You go. You come back. You go. You come back...

Someone's indecisive.

The difference is. Today is just a single road trip. I'll be back tonight.

But here's the thing. Today has the potential to alter my life. This is a step, that I'm taking here with a lot of damn weight behind it. It's a good day. For all intents and purposes, I will show up back here. But, unexpected problems have a way of showing up.

If they do, I'm game. Because today's a good day, plain and simple. And importantly, this day wouldn't be possible if the progress I made on myself this year hadn't taken place. A good chunk of that progress came from here. Talking. Talking with friends. Talking with people in general.

Talking with you even.

I give thanks and appreciate that I didn't do this alone.

Two hours to go gentlemen until I hop in my truck and roll off. Off to where? Hmm. Call it an adventure. New roads. New town. And maybe, a new friend. One last shuffle for the sake of trying.

I can say today is probably the happiest day I've had in a while. And there's a lot of shit in my way folks. My vehicle had some nice jury rigged repairs on my end when it tried to break down on me yesterday, and I went over stuff and got it into tip top shape for today's trip.

Surprisingly, this is a big deal for me. Haven't had a big deal in a while that was good. I second guess myself too much but I am aware that I have keen eyes and this interesting person, far off in another town is worth the trouble of going through to get up and say a simple hello to.

You folks haven't lived up here. The remote nature and distance of everything makes finding folks hard. Especially if you're different like me, which, by now should be a given. So, I've gotta jump.

And I think it'll be fun.

But I am aware that there are so many damn things that could go wrong with this trip, traveling so far, on ice and snow in this cold. And most of all, I am aware, that my chances are decreasing everyday.

I refer of course, to the cocktail of shit that's been blasted into me for a good week and a half now. The wonderful thing doc's call Chemo. I'm not handling it well. My body's a mess, and in conjunction with all the winter effects on people which are harsh here as well, I am, at this point an actual walking corpse.

Day by day I get worse and now I'm on counter drugs to help with some side effects that are manifesting.

So. I feel like I'm a bit of a cliff here. And I am aware, that even if this day turns out well, and goes perfect, I can still lose. I could still stand the chance of giving out under all the strain as of late.

But, that's the way things go sometimes.

I would like to thank all of you folks. Every last one of you no matter who you are. Six or seven months ago when I really started to open up, and made some friends to talk to, I never expected it to lead up to this.

I never expected the challenges of this year and I did my best to fight against what was thrown at me.

But to all you people, whether you be a good friend, a person that I admit openly that I love very much so, or you're a good friend that helped me better define myself and learn who I was.

Whether you were a friend who read my stories and did not do what I expected.

Whether you be a friend I enjoy talking to and with.

Whether you're a friend that I fight for and try to help because I legitimately care.

Whether you're a person I don't know yet, and haven't gotten the chance to know better.

Whether you're a person who's new on the spotlight.

Or you're just an acquaintence and we've only talked a few sparse times.

All of you deserve thanks. You all deserve thanks because it was the culmination of these experiences, moments, fights, friends, laughs, and other things that were shared with me that have allowed me to even live to see this moment.

It's been a rough year. And I'm not afraid to say that without these moments, I wouldn't have pulled through alone. And hopefully, today, I can find somebody interesting like myself on home ground who I can fight for and reach out to.

I always try to hope for the best.

But, I can't turn forwards on the road ahead, without acknowledging the people who were there for me.

So.

TL:DR

To these friends of mine, wherever you are now, I remember you for what you’ve given me. I remember the lessons taught, the experiences shared, and the new windows each and every one of you has given me. You all have my thanks, and now I give it, in light of a debt I will never be able to repay you for.

Smiggles- You were the first. I opened everything up to you.

Floppytub- You brought comfort and sparked pride in me for what I do.

Vien- You brought the knowledge of common ground, knowledge that I was not alone.

Noelle- You opened new windows for me, and taught me to look for the hidden details.

Mr. Admirals- Your love for a favorite universe of mine is boundless, and has always helped me find an anchor.

Gojira- You gave what I sought for so long. Someone to discuss the merits and finer details of my work.

Baconshelf- A fellow writer in arms, a friendly face in the storm, I enjoy your worlds and your stories.

Nuka- You supported me and strengthened my resolve that I was not wrong in my writings.

Kiyo- That fire in your eyes and unexpected friendliness brings a smile to me in my dark days.

And to all of you people who's names I don't mention. I thank you too.

You folks were the reason I've managed to come so far to even be alive to see this or even try. This trip I'm taking today has the potential to be my last. I'm running out of fight to give physically, but by now most of my friends know that my sense of humor and optimism can't be killed without a fight.

