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Messages - Sandtrap
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8791
« on: December 21, 2014, 08:55:50 AM »
I understand your awakening, but I don't understand your pain, because I haven't felt it. I can imagine it vividly, but I will not say that I've felt it accurately. Life is precious, it should be taken advantage of, but it's also art. You don't let your pain stop you from pursuing what you want to do, and neither will I.
I always respected stuff before this. Life in general. But I see the whole picture now. Pain isn't there to stop you. It only stops you because we're simple beings. Nerves and flesh and warning signals to remind us that we can die. Feelings that can be infringed upon because we are self conscious of ourselves.
But pain's a part of it. It's not an abstract, sitting in a corner. It's the very same as everything else. Part of the experience. It's different. But not inherently bad, or evil. Too much of it is unhealthy because it affects our poor dirt bound bodies and minds. But pain has it's shining moments. Like now. So many broken buggered up things in me and I can still stand because I like to stand and move.
You understand that you're gutsy, though, right? Not everyone can take that pain and beauty and square their chin. Something in your genes and upbringing has prepared you for it. The subtle and empathic will understand. The purely curious will come close to understanding if you're eloquent enough and you give them space to reflect. There are all sorts of people who'll care, but there might be more who don't.
Don't know if I'd call it gutsy. Plenty of folks go through worse experiences than me every day. And they can't help it or fix it and yet there they are. I'm just up and about because I like to be up and about. Drop me off in their shoes and I'd be a big mess though. So I ask what takes more guts? Going because you know? Or going because you don't know yet you still step forward anyway? Who knows? All I know is that in the meantime I'm around! And things go up from here. Stuff will go up now and I'll start to recover. Won't be long now.
8792
« on: December 21, 2014, 08:30:46 AM »
I understand your awakening, but I don't understand your pain, because I haven't felt it. I can imagine it vividly, but I will not say that I've felt it accurately. Life is precious, it should be taken advantage of, but it's also art. You don't let your pain stop you from pursuing what you want to do, and neither will I.
I always respected stuff before this. Life in general. But I see the whole picture now. Pain isn't there to stop you. It only stops you because we're simple beings. Nerves and flesh and warning signals to remind us that we can die. Feelings that can be infringed upon because we are self conscious of ourselves. But pain's a part of it. It's not an abstract, sitting in a corner. It's the very same as everything else. Part of the experience. It's different. But not inherently bad, or evil. Too much of it is unhealthy because it affects our poor dirt bound bodies and minds. But pain has it's shining moments. Like now. So many broken buggered up things in me and I can still stand because I like to stand and move.
8793
« on: December 21, 2014, 08:21:22 AM »
Death is death. Nothing more
You're missing the point. Death is death. And a few days ago, I died. Flat lined. I was gone for about a minute before they jumpstarted my heart again.
But I'm not talking about death. I'm talking about what you stand to lose. What you stand to lose while you're here.
as in what time I'd lose being here? Or just in general do the things you want before you run out of time?
Fuckin' hell this is hard. Okay. remember what I said. Boom. An explosion of everything. Everything you've done, felt, saw, feel, everything. Everything you currently feel. Pain, sad, happy, whatever.
Being alive. Being alive and every single experience. You stand to lose everything. I drove up to the hospital on Thursday night I think. And I woke back up after the whole mess of work the docs did on me on late Friday afternoon.
There was no gap in that time for me. It was like I fell alseep and then instantly had that explosion in my face.
jeeze... Well sorry I didn't see it.
Hmm. If only.
8794
« on: December 21, 2014, 08:08:04 AM »
Death is death. Nothing more
You're missing the point. Death is death. And a few days ago, I died. Flat lined. I was gone for about a minute before they jumpstarted my heart again.
But I'm not talking about death. I'm talking about what you stand to lose. What you stand to lose while you're here.
as in what time I'd lose being here? Or just in general do the things you want before you run out of time?
Fuckin' hell this is hard. Okay. remember what I said. Boom. An explosion of everything. Everything you've done, felt, saw, feel, everything. Everything you currently feel. Pain, sad, happy, whatever. Being alive. Being alive and every single experience. You stand to lose everything. I drove up to the hospital on Thursday night I think. And I woke back up after the whole mess of work the docs did on me on late Friday afternoon. There was no gap in that time for me. It was like I fell alseep and then instantly had that explosion in my face.
8795
« on: December 21, 2014, 07:59:47 AM »
Death is death. Nothing more
You're missing the point. Death is death. And a few days ago, I died. Flat lined. I was gone for about a minute before they jumpstarted my heart again. But I'm not talking about death. I'm talking about what you stand to lose. What you stand to lose while you're here.
8796
« on: December 21, 2014, 07:53:31 AM »
Good morning gentlemen. I'd like to discuss something with you all this morning. Because I believe it's important. And I think it's time I talk about what's been happening on my end for the past few days. But not what's been happening. More specifically, what happened.
This will be long. Because my words can never do it justice. But all of you people here. Should read this. Okay. Here we go.
What, to you, is death? Think about that for a bit please.
