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Coomer | Mythic Inconceivable!
 
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What was the biggest mistake you ever made

I think the biggest mistake I ever made was when I got caught swiping cash from a drug dealer I'd been stalking for a couple weeks. I got sloppy and careless since I was starting to get desperate for food. I broke my rule of stealing ten to twenty dollars and took something like four hundred. The dealer came back home right in the middle of everything and saw my face, but I got away. He had connections with the hell's angels branch in montreal and contacted them. They eventually found me and had me cornered before I could skip town. They beat me with chains, took all my shit and left me there. I've made plenty of mistakes too but that one was physically the most painful that I remember because of how much damage they did to me. Would've been mercy to kill me a that point.

That's fucking hardcore dude
What was recovery like?

Also what got you on this nomadic lifestyle you have going on if you don't mind me asking
You're like Bruce Wayne in Batman Begins


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What was the biggest mistake you ever made

I think the biggest mistake I ever made was when I got caught swiping cash from a drug dealer I'd been stalking for a couple weeks. I got sloppy and careless since I was starting to get desperate for food. I broke my rule of stealing ten to twenty dollars and took something like four hundred. The dealer came back home right in the middle of everything and saw my face, but I got away. He had connections with the hell's angels branch in montreal and contacted them. They eventually found me and had me cornered before I could skip town. They beat me with chains, took all my shit and left me there. I've made plenty of mistakes too but that one was physically the most painful that I remember because of how much damage they did to me. Would've been mercy to kill me a that point.

That's fucking hardcore dude
What was recovery like?

Also what got you on this nomadic lifestyle you have going on if you don't mind me asking
You're like Bruce Wayne in Batman Begins

Best I can remember? Two had chains and one had a pipe wrench. Multiple fractures, probably everywhere. Probably a few full on broken bones. The worst parts of my body damaged where my left leg and arm. My left shoulder was dislocated. I popped it back in myself, passed out and woke up again. The nerves in my left arm running up my neck are damaged. The tendons and my siatica nerve are fucked in my left leg, and it was already weak to begin with from a stab wound I got when I was sixteen.

Recovery was shit, probably because I didn't go to the hospital. I was in pain everywhere for months. I finished what I'd come to do in Quebec, which was scatter the ashes of a friend who didn't make it along the way with me to sea. I made myself a splint for my leg. I tried to hop a train out of Quebec but security caught me. I got beaten half to death trying to fight off the dog that was trying to maul me. I just gave up after that and walked. Didn't care if I didn't make it.

The nomadic style. It has a very complicated answer. The very very simple explanation is trauma. I had immense trauma in my childhood. I had a significant other. She was killed when I was twenty. I had gaming buddies, and a small close circle of personal friends. They're all dead. All of these events, I internalized. Never spoke to anybody about them, never spoke to family.

On the surface, I appeared to be a relatively normal, albiet quirky individual. But inside I was fucked up massively, and it was eating me to pieces. Mental breakdowns and two suicide attempts, before the death of a friend, my last personal friend, broke me. But he told me to do something before he died. I tracked down the graves of all of my friends. And I made the best peace I could with them all.

I became nomadic because I shut down and practically died mentally. But I also fixed myself along the way. Quantified my traumas. Sorted all my baggage. Got mt shit in order. I job hopped. Pushed my physical limits to their maximum. I worked three jobs, twenty hour days. Opened up more to my family. Met a shit ton of people on the road. Helped a lot of people too.

I made a tremendous amount of mistakes. And I did things I'm certainly not proud of nor can be forgiven, even if my mental state was absolute shit. Truth be told buddy, I'm not exactly a stranger to this website, or the people here. But I'm not the person that I was when I left.


E | Ascended Posting Frenzy
 
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Sorry to bog you down with what will probably be a lot more words. But I've been reflective lately. It's been a really odd couple of days. Somebody else here asked me a question privately which I answered in earnest, but it kind of got a ball rolling a bit. I've just been replaying the events of the last five years over in my head.

