Couldn't tell you, because I am one of those people who thinks it's worthless.
You're looking at it the wrong way amigo. You've blurred two lines together that shouldn't be blurred. Mind if I ask why you think it's worthless?
Because I'm always one of those people that's forgotten. Friends have a holiday party...don't even think about inviting me. Maybe I shouldn't even call them friends. They're all grown up and doing something with their lives while I'm not. Maybe that's why I get excluded from things. Been struggling to find a job for eight months and keep sane and I can't have a social life either. Staring at job boards hours a day and submitting applications with no response is getting me frustrated. And I have gotten to the point now where nothing is enjoyable. I can't play games, read a book, or enjoy a movie anymore, or laugh.
And there it is. You've made a mistake.
You say the world, life, is a shitty thing. But you've mixed two things together. And I'll explain it to you. You know me by now. I post long shit. I try to condense it. But I can't. So saddle up my friend.
When you say, "I hate life/the world, it's a shitty place," you're fooling yourself. Know why? Because you've forgotten that outside "our world," our human construct and view of things, there's another world.
It's our planet. It's nature, and life, the environment. Life in general. So. Story time. Life isn't fair by any means. But you know what? Life isn't a judge. It doesn't focus on one guy and rule him out as a target. When you get bad luck, it is unbiased.
But you know what does hold biased judgment, point fingers, select targets? People. Our modern day society lives in a bit of an illusion. The world they see, the constructs, values, and things that come with being people? That's the only world they see. They don't see the earth under their feet or the fact that life goes on and grows without us, or weather that disrupts our way of living, disrupts our world because we live on a planet that has weather systems all it's own.
So. What's the point you ask? I'll tell you. Because what could be the point of realizing that there is another world beyond the pre-concieved views of people?
Well, let me tell you.
You might have heard of all the shit I'm going through as of late. Maybe not. But I'll keep it short. Drugs are destroying my body. To knock a tumor in my head into a dormant state. Winter months with no sunshine is having an effect on me. I'm getting weaker every week. And with Chemo these effects are multiplied. My heart's had a really shitty fucking strain and a little while back in the hospital I technically died and they brought me back with defibs.
That's the physical shit ^^^^
How about the mental?
I'm alone. Completely alone. And I'm consciously aware of it. And I'm fighting to change that. In fact, I made a mistake a while back. I latched on to a friend. I latched on to a friend who didn't share the same sentiments as me. It wasn't their fault. It was mine.
So I ripped my heart out. I took that care and that love for them, and I destroyed it. And it killed me. A piece of me is dead and gone in that love. My life? I'm on the verge of pulling it together. But it's so far away. It's at the end of this winter. At the end of next year.
And it's so far away. My family exploded into a feud through Christmas. No christmas for me. No fun, no gifts, no family gathering. Just silence.
And in all of this, I sat alone.
I have two friends in town that stayed here with me for Christmas. But they have to go back home on Sunday.
So. What's the conclusion to this? I'm falling apart. I'm a walking corpse inside and out. And I've got so many problems I'm trying to tackle that whenever I turn my focus on one of them, I get hit in the back by another one. And I only noticed it yesterday, how bad I'm actually doing at dealing with all this.
In fact, I'll wager I'm close to where you are but I'm falling faster. I can't smile anymore. I can't laugh. Mostly everything doesn't excite me and I feel so fucking tired. I'm searching for a friend, maybe something more, and I've tried with so many fucking people and I just can't get it right. And most of all I can't fucking make any progress if none of these mother fuckers talk back to me.
I'm like you. I'm stressed. I'm pissed off. And I'm fucking sad. I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore. I've actually ripped off the mirrors from my walls and I've hidden them. I'm alone and not one mother fucker seems to care. Not one fucking person out there cares as much as I do, or even fucking wants to try and help me as much as I've done for others.
It's killing me. I have to wake up to this, day by fucking day, and I'm fighting so fucking hard to change it and I can't. My cells are dying one by fucking one and my body is degenerating. And even after all this I could still die because you can't kill a tumor with chemo and my heart runs the risk of shutting off at any moment, any day.
But you know what I'm not angry at? You know whats not worthless?
Life. The world.
Remember that. All of your woes that you listed up there have come from people and their constructs. But there's another world out beyond all that. It's life in general.
When my town goes to sleep at night, I walk the roads in complete silence. I see stars. I see snow, falling, winds blowing. Every person in my town is asleep but me and all around me there is life and this world. Plants, animals, weather. And it's beyond people. It's beyond our cities and our towns and our money and our jobs.
And I know this might not help you. It won't. What I say won't turn your life upside down. It won't fix what you need to fix. But do you know what it does for me?
It gives me something to hang on to. The realization that beyond all the misery people inflict, all the bullshit games of cat and mouse and the pressure of a society that only cares about jobs and money and consumption.
Beyond that there is a planet that we walk on every day. A planet we were born on out of a sea of countless other worlds and stars. And out of all of them, I was born here. I walk the soil of it every day. I see it's weather, its life, its moods and its tones. I see the starlight that keeps us warm and alive where if we didn't have it no life would exist on this planet.
So. Like I said. Remember that. Beyond all the bullshit of people, there is a world out there beyond our own and it will always be there. It can be unfair, yes. It can be cruel. But it is not biased. It simply is.
This is the only thing I have left to hang on to.
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