressed seriously.
And for the last part. Spoiler Since when was there a time limit for deciding about who or what you wanted to be? Every day, hour, minute, we can decide to do something and go a different direction in life, and those directions make experiences that shape and change who we are. Every second that you're alive you're deciding who you are and what you want to be. There's no arbitrary line that says, "Okay bud, pick whether you want to be a bum or superstar the rest of your life."
Truth is, you're not obligated to decide anything either. You don't have to be or do anything even though society or your parents will drop pressure on you. But you'll feel obligated to because you're watching other people around you appear to progress in their lives while you seemingly sit still. And that's what makes you feel like shit. Reading through some of the other people's posts in here, I'd bet my next paycheck that as you read them you feel like shit because you say to yourself "wow fuck, look at how much has changed in this person's life and I'm just here living in a basement wanking off every night for the rest of my life."
It feels like you're trapped in a long hallway with one end. The door is miles away from you, and at the end of the door is death. You want to get to the door, but at the same time you desperately want that hallway to branch somewhere else rather than having your entire life span that one hallway.
I'll tell you something about happiness. You wonder if you'll find something that makes you feel happy without feeling like garbage. Happiness is a perspective. Consider this.
There's a physical limitation to how happy we can feel. So what's the actual difference in the feeling of happiness created between bill gates waking up and seeing that he could buy about thirty countries and turn them into his front lawn, or sitting down to eat a burger when you're really fucking hungry? Absolutely nothing. But, when we consider the scale it's different. People will con you into thinking that sitting down and enjoying your food is smaller than buying a country out of your own bank account simply because it looks bigger.
I'll say this. You can achieve both ends of what you're after in life, but in order to do so what you need to do is balance them properly.
Hope it helps.
170
« on: May 23, 2021, 10:22:45 PM »
Glad to see you're still around. Seems like quite a bit's changed since I saw you last.
171
« on: May 23, 2021, 10:20:23 PM »
Dude wtf congrats
Thanks man. Some big changes for sure.
How have you been?
Edit: just read your comment in the other thread. Anything in particular you're feeling depressed about?
Not really
Things haven't gotten worse
It's just the tonnage that's piled up is getting heavy
Also I said working isn't the source of my depression but thinking about it, it definitely is making me feel worse
When I was in school, I could tell myself that my life hadn't started yet
There was still a goal to look forward to, just hold out for a few more years
But now it's like, this is it? Now what? Hold out for the rest of my life?
It's making time pass by really slow and I'm stewing in the void
Trying to think of how to cobble everything to say here. Your goal never shifted so you never picked up much of anything guiding in school. That means you've done little to no growth towards anything. And I'd be willing to bet you're stuck with a unique problem. You sit around stewing and wondering if that's the endgame, but when you try thinking about all the things you could possibly do, they all seem out of reach or as if you've already run out of time to do them. Would I be right or wrong on that? Can possibly help ya out if you feel like talking about it.
172
« on: May 23, 2021, 12:24:33 PM »
Funny how a bunch of us show up back here isn't it. I've thought about that one before and I still don't really have an answer, other than the theory that in society most of us are oddballs and don't entirely fit in with what'd be considered the normies. I guess I know why I show up though. Out of all the communities I've crossed paths with, I talk the easiest here, that and you people are still actually alive to talk to (although I've got suspicions about some who went awol) I'm sorry the place brings up shit memories for you and caused so much trouble. Funny that it's the opposite on my end, where I don't really have bad memories for what I can remember. Earnestly I think after my SO went down this place was and to some degree still is the only bright spot I've got left.
173
« on: May 21, 2021, 02:25:00 AM »
Coomer, you want some food for thought since I've nothing better to do at the moment?
My first suicide attempt left a mark on me. Death's got a pull on me in my mind at all times. Quieter now than it was before, but still there. I'd just like to surrender. Be pretty easy too. I don't feel hunger anymore, and in isolation with no contact from people I implode within a few days, stop eating and just sleep. Easy to starve myself.