What started my batch of nomadic travelling was just mental collapse. I was fighting not to kill myself, fighting the urge to want to die. So I just kind of moved forwards on autopilot for a long time. I did a combination of job hopping and petty thievery to sustain myself. Hopped trains, hitchhiked, and walked. The friend whose ashes I scattered to sea. I met her on the other coastline. I started my journey there. We traveled together through the main provinces of Canada, from British Columbia to Ontario, where she overdosed and died. I couldn't save her. Her family had disowned her. They didn't want her even after authorities contacted them. So I fought through all the legal bullshit and got her ashes for two thousand dollars and two months of absolute fucking insanity working the jobs to pay for it.

I pushed through to quebec and scattered her ashes to sea. Got fucked by the hells angels and the rural quebecers at the trainyard. I walked the entirety of the way back to british columbia. I survived at least three canadian winters in a tent. I spent two of them with my friend. She was a talented street performer. Hippie type deal. I met many more people along the road too. Really, too many to write about. I took shit jobs, and learned basic carpentry and painting, sold myself as a private contractor. I had a lot of bad days. But I had good days too.

Being able to travel with nothing other than what you improvise, even under the threat of starvation because you're constantly broke, was in it's own way very simple. You pull up somewhere nice, and you just...hang out. Explore, take in the sights, meet people, an then go on your way when you're ready.

When I made it back to the british columbia coastline, I stayed for a year and worked my ass off. I bought a truck and a truck camper, saved up some cash, and then decided it was time to go. I drove out to Saskatchewan to pay my respects to my friend's gravesite. I was debating on whether or not to stay, but then the covid bullshit showed up and the borders locked down. As much as I'd like to travel some more, I do have responsibilities here that I won't ever abandon though. My travelling is likely at an end.

You're likely going to ask who I was before I started that five year walkabout. It's a simple answer that's going to trigger a fuck ton of emotions and questions. The honest truth is that I never expected to survive what happened to me, or to make it through my shit, and I never expected to find myself back here. But with recent events over the past few days, I ask myself what kind of person would I like to be? I value absolute honesty. You remember Sandtrap? I'm what's left of that person, at least. Lifetime ago it seems.

I didn't initially want to do this here, but rather than track people down one by one, if there's questions or statements, they can be asked here or in private. I imagine there's a metric fuck ton of catching up to be had. And even though I find apologies hollow since they dispose of guilt rather than fix a shitty act, there's people here I should rightfully apologize to.


 
ಠ_ಠ
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We knew the world would not be the same.
A few people laughed, a few people cried, most people were silent.
I remembered the line from the Hindu scripture, the Bhagavad-Gita.
Vishnu is trying to persuade the Prince that he should do his duty
and to impress him takes on his multi-armed form and says,
"Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.."
I suppose we all thought that one way or another.
Before anyone gets upset or takes the piss, I think it's worth giving him some credit for coming forward when he didn't have to.


E | Ascended Posting Frenzy
 
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Before anyone gets upset or takes the piss, I think it's worth giving him some credit for coming forward when he didn't have to.

Pisstaking or upset people would be warranted though. Piss poor mental state or no, it's no justification for what I did, even if what I did was necessary in my own way to make it through. Valid emotions are going to hit people and they'll speak their peace. I'll speak mine as well.


 
ಠ_ಠ
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We knew the world would not be the same.
A few people laughed, a few people cried, most people were silent.
I remembered the line from the Hindu scripture, the Bhagavad-Gita.
Vishnu is trying to persuade the Prince that he should do his duty
and to impress him takes on his multi-armed form and says,
"Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.."
I suppose we all thought that one way or another.
I suppose since it's all out in the open now I may as well just ask here instead of privately; what was the motivation for constructing the narrative of "visiting Sandtrap's grave" when you could've easily just left it at a more generic friend and/or loved one? Mind you, I'm still trying to figure out how to feel about all this.


E | Ascended Posting Frenzy
 
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I suppose since it's all out in the open now I may as well just ask here instead of privately; what was the motivation for constructing the narrative of "visiting Sandtrap's grave" when you could've easily just left it at a more generic friend and/or loved one? Mind you, I'm still trying to figure out how to feel about all this.

Before I started my roadtrip, Quiet was the last personal friend of mine to die. I stayed with him through all of it. He didn't die peacefully. He died in fucking agony. And his family was shit too. They didn't want him either. So I did the same thing that I did with my travelling companion, Sarah. I took his ashes to my property, I put down a rock marker for his grave, and I scattered them on the wind.

