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Messages - E
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301
« on: December 18, 2020, 02:51:11 PM »
Bill burr did a pretty stellar job at acting at one point, from what I've watched. Real short scene where they infiltrated an imperial base and where sitting down with an imperial officer yabbing about operation cinder.
Most media doesn't really do much for me these days but I can appreciate when there's A grade effort involved from somebody even if the rest of the show or movie was complete ass.
302
« on: December 18, 2020, 12:36:33 PM »
Been watching clips. Seems pretty all right.
303
« on: December 17, 2020, 11:45:44 PM »
Well, wasn't expecting to pop in and find this out. I'm glad you're both alive and moving forward. Even if we can't be proud of who we are or what we've done, we can strive towards being the people we want to be. It will never change the past, but then again nothing can.
I know that all too well. I remember your name, but not much of our interactions. Only that I low-key ship you and Verb. None the less. It's good to see you again too. I'm sorry for what I did, if anything to you, even if it doesn't come across like you've any beef with me. Thank you.
For different reasons I've told my fair share of mistruth so it would be a little hypocritical for me to be upset with you for it. If it's something important, it only matters that the truth comes out. Situationally that can take a while.
And after dealing with death so much recently, it's strangely nice to see someone come back from the dead. An unexpected way to round out the year to be sure.
Hey, I always figured no people have moral high ground to stand on anyway. We've all fucked up. Although being angry comes naturally. It's what we do with it that matters. On principle I do my best never to leave on words said out of anger. Could be the last time you speak to somebody. And that haunts you. Dunno if I can say I came back. I'm still quantifying what happened out and about. It's very strange for me to be back here at all. I feel so much different to what I was that it feels as if death occurred, and yet here I am, pulling bits of myself back together that remain as they were. You mind if I ask who you lost? Been a hard year on me too. Three died on me. It truly does make me the last man standing now. I guess I could say the same. Seeing you guys here, alive in particular is just, really nice.
304
« on: December 17, 2020, 11:34:42 PM »
305
« on: December 17, 2020, 11:30:37 PM »
 Somewhat botched environment test. Had a hard time. Probably since I fucked my light setup. No shadow definition. Learned some tricks though.
306
« on: December 16, 2020, 10:54:59 PM »
. Only that I low-key ship you and Verb.
they would make a cute couple, no?
That they would Daz. Known each other for years. Aria was suppossedly putting up with Verb being a grouch long before it was cool. Just think of the empty childless household they could have instead filled with both their game collections.
untill the second arc of season three in which aria gets baby fever and eventually convinces verb they should adopt a child from the local orphanage as a compromise to his unwillingness to add more life to the world.
Ah yes, the thirties and fourties, where biology screams, make kids you fucking losers. You think Verb would make a good dad?
overall, probably.
Little misguided and overly harsh when the teenage experience hits, but his heart would be in the right place. Aria would be the cool mom that the kid would ask about weed and how to use a condom to.
One thing I never expected to not to want to envision was whatever hypothetical aria looks like blowing a condom balloon to an imported child while Verb looks on sternly. Thanks Das.
307
« on: December 16, 2020, 10:27:47 PM »
. Only that I low-key ship you and Verb.
they would make a cute couple, no?
That they would Daz. Known each other for years. Aria was suppossedly putting up with Verb being a grouch long before it was cool. Just think of the empty childless household they could have instead filled with both their game collections.
untill the second arc of season three in which aria gets baby fever and eventually convinces verb they should adopt a child from the local orphanage as a compromise to his unwillingness to add more life to the world.
Ah yes, the thirties and fourties, where biology screams, make kids you fucking losers. You think Verb would make a good dad?
308
« on: December 16, 2020, 10:25:52 PM »
I feel that. I've just had a pretty bad day today. I wish you could be able to use discord because it's easier for me to have a convo there. I don't like everyone being able to see what I'm saying if you get me. I can't talk as candidly as normal here.
Pm's work fine. Might be delays though. I didn't know Vien didn't know about me just yet. Give or take, I might be chatterboxing to you and taking earnest deserved shit on my part.
309
« on: December 16, 2020, 10:16:16 PM »
. Only that I low-key ship you and Verb.
they would make a cute couple, no?
That they would Daz. Known each other for years. Aria was suppossedly putting up with Verb being a grouch long before it was cool. Just think of the empty childless household they could have instead filled with both their game collections.