I regularily have to ask myself why I haven't just let it win yet. Logically speaking, I'll die someday anyway. What's the difference if it's now or later? Logical answer I think to myself. I have no information on what happens after we're dead. Nor if there's such a thing as pre "life." Where was I before I knew this particular existence? Where will I go after? There's no theory out there with credible evidence. However, consequence is a thing. If for whatever reason there was something after death or before life(maybe it's the same thing), there'd be consequences to me committing suicide. We cannot escape the rule of causality, even in death.
There's plenty of motivators. I ask myself what my significant other would think. She'd have called me a fucking idiot for trying to blow my head apart with a shotgun. And she would've helped me back onto my feet. The few family I have left would be devastated.
Most of all I try to stay in the game because I know I can make a bit of a difference. I hate seeing other people in trouble because I think, "Shit, what if they feel like I did? I can alter that by intervening and be the person I needed in my life when I was down and out but never got, just for somebody else."
That's good enough for me to keep trying. Besides. If we assume there's nothing after death, then what's a lifetime compared to infinite nothing? No matter how much pain or suffering there is, it's nothing compared to infinite unawareness that you won't feel or be aware of in terms of time.
I also remember what it was to be totally emotionally stunted. No emotional responses or the ability to recognize that I felt anything. The feeling of true emptiness is a unique hell to exist in. I've got fragments of emotional responses back, and I'm thankful for the ability to feel pain or distress when I do.
The actual reality of pain is that it's as much a gift as feeling happy, because without it, being empty is infinitely worse. It's just that with pain, we can get caught up in feeling it, in the same way we chase after happiness. It's a bit like an actor getting into character. Play the character long enough and you become the character. Felling happy or like shit is exactly the same.
I can't re-iterate that one enough to ya. If I had a choice? To feel empty like I did before, or to feel just pain or discomfort? I'd pick pain and discomfort any day because the nothing is just.... the worst. I know it sounds funny that feeling nothing can be the worst. But it is. I'm still fragments of nothing in certain places. Those patches of emptiness are the only things left that I can think of that still frighten me.
Course, other people just don't kill themselves because they're happy and stable human beings with little to no baggage. Pretty simple, that.
174
« on: May 21, 2021, 01:03:40 AM »
I've seen people I knew die before their time due to car accidents or OD's. The latter especially pissed me off.
Spoiler Her father came back home one day (he was a marine sailor and would go away for months sometimes) to find out that his daughter (age four) was dumped in a foster home and the mother fucked off to another country. They were not married.
He spent about a year getting custody rights from the state. As you can imagine, being a single father who leaves home for months at a time would have problems proving he is capable of caring for a child.
Eventually they agree to let him get his own daughter back but regular visits were required.
He got a different job, so he could spend the required time at home and also got a babysitter.
Fast forward a few years, the girl is sixteen and her cunt friends start playing with drugs, she very quickly deteriorates and ODs not long after.
What an absolute waste of life. I can't even imagine what the father must have felt.
^ The point I'm making above is that someone out there put effort into your life. Someone out there cares. Do you really want to shit on them like that by offing yourself?
I often think about what it would be like if some of the people who died prematurely - would still be around today.
Unless you really feel like you have 100%-ed life, you have a reason to keep living another day. Or if you feel like there is no reason to keep going anymore, you know how empty it feels - make it your mission to make sure the people around you never feel like that.
lmao this is so insensitive
The father didn't own his daughter's life, and she owed him nothing. It's her life, that she was monstrously forced into by her cruel parents. I don't care how much unasked-for "work" someone puts into their friend or child's life, that doesn't give them a stake in it.