I mentally imploded after that. I told my family that I needed to just go. And I did. The reason for the narrative is because when I went back there, in a strange way, it was like visiting my own grave. It felt that way for all of my friends. Like a part of me died with them. Quiet especially, because he was a childhood friend. He was like a copy of me, just with his own quirks and fuckups. Sentimental, maybe. Somebody else died when I left that grave. I abandoned every single thing that I was, cut every single tie, and headed out with the intent of dying.


E | Ascended Posting Frenzy
 
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And if you want some more context. I catch myself in mirrors sometimes. I stop and look at that person. I've got all these old memories and events that seem like lifetimes ago. Thinking about them, and then looking at whatever it is that I am now. Well, I don't have any words for it really. That's because I think in my own way I'm still reforming. I'm still quantifying some of my baggage. Still trying to get those ghosts out of me and heal.

I'd go so far as to gamble that even this is quantifying some of my baggage. I made a massive mistake when I left here the way that I did, even if in some way I had to. The people I hurt, or the wounds I might be causing by showing up now. I have to make it right and square.


MarKhan | Legendary Invincible!
 
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If you bend your mind towards the challenge, the skill will follow in your hands
Glad to hear you are still alive.


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Glad to hear you are still alive.

I earnestly don't know how to respond to that. But I do know that I can't actually really put into words how much it means to see or recognize some names here, even after all this time. As I've told some others. I've lost a lot of people. That there's names here, that there's people here that are alive and (relatively well). It's just...really, really damn nice. I'm trying to recall your name, but I can't bring anything up. I just don't recognize it. I'm sorry in that instance. But thank you for that.


MarKhan | Legendary Invincible!
 
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If you bend your mind towards the challenge, the skill will follow in your hands
Glad to hear you are still alive.

I earnestly don't know how to respond to that. But I do know that I can't actually really put into words how much it means to see or recognize some names here, even after all this time. As I've told some others. I've lost a lot of people. That there's names here, that there's people here that are alive and (relatively well). It's just...really, really damn nice. I'm trying to recall your name, but I can't bring anything up. I just don't recognize it. I'm sorry in that instance. But thank you for that.
Nothing to apologize for, I'm not from any Bungie communities and I joined only in 2017.


E | Ascended Posting Frenzy
 
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Glad to hear you are still alive.

I earnestly don't know how to respond to that. But I do know that I can't actually really put into words how much it means to see or recognize some names here, even after all this time. As I've told some others. I've lost a lot of people. That there's names here, that there's people here that are alive and (relatively well). It's just...really, really damn nice. I'm trying to recall your name, but I can't bring anything up. I just don't recognize it. I'm sorry in that instance. But thank you for that.
Nothing to apologize for, I'm not from any Bungie communities and I joined only in 2017.

Would that have been before or after I left? I was talking to somebody else, and they said I'd been gone for five years. I didn't know how long I'd been gone for, actually. I never kept track of the time. I guess if I take a look at my old profile I'll get an idea.


MarKhan | Legendary Invincible!
 
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If you bend your mind towards the challenge, the skill will follow in your hands
Glad to hear you are still alive.

I earnestly don't know how to respond to that. But I do know that I can't actually really put into words how much it means to see or recognize some names here, even after all this time. As I've told some others. I've lost a lot of people. That there's names here, that there's people here that are alive and (relatively well). It's just...really, really damn nice. I'm trying to recall your name, but I can't bring anything up. I just don't recognize it. I'm sorry in that instance. But thank you for that.
Nothing to apologize for, I'm not from any Bungie communities and I joined only in 2017.

Would that have been before or after I left? I was talking to somebody else, and they said I'd been gone for five years. I didn't know how long I'd been gone for, actually. I never kept track of the time. I guess if I take a look at my old profile I'll get an idea.
After you left. You have left in April, I came in July.


 
True Turquoise
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fuck you
Interesting way to leave, I’ll say


E | Ascended Posting Frenzy
 
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Interesting way to leave, I’ll say

Poor way to leave. Could've done it better. Could've just walked off. But I admittedly didn't have the strength to, since the internet, and by extension here, became sort of a dependant crutch to me. But it caught me in depressive spirals, since all the shit I kept inside tried to bleed out from time to time.