310
« on: December 16, 2020, 09:20:55 PM »
Something for you to ponder Class. I'm sorry about all this fucking text too. Curse of thinking about shit to stave off counting the seconds I guess. I don't have anywhere else to go right now, and I got all my shit done during the day. So I'm just left here by my lonesome and feeling it. Can't be alone like I used to. Eats me too quickly now unless I can move and work. So. I don't think you should write off your own struggles. Nobody should. Woman at my job was having a stressful day one day, and I asked her, "What was your worst day?" It's a question that's carried me through a lot of shit. Because despite all the bad days I've lived, none of them compare to the worst day of my life. And as long as it's not the worst, then I can do it. She tells me it was when her kiddo didn't make it during pregnancy. And I earnestly didn't know what to say to that. I traded with her. Told her about my SO. But I figure she's stronger than me to have gone through that and come out. I can't imagine the horror, even though I've seen horror. I can't imagine what I'd do after something like that. And yet my experiences are as valid as hers. We all have our unique scars. Tell you what Class. Here's a thought. You say that if nobody else will believe in you, you have to, at least for yourself. I think it's a valid line of thought to a degree. But if I compare it to my thoughts about myself, there's something interesting. I've never believed in myself Class. I stopped caring about myself a very long time ago. Stopped caring about what happens to me. And even now, the truth is I don't care what happens to me. In a weird way, I think I view myself a bit like a soldier. I'm not really here for me. I'm here to get the job done. The job doesn't give a shit about how I feel, it just has to get done. Soldiers feel shit because they're human. From time to time I can feel stuff. I get invested in myself. But it never removes the underlying core. I think if that's not managed properly, it's an unhealthy mindset. I have to be careful with how expendable I make myself. Because I can't do my job and outlive my sister if I'm dead. So a neccessary level of care for myself needs to be addressed. If we compare the two mindsets, it's actually rather stunning that a guy who doesn't believe in himself at all has done so much, while somebody who does believe in themselves has inverted it into self image in order to sustain themselves. And that's not to rag on you Class. I think in some way that means that you still don't believe in yourself. That's why the issue of your ego comes out first, before help given. Maybe there's another way on your part Class. Maybe you don't have to believe in yourself. Maybe if you just do shit, and try, and give it your all, and that's enough. And if you fail, then you fail, or you get back up and keep trying. No shame in failure either Class. The point of a mistake is to learn. I think the need to be bigger, or feel stuff that's "bigger" when you jump on your drug is the result of stagnation on your part. You said it yourself. You're in a good spot right now. And yet you're not happy. So that means that something else is missing from your life. What that missing thing is, I can only speculate. In any case, it's going to be a long night I think. Can't sleep for shit and I'm out of much to do other than seek human company in some capacity. So I'll be around if you feel like chatterboxing about stuff.
311
« on: December 16, 2020, 08:29:01 PM »
tbh it's for the better with the revenge porn and underage video scandals I've heard about. Mind you, they could, y'know, actually have a decent report system with active moderation instead.
They nuked nearly 9 million (out of 14 million total videos) when cp and revenge porn ranged in the hundreds
That's not even the real reason, this was a problem for years
The real reason was because MasterCard and Visa threatened to pull out
In the end it's all about the money
Who's to say that they don't have backups that will eventually be restored. We can look at that from two sides. Visa and Mastercard make their threats, but visa and mastercard won't make no money if their userbase is pissed off enough to bugger off. Something else is happening there. I know there's been talk in the canadian government about putting pressue on pornhub to crack down on that stuff as well. There's a fuck ton of financial strings being pulled everywhere lately.
312
« on: December 16, 2020, 08:05:20 PM »
natural selection?
it always finds new ways to choose whose more fit
unfortunately people just happen to be hedonistic and decide to just give up wasting thousands of years in the making.
We could get into some heavier stuff and ask questions about intelligence and fate though. It's not technically somebody's fault about what the limits to their intelligence are. We don't get to choose those barriers, although what we do can contribute to their creation. Was it really thousands of years in the making if they were possibly doomed from the start? I suppose so. That also doesn't touch onto the psychological effects of social media and phones. The connection is so strong that it overrides some people's survival instinct entirely.