As for OP, don't kill yourself. There are so many beautiful, amazing things in this world. Invincible season 1 just came out ffs
I don't feel like putting a poker in the fire, but I will. You're not considering both sides of the fence here. If the father had no stake in his kid's life, he would have fucked off and let things happen as they did. But he decided to stay, help try to raise the kid right even though it's nearly impossible as a single parent. You're treating all parents as losers that expect something back from the work they put into their kids. You'd be right for a percentage of them, and those are the losers. A real parent or a friend puts the time in not because they expect a return, but because they genuinely want to help somebody else succeed, feel better, or have a better life. And from the stance of a parent, or anybody, watching a kid commit slow suicide because of drugs is sad no matter how you frame it, and a waste, because it's a waste of potential to what that person could have been. I don't give a shit if anybody believes it. I traveled for about a year, maybe two with a person who was disowned by her parents just for liking women rather than men. She was a talented musician on the street, smart enough to attend university medical fields. But she got hooked on bad shit when some asshole spiked her drugs with the hard shit. And she didn't have the strength to beat it. So she died homeless. I carried her with me to a hospital just to try and get her up from the OD, but that was it. She could have done more, been more, and her parents didn't even give enough of a shit to want her ashes back. She owed nothing to me and yet I still feel so empty that it ended that way, and that's because I tried to stick with her and help because what would've made me the happiest for her would be to see her back on her feet and at peace. She didn't deserve that particular end. Most people don't. It's not about what I or anybody puts into it. It's about the loss incurred when it could've turned out differently. If you believe everybody can be redeemed, then that belief must therefore extend to potential. Everybody has potential for something, and when they don't strive for it or reach it, when they die even though they had the chance to turn it around, that is sad, and a waste no matter how you frame it. It also causes great pain for those left behind. Sometimes I have good dreams about her. I see her face and that smile, I hear a tune. Sometimes I still have nightmares about a walk that never ends and the weight of another body on me as I try to run as fast as I can down a corridor with no end. She always dies.
175
« on: May 18, 2021, 12:17:19 AM »
Since I can't tell if you're shitposting or this is 50/50 shitpost and serious, let's just go with the simplest base explanation of survival instinct. It's biologically ingrained into us to survive.
More complex answer is psychology relating to every individual and how they view life. Life itself is objective and can be viewed in any way a person pleases. So, plenty find meaning of their own while being led on the quiet puppet strings of biology.
If you want a meme answer, everybody doesn't just all kill themselves because that's hard work.
176
« on: May 15, 2021, 12:49:51 AM »
You want a meme answer or a legit answer? Guess I'll give both.
Go with the Das route and do some heavy duty sex times.
If not, just do something enjoyable together. Go out together somewhere, have a nice meal, see a nice place. Depends on how romantic you are or want to be really. Hell, even if you just close up shop and stay in bed together all day, that's fine too.
Glad things seem to be going well at least. Last time we talked stuff was sketchy between you and him. Hope it's smoothed out a bit.
177
« on: May 15, 2021, 12:42:25 AM »
Had to think about that one for a bit. Whether or not there was any progression or if it was just a circle that led back to the same point anyway.
I guess mentally I'm less further into the shitter and I make no efforts at concealing whatever's left that plagues me. Looking back, I think most of my core values are still as they were, I'm just more weathered and fatigued. Less patience for bullshit and people's stupidity, double the responsibilities to undertake.
I'm physically as healthy as I can manage, but breaking down from all the injuries and other shit I have piling on.
Saw a lot of stuff on my travels, saw a lot of stuff back home. There's legitimately some shit I wish I could unsee or take back. Then again it's all ammunition for why I still try to uphold the only core value I've got left mainly. My day was worth getting up for if I could make a difference in somebody else's day.
178
« on: May 05, 2021, 10:46:48 PM »
If you're not feeling post nut clarity something is wrong.
I still dont understand what this clarity is or is supposed to be
It's apparently more noticeable for people who get addicted to porn and end up watching more extreme/odd content to fit the bill. The clarity part hits and makes people suddenly feel disgusted with what they just watched, or shows up in some other form such as depression coming back to fill the void from the high of masturbation.
personally, i've cut down to watching porn maybe once a month, and what i watch is extremely vanilla by internet standards, and i still get "post-nut clarity"
there's actually a much older french term for the phenomenon: la petite mort, which literally translates to "a little death"—it's like the brain is distressed that it allowed itself to be overcome by carnal desire once again
the fact that casper doesn't understand it also leads me to think the phenomenon may be linked with intelligence
Wow colour me surprised I didn't think the most intellectual interaction I'd have today would be about basement dwellers and depressed millenials blowing their loads over bell delphine's bathwater. God works in mysterious ways as they say.
