How come every time I think of transgender issues it makes me so sad? Every time I have thought of femininity and myself I have never thought that I was a transgender male to female. I just like feminine things and there have even been times where I have expressed to people that I was transgender on rare occasions and those occasions have haunted me so much, because it is something that you can't just recant without people thinking that you actually meant it. I really hate how words carry so much weight behind them, there ois so much in this world that is not nice and is just a strain on the faculties of a person's mind. It's no wonder that we live in a world of such intolerance and hatred. It's because the world has so much strain that goes into living with social norms that i think some people just don't want to take the pressure. They probably think that pressure, for things besides just sexuality and gender, but things in general like even saying a swear word, these things are pressured to not be done. There is so much about our society that keeps us from truly expressing ourselves the way we want to.

I think of how disgusting it is to me when I think of people who go to their jobs in their suits and try to put on a so called professional face. There's so many rules and standards in this world it is a wonder to me that people in general don't get offended by them. It seems to me that the people who are against these standards are the ones who are smartest, but who am I to say who is right or wrong when there are always people on opposite sides saying that the other is wrong. I don't think that i am going to change someone's mind by saying some things on some obscure corner of the internet, and I don't think that getting up in front of a camera in front of the world would make a difference either. I do imagine myself sometimes in front of the world just saying things. I wish that the world didn't make a big deal out of anything and everything was sort of like a little game and everything was pastel colors and everything was just super nice and warm and friendly. I wish that there was no fear and there was just happiness and friendliness. Except that is so far from what the world actually is.

All these thoughts keep coming to my head and I don't know what to do with them. All these pressing thoughts that mean so much to me that i don't want to bring up to the world around me. The world around me seems so ignorant and more so unconcerned with me than anything else. I know that I have said it a lot on this blog but I feel so alone in this world among all the houses and buildings and businesses. I realize that there are billions of people out there and my one unique story is not a very interesting one. It is not one filled with adventure and self discovery. It is just a sad tail of a boy, who is now 20 and no longer a teenager, sat in his bedroom and thought about how sad the world around him is. There are so many people out there who have a way to live. They have found the rhythm of how the world works. Meanwhile I am just hear and I equate myself to those weaboos who are over weight and masturbate to my little pony and 2 dimensional anime characters. I don't do that but i guess the things I masturbate over are no better. I just feel like why is this world even here to make me feel lonely? What is the point of all this loneliness and suffering? It just feels like all of this is happening and it only adds to that one big over arching theme of life. That it is all so pointless.

I see people talking about it all the time, how life isn't fair, how life is short, how life is all these terrifying things. It doesn't really do a good job putting things into perspective for me. More like it makes me more terrified and more pressured to feel like that is what life is all about is going out and doing things. It seems like life is so much about pushing yourself and being competitive and I wish that it was more like just going around and doing your own thing. Just exploring the world and making giving a stranger a nice warm smile every once and a while, or befriending people. Seeing a beautiful colorful scene of nature on a nice warm summer day's walk. I imagine a fantasy where life isn't a metropolitan hustle to get ahead in the world of business. I imagine just nice fields of grass with cute little homes where everyone knows each other and is open to each other and explores different parts of the world, left unmolested by the hands of people. Just beauty, unlike the strange reality I live in which doesn't make sense. Except in this world that is not what it is like. Instead the world makes me sad and while I am here absolutely starving for some sort of experience in the world that feels real to me, the best thing that all the people around me can do is tell me that that is just the way things are. They tell me that I am weak and sometimes they even tell me that I am annoying them with the things I say.

I guess that is what i get for spending most of my time on chat room forums instead of actually being in the world. I feel like if people actually talked to me in the real world that they would find that i am actually a pretty nice person. Except there is a trade off. In the real world you cannot tell people about your inner layers, your inner thoughts and fantasies and desires. That is why i call the internet the internet and why I call actual human interaction the real world. This is not real, typing to people and them reading what I say, or chatting to someone without that face to face contact. The contact of a person face to face is so much more intense than anything on the internet. In fact talking to people face to face makes me uncomfortable I practically never see anyone to talk to them face to face at all. People ask me why i am so upset when I am practically starved every day of any human face to face interaction. They don't only wonder why i am so upset, but they don't understand why I am so upset, these people who I talk to online. It is only the people who I talk to online who would be so callous to say these kinds of things. I haven't really experienced what it is like to talk to people in person and experience the warmth of what it is like to have someone smile at what i say or inversely see that they are false smiling and don't really care about what i say. In fact most of the time I talk to people in person it seems that there is a very large tension for me to communicate.