313
« on: December 16, 2020, 03:54:43 PM »
Game isn't very good but I'm none-the-less enjoying it. PC version thankfully avoids a plethora of the issues people are having with the game, and most of the ones I've run into are entertaining at least. DLSS also so it looks great with a steady framerate. It will be a good game once it's finished, but it's pretty annoying how often that's the case nowadays.
That honestly kind of sucks. With so many years in development behind it too. I don't really jump on hype trains anymore, but I was hoping it'd at least live up in part so that maybe I could pick up long after release date and then ponder why I didn't pick up such a good game sooner.
314
« on: December 16, 2020, 03:51:32 PM »
Thank fuck, at least the bacteria hitting my heart's not cooties. That means I can not quarantine and haunt the single coffee shop left open in the province. Wasn't expecting results back that fast.
315
« on: December 16, 2020, 01:54:21 AM »
Well, wasn't expecting to pop in and find this out. I'm glad you're both alive and moving forward. Even if we can't be proud of who we are or what we've done, we can strive towards being the people we want to be. It will never change the past, but then again nothing can.
I know that all too well. I remember your name, but not much of our interactions. Only that I low-key ship you and Verb. None the less. It's good to see you again too. I'm sorry for what I did, if anything to you, even if it doesn't come across like you've any beef with me. Thank you.
316
« on: December 16, 2020, 01:49:22 AM »
Was thinking again Class. You don't need to respond. Just...it's actually unreal when I sit back and I look at everything I've done. Not just the trash and the bad days on the road, but what I did for people. What I'm still trying to do. It's never really, truly hit me before. I don't talk about it much because it feels like bragging. It's just... surreal to stop and look at my own actions sometimes. I probably saved a man's life in one of my jobs. A leaning double stacked pallet of freight tipped coming out of the walmart bay doors, and this little old indian guy was under it. I caught the weight long enough that he could get out and the pallets crushed me against the wall instead. Fractured about three of my ribs. There was this woman who I met online, talked to, for quite a while. She was on the mainland of BC. Depressed, anxious, nervous. She hopped a plane to come out and see me despite how timid she was. We spent some time together, just explored the island, had fun, and parted ways. But it sparked something in her. She started travelling again, came out of her shell. Like watching somebody come alive again. There was another woman who I met, that came from ontario. First day on the job together. I ended up giving her a hand, driving her home at night since she had no car yet, showing her the island and stuff. Helped her out with a lot of problems. I've been talking to a guy for about two months straight now, every day and every night across the net. Over his head in debt, shit parents, degrees that didn't pay off, no hope left in him. Been keeping him stable. We've got a plan started. Get him out to where I live on the guise of vacation. Get him a work visa or immigration papers, get him out to the coast where he'll have a chance to have a life. One of my co-workers got screwed by her ex-husband. Framed her in court to get custody of the kids. He's a psychological mess, manipulative, gaslighter, the works. I'm researching legal maneuvers to pull in court with her. Trying to find a way to get the funds she might need to fight. Helping to outpace the psychological damage on her kids. I sat down with a jumper in BC, overlooking a plaza at one at night. His friend had died. He was considering suicide. And I opened up and talked to him about some of the people I lost. We talked about a lot of things. Till something like three in the morning, just sitting on the edge of a building together. Then he got up and decided not to. I walked with him to his car, gave him my number and told him to call if he needed to. Next day a doctor called me to let me know that he'd checked himself into the hospital to get help. A lot of other people too. So many, if I go over them. It's just... so fucking surreal to me what I've done. How I could've blown into so many pieces, even now I'm still in pieces, and yet I've done that for people. How many lives so positively permanently altered by somebody who could be so fucked and warped at the same time. In the last year alone there's so much shit that's happened in my life it's fucking insane.
317
« on: December 15, 2020, 09:16:12 PM »
What kind of monster puts up fifteen videos on youtube and shuts them out to the public. Reading through the dark souls journey, since I've the time and I'm not motivated for much else right now. Watched the last video with Gwyn. Opening made my stomach crawl for reasons. Great parry chains on Gwyn. Props to playing risky with PW too. I don't think I'd ever heard your voice before now. Weird to hear it. Halfwise what I'd've imagined but not what I'd expect. I guess to make things slightly more on topic with collecting, did you every try out any of the other souls games?
