An Apology

I spend a lot of time contemplating many things. It's one of my favorite ways to pass the time, because it amazes me how I can learn so much, not only about life and reality, but about myself, solely through a process of pure rumination. It's kinda like creating something out of nothing, which makes me feel in control--another one of my favorite things.

And then there's the epiphanies. The moment when a great burgeoning thought breaks through the cracks of my mind, and when fully unearthed, reveals a thoroughly enlightening truth about whatever it is I've been contemplating. My entire perspective on any issue can flip upside down, or become permanently solidified upon achieving this experience.

Today, I had something of an epiphany. Not exactly a true epiphany, but something of the sort. What I mean by that is that I already knew what was being fully realized. I was fully, consciously aware of it. I embraced it, even. People let me know about it every single day of my life. How could I not be well aware of it? I am, to make an understatement, an asshole on the Internet. This is something I've admitted and it's something that I've held with impunity for a good five years on this website.

So, what did I end up learning, if I already know I'm an asshole? If I've always been an asshole?

I mean, it really is simple, and I have no idea why I'm choosing to drag this out for so long. Dramatic effect? Sure. I can see why a couple people would find this to be a bigger deal than it is. The simple truth is this: Never before until just recently, and especially last night, have I realized not only the true extent to which how much of an asshole I am (though, truthfully, I maintain that there are far worse users than myself on this website), I must also concede that I have not fully realized the implications of that.

Before, you could call me an asshole and I would shrug it right off. Not only did it do nothing to deter my antics--it made me even "stronger", for lack of a better word. Now, with the last... three or four threads that I have made, what with all the abuse of my own (and others') physical appearance, and my choice of major study in college, I've begun to consider truly who I am and who I choose to be with regards to my Internet persona.

Before, it was a bragging right. On b.old, I could start a full-fledged hot topic two hundred reply flame war with a single sentence, and I viewed that as a sort of "power" that I had and abused frequently for my entertainment. Nowadays, things are harder. People are harder to "troll" (though, if you know anything about me, you know that I don't "troll" in the classic sense of the word). I up the ante a little bit. I increase the volume of venom and anger in my posts, sacrificing eloquence and coherence of my statements, obfuscating my true intentions with a cloud of malice.

Many of you have taken notice to this, with my trademark insult being "kill yourself" (which is actually not an insult; it's an inflammatory imperative, but whatever). Naturally, such an insult is veritably childish and puerile. The kind of thing you'd hear from a twelve-year-old an Xbox Live when you get done slaying him for the twenty-seventh time, or whatever.

But that's not really the point. The point isn't my choice of words when it comes to flaming people--the point is why I have to flame people at all. If you told me I didn't have to insult people all the time, you'd be absolutely correct. It's rude, unnecessary, mean, creates a bad atmosphere, and I don't really even have a right to do it without any just cause. So why do I do it? That's another easy one: Because it entertains me. It makes me feel good inside to know that I was able to put someone down over the Internet. Even the illusion makes me feel good, if, in all reality, I did not manage to affect my opposition on any emotional level--because at the end of the day, the person on the other end of the screen now knows the true extent to which I dislike them, and that is all the justification I needed to insult another person. I like letting people know if I like or dislike them--doesn't matter if they care or not. I'm just imposing like that.

But now, I've suddenly realized just how wrong that is. How bad that is. How really threatening it could be to my livelihood, as well--I just know there might be one or two extremely vindictive people out there who are willing to ruin my life with the things I've said here, and the things I've posted here. There's a slim chance of that happening, but just knowing the reaction I get whenever I make a thread--people calling me autistic, ugly--it doesn't matter what I say. I've pissed off this community so much, and I've become SUCH a pariah, that I could find the cure for cancer and there would STILL be a few of you who would try to drag my name through the mud some more. And this community has known me for over five years.

Knowing that I've created that kind of a dent on this community makes me feel ashamed, and afraid. Ashamed, because this far extends beyond this website--there isn't one, not a single goddamn forum on the Internet that I've become a member of that I was not eventually permanently banned from because of my vituperative behavior. I am absolutely incompatible with virtually every single community I can ever imagine, because I just hate everything. I have so few interests, and such a weird worldview, and that makes it so difficult to relate with other human beings, to talk with them, respect them, what have you. It's a hugely fatal flaw in my personality, and it's ingrained. I can't change it. I've tried to change it--I've tried to "like" things, but I just don't. I can't develop interests. And it pisses me off when I see people who are happy, enjoying these things that I hate so much. Sex, drugs, friends, games, life. It's just not for me. And I hate being in a place where everyone likes those things.

I'm not gonna kill myself, though. I'm gonna keep trying to--well, I'm gonna start to better myself. But it's gonna have to be a step by step process. I want to begin here--for I've started no more shit in my life than I've started shit here. This is something I know I have to do.

So, to the Bungie.net community as a whole, I'd like to apologize for my behavior for the past five years. I've received over sixty-five bans in my time, so I'm able to recognize that this apology is a little late, but for what it's worth right now, I'm sorry. For all the good I feel that I've contributed in the past, no amount of intelligent posting can really make up for the staggering levels of hatred and anger that I've wreaked in this community since I began posting.

This is difficult for me, so I've decided to name a few names and apologize personally to a select few people--the ones I can name off the top of my head.

To CamCamm, I apologize for continually letting you down. I feel like whenever we talk, I give you all these false impressions of a person who can change for the better spontaneously, and that I'm truly capable of rational, civilized discourse, but then I ruin those expectations whenever I wish violent acts upon the people I despise.

To Otthild, I'm sorry in general for being so mean to you. I know you're not exactly the type of person to care, but that's not the point. I've ridiculed your physical appearance hypocritically, which I hold deep regrets for, and I just want you to know that I don't actually hold anything personal between us.

To the forum ninjas, especially Recon Number 54: Sorry for being such a whiny little shit. One of my more embarrassing tendencies was to bitch about how corrupt you guys are, but as soon as someone antagonizes me, I came crying to you. I appreciate the time you take to help clean up the forums, even if you haven't exactly been doing so as of late.

To the TFS community, we had a bit of history in the past that still lingers a bit to this day, especially with your members, Capiton Render, Hipi, and even Felicia. I'm sorry for being an insufferable child. I actually think many of you are intelligent, level-headed users, particularly Felicia, and I regret that my stay in your community could not have been more amicable on my behalf. I feel like if I had a better self-control, I could have gotten along with you all quite well.

To DTL and the BE community, I don't wanna repeat myself too much, but again, I apologize for my lack of self-control and incendiary posts. This was one of my more recent permabans, so the precise circumstances are a little fuzzy to me (when you get permabanned in seventeen different forums, they all start to coalesce a little bit), but it's safe to say that I was just too much of a piece of shit to be in that community, and I regret that it ended the way it did. I rescind all unjust negative statements I've made towards DTL and I wish to end all animosity between us.

I also want to apologize to Cheat, challengerX, Uncle Putin, Camnator, Secondclass, Noelle, Vien, and all of my detractors who go out of their way to troll me or piss me off at any opportunity, because evidently, whatever I did to piss you off was enough to do so, and I just want to end the hatred. I don't want to hate so much anymore.

I don't know if this thread is going to change anything.
I don't know if this thread is just going to make everything worse for me.
This is the scariest thread I've ever posted in the mains, and I think the reasons are obvious.

I want to be accepted into this community.
I want to start over.

I don't know what else to say.
I'm sorry.