You're an inspiration dude! I could possibly go through the same thing one day!

Hmm. Not really. I cheesed it. I packed my shit and left in the city when they were going to offload the first batch into me. Pretty shitty if you ask me. I'm still going through with it. But I'm taking the weaker stuff. I'm a bad example if you want going through with it. But, I hope that you don't have to. Don't even think about it in fact. Keep in high spirits though. With luck, you won' have to go through with anything bad.

I'm going to do something different here. This thread was, and is still here. Made for a reason. So, Bacon, you ask for advice. Asked me, for a something. That's hard to give. Honestly, I don't think I'm the best at advice. Because my lifestyle is alien to you. It's foreign, and far out there. I can only give advice for things that we share familiarity with. So here goes.

In general, I end up thinking dark thoughts and stuff which I realise probably isn't healthy. But I've come to realise that if my family was killed, I wouldn't care. I would be able to take someone's life if it was necessary and that everything dies, so there's no point trying to fight it. But recently these kinds of thoughts are becoming more and more common, until a couple of days ago I accidentally cut my finger on a knife while making a sandwich. Nothing major, just essentially a paper cut but I realised just how sharp the knife was and realised how easy it would be to slit someone's throat with it. Which I recognise is not a healthy mindset, when walking into a room, you're immediately analysing why you could use as a makeshift weapon or what you would do if you were forced to defend yourself. [Yeah. Yeah. Le epic crawling and all that. I know this sounds as fedora as all holy hell.

Now, this is sketchy. Human brain is a tricky thing. But, I can tell you one thing. Every once in a while, I get like that. I'll look at somebody, and realize, that I could push them. Off some scaffolding or whatever. Their back is turned. If I took the sledgehammer in my hands, I could do a lot of damage.

Naturally, I shut that out fast. But I don't think it's neccessarily intrinsically bad. Maybe it's just the manifestaion of a bored mind. Same with self defense. In fact, when I end up in a new area, that's all I think about. Because I don't trust folks either. And you never know what can happen. And truly, you can NEVER, know what can happen.

The other thing that constantly occupies my mind more permanently is my resentment of other people, being around other people and the fact that I do not trust anyone. I can name five people I trust outright- two of them friends since as long as I can remember, one because he doesn't really care but he listens to what I say and the other two are people I know from the Internet. And only one of them I have ever trusted with this kind of thing- I was very tempted to make an alt for this but decided not to bother. But I basically have an inherent distrust. I can't accept good things happening, or people wanting to be a friend because I imagine people like I am- and I become friends with most people because it will benefit me later on. Because I can gain an advantage from them, so I view people as doing the same to me, hence why I cannot trust many people. I should also note at this point that I do not trust any of my family with details regarding my personal life. I have little respect for my father, I like my mother but she massively overreacts and I don't know anyone else well enough to trust with stuff, which I believe is why I need to make this thread on the Internet, where I am ultinately just some dude on a keyboard. The anonymity of the Internet means I find it easier to trust with my own stuff than other IRL people. When forced to be in large groups, I become anxious and disoriented as there is too much going on and too many sounds and it ends up overwhelming, and I need to sit down in a quiet empty place to recuperate.

Right. This is me incarnate. I don't trust folks. Bad childhood. You're an introvert. Only good around very small numbers of people, and your friends are close. Trust is hard earned, and even then, you never place it completely.

I guess that leads on to writing. Although I enjoy world building, I know that I'll likely never make it as a writer because I'm shit. But for me, it was never about a job or anything. It was simply about creating something to actually work for. Because I am just bored. Of everything. If life in general. To me, it's just a routine. School, eat. Sleep repeat. Nothing interesting is happening. So I make things up. I create this fantasy world where I can tie in my knowledge of real science (This was the only reason I picked A Level physics btw) to something I create. I can-for four or five hours between school and sleep- just immerse myself in this works and forget how shit and boring the real world is. It's the same reason why I poured over 1,000 hours into Skyrim in a few weeks, or why I have 100% completion of both 'new' Fallout games, read every codex entry in Mass Effect and read the books on Halo and joined a website just for talking about the story. It's why I play video games, read books, watch films and TV. Because my world view is that everything you do is just procrastinating until your body gives up and dies. Only thing is that a couple hundred years ago, you could find a side quest fairly easily by wandering out into the wilderness, putting up a fence and building your own house and growing crops. Now it's just spending hours on a job so you can buy basic food and a house so you can do your job and everything you care about eventually is kicked out of the back door and forgotten. It's the reason I don't do any schoolwork at home; I need something to do like writing or I lose motivation for everything. I lose motivation and I just stop and life just becomes a pointless maze that you can't actually escape, and that's when I begin wondering what the point of bothering is anyway, when you can't trust the government or banks to actually make sure what little you have is worth something. I'm just stuck in this endless train of thought as I go from one thought to another. Especially when I constantly add that I likely cannot get into anything I want to do; physics? I'm bad at maths (Teachers keep me on the course because I'm interested. That's it) and writing/ indie games are a slim chance at best, with landing a job at the likes of 343i even lower. I just.. Don't know what to do and I feel that I genuinely need some advice.