I do own every Souls game, but besides DaS, I've only ever tried DaS2 for about ten minutes before my body viscerally rejected it. I found it revolting. It was like waking up to find all my possessions swapped for replicas with slight imperfections, and it was just the most off-putting experience. I'd like to give it another shot eventually, but yeah. Bad first impression.
Sorry for not responding to your (multiple) other posts btw. I'm not ignoring them; I'll respond as soon as I can.
Not expecting a response Verb. By my own rules, if I had a friend who did to me what I did to you guys, the only words I'd say were to leave me be and not speak. Guardian to my niece now, only person who can help my sister. My rules dictate that I need to be very careful who I let into my life because it will affect them. So, understandable if nobody here would say a peep to me. That, and people need to process things. Back to the tracks. Admittedly jarring, yeah. It's the black sheep of the series. But I think people shit on it just a bit too much. It tried some unique things at least. I'l always praise a dev for trying something new even if it doesn't exactly work. New or different denotes risk. It's not easy to take risks. Different studio too I believe, the B team.
318
« on: December 15, 2020, 08:51:39 PM »
What kind of monster puts up fifteen videos on youtube and shuts them out to the public. Reading through the dark souls journey, since I've the time and I'm not motivated for much else right now. Watched the last video with Gwyn. Opening made my stomach crawl for reasons. Great parry chains on Gwyn. Props to playing risky with PW too. I don't think I'd ever heard your voice before now. Weird to hear it. Halfwise what I'd've imagined but not what I'd expect. I guess to make things slightly more on topic with collecting, did you every try out any of the other souls games?
319
« on: December 15, 2020, 08:22:25 PM »
Any big regrets in your life?
Not using judgment as much as I should have these past couple of years and being afraid.
Ah, normie stuff then. What's your true age?
320
« on: December 15, 2020, 08:21:22 PM »
Can't really say I'm fond of being cooped up for two weeks waiting to find out if the symptoms I show are the rare strain of cooties that hits the heart or if it's just a regular bacterial infection on the lining.
I'm debating on moving my camper somewhere more hospitable since I don't have two weeks of food on hand. I think technically I could pass it off. My home is mobile and technically i'm still in quarantine if I'm in my vehicle, just so long as I don't leave it.
321
« on: December 15, 2020, 08:16:11 PM »
Any big regrets in your life?
322
« on: December 15, 2020, 09:58:41 AM »
but not giving up either.
correct me if I'm wrong but that doesn't exactly sound like weakness to me
someone who's weak would give up
Do you know what this gives birth to? Intelligence. Happiness. that, or complacency if you take the first part of your post at face value:
The greatest thing in my head is being content with being weak
but then I don't know why I'm trying to give a semi-serious response to an otherwise incoherent thread
Bro, if you kick a kid's ass over and over again and he keeps living instead of killing himself is he strong because of that? No, he lives because that's the default. If the kid has aspirations he doesn't give up on despite being a weak piece of shit then that's really admirable imo despite the fact that he's such a weak piece of shit. I mean the strong can do whatever the fuck they want
You've got to take a look at what your definition of strength is then. It takes a certain level of strength just to stay functioning either on a mental or physical level even at basic standards. I'd say the kid would be strong, even if he doesn't have the physical capacity to fight. The strong guy beating his ass? He's weak, mentally, for allowing himself to do that to another person. The strong also can't do whatever they want. There's consequences, even if there's delays. Too much value isn't being put on people who take the easy road, too much value is being placed on sentimental drivel without looking at the whole picture.
