The mods who can read IP addresses will know who I am. However, I'm still posting this on a throwaway.

Basically, I can feel myself getting worse. I'm more angry, and feel more violent. There are moments when I feel incredibly close to lashing out, even against family and friends. I thought occupying myself and having things to do would improve the situation and make me feel like this less. But I feel like I'm getting worse and worse as time goes by.

I'm becoming exceptionally manipulative, as well, pitting my closest friends against each other just for the sport. I feel like getting into arguments with teachers and it's like I'm looking for reasons to be pissed off. I also feel like my friends are noticing me being less agreeable and much more sadistic/cruel in what I say and do.

I'm not entirely sure where to go from here.

I'm not entirely sure where to go from here.

Obviously go talk to a professional.

Quote from: Mad Max on November 05, 2014, 04:18:26 PM

Quote

I'm not entirely sure where to go from here.

Obviously go talk to a professional.

Already have. Several times, to no avail.

Mental health service is bollocks.

Sometimes it takes some work to find the right person. Don't dismiss it yet.

Sometimes it takes some work to find the right person. Don't dismiss it yet.

I can't even get past the assessment session. They don't consider me enough of an immediate danger to myself or others to take me on.

Your probably going through a rebellious phase.

I guarantee you it isn't just a "rebellious phrase". I'm not reacting against some sort of authority.

Quote from: ThrowawayAlt on November 05, 2014, 04:26:31 PM

Quote from: BC1096 on November 05, 2014, 04:25:20 PM

Your probably going through a rebellious phase.

I guarantee you it isn't just a "rebellious phrase". I'm not reacting against some sort of authority.

Ok, I proposed a question

What has been going on in your life recently, we can start there

Nothing, that's just the thing. All of my previous experience would suggest this shouldn't be happening, since there's nothing there to facilitate/allow it to happen. There's no reason I should be feeling like this.

Ok, do you see anything wrong with what your doing

No. I don't connect with the "wrongness" of what I'm doing. I can understand, intellectually, how it might not be beneficial, but I don't "feel" that.

So you feel no remorse for hurting friends and family?

No, I don't.

Quote from: ThrowawayAlt on November 05, 2014, 04:40:27 PM

Quote from: BC1096 on November 05, 2014, 04:39:46 PM

So you feel no remorse for hurting friends and family?

No, I don't.

Do you feel as if you are emotionally numb

Not necessarily. I only really feel things about me, if that makes sense. I can feel happy for my successes, and angry by insults so I'm not emotionally void. I am, however, certainly less emotional when it comes to other people, and in comparison with other people's general range of emotional awareness.

Quote from: BC1096 on November 05, 2014, 04:41:03 PM

Quote from: ThrowawayAlt on November 05, 2014, 04:40:27 PM

Quote from: BC1096 on November 05, 2014, 04:39:46 PM

So you feel no remorse for hurting friends and family?

No, I don't.

Do you feel as if you are emotionally numb

Not necessarily. I only really feel things about me, if that makes sense. I can feel happy for my successes, and angry by insults so I'm not emotionally void. I am, however, certainly less emotional when it comes to other people, and in comparison with other people's general range of emotional awareness.

Let me explore this.

So, let's say you made your mother cry.

Would you feel any hint of remorse for doing that, or do you feel nothing.

Not talking logically, im asking what you genuinely feel

So, let's say you made your mother cry.

Would you feel any hint of remorse for doing that, or do you feel nothing.

Well, I've done that so I can answer honestly. No, I don't feel remorse. It just doesn't register with me emotionally.

Quote from: BC1096 on November 05, 2014, 04:45:24 PM

So, let's say you made your mother cry.

Would you feel any hint of remorse for doing that, or do you feel nothing.

Well, I've done that so I can answer honestly. No, I don't feel remorse. It just doesn't register with me emotionally.

So you have a disconnect in empathy for others.

Maybe you aren't able to make a connection, but things like this don't spawn out of the blue. There is always a trigger for these kinds of feelings.

Normally, people would feel terrible for ever making their mother cry. It doesn't matter how tough you are, it's a human response. Sure, it doesn't apply to everyone. And those that it doesn't apply to, feel that way because something happened, that caused them to have that disconnect and feel what you feel