Quiet was the one that had the cancer. And he had a warped sense of humor worse than mine. He suggested that we swap stories. I'd "die," take my bow out, and then have a reason strong enough to disconnect myself entirely, get out and about and fix myself. I didn't particularily agree at the time even if I was collapsing mentally. But I could see the reasoning behind it. The delay in death from cancer would also give me time to say my goodbyes and work the nerve up to pull that plug.

I wouldn't come back to make an alt account if I blocked all my pathways and dropped myself into a moral bind. As far as personal irl friends went, Quiet knew the depth of how fucked I was inside. He spent the last of his lifespan trying to cover my sorry ass and to try and get me some fucking help.

Not a good way to do it, but it worked, I guess. If I had no other options, would've done it again. I'd owe Verbatim an apology though. "I" talked to him a fair bit before being deceased. Fact was, Quiet had my account logins. Did all the writing for me. He needed some company too. I wasn't there all the time for him since I was trying to help cover his medical expenses. No Tru, not good, nor interesting.

Even if it might've been neccessary. Biggest mistake I made in my life on the morals department. I probably fucked a lot of people up badly.


 
Ender
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"I probably fucked a lot of people up"  is probably the only real thing you've said


E | Ascended Posting Frenzy
 
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"I probably fucked a lot of people up"  is probably the only real thing you've said

Only major lie I've ever told in my life was the one I told here. The state I was in, even then it wasn't justifiable. You don't have to believe anything that I say. But when I say that I was fucked up inside, I mean it. And with all of my tendencies being what they were, that I'm solitary, or that I had miles of armour on me that didn't want to let people in, and that I had all of these mental cycles that I was trapped in. I had to fix it. So I left absolutely everything and I started from zero because in that state that was the only way out that I could see other than trying to kill myself again.

Doesn't make it right, and I'll likely pay for that as long as I'm alive. Apologies can't undo the damage done. I'll be the one that'll have to carry that. Any of you here can and will go about your lives regardless of whether or not I'm in the picture. The only difference now is that all the cards are on the table and out in the open.

All I can ask you is a question. Would you rather live in ignorance to something, or know the truth in its entirety, no matter what it was?


Spagelo | Respected Posting Spree
 
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Who was the fool that threw the basket in the pool?
can i use you as an example to cite in a study on psychiatric disorders? i could probably fill a few papers with you


 
Ender
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"I probably fucked a lot of people up"  is probably the only real thing you've said

Only major lie I've ever told in my life was the one I told here. The state I was in, even then it wasn't justifiable. You don't have to believe anything that I say. But when I say that I was fucked up inside, I mean it. And with all of my tendencies being what they were, that I'm solitary, or that I had miles of armour on me that didn't want to let people in, and that I had all of these mental cycles that I was trapped in. I had to fix it. So I left absolutely everything and I started from zero because in that state that was the only way out that I could see other than trying to kill myself again.

Doesn't make it right, and I'll likely pay for that as long as I'm alive. Apologies can't undo the damage done. I'll be the one that'll have to carry that. Any of you here can and will go about your lives regardless of whether or not I'm in the picture. The only difference now is that all the cards are on the table and out in the open.

All I can ask you is a question. Would you rather live in ignorance to something, or know the truth in its entirety, no matter what it was?

It should go without saying, but I definitely wouldn't have wanted the other option to be your actual death. Of course in glad you're actually alive, and I do prefer knowing.

But I don't know if I can just make myself happy enough about it to overshadow the three years of grief, and the upset of learning it's for nothing


E | Ascended Posting Frenzy
 
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"I probably fucked a lot of people up"  is probably the only real thing you've said

Only major lie I've ever told in my life was the one I told here. The state I was in, even then it wasn't justifiable. You don't have to believe anything that I say. But when I say that I was fucked up inside, I mean it. And with all of my tendencies being what they were, that I'm solitary, or that I had miles of armour on me that didn't want to let people in, and that I had all of these mental cycles that I was trapped in. I had to fix it. So I left absolutely everything and I started from zero because in that state that was the only way out that I could see other than trying to kill myself again.

Doesn't make it right, and I'll likely pay for that as long as I'm alive. Apologies can't undo the damage done. I'll be the one that'll have to carry that. Any of you here can and will go about your lives regardless of whether or not I'm in the picture. The only difference now is that all the cards are on the table and out in the open.