323
« on: December 15, 2020, 12:37:12 AM »
It's strange to hear that if I think about it. Wanting to do more than just live. I mean I get it. But I'm standing on the other side of the fence where most things are empty to me. And some days, for a little while, I can sit back and recognize just "living" with no extras added on. It can be amazing, actually. There's a lot of dead trees out at my property. I could use a chainsaw to cut them down, but out of principle I use an axe to do it. It's exhausting. But I need to gauge how the tree is going to fall and I've got to make the axe strikes accurate so that it falls the way I need it to. It's mundane. I think a lot of people would find it difficult, boring, pointless. Considering all the skills and strength needed to do it, I find it remarkable when I pull it off. I think there's got to be a balance to life. Recognition of what we have around us already. But enough to keep us excited so that we don't stagnate. That woman. Terrible, yes. I think that doesn't do it justice though. I don't have a word for those screams. Probably can't black them out now that the memory's surfaced either. But I quantified it today, broke it down for what it was. I was there. I did what I could. I tried, at least, like some of the other people there. That was enough, I think. All we can do is try. But she's(theoretically) out of the picture now. No worries about being on fire. I'm still here though, carrying that. So I let those emotions hit me today. And then that's it. They hit me, and I'm here now. The trick is to look forwards and not get stuck on dwelling, which is what I did years ago when I internalized everything. I got nowhere until it all pulled me down. I'm unsure if I expect or expected to gain anything by coming back here other than the reason to make things square for the wrong that I did. This batch of talking here is the most I've done in three years. I don't think I'll keep it up, considering how busy I am or the plans I have to work on normally. If I had to guess, when the dust settles here, and I'm done talking to the people that would like to talk to me, I'll be quieter and more of a passerby. Although there's people here I'd like to keep in touch with, only if they want to, of course. But I think doing what I'm doing here is another small piece in putting myself back together. I don't think I could stomach putting myself back together in full years down the line and have what I did here sitting on the back of my mind. So I asked who I wanted to be, and I said that I wanted to be honest above all else. Thanks for the offer Class. I'll keep thinking about things.
324
« on: December 14, 2020, 09:29:58 PM »
I was thinking about what you said. Debating on PMs or here. I think I prefer here. Anybody curious enough to wander through can see if they wish. You said it was a good thing I was alive. I know it's a terrible line of thought to travel, but a lot of times I don't think it is a good thing that I'm alive Verb. Would've been mercy if something got me out on the road. Perhaps even now. Although I have my responsibilities to attend to that I'd never abandon. Maybe if you're part wise spirtual you'd coin it as karma. I might. Paying my dues for what was done perhaps. I listed the conditions that I have elsewhere here. Endless hours dumped in with multiple proffessionals in different provinces to the same conclusions because I wanted to verify it for certain. I'm still partially stuck in my own hell. A day is a marathon for me. I have to think constantly otherwise I count the agonizing seconds. Only benefit to that is my ability to process things, at least. It may be why my emotional responses are so stunted now. They're gone quickly. But it is hell. I measure very carefully what I say to people, because I know how much of a maze my head is. I do in earnest value being forward and honest. But how can I do that if my own memories work against me? I've become much more open to people since I traveled, but at the same time I'm very reclusive because I don't trust myself. The dissappointment I have when I find out that I've duped myself.... which could by extension extend to a friend or colleague that I never wanted to deceive. My sense of humor is quite active around people, but sit me in a room and I go cold. For the months that I've been working in the places that I have, all the time they ask me what's wrong when they catch me alone, because I always look so distant and concerned. Little things out of the blue can set off memories. I could break down crying onto the floor while I stock shelves and manage freight. And I have to fight that off, stop and calm the stress response, and then question if what's hit me is real. Some days are better than others. Some days are smooth, and I feel a bit more like myself. My humor would mention karma. Biggest lie I ever told results in me coming back not knowing exactly whom I am. Humor in that. It's just. I'm sorry Verb. I mean that as much as I possibly can.
325
« on: December 14, 2020, 02:45:39 PM »
Need some time to process what hit me last night. Just wanted to write something to you before I take a break. Thoughts on being significant. I could speculate that you had shit parents. Neglectful ones. Not enough love given, and what was given was warped. But that's besides the point currently. You have to ask yourself what being significant truly means. If your goal is to be "significant" you've set an unattainable goal unless you define what that significance means to you. And no matter how significant you become, no matter how high you climb, death will render you insignificant. In a generation, the people who knew you closest will be dead. The memory of what you were will fade. And a thousand years from now, there will be no memory of you. However. What will be left behind are your actions. Even if nobody can see them, they'll ripple forwards forever, causing little shifts in people and events until time as we understand it ceases to function and our universe theoretically dies. I find in all the people that I've seen Class, fear is a self fullfilling prophecy. You ever watch somebody who's nervous? "Oh I'll fuck up I just know it." Boom. They fuck up. They made that. The specifics of your fears likely won't happen. But I can see a pattern in how you operate. You fear of irrelevancy manifests here in your quirks. And it appears that a lot of people here avoid or dislike you because of your need to seek attention and fill a void. In that sense, the harder you try to push to become relevant, the more people will turn away from you. Your fear makes your own prison, and it makes a cycle. There's intricacies to life that I'd like to talk about here to you, but it delves into metaphysics. It delves into what some of the druggies see when they get high. Into patterns of life that start to happen when you recognize them. But to most here, I'd sound like a loon, or a flaky eccentric. And I need to sort what's currently eating me, which is the memory of that woman on the balcony. So I take my leave. Think about things. Can't hurt. Just be safe, is all.