I think that the reason that there is this tension is because I withhold all of these thoughts inside of my head. The ones about sexuality and gender and fetishes and political and philosophical opinions. I am always searching desperately for answers to these questions that I don't see anyone else actively trying to solve. I am grasping for any hint of meaning that I can find in this world and any new perspective or any new feeling that I can muster out of my mind. I want so badly to experience the things in the world and I take my life so seriously. I don't want to waste away, I want to live and experience what life has to offer. Instead I am surrounded by people who seem more interested in just laughing at the world and getting high and not taking the world seriously. Laughing at all the seriousness of the world and deepening their drunkenness so they can escape all of the difficulties of the world. They surround themselves with friends and loved ones and booze and weed and television and all of these things that distract them from the world around them. What happens when all of those things become too stressful to look at for a person? That is what it is like for me. I also do not like doing drugs and trying to mask my feelings. I like being in touch with my feelings. Sometimes there are even people who are so pessimistic and nihilistic that they feel that life is not worth living.

I myself am rather nihilistic, I guess you could say. I see a lot of things in the world that make me feel a deep sense of sorrow. A sense that the world is fucked up beyond repair and there is hardly anything that i can do about it. Except I supposed I am different from those who look at the world in such a pessimistic way that they feel that it is also okay to destroy their own lives in the process. I guess you could say that I am an optimist, because I have a strong will to live and I wish that I could live forever. As far as I am concerned I am only getting off the ground in terms of what I want to do with my life. I wish that I had an eternity to cultivate these thoughts. Eventually if I lived forever I would hope to cultivate some talents, because I am sure after years of living on this planet that eventually i would become comfortable with living and be able to pursue the things that I did when I was younger. When I was younger I did partake in a lot of activities like playing instruments and karate and sailing and skiing and sports. I guess after a while all of that changed when I started feeling like everything in the world was just pointless. All the things that I truly want out of the world are hard to attain and require more effort than a simple google search. I want to experience things so esoteric that they make me feel like when I open my eyes I literally feel differently about the world.

I guess that my perspective has changed since I was a child though. My perspective has changed from simply being a young optimistic kid who was never quite satisfied with life, to a nihilistic and unhappy adult who is still unhappy with life. The biggest different is that now instead of being that young bright eyed kid who was so eager to learn about the world, now everything I have learned about the world has just made me upset. So upset that now I can hardly look at it anymore. At least I still have my optimism though. I just don't know how I could possibly get any worse than I already am. Perhaps I have actually improved, which I know I have. I know that all my experiences have shaped me into a profoundly more intellectual person than I was when I was younger. I have no doubt that my ability to process information is staggeringly larger. Not that that really means anything relative to everyone else's intelligence. I am just saying that my own intelligence in comparison shouldn't be compared to everyone else's. I guess the thing that I was most is to just go down the street some day and look at the world and feel happy. I feel like that is always what I have been missing in my life. Is just a feeling of comfort and a feeling that there is a lot of nice things in the world. I guess that there are people who look to religion to find such things. Religion is kind of transparent to me, it just represents false hope. I don't want that. I just want faith in the world around me.

It seems like no one really has faith in the world around us anymore. So many people turn to religion because it seems that there isn't much faith that can be had in the world. You don't need religion to have faith in something. It seems like no one really believes that the world is a good place. People feel that the people in the world are to blame all too often. I often feel guilty for the things that i say against religious people. Not because it is invalid to say those things, but because I am saying it about people who are all experiencing the same life as I am. The way that I cannot tolerate them, that is almost an instinct for me. It's the things that they say and the way that they act that governs my reactions to the things that they say. I wish that I didn't feel this way and I wish that in some way I was able to view them and just smile. I wish that I could smile at these things and accept them for the way that they are while still maintaining my own ideas and stand to my own convictions. The problem with that is I don't know how. It seems to me that there is a lot that I still could learn about how to deal with this world. Instead of improving I just keep getting worse it seems. It seems that my anxiety and nihilism grows by the day.

It just gets worse and sometimes I even feel like I may be descending into some sort of inherent psychological disorder. I do fear for my life in times like these. It's just that i can feel myself slowly dying and descending into madness. Just the negative emotions. I feel that I am very coherent in my thoughts. I can articulate them very well, except the anxiety and everything will rub my hand, as if my brain was just surrounded by a thin plastic bag and there was nothing to keep the world from touching it, and I can feel everything that I experience all of these feelings and these memories and these perceptions and senses at such an overwhelming level. I guess that is what people would call autism. A neurological disorder that somehow has fucked up my brain. I don't doubt that my brain is fucked up. I always felt that my brain was somewhat fucked up. I feel that I was different in some way. I just can't perform life in the same way as the people around me. It always made me feel sad because I never wanted to be abnormal. I guess at least now that I am it gives me a unique perspective on life. I just wish that all of these thoughts were useful and appreciated by someone. I'm sure that they would be. I don't want to be so naive to assume that there is no one in the world who could appreciate my thoughts.

