Twas The Night Before Christmas, when all through the house,
One asshole was stirring, Ol' Ricky The Louse.

Ricky broke in, and not for a snack....
But to steal presents, that he could then sell for crack.

The Smith family slept, all tucked in their bed.
Too cheap for alarms, that would alert them to dread.

Mommy and Daddy passed out from the 'nog,
And Timmy hotboxed his room, he's asleep in a fog.

So Ricky opened gifts, when what did he see?
A Tiffany ring, with a diamond....or three.

"Holy fuck" whispered Ricky, "What a hell of a score!"
Ricky pocketed the box, and kept looking for more.

When all of a sudden, a sound on the lawn!
"What the fuck was that?", Ricky said, his shiv was now drawn.

Carefully to the window, he snuck just a peek.
"A sleigh? And some deer? Fuck, I'm startin' to tweak!"

"No you're not, little Ricky, I can assure you of that!"
"Now return that gift or you'll wear you ass as a hat!"

Ricky spun and slashed, but hit nothing but air.
"You'll have to be faster to cut ol' St Nick's hair!"

Before him stood Santa, as fat as he's tall.
"Fuck you old man, you don't scare me at all!"

"You're just some guy in a suit, you think you're a hero?"
"I'll slice out your heart, you fat fucking queer'bo!"

Santa just laughed, and assumed a fighting stance.
"Come on motherfucker, you want some? Let's dance!"

Ricky dove with his shiv, but was caught by surprise,
Santa sidestepped and landed a fist to the eyes.

Ricky was mad, he jumped up in a hurry,
He swung and he swung, his blade just a flurry.

But Santa was calm, he waited for him to slash,
He grabbed Ricky's wrist, and broke his right arm in a flash.

"Jesus Christ!" Ricky cried as he dropped to one knee,
"What in the fuck do you want from me?!"

"I fucking hate thieves, and on Christmas, you prick?"
"Stealing presents is like taking direct from St Nick."

Santa leaned down to grab the ring from his coat,
And that's when Ricky swung for the throat.

Using his left, he'd recovered the blade,
And dug it in deep...Santa couldn't evade.

"Take that you old bitch, guess Christmas is canceled!"
"The legendary Santa Claus...fucking dismantled!"

But Ricky's gloating soon turned to shock,
As Santa removed the blade, laughed and said "Suck my cock."

"You can't kill me, I'm fucking immortal!"
"Now say goodnight Ricky, this B&E was your downfall!"

Santa grabbed Ricky, and like he was nothing,
And tossed his ass through the window...now this next part's disgusting.

"Ricky, this is a situation I could have diffused,"
"But you had to stab Santa, and that wont be excused."

Into his sleigh for some rope he did reach,
And he tied Ricky's limbs to a reindeer each.

Ricky begged and he pleaded one last time not to die.
"I promise I'll change! No word of a lie!"

"This is one Naughty List that I will not revise!"
"Now pray to your God...you'll be seeing him nigh!"

"On Dancer, On Dasher, On Prancer, On Cupid!"
"Let's Quarter this Fucker for being so stupid!"

The Reindeer, they ran in opposing directions,
Until Ricky was torn into four separate sections.

The ring was rewrapped and placed under the tree,
And Santa was off, but not before one last decree:

"This could all have been avoided if you'd just dropped the knife..."
"Merry Christmas you Cunt...I just ended your life!"

Fin