326
« on: December 14, 2020, 01:19:15 PM »
327
« on: December 14, 2020, 03:56:41 AM »
Haven't slept easy for a few years now. I talk about traumas Class. The woman in the fire that I told you about. She just hit me as I was writing to you. I'd forgotten about her, and then just like that, something triggered the memory. Couldn't sleep so I did some digging, to know if whether it was real or not. I got the stress response at least. Felt like my heart was going to explode and couldn't steady my hands. Judith Burke was her name. https://www.cheknews.ca/coroner-confirms-death-of-woman-in-esquimalt-apartment-fire-550351/https://www.cheknews.ca/friend-identifies-victim-of-fatal-esquimalt-apartment-fire-550812/My older memories are more susceptible to being warped but this was fresh enough to pinpoint quickly. Sometimes things are warped and sometimes they're hidden, and they show up for me like this. When I left here all those years ago I'd have shit like this happen to me too. That I can work through it without breaking down, that I'm able to speak about it now, at least. As I iterated more than once already. I know I'm deeply fucked. It doesn't make what I did right in any capacity. I just needed to find a way to save myself from things like this before it killed me and I made poor choices to do it. I wasn't expecting to turn this thread into a mess for having shit bleed out of me like this. But I guess if it helps me work through some things, so be it. I just earnestly hope that in whatever way that I can, I can rectify things for the people here whom I hurt when I left.
328
« on: December 14, 2020, 12:32:49 AM »
I know that I said I'd call it. I'm quarantined in my camper currently. Can't haunt a coffee shop tonight. It's just, shit hits me Class. I've my sister and one close friend out here that I made since coming back. I tell them some stuff. But I don't want to tell them some stuff. They just need to know that I'm here and fixing myself up. I spent the bulk of my time over in British Columbia. I crossed Canada very quickly. Much faster when my traveling companion died. I just wanted to get as far away from Quebec as possible, and cross the awful space of manitoba through alberta. One of my jobs in BC was working in a big walmart as a stock jockey on the loading bay. I got to know a lot of people there. Many wonderful people. There was this woman who worked the doors. Older woman. I didn't know her well. I was passing through one of the districts one day when I saw smoke. Went to investigate. Apartment caught fire on the higher levels. Up on the top level, there was a woman. Fire crews spread out on the bottom with a net, telling her to jump. She was too scared. She screaming about her cats. And she caught fire. Polyester clothing melting to skin, hair fusing to skin and burning, and the screaming. I tried Class. I tried so hard. I wanted to climb the balconies and try even with the heat and the fire. I had the physical strength to do it but I got stopped by the officers. And I thought, God please, just let me try. I didn't even know it was the woman that I worked with. I learned about it two weeks later when they were talking in the staff room. I just wish I could've helped them. Stop their pain. I listen to people quite a bit. And I'm just lost when they talk about their petty grievances. Or stupid shit with their families or neighbors that could all be solved if they just smartened the fuck up and saw what life was, how short it is, how it can be ripped from you without remorse at any time. And then it's too late for you to apologize for what a fucking asshole you were.
329
« on: December 13, 2020, 11:34:34 PM »
If I were a developer, I would take much more pride in accolade from actual players, not politically motivated corporates
I mean the TLOU2 team had to know they were a shoo in for the awards and I'd be surprised if Doom expected anything major
You can't forget what devs are though. I mean there's some "legit" devs out there, but I think these days a lot of them are politically motivated themselves, or the primary one, financially. I guess it varys by each team really, but pardon my skepticism. They aren't really there for the players, just the numbers coming in.
