Review this shit story

Risay117 | Heroic Unstoppable!
 
more |
XBL:
PSN:
Steam: risay117
ID: Risay117
IP: Logged

2,952 posts
 
If you have the guts to read it.
Long fracking chapter, tell me when you get bored of reading it and tell me what i need to fix.
Quote
While the old man frantically read through the codex; the pages cracked, a shadow grew from behind and with its rise, the candlelight dimmed. His heartbeat rose as he tried to pick his pace, trying to find a page, a phrase in the book.

Suddenly he stopped his eyes wide open, his mouth agape. The words just in his sight yet so far away, numbness was spreading from his heart; unable to utter the word. His head started to spin, unable to garner the strength to say the holy words. With his vision blurring his head fell, and from the little light in the growing darkness he saw what got him, a claw straight through his chest, blood soaking and spreading within his clothes.

So much effort spent and all lost and then he felt the claw pull up, pulling with it his ribs cracking a few but keeping him intact. Like a puppet rag doll he was lifted and turned towards the beast looking at him, with its horn and the fiery breath. A bison skull for a head covered in flames, and aloud it gurgled with laughter as black liquid fell from its mouth.

"You may have killed me but all you have done is delay the inevitable" wheezed the old man and with that he screamed a word and in a explosive light that brightened the room both the dying old man and the beast vanished. Wind gushed around and the white light spread, and with that all was normal again, the book open, left on the table.

A knock came upon the door, and a kid slowly entered, barely 3 years of age. In she came stumbling on her robes.The codex flanked by the candles caught her eye, and she stumbled her way towards it. Pulling herself up on the chair she climbed onto the desk. She looked at the book and drool fell. Staring at it for a bit, she slowly tried to read the words, spelling each letter out, though with a slur. She clapped and laughed as she completed each word proud of herself and her accomplishment. How she could read the text none would know as the secret to deciphering the ancient text were lost, and all the natural speakers had died with the language, but here stood a girl creating words from the letters, sounds that had never been uttered in millenniums.

And then a mans voice arose, "Marisa where are you?" and just as he entered the room, the girl uttered the last word, he stood there shocked at the sight of the words flowing from her mouth, but was blown away by what came next. The codex rose and with it the girl and in the glowing white light as she laughed the book merged with her, and for a second time this day another great act occurred, the wisdom of the old beings was forever locked away in the mind of the youth.

With horror, and fear he knew what had happened and immediately upon her coming down, without hesitation whisked her away. He knew her life was forever in danger, and immediately upon realization he decided it would be best to leave the city and forever hide her from the world, in the darkest and most remote parts of the world. Where none would find her or harm her.

After all his daughter from his late wife was more dear to him than anything and he would do everything in his power to save her. And in the glowing darkness as the moon and stars shone brightest she smiled and gurgled different words to her father, as she was carried away far way. Oblivious to what was to come next.

Note: So many mistakes not sure what to do with this, but had a sudden need to post a stupid story, and anyway here it is. Not sure what to do. If you want to critique my writing and artistic integrity.
Thanks:
Spurungli
Last Edit: October 02, 2014, 11:48:40 AM by Risay117


Sprungli | Heroic Invincible!
 
more |
XBL: RadialRacer
PSN:
Steam:
ID: Sprungli
IP: Logged

3,875 posts
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Just in the first paragraph you have 2 'and's in a sentence and comma splicing, ditch the 'and' after behind, make use of semi-colons too


 
Elegiac
| Knight of the Limits
 
more |
XBL:
PSN:
Steam:
ID: Elegiac
IP: Logged

23,675 posts
I'll read it but it's such an eyesore-block-of-text.


Yu | Mythic Inconceivable!
 
more |
XBL:
PSN:
Steam:
ID: Yutaka
IP: Logged

12,707 posts
Almost always, with moderation
Use paragraphs.


Risay117 | Heroic Unstoppable!
 
more |
XBL:
PSN:
Steam: risay117
ID: Risay117
IP: Logged

2,952 posts
 
Use paragraphs.
Hmm, put an extra enter space between the paragraphs for you to read.