And this. This is big.



So, let's get down to the big thing here. You're an introvert. You're relatively young. And you're stressed. You keep everything in. And you don't want to expose any part of you. You are with no doubt, a picture of me a few years ago. Almost a perfect copy. So, here's what I can tell you.

For starters, I'm writing this here, because I want to be honest. If I can talk about myself to you, I can talk about myself to other folks. And second, if you're a fitting picture of me, which you are, then this should be said out front. So, here we go amigo. This is what I see.

You're quiet. Don't trust people. Don't even trust family. That comes from being hurt. A LOT. That's heavy damage. You view coming out as a weakness. Because the world showed you that you don't mean anything to it. Why should it care about you? That's a good question. And a hard mindset to break. The world doesn't care in the first place because it can't. It's the people. And you've met the shit end of the stick when it comes to people.

And believe me, that's a big fucking stick. BIG FUCKING STICK.

When you close up like that, your thoughts tend to go dark. Mood swings. And, over time, that can lead to the onset of serious depression. Because they happen more and more until you wake up one day and suddenly it's like that all the time. Your family issues, and your past are your own. All I can say to you about your past is this.

Don't hang on to it. Because it's over. It's done. And there are days ahead. Days that you can make better. And I know that sounds like bullshit. Take it from me. It's not.

Now, we come to the big thing. Your present, and your future. This is the tricky one. Because you've been raised in society. Taught from day one, that society is a good thing. And in order to get it's perks, you have to work in it.

But they never tell you how. They run you through an outdated schooling system, and then toss you out into the world with other people who are miserable, who know, and knew just as much as you when they got tossed into the shark pit.

The key here, is a hobby. Not a job. Keep in mind I don't say work. These three things are different.

Work, is the daily struggle of life. A hobby, is something you enjoy. That you love doing. And, if you're lucky, you can make a profit off of it. And a job. A job is a task. You work it, make money, and buy your nice shit from it. But it has no intrinsic fun to it whatsoever. If you have fun at your job, then it's not a job. It's either a hobby, or work.

Because work can be hard. But it can be fun too. And a hobby, well, that's fun all the time.

So, you've been given the middle finger and tossed out there. I can tell you something you have that I didn't. You have a hobby. So, I'm going to talk to you about the best chance you have. Your hobby.

Obviously, you're a thinker. To put what you put down in your works, you need to know things on some basic level. And you do. That means you've got some level of solid intelligence right there.

And second. You call yourself "not a writer." Or you label it as shit. Here's the thing amigo. You are a writer. Know why? Because you wrote that up above. Writing, is not a title. It is not a mantle. It's a label, given by society. And here's the facts.

Every single human being is a writer. Writing brings something good to all of us when we do it. The only difference that a "writer" has, is the fact that they are more attuned to themselves. But at your core, you are a writer. And you're more attuned than most when starting out.

So, let's talk about what writers need. Or, more importantly, what you should do.

Writers need fuel Bacon. Events in life, inspirations, real life happens, news, events on their end, you name it. And the mind of a writer will feed off that. Create stories and new things based off those events. And you have several options when entering new events. You could write about what you see plain and simple in real life. Or you could rip that scenario out and put it in a story. You could take singular events and scatter them into multiple stories.

The point I'm trying to make, is that you need to see new things. Because you're young. Just like me. And when you see something new that surprises you, it'll boost you.

You're in this state partially because what you have now is the only life you know. It's the only life that was taught. But the fact is, there are new things around every corner. No lie. You can find the most amazing shit, out of the way and in quiet corners you never expected. Corners you missed.

Now, this is a fuck of stuff to talk about. And a lot to think about as well. But I tell you what. Let's talk. In little bits and pieces. We work on things one at a time. You've got a hobby right there. That hobby can spin your world upside down. It can rip everything in your life apart and change it for the better. So let's start there.

Now, if you're at the end of this, then I'll explain to you why I said all this here.

The internet is a net. Physical barriers are absent. Nothing can hurt you here. And, the more you open up here, the better. Because as you open up a bit here, you'll be free with your thoughts. And being free with your thoughts, frees you.