I disagree
I think that at the center of every game (except for like FIFA and Madden) are a group of people with a vision and desire to share an experience. Of course there are the corporate higher ups who only care about the money but then those people wouldn't care about game awards anyway unless it boosts sales
That'd be true too. The passionate artists or designers. The face of the company is always the highest man on the ladder. Highest man usually cares more for dollars. It's the heart and core that seems to care more, or the most. It's a shame that it's like that so often. I haven't gamed really in years, but I've kept my eyes on things. Kind of sad to see the landscape being such a political clusterfuck or filled increasingly with money ploys and tactics, shit gimmicks and so on.
330
« on: December 13, 2020, 11:22:42 PM »
You've been through a lot. Much more than I've been through.Your experiences are my fears, honestly. I just want to be safe, liked, and entertained. My biggest fear is being kidnapped and put into a cell for some sex slave dungeon for the rest of my life, where I haven't made enough connections beforehand to make people remember me or try to save me. If I don't make those connections now, if I don't make myself significant now, then I'll be just another sack of meat rotting away somewhere.
Human connections are all that matter in this world. I've used drugs to foster an ambiance of goodwill and humanity to everyone I've met. I don't do them that often these days. They were just training wheels, and now I'm good on my own.
All of this to say - people aren't just what you think of them. People will always surprise you, and they can change in miraculous ways.
I don't think that invalidates anything on your part. Saying that "you've been through more" isn't fair. There's always people who've been through more. I meet them all the time. Some less, some more, I don't think it matters really because it all amounts to being baggage for another individual. There's people who went through more than I and they did not break. I did. And I try to correct that. I met a lot of people on the road. Too much bad shit. But you see good people in equal spades too. Many of them just trying to live their lives in peace, not bothering anybody. In the last year that I spent in Victoria before I came back here, I went for a walk in one of the less reputable parks on a rainy day. That city's had a growing problem with migrating homeless tent cities and a new drug that's emerged in the last few years. Don't remember the name. Highly potent, can kill on skin contact in any dose higher than some like 2mg. I walked through the park and I saw this guy sleeping under a tree in a sleeping bag, all his traveling shit sprawled out around him. Homeless. But I didn't like his posture. So I checked him out and noted how pale his face was until I got closer and noted that his eyes were just open, staring out. Say something, no response. Checked his pulse, dark purple veins. I called the authorities and tried to jumpstart his heart. And I just sat there for hours in the rain, waiting. And nobody came. Of course they wouldn't. No city has an adequately staffed medical response team for that amount of people. I just sat there with him, thinking about everything that may have led him up to that point. I thought about my travelling companion for half of my trip. My gaming buddies who started on the easy stuff, went hard, failed rehab twice, and then OD'd. Then I sat round and pondered myself. Why I seem to keep crossing paths with this. Why for whatever reasons I keep being able to stand back up and keep trying, or why I always seem to be the last person standing, like I'm just cursed or some kind of fucked up witness. Plain reality is that it's life. Massive dynamic system in which we make choices that ripple and effect everything and everybody. It does not target people but we can roll unfair hands in our own ways. How we cope comes to be our choice if we're aware of it. You are correct in that people change. I lost three more people this year. I did not break this time. Did what I needed to, and then I processed it and let it hit me proper. I got back here just in time to be the person that my sister and niece needed me to be when my brother in law died. He himself spent a lot of time trying to fix my sorry ass up. And for many years I neglected his help because of my solitary untrusting nature until eventually I caved and trusted him. Many mistakes made. Perhaps more on the road ahead, depending on how I fix myself. I guess it's every individual's respective torch to bear. The connections with people are all that matters, really. Why I came back here. I still carry the connections to all the dead behind me, friends or lovers, family, random people. They have never broken even though I did. So too do I have connections here. I owe a debt for the time spent here in good company, and for what I did to those that actually cared about me. Realizing that people care about me and feeling it are one of the emotions and things I struggle immensely with. I can do it before a few seconds before I go cold again. My significant other was the only person who was intelligent enough to rip through all of my armour and protection that I'd built up in childhood and from traumas, see who I was and light up my world. I know that people here cared about me, and when that small doorway opens that I can register it, it burns me that I hurt them so badly. I can't undo that. But I can carry it and make sure that it does not happen again. Best I can do, even if it does not make amends. If you have made strides, then it makes me happy to know that. Shouldn't let your fears own you, though. Fear can either be unfounded or self destructive. In some part fear is what landed me here as I am now. Too much talk though. I'll leave it for now. Just don't make the mistakes I made.
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