The problem I have with people picking on autism is that it is more than just the stereotype that people have made up. It seems like people use it as an adjective. They see one cringe video on youtube containing some kid that is described as having autism and then they see that as what autism truly is. It's sad to me because these people don't have any volition in what they say because they are not doctors. They cannot make these kind of determinations about a person without those qualifications. It is nothing more than a pejorative to say someone is autistic without these qualifications. I know that people in general would not say these things and that people in the public wouldn't look at someone and dare say something so rude unless they were deranged and held a truly twisted view of the world. Just from seeing people make fun of the condition of autism on the internet it makes me think of all the people who are bullied and harassed in every day life. I know that it isn't just a feeling that is held in an isolated little part of the internet. I think about how going into the world there are people who may see me as someone in the perspective of these delusions and misconceptions. I guess I should take solace in something I have been thinking about more recently. Not everyone in the world is bad and there are people out there who are friendly and don't care about the bad things in me, or the things that other people see as gross. I guess the best thing that i can do is keep focusing on these positive things. That is what people usually tell me to do when I am upset anyways.

It's a cute boy taking a bath

wHY DOERS EVERYONE EXPECT SOMETHING OUT OF EVERYONE ELSE? i AM JUST HERE TO DO MY OWN THING. i FEEL LIKE CARING ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE IS THE THING THAT MAKES ME MOST UNHAPPY. sO WHEN i THINK OF ALL YOUR WORDS AND STUFF IT LOOKS LIKE A SWIRL OF MELTED ICE CREAM IN MY HEAD WITH LIKE CHOCOLATE AND VANILLA SWIRLING AROUND AND IT'S ALL WARM AND DISGUSTING AND EATING IT WOULD MAKE ME SICK. SO YEAH THAT IS HOW i FEEL ABOUT PEOPLE TRYING TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO OR THINK OR HAVING EXPECTATIONS OF ME IN THE FIRST PLACE. we ARE ALL ANIMALS. wHY NOT JUST OVERSEE EACH OTHER LIKE MONKEYS AND BE UNBIASED AND ACT LIKE IT IS ALL JUST PART OF NATURE? THAT IS WHAT ANNOYS ME ABOUT PEOPLE IS THAT THEY CAN'T REALLY BE BOTHERED TO GIVE PEOPLE NO EXPECTATIONS, THEY HAVE TO BE THINKING ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE, AND IF EVERYONE WAS SELFISH AND DIDN'T THINK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE THEN WE WOULDN'T HAVE THIS PROBLEM OF SELF RIGHTEOUSNESS WHERE PEOPLE FEEL THE NEED TO DEGRADE OTHERS JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE WHO THEY ARE,

I just wanted to let all you pieces of trash know this.

I know that it would be insane to actually try to end your own life because that goes against basic human instinct. I have been thinking though that for me I really don't want to die and I think I am kind of scared of dying. I also think that my life has become hopeless though. My mom and I have been fighting a lot. She is taking me to colorado and now that we're here we realized that this was a mistake. I am stuck here with her and she just keeps yelling at me. I have no will to ight anymore. I just feel completely drained and I cannot sleep. This new laptop that i just got alrady has burned out kys on th kyboad. Some o the letters that i typ don't sho up cae the keys aren't sensitive enough. This is my only computr that i was suppoed to use in the move bcause I lft my esktop at home.

There is nowhere for me. I can't live a succesful school career. talking to everyone else they just say that when I talk about epressing stuf t just drags them down. So here I am supposed to be on my own and all I an do is think about how inedibly tired I am of living at all. It's all my mom's fault and that stupi fucker says that she's epressed right now and continues to yell at me and I just want to beat the ever loving shit out o hr. I haven't slept for 2 days and I have an xtreme anxiety attack yesterday where I tried weed for the first time and I literally ouldn't speak or move and it lasted for 8 hours. now the nxt day my mom is here yelling at me and tlling me it is my ault or causing all hr stress.

It’s funny to me how boring life really is. Even when I’m supposed to be having fun sometimes I find myself saying to myself “I am enjoying this”. It’s a subtle difference that is hard to realize if you are in denial, the difference between actually enjoying yourself and lying to yourself. Every day we people go about our business and you just look forward to the day being over. Sitting around working on something, the little pieces of meaning are so important that they are the source of motivation.

You say in a world where there was no responsibility and no hardship there wouldn’t be any happiness. You say that a perfect world would be boring. So this world that we’re living in must be perfect by that logic… your world, not mine. I struggle to distinguish whether this is just delusion or if it is just an anecdote trying to tell me that complacency is virtuous. I wonder if people can tell that subtle difference between enjoyment and disappointment anymore. Like when you hear your favorite song you know you’re enjoying yourself opposed to hearing one you don’t.

who the fuck stores their music in 40kbps? that's repulsive. it would sound so fucking bad. I have seen people with like 10kbps files before.