As a writer, letting what comes slip out into words, no matter what they are, whether it be from your life, or your stories, is important. So that's why I made this here.

Because I am a writer. And you are too. You have intelligence backing you up. And you put self doubt in yourself because there's conflictions in your past, and your present, about what you should do with your life.

And the simple fact is, society doesn't want you to do anything. Get a job and work is fine by it. If you're not happy, it doesn't care. And that's what it wants. But you, Bacon, you, are a writer. You can take that and fuck things up. You can fuck up those gears so bad.

So. When you're done with this, let's talk. And let's see what we can do from here.

You know what? I'm tired. But I'm home. Home made coffee friends!

Like, seriously. God damn. Anywho, bit of news. Will keep it short. Tired.

I'm back home now. Can't fucking stand the city. No fucking chance in hell am I going to stay there. So, here's the deal. I'm taking what my clinic has access too. Maybe more potential for long term damage on a longer treatment, and less chances of survival. But, fuck it. I'm happy to be back home. City is a fucking toxic dump to me.

In concousion.


I'm fucking happy to be here. And I'm not going anywhere. Here to stay now. For better or worse. And I'm going to sleep. Ask what you want, and I'll answer it later.

Okay, fuck it. I made this. I can't be arsed to explain things. I'm tired as shit. Don't like repeating myself. Yeah, I know it's long as shit. Skip to six minutes in if you want to get to business here. This basically covers anything you want to ask me. Knock yourselves out amigos.

http://vocaroo.com/i/s0mAypDAHuBu

Going to sleep now. Tootles.

Edit:

Keep this shit under wraps please. A friend of mine told me my shit got leaked over on Bungle. While I suppose yeah, I included stuff there for Bungle folks, I don't want anything made for me. We keep things simple right? Nice and quiet.

General rule of mine is to just enjoy whatever holidays there are and make them family days, all of them.

Quote from: True Turquoise on December 03, 2014, 10:54:14 PM

I'm disappointed in the fact that you can't see her panties.

If you ever lose the will to live, watch the food channel, and just remember that you haven't tried all that delicious looking food yet. You must live on for the food! Food makes me happy.

I'll take it into consideration Chalk. Even though I don't have a TV. I'll think about food. But I guess, I've got a better memory than you. Remember when you got all mopey about your monitor position?

Well, now's your shot bud.

What in the hell....

Of course it's cancer. Shit.

Fuck cancer. I ain't no smoker. Don't you worry admirals.

Gonna miss you man.

I'll make sure to stop buy when I can. I'll be shipping out to a city after all. A stop to a nice little coffee shop lie my own might allow me to say howdy. Then again, maybe not. Cold and flu season. Folks in the cities don't take care. Chemo and a cold don't bode well. I'll give it a shot when I can though.

I'm going to miss you Sandtrap. You were one of the few people on here that I trusted and I have a lot of respect for you. You offered me good advice when I asked for it and you were a saint overall to everyone.

I've got one last piece of advice for you about money. You remember the 50/50 rule? Take everything you make and split it in half? Put a limit it on it.

Right now, I have no money in my spending jar. But I have 1000 sitting in an evnelope that I don't touch. I made a new rule today. When that envelope reaches 1000 dollars, I empty it. I take 500, and put it in a safe. Then I take the other 500, and put that back in my jar.

Because the spending jar goes out like the snap of a finger. So, every now and then, I'll get boosts when I need them. And still find a way to save money over time.

I'm comfortable in -30. At -40 I start to feel it. I always liked cold winters. It's just such a nice feeling. It's pure. All consuming. Like fire. But the opposite.

I would say I'm sorry for your troubles and tell you how much I hope you get better, but that seems kind of redundant now, doesn't it?

This really sucks.

Well, boring old redundant stuff has to end sometime right?

Quote from: Sandtrap on December 03, 2014, 03:52:11 PM

Quote from: BricktopLemön on December 03, 2014, 03:51:15 PM

Quote from: Sandtrap on December 03, 2014, 03:48:57 PM

Quote from: SecondClass on December 03, 2014, 03:48:08 PM

lol

You know it partner. You want to take my spot as monitor? Trust me, it's a blast.

God no. Not Class.

Class for Monitor 2014.

There's nothing I can say without feeling and looking like a piece of shit.

Ha. Gotcha in a twist now don't I? Don't worry about it. I'm sure they'll pick Kinder instead. Maybe CIS scum.

Quote from: Sandtrap on December 03, 2014, 03:48:57 PM

Quote from: SecondClass on December 03, 2014, 03:48:08 PM

lol

You know it partner. You want to take my spot as monitor? Trust me, it's a blast.

God no. Not Class.

Class for Monitor 2014.