I don't get no magic nut clarity since my ability to produce dopamine and serrotonin were fucked a long time ago, so no need to wank into a sock for me, I guess if we're gonna sit around and talk about that shit like drinking buddies.
Like, if the "clarity" is just the feeling of moving onto something productive, then yeah I get that. Maybe being on hrt affects things too. But I've noticed that compared to my friend, or whatever you'd wanna call him, he gets tired afterwards but I feel more awake. Idk im not sure what the nut has top do with the clarity of my conscious tho, when dwelling on things is my default state
Ten thousand percent not about the main topic, but while we're on the topic of hormones I may as well shoot. Lately I've read up on studies being done on soy and why it's bad for for either men or women because it disrupts their hormone levels. Too much of that is associated with cancer. Been a question I've had on the mind for a long while now. If disrupting hormones increases the likelyhood of cancer by quite a bit, then is there a possibility in the following decades that we'll see a massive spike of cancer in people who've undergone hrt? I don't wager you've got an answer, but the mention brought the question up.
179
« on: May 04, 2021, 10:54:39 PM »
If you're not feeling post nut clarity something is wrong.
I still dont understand what this clarity is or is supposed to be
It's apparently more noticeable for people who get addicted to porn and end up watching more extreme/odd content to fit the bill. The clarity part hits and makes people suddenly feel disgusted with what they just watched, or shows up in some other form such as depression coming back to fill the void from the high of masturbation.
personally, i've cut down to watching porn maybe once a month, and what i watch is extremely vanilla by internet standards, and i still get "post-nut clarity"
there's actually a much older french term for the phenomenon: la petite mort, which literally translates to "a little death"—it's like the brain is distressed that it allowed itself to be overcome by carnal desire once again
the fact that casper doesn't understand it also leads me to think the phenomenon may be linked with intelligence
Wow colour me surprised I didn't think the most intellectual interaction I'd have today would be about basement dwellers and depressed millenials blowing their loads over bell delphine's bathwater. God works in mysterious ways as they say. I don't get no magic nut clarity since my ability to produce dopamine and serrotonin were fucked a long time ago, so no need to wank into a sock for me, I guess if we're gonna sit around and talk about that shit like drinking buddies.
180
« on: May 04, 2021, 10:34:25 PM »
Thanks guys, glad to hear you’re all doing decently well
What makes ya figure your job's on the line?
Job is making cuts and putting extreme pressure on my manager. Even though I’m the top performer in our entire location, he’s getting desperate and wanted me to do something unethical which I refused, now he is after me lol.
I’m not too worried about the job tbh. It’s a good job but I have enough money to survive 6-10 months normally and can find another quickly. If anything it’s welcome, I feel like I cannot even preform well in the mental state I’m in
My breakup is messing me up so bad. I feel like it’s bringing up years of childhood traumas and deep underlying issues I’ve had. This girl was incredibly good to me, loyal and full of love. And my pure selfishness is what ruined it. I ruined an incredibly beautiful relationship because of my need for validation and lack of true love for myself. It has brought up years of instances since childhood where I was completely inconsiderate and selfish to the people who loved me most. I feel like my entire sense of self is just disintegrating. Like I am being torn apart in a blender. Really intense :/
If it was unethical then your manager can't lay you off unless you yourself actually trip up and do something to warrent getting fired. The most he can do is the walmart trick. Assign you the toughest/shittiest tasks until you break and quit yourself, or cut your hours until your fold and find another job. That or just be a passive aggresive bag of dicks, which is easy to counter by just not giving a shit. As for the breakup and past fuckups, only thing I can say is this. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, and I've gone through a lot of shit. Don't ever wallow in your own trash. Get the fuck up and make your mistakes mean something by learning from them so that you don't repeat them. You are being ripped apart in a blender because you just lost somebody you did give a fuck about. You're going to be going over it all again and again in your head and it's just going to stew because you helped make the situation you're in now. It'll burn a lot because you had something, and you lost it. It's natural to grieve and feel like shit. But I've a question for you. What's been the worst day of your life? And was the worst day comparable to what you're going through now, or is what you're going through now the worst day so far?
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