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Everyone remembers the cartoon show Scooby-Doo from their early childhood, right? But something you may not remember is what the show was really all about. As I've gotten older, it has become more clear to me what Fred, Shaggy, Daphne, Velma, and Scooby were actually doing as they traversed the continent foiling crimes of all sorts in the Mystery Machine.

What We Remember:
Four teenagers and their trusted dog gallop across the country in their purple and green van solving mysteries of all sort--and in the process meet all kinds of interesting people.

The Truth:
Four high-school dropouts and their sentient dog ride around the country in their psychodelic love machine, earning their way by selling drugs. Oh, and they occasionally take some old guys mask off to solve a mystery.

It may be a little hard to swallow, but just take a look at the evidence...

Take Shaggy for example. Not only is he the inspiration for the current 'grunge' scene, with his sloppy dress and facial hair, but Shaggy is obviously a 'burner', i.e., he smokes marijuana. Why do you think he is constantly hungry? Shaggy can make a six foot hoagie and swallow it whole.

And then there is Scooby himself. While dogs do not generally smoke joints, Scooby gets his 'high' from Scooby-Snacks, which are in fact Hash-Brownies. Whenever Scooby, or Shaggy for that matter, eats a Scooby-Snack, they go ape! It just blows their mind and they do whatever they are told, because they are so lit! Scooby is also hungry all the time.

The other characters do not actively take part in the stoner-fest that Shaggy and Scooby do, but they do condone the selling of it because it helps support their jaunts across the country (and the world--they drove to China once). These other characters do have their own peculiarities however..

Fred and Daphne are always splintering off from the group to go 'solve the case' by themselves. It's no real mystery what these two are really doing--they're getting busy in the back of the Mystery Machine. Daphne with her pretty pink, well, legs and Fred are constantly bumping uglies. Fred is, by the way, pumped up on steroids. One thing that remains a mystery to me though, is why he always wore that stupid scarf around his neck.

And what about Velma? Everyone's least favorite of the cast, was of course, a lesbian. But, as it turned out in the later episodes, she was also into beastiality. Where do you thing Scrappy-Doo came from? Scrappy, who was a dog yet spoke perfect english, was obviously a product of Velma and Scooby.

So the kids spent their teenage years driving around the world, slangin' dope, shooting steroids, eating hash brownies, and fucking their dog, while all the while looking for the perfect 'hit'.

O If we had only known these things when we watched this cartoon as children...

http://mypage.direct.ca/h/honl/escooby.html

literal heels on the spysuits

regina spektor rules