So. To all of you. Bungie.Net, Sep7agon, Halo Archive.

I thank you folks for the moments shared, the friend made, and the comforts and experiences given.

So. One last shuffle, and we'll see where things go from here right?

You know it folks. Lets see what new roads lie up on the path shall we?

If I find something new and interesting, I'll show up here in due time with a spring in my step and a fight to move and be happy even if I'm a bit of a walking corpse.

And, if I don't come back from this road trip and something bad does come of it, well, I tried. And it was you folks that allowed me to come this far.

So.

Thank You.

Yours Sincerely, Sandtrap

Let's take a look at things here amigo. You're obviously not feeling good. I don't know why, because I don't know you. I really don't. But this thread was made for a reason.

If it had no reason, you wouldn't have made it, and gone through the effort of typing it up. So. Why'd you type this up? What do all people fundamentally like, even if it's only in very small outputs?

Attention. So, what comes with attention? Focus. "Look at me."

Why?

Why "Look at me?"

Because you're hurt, in pain. And you're alone for it. You mention a divorce. I don't know how old you are but a quick check says you're 28. You say you've got a childish attachment. I still can't pin it down whether it's a divorce on your end or a divorce involving parents. Either way, neither on of them is nice.

So, either way we look at it, it's something heavily personal on your end. And you're alone to deal with it now so you typed this all up because you want attention to focus on you.

Attention isn't bad. Because what does attention give us?

Attention makes us feel happy. When you receive it it boosts you. Because it's a good feeling to know that somebody out there is aware of you. And even more so, self pity is likely to attract more sympathetic attention.

The bottom line here is, something just exploded on your end and you're aware of reality now.

However, at the same time, you're not. You're aware of your reality. But things are never so clear cut.

So let me tell you right now that talking can help. And it's not hard. Know why? Because you made that post up there. You just unchained something in your system.

If you did it once, you can do it again. So, talk to me.

And you're going to reflect this. You're going to avoid it and pass it off, aren't you? You're going to reflect it back on yourself and you're going to mark yourself out as a person not worth talking to because you've made mistakes.

Well, fight that. Talk to me. Set everything loose and I'll talk back. I'll do more than that. I'll show you things you don't see. It's not ever completely your fault. It never is. And most of all, you can always fix things. There's always a way out.

So. Here's the deal. Any day. Any time. You talk, and if I see it, if I'm here, I'll talk to you. Because you want to talk. You just did. So lets sit down and sort things out.

Because you should know, that yes, there are people out there with worse problems.

But the feeling is the same. The feeling of hurt, and sad, self pity, self loathing, and utter, complete defeat at the hands of something you can't fight or change feels the same from person to person.

So your problem isn't as small as you make it out to be because it affects you the same way my own problems effect me.

You want to sit down and talk with me? Anytime. I'll be here, and you have my attention now.

Do they go by the name of Dire Dragon?

This is appropriate for the holidays.

Thanks Sandy.

Aha! I always wanted to see a fagcicle! Crossing that off the list.

Quote from: Sandtrap on December 13, 2014, 08:49:30 PM

Whoo boy. Finished that story of mine couple minutes ago. 10,200 words and a nice 78 pages. All done and wrapped up. Early christmas present for a friend coming up.

Think I nailed the bugger.

How do you produce your work quickly?
I'm slower than snail-injected depressants.

I wasn't aware that I was quick. Those moments are rare.

But, usually what I do is, I think of the premise of the story, and start writing. As I write, the idea shapes itself and I continue onwards, and I just keep going. I'm so sharp with this that usually, I get the feel of what I want in one shot with minimal editing.

Essentially, when I write, I just let everything flow and I see where it takes me. My speed is usually determined by how healthy my head is at the time, the drive and will to see the story come to life, and what particular mood the story is founded in.

Quote from: Sandtrap on December 16, 2014, 02:14:51 PM

Well. Here's the thing amigo. We're not psychologists. We have Mr. Psych who's versed in those fields. Goji is versed in sound judgement. And I know I can read folks like I can books. I can pick them apart, and the more I learn about them, the faster I can do it.

But we're not proffessionals. So I'll tell you what this place is. It's a community. We're all generally hurting in some way. And when we are, we come here to talk. Maybe, talk about our problems. Maybe, put on our mask and pretend things are okay.

But we're all here because similar folks have a knack for finding one another. We are a community collective. But we can't do much. We're not proffessionals. And we can screw up big time if we ever thought that. The best we can do, is talk to one another.

This place is an outpost. A waypoint if you will.

It's a stopping point along the way. We come here when we need to. And then we return to our lives and move on as best we can.