All I can ask you is a question. Would you rather live in ignorance to something, or know the truth in its entirety, no matter what it was?

It should go without saying, but I definitely wouldn't have wanted the other option to be your actual death. Of course in glad you're actually alive, and I do prefer knowing.

But I don't know if I can just make myself happy enough about it to overshadow the three years of grief, and the upset of learning it's for nothing

Don't go there. It wasn't three years of nothing. What you felt was valid and real in it's own way. When I get back, I'll tell you why it's not for nothing.


Spagelo | Respected Posting Spree
 
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Who was the fool that threw the basket in the pool?
when are you gonna tell us about your part in the moon landing


 
Ender
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when are you gonna tell us about your part in the moon landing
Listen, I'm not happy about this either, but this ain't right


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Who was the fool that threw the basket in the pool?
when are you gonna tell us about your part in the moon landing
Listen, I'm not happy about this either, but this ain't right
alright, alright - i'll lay off

was only a joke, but i suppose too soon


 
Verbatim
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oh, good—so you got to see me finish dark souls after all

In all seriousness, like Ender said, despite everything, you being alive is obviously preferable to you being dead, and knowing the truth really is the most important thing to me in the end. In any case, very few people get to know what people will say about them after they die, so congratulations on that. That must've been surreal.

I went ahead and re-examined all of the interactions we've had on this new account of yours, given that they've been thoroughly recontextualized. It was an interesting experience. I've never really had a negative interaction with you as Sandtrap, which I can't really say about almost anyone else here, so I'm happy to say that we've more or less always been on good terms, even under this new identity of yours. A few philosophical disagreements here and there, but if my memory serves correctly, we've never really fought over much.

There were a number of users who called your bluff, and I won't lie and say that I wasn't the least bit skeptical myself, but I chose to give you the benefit of the doubt, because it seemed like the right attitude to have at the time—and I stand by that.

However, simultaneously, I think it's very important for you to understand what you've really done here. People lie, that's whatever. But lying about your own death, I think, is somewhat of a jumping off point for your trustworthiness. It tends to call everything you've ever said to us into question, because if you're willing to lie about something like that, it begs the question as to what you wouldn't lie about. You know what I mean? It's the only logical question I have left to ask.

I don't know how we proceed at this point, but that's how I'm feeling about this little plot twist here at the moment. To reiterate, I'm glad you're okay, because I'm glad when anyone's okay, but I guess I'm still trying to process a lot of this.


 
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This is not the greatest sig in the world, no. This is just a tribute.

Not a good way to do it, but it worked, I guess. If I had no other options, would've done it again. I'd owe Verbatim an apology though. "I" talked to him a fair bit before being deceased. Fact was, Quiet had my account logins. Did all the writing for me. He needed some company too. I wasn't there all the time for him since I was trying to help cover his medical expenses. No Tru, not good, nor interesting.


So wait

Would it mean that a fair bit of my interactions with you was actually with him?


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Lmao wtf


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theaetherone.deviantart.com https://www.instagram.com/aetherone/

Long live NoNolesNeckin.

Ya fuckin' ganderneck.
It's funny. Many of the E posts I've read I've thought to myself, "This sounds like Sandtrap."


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If you bend your mind towards the challenge, the skill will follow in your hands
It's funny. Many of the E posts I've read I've thought to myself, "This sounds like Sandtrap."
You could notice it earlier when E said that he uses Garry Mod for art.


 
SecondClass
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https://discord.gg/XETdAyk

Open invitation to my island
WAIT E IS SANDTRAP WTF?????


I DID MISREAD THIS. Holy fucking shit wtf


E | Ascended Posting Frenzy
 
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can i use you as an example to cite in a study on psychiatric disorders? i could probably fill a few papers with you

You can if you'd like. I can name you my conditions, since I spent some of that time talking to multiple proffessionals and trying to fix things.

C-PTSD
Severe long term depression
Acute trauma or what they'd nickname a "moral wound"
Emotional Numbness/Distancing
Low levels of dissociative disorder

Most of these things are sorted or managed now. But I won't shy away from them. If you're not taking the piss then neither am I. Use me as an example of what not to do when you have a child to take care of.