That's what I'd like to talk to you about right now. The Quiets look at me like I'm otherworldy. Like I shouldn't still be standing. My family. They can't believe it. My doctor. He insists that I rest. But at the same time he's admitted that he's surprised at how I can still stand.
Chemo has, and is destroying my body. My neck is sore and painful because they stuck a needle into my spine. The back of my head is tender and hurts because they cut out a piece of my skull to clean out my head. They put it all back. But it hurts. My heart is broken. I can feel it. Irregular pumps. And most of all. My time is measured. Chemo doesn't destroy tumors. It damages them, puts them into a dormant state or into remission. And most of all. Why am I here now? The doc is watching me. Because of my heart.
This is the point. I can't win. One day, this tumor will go again. Or my heart. It will stop one day because it is damaged and broken.
Do you know what I remember? I remember waking up. My head was on fire. Parts of me were numb. I called the doc. I was worried. Scared. Because I knew what was happening. And I didn't want to lose that. I was scared and yet I moved. And, apparently, I made it into the parking lot of the hospital. Turned off my truck. Stepped out, and lost consciousnes. The doc found me out there.
There was nothing. What I mean by that, is that there was no gap in time. I went down. I fell asleep. And then?
Boom.
An explosion. Everything.
I want you to imagine that. An explosion of everything. Light. Sound. Sight. Feeling. Pain. Surprise. Memories.
The doc says that everything feels new and like deja vu because of the brain damage. And that's fair.That's science. Chemicals and dying cells.
But I saw everything. My words don't do it justice. It was like a light switch.
So that's why I'm standing. That's why I got up to say hello to friends and family. Because I know now. I know how special it is.
I'm in pain. And I realize that my life is still a mess. Still a challenge I may not beat. But I understand.
It's all relative. Pain. It's beautiful. It anchors you to this world and destroys you and eats away at your soul.
But it's part of it. You can't have good, without bad. Light, without dark.
Too much pain, is bad. Because we are simple beings. All of us. We're bound here, to this place, this world among vast stars that we can never touch, will never see, and never truly grasp. And yet, through the scale of it all we're here. We're bound to our bodies in a very real physical world.
But I saw everything. Boom. Snap of a finger. All those feelings, sensations, memories. Mistakes, triumphs, good days, bad days.
And it hurt. In a good way. It hurts now. Typing this. Because nobody knows.
Nobody knows what they stand to lose. And it's not their fault. Because it's perspective. We're simple, earth bound beings of dirt and soil.
So what does this mean? What does this mean for me?
I stand. I move. Because pain is part of it. And I know. I know now that things will go up now. I will start to get better soon. And I know that one day I will die. All of us will.
But in the meantime. I can do my very best. I can try. And I will make mistakes. I have made mistakes.
I'm here now. And I know where I go. I go to my grave. Whether it be from this re-ignited tumor one day, or my heart decides that it's done once and for all. I go to my grave because I've no choice. But, all the
same. I go to my life. I go to my world around me and I will do the best I can because I know how special it all is.
But I see. I see the world. I see life.
And all of it is an experience, for good or bad.
I am glad for what was given and what comes down the road.
And I think, none of you understand. Most, if not all of you ever will. You won't ever see it. But I want you all to remember what I said here.
Thanks for listening.
8797
« on: December 20, 2014, 09:37:18 PM »
Do you like anything? ummmm
i can tell you what i would like
but we don't always get what we want, do we
You're just not trying hard enough! You've gotta work for your dreams.
8798
« on: December 20, 2014, 09:33:35 PM »
>make thread about xboxdotcom
>locked
>make thread about verbatim being trans
>fine
MODBIAS
Yeah but it's dusty boy. He throws temper tantrums. As far as I know you don't because you're not a baby.
8800
« on: December 20, 2014, 09:22:31 PM »
I'll trade places with you. Please. I need to move my ass around but I can't right now.
Trade?
omg pls feel bad for me
Ha! I don't need folks to feel bad. I just feel like moving is all. But I gots nowhere to go.
LOL CRIPPLE HOW'S IT FEEL TO HAVE NO LEGS
holy cow you can't be nice can you?
He is being nice. That's his nice face. Can't ya see?
*cleans glasses*
Oh, NOW I see it 
8801
« on: December 20, 2014, 09:18:44 PM »
I'll trade places with you. Please. I need to move my ass around but I can't right now.
Trade?
omg pls feel bad for me
Ha! I don't need folks to feel bad. I just feel like moving is all. But I gots nowhere to go.
LOL CRIPPLE HOW'S IT FEEL TO HAVE NO LEGS
holy cow you can't be nice can you?
He is being nice. That's his nice face. Can't ya see?
8802
« on: December 20, 2014, 09:05:47 PM »
I'll trade places with you. Please. I need to move my ass around but I can't right now.
Trade?
omg pls feel bad for me
Ha! I don't need folks to feel bad. I just feel like moving is all. But I gots nowhere to go.
