Thank you for being so reasonable, amicable, and understanding even though it took you four hours to find me. Again, I regret my actions immensely and this experience has been a wake-up call teaching me that you're always accountable for what you say on the Internet. Also, that everyone on this website is a whiny loser who will actually report posts to you guys, but only the posts of people who they don't like.
Many, many worse things have been said on this website, but because they were made by popular users, nothing becomes of them. In the future, you better believe I'm reading up on federal law and reporting ANYTHING that even slightly violates it. My takeaway from this day is that strict adherence to federal law while using the Internet is key, and any deviations from it will be swiftly sought out and punished.
I apologize for wasting your time and I hope you have a stress-free, calm drive back. Also I'm sorry for trying to shake your hand, forgot that we live in an era of fear.