I tried to start a drawing of charles manson on my backpack that I will be taking with me places. I just fucked it up because I was trying to paint the head way too big. I should have started small and tried to fit the entire thing in there. I actually made it look really nice for a painting that was inside of such a small space, but the face looked too disembodied from the rest of the head. so I ended up destroying the painting. I just poured black paint over it (the color of my backpack) and hopefully I can find piece of cloth and paint on the cloth and sew it over my backpack. unfortunately the only black paint we have in the house is an oil based black spray paint. so really it is just a bad situation because it washes off in water and stuff because it doesn't really adhere to the fabric. So yeah that sucks and I am just stressed out that I tried so hard on the painting and it ended up being trashed.

I was record shopping with my godfather to try to help him find some good music. I helped him pick out a few albums I like for him to own. One of them I kind of hap hazardly picked up. I just realized I don't really like the album. So now I don't even want to talk to him again because I feel too ashamed. I tricked someone unwittingly into buying a boring record with their own money. I feel like a total piece of shit and I'm I'm so depressed. I hate the risk of dealing with people. something terrible like this can always happen. I just want to disappear into a realm of total isolation where I can't ruin people's lives anymore. I know that my relationship with him is ruined because he trusted me and I just completely back stabbed him... but I didn't even mean to.

I am not racist because I have anything against black people. I am racist because I hate the anti racist mentality that mostly comes from white people. It's really annoying how white people are like the ultimate scapegoat for black people problems. You can't say anything racist without someone throwing a huge fit. It's because people have become scared after years of putting up with HISTORICALLY DISADVANTAGED PEOPLE. So yeah, I have had it a long time ago and I am ready to admit that I am REBELLIOUSLY RACIST.

The problem is that their own version of right and wrong is subjective. A lot of the time it's not even a matter of morality, it's more of a matter that you do or say something that society just isn't comfortable. It could be that you don't follow a certain form of etiquette, you could go against one of society's "traditions" or norms. The thing is that the universe unequivocally doesn't give a single fuck. People act like whatever they think is a law of fucking nature. I think people have a really hard with this concept because they're so busy masturbating over how they're right. There's this mentality whenever someone hears about something they never heard about. They laugh and get all defensive and act like it's so fucking weird. I guess that's to save face over the fact that if they tried to understand the world around them instead of just laughing they may not understand.

I want to live in a world where understanding is just a fluid every changing stream, and whatever enters your mind is being constantly reevaluated. I think that people really like their mind to run on patterns though. Traditional thinking and  love of customs is really just a sign of extreme mental weakness. I see it everywhere I go. Here is my response to this kind of thinking

So I have finally really realized what it truly means to project? I think it's fascinating to think about it. When people have their own ideas of what you actually think, or what they think your intentions are, they will project what they think on you. I think that that is one thing I want to focus on more is how people project their own fantasy on you. I think that I will be much better off if I realized that most people really don't have tight logic. It's something I really need to work on is looking at everyone from the perspective that they are all objective. Most people have a very very loose grasp on reality. It is so true that life is as fleeting as the morning due. So I think that it is important to realize the fragile nature from the human consciousness. It is hard for me to look at comments as not a mount of knowledge, lies, and secrets that I have to sift through and build my own structure that I see in front of me in my own head. It's simple, people are dumb. I know it sounds ironic but I have kind of a hard time looking at people as if they are just dumb.

That question alone should get thinking "yes it is". If it doesn't though I really have to wonder why. It concerns me how people have this notion that everyone is just straight all the time, unless there is an anomaly special occurrence. I don't think people understand that sexuality is a spectrum and some people really like guys, some people like guys and kinda like girls, some people like girls and guys, etc. I can't wait to see the day when no one has to "come out" that they like guys, and liking the same sex will be seen as normal. I just think we need to stop the stupid people from breeding because they always breed the most. I am talking fucking eugenics up the wazoo.

I feel like what i really need to do more is set a really low standard for the expectations of me. that way when people meet me I won't have to withhold a big ass lie for a super long time before they discover the real me. I feel like people are concealing their true face behind a facade all the time. They put on a mask and pretend to be someone they're not. I think what I need to do is really focus on breaking that boundary right from the start. That way it won't hurt more when I have to break it later.

Every time I meet an attractive person I can't just be cool. All I can imagine is what the sex would be like and how romantic it would be. I hate it because I feel this huge pressure when I am around everyone I like to not act weird. Then as soon as I start to like them it's like I just can't be myself anymore. I am talking about irl and stuff because it feel like I have this nervousness all the time. I just feel like every single person is going to have fucking sex with me and I get super nervous and stuff. I know that sex will never happen though >_>