LOL CRIPPLE HOW'S IT FEEL TO HAVE NO LEGS
I can still wiggle my toes! And move the legs. Fuckin' doc won't let me out and about though. And, not like I've got shit all to travel to either. But. I need some running around. How's it feel to have no legs? I don't know you tell me! If this is what it feels like having no legs then maybe it ain't so bad.
8803
« on: December 20, 2014, 08:56:28 PM »
I'll trade places with you. Please. I need to move my ass around but I can't right now.
Trade?
omg pls feel bad for me
Ha! I don't need folks to feel bad. I just feel like moving is all. But I gots nowhere to go.
8804
« on: December 20, 2014, 08:54:06 PM »
I'll trade places with you. Please. I need to move my ass around but I can't right now.
Trade?
8805
« on: December 20, 2014, 08:38:42 PM »
 Kick his ass Threepio.
8806
« on: December 20, 2014, 02:51:26 PM »
  Who likes Vampire Squids?
8807
« on: December 20, 2014, 02:37:52 PM »
Fish can taste pretty plain. You think I currently have the stomach to keep it down?
8808
« on: December 20, 2014, 02:29:24 PM »
Ay, bud, what's new?
I'm in the hospital with my good chum of a doctor!
8809
« on: December 20, 2014, 11:25:26 AM »
What kind of loot did you get?
I got my friend a book about roundabouts and a mug of her favourite disney character.
And I myself got a bottle of apple sours and a mug with "I'm a twat" written across the bottom.
I only know what two of those four objects are. 50/50 I'm happy.
8810
« on: December 20, 2014, 11:21:52 AM »
What kind of loot did you get?
8811
« on: December 20, 2014, 08:57:56 AM »
Good morning man. Glad to see you're doing okay.
And just potatoes? Go get some eggs and steak with that
Chemo! Can't do that. I'd puke it up! But. I want potatoes. Ha. Words words words. I'm not doing okay. But I do feel fine! Eggs might be nice though.
Oh right :/
Is orange juice a no go with chemo? Or are most liquids fine?
All juices are a no go! Just water. But that doesn't matter. Everything's damn fine today.
That's good at least
Ha. I don't think you know how good it is. The fact that I can walk about today makes me happy. I can feel my toes on cold ground and weakness in my legs and that's a good thing. But. I've got business with the doc at the moment. I shall see you later in the day. Tootles!
8812
« on: December 20, 2014, 08:54:22 AM »
Good morning man. Glad to see you're doing okay.
And just potatoes? Go get some eggs and steak with that
Chemo! Can't do that. I'd puke it up! But. I want potatoes. Ha. Words words words. I'm not doing okay. But I do feel fine! Eggs might be nice though.
Oh right :/
Is orange juice a no go with chemo? Or are most liquids fine?
All juices are a no go! Just water. But that doesn't matter. Everything's damn fine today.
8813
« on: December 20, 2014, 08:52:55 AM »
>Not even Heroic
I always preferred ascended. Has such a nice ring to it. You just want to say it aloud. Just say it. Listen to that ring.
It's like an unspoken rule that if you're ascended you're cooler. Which I don't want to be cooler. I don't think I deserve the mantle.
Ha! You're tipping a fucking santa hat like it's a solid object. Those things aren't solid they're squishy. What's cooler than tipping a santa hat? I'll tell you. Fucking nothing.
8814
« on: December 20, 2014, 08:50:06 AM »
Good morning man. Glad to see you're doing okay.
And just potatoes? Go get some eggs and steak with that
Chemo! Can't do that. I'd puke it up! But. I want potatoes. Ha. Words words words. I'm not doing okay. But I do feel fine! Eggs might be nice though.
8815
« on: December 20, 2014, 08:47:25 AM »
>Not even Heroic
I always preferred ascended. Has such a nice ring to it. You just want to say it aloud. Just say it. Listen to that ring.
8816
« on: December 20, 2014, 08:38:30 AM »
I'm just going to ramble a bit in here because talking is good. Doc says the more I do shit the more I'll fit back into the regular spin of things.
So. I'm fucking hungry. There's a friend of mine still sleeping in a chair across from me like a lazy bones, and I want some fucking potatoes for breakfast. And I love that fucking sunshine.
8817
« on: December 20, 2014, 08:32:12 AM »
Yes! I fully expected a hangover this morning. So far, nothin.
Gotta watch that alcohol content slick.
8818
« on: December 20, 2014, 08:31:27 AM »
NEW PERSO- Wait...
You could call me new. Actually. No. Everything's new on my end. Actually no. It's just interesting. Regardless, it's a new day!
8819
« on: December 20, 2014, 08:30:09 AM »
Depends on the day. Now my winter break has begun, so you will see me around at random times.
All folks welcome! I just need to refresh myself on stuff. If I remember right, you're not ever up around these parts this early.
Heyo. Gotcha. It is a good morning though right? I know mine is. I'm fucking hungry.
8820
« on: December 20, 2014, 08:27:29 AM »
I guess I am not welcome? Well, the title said "gentlemen"
Morning, Sandtrap.
Hmm. You I remember! The hell you doing up here?
All folks welcome! I just need to refresh myself on stuff. If I remember right, you're not ever up around these parts this early.
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