Did you ever notice, that some members eventually left our numbers? They became rare appearances and eventually, disappeared from sight and mind all together.

They didn't leave because they were bored.

They left because they were ready.

We all have problems. Some are hard to fix. Some will take time to fix. But the best we can do is simply exist as we are now. And, when folks are ready to step up and get back out into the world, they will.

And this place, is a waypoint in time for them. Something they can come back to. It's safety. Security. And fond faces reside here. Friends. This place is a shelter.

Just a port in the storm. And we'd do our best to remain that way. We talk, and interact and help each other in that way. And when we're ready to get back in the ring, up we go.

What if I never leave? Is this place then a shelter, or a prison?

It's a choice actually.

Seriously, it's a forum...

Snip for emergency discussion >_______>

Quote from: Meta Cognition on December 16, 2014, 12:35:59 PM

Quote from: challengerX on December 16, 2014, 03:03:32 AM

Some shitty ass police work I'll tell you.

I still think they could've sniped him.

They didn't do it because it had an extremely low potential success rate.

It's fucked up what happened. They should've mobbed the guy in there. The hostages, I mean. There's always a moment where he's distracted enough.

Mob mentality. The common emotion spreads. Fear. Fear is overpowering for one singular person. But put folks in a room and it's amplified. It would take a person with charisma to overpower that mood and fight. Even more, to get others to fight.

But, police are like that. They don't snipe. They're not trained for it. The center of mass is the way to go. Specialists snipe. But when odds are poor, odds are poor.

They tried. And unfortunately not everybody made it out. But it could have been worse. Always.

Lol. We just put lights on the trees outside our yard.

Well, not all of them had a choice, they were probably forced into the military or their families would have been hurt. They were also following orders of their government, which is what any military does. I dislike any military, and do not really have sympathy for those who go out there and fight a war to "protect their country", because they are protecting something that does not exist. Countries are imaginary.

But homes are not. It's not so much the country as it is the place you call your home. Personally, if some country started rolling up on Canadian shores and pressed into the fields of my province, and threatened the peace and safety of my home? I'd fight. A country is just a wall and a label, a barrier of space between land that is owned by somebody.

But a home is a tangible thing. It is owned, built, and created by someone. And it can be destroyed. And it hurts to see your life, your home under threat.

The Japanese where the offenders. On the offense. Being a soldier is ugly business. I don't agree with a lot of the ways we use soldiers. But I understand that there are people behind the helmets and flak jackets.

I hold sympathy for any Human being that has to experience war. I hold less sympathy for those who sign up for the wrong reasons and go to the fight willingly, because they wanted that. They wanted that and they got it.

But to the reluctant defender? The man protecting his home? The soldier who fights on their homeland, or across the world for the sake of another, like the Canadian and French troops during the Rwanda genocides?

I hold much sympathy.

My shoulder is reserved.

You've got two arms no? Two shoulders.

Long distance stuff is a bitch. It's not impossible. But it's a bitch. The thing I learned, is that if you're going to try your luck with folks, you need to make sure they have a similar line of lifestyle to yours.

For example. I'm a construction laborer, general hand for hire on odd jobs and carpentry work in the area. I don't make huge money, and I don't chase after it. I don't work a job that moves me all over the country.

I'd have trouble in a relationship with somebody like a doctor or somebody university bound because of my simplistic lifestyle.

And, with an on/off relationship as you say over the years, this will only be magnified when she's halfway across the world from you. A relationship with a friend is the best, for me at least. You spend all your time around someone  you call a friend and then eventually either of you realize that you could easily take it up a step because of how close you are.

The prospect of trying that with your friend might seem inviting, but I don't think it would hold together very well over long distance, and only going for it for a month would be pointless at that point if you were only trying for a month.

I'm not saying it won't work. But there doesn't seem to be enough glue holding you guys together.

Heyo amigo. We all make mistakes. These things happen. We try our best but we can't win all the time. And it's not easy to move on either. But don't get hung up on it. What's done is done. Remember what you did, learn from what went wrong, and keep going.

You'll be all the better for it in the future.

I know it's not much consolation. You open up your heart on the line and got hurt. I can't say anything that could fix or repair that. It's a pain that's only yours that stays in your soul. But, you're not alone for it amigo.

If it's any consolation, I stand on the verge of a big day tomorrow. Something could go right. Something could go wrong. It could backfire and destroy me. But it's a chance I take. It's the responsability and possibility I accept that things might not work.

So, sometime eventually, I might be in the same state as you. And anything you say won't fix me.

But I'm listening. I hear you. There'll be better days ahead.