Quote from: Officer Nasty on September 18, 2014, 12:01:14 AM

Y'all are some morbid motherfuckers.

Yes, I would try to help him, because I believe that suicide is taking the easy way out of problems.

So you would force him to the harder path? Who's the dick now.

It's the hard things that shape us. We either go through them, or we fail. Staying alive is the most prefferable thing.

Brown eyes. Had a friend with heterchromia when I was young. One blue, one green.

Climb up there and sit with him. People in such a state are alone, feel powerless, helpless.

I've used all my ties with contractors in the area today. Nothing. I don't know where to look. At least you can walk to another potential job.

For some of you folks, you'll already know what I'm talking about. I'll explain things. I've come to a crossroads in my life. My family is on the verge of collapse because our debts are climbing higher than we can pay them off. I have two choices. I can stay here, and keep helping them, because they sorely need it. But I won't be able to make the money neccessary to pay off all that needs to be paid. Or, I can take a contract with an old company of mine that I worked for. I will be separated from my family, and I'll work on a shitty job as a laborer for five years. But I'll be able to pay off everything.

I don't know what I'm going to choose yet. But In the next few days, I have to do something, because things are critical now. But I'd like to confess something before I go.

A few years back, I went through a heavy depression. In fact, a few more days, and I probably would have been one of those people that are laughed at over the internet for suiciding. But I turned things around. But I never did it for myself. Truth be told, I never really gave a fuck about myself. And it's only through the past few years, that I barely started to do things that made me as a person happy.

But if I take this job, those five years will destroy me. I can't stand being trapped. And that job is the very definition of it. But I'll be doing it not for me, because this is all bigger than I am. As a person, my needs have always come second. But, even if I choose to stay, I can't win.

Because lately, there's been too much for me to handle. In fall, I become naturally depressed until winter rolls in. And because of all this shit, my own depression has started back up. And it's feeding off everything. In a few days, a week even, I've fallen so far down the hole that I can't even stop it.

If I go, I'll break. I know that. And if I stay, I will too. My depression will fucking eat me alive. It already is. But whatever I choose, I'm going to try my fucking hardest to hang on for the sake of my family. I don't know if this is a fight I can win. But I'm going to try.

The point is, if I go, you won't see me for five years. And if I stay, my depression is going to pull me along on strings. I'll close up to the world, and I'll vanish from this site for some time, until I either lose my fight and off myself, or I start climbing back out of it.

So I have this to say to every one of you here. Thank you for the good times you've given over the years. I hope this place stays alive and well over the years. For good or bad, all of you here are a good bunch. You've made my time here enjoyable, given me stories, and new perspectives to look at.

And to all the people who I got to know a little better, you know who you are. I would be proud to call you all friends of mine if you ever showed up on my doorstep. I would give my life for you if need be. And I would help you if I had it in my power.

I have little to say that I haven't said before. So I'm just going to leave off with this.

Make your life better than mine.

Update on things:

I talked with my family last night and this morning about things. They left the choice up to me since it is my life and that they'd stand by me with whatever I picked. But I know them. The amount of times I've been there when things got bad alone this year is something they couldn't work around. They all need me more than any money could provide. We could be broke and on the streets but at the very least we'd still have each other's backs. Better than one of them getting injured or in trouble while I'm out there and they're here alone.

So I'm going to stay. But I know what's coming. This winter isn't going to be easy. And I'd be a fool to think that everything will be fine and dandy. I'm going to try and see if I can find some work in the local area to do what I can. But I'd like my peace and quiet now. If you ever want to talk to me, I will be here. But my head's going to go down into some dark places. I'm going to try my best to keep my head straight but fighting this is like trying to walk up an avalanche.

I'd sincerely like to apologize right now for anything that I might say later on if you speak to me. I grow bitter, resentful, spiteful, and unkind when I fall far enough and my temper comes out. This is not me and it's not who I ever want to emmulate.

Quote from: Sandtrap on September 16, 2014, 06:36:27 PM

I've called up my old construction company, and they'd hire me back up on a job in a flash. There's a school being built, down south in one of the bigger cities. If I packed my shit tonight, I could be there in six hours and in four days I could be working for them. 5 year contract, 16 bucks an hour.

If I stuck with that job, I could pay for everything...

16 bucks an hour is really good.
...maybe you should go for it.

5 years is a long time. Whatever I was doing here and now would be dropped. And once I came back, I don't think I'd be able to pick it up again. I've worked for this company before, and I know how they operate.

For five years, 5 days a week, from 6 in the morning to 7 at night, this would be my life. Wake up. Work. Come home, eat, sleep, repeat.

There's no room for anything personal. I wouldn't even have time to visit this site. My life, for five years, wouldn't exist. In five years, my little niece will be 12. The only contact I'd have with any of my family would be through phone.

Jesus fuck, I just don't know.

Easiest thing to do when fighting is take the defensive. If you didn't throw the first punch, then you're not the offender, and that's where it counts, especially when you're older concerning the law.

Quote from: Sandtrap on September 16, 2014, 02:55:12 PM

Quote from: Elegiac on September 16, 2014, 02:52:08 PM

Quote from: Sandtrap on September 16, 2014, 02:50:01 PM

Quote from: Elegiac on September 16, 2014, 02:46:35 PM

Quote from: Sandtrap on September 16, 2014, 02:21:51 PM

Quote from: Elegiac on September 16, 2014, 02:19:23 PM

I'd stay. But I'd be looking for a third option. I'd be hellbent on a third option. If I was put in your position I'd be scheming my brains out. I'm not going to vote.

I've been looking for a third way to do things for years now. There is no middle ground here.

Hrrrmm. I'll think about it... maybe you should leave, but don't go to a job that breaks you. There must be something less drastic you could do for one or two years that would leave you able to pay for fixing the place up a bit, so that there isn't the worry of maintenance or physical labour being such a strain on whoever's left behind.

Would they be able to hire a replacement for you, at any time?

If what I said is possible, then you'd have the option of leaving again and finding a more reasonable job, or career option, with decent money so that you could help the repayment process along without ruining yourself.

We can't hire anybody because we can't even pay minimum wage. And, nobody in my town stays. Young kids either fuck off to the city because there's not much here, or they inherit their family business like farming and so on. I am a rare person in this town it seems.

What about the other thing I mentioned?

Finding a job around here like that is pretty damn tough. You're either a bigshot who gets payed truckloads, or you're a grunt who goes until you break.

Come on, man, there has to be a middle ground of work, that is hard work, sure, but not harmful to you in a major way, and pays more than you're getting now. Anything must be an improvement over what you currently make, so you wouldn't have to go to an oil rig to improve the situation a little. Fix things up.

Originally, my plan hinged on buying land. If I could get a piece of land, and pay it off for myself, which would be easier and faster to do than the debts, then we'd have a piece of security. As I said, I think the only other thing I can do is send out lines with the contractors. They're the only other source of work I could get in the area. They don't pay a lot either, and it's dependant on how well the summer goes for them.

But as of late the debts have jumped up faster than we can keep them down. I've got to find something I can do in the meantime to pay all this shit off before everything else starts falling apart.

Quote from: Sandtrap on September 16, 2014, 02:50:01 PM

Quote from: Elegiac on September 16, 2014, 02:46:35 PM

Quote from: Sandtrap on September 16, 2014, 02:21:51 PM

Quote from: Elegiac on September 16, 2014, 02:19:23 PM

I'd stay. But I'd be looking for a third option. I'd be hellbent on a third option. If I was put in your position I'd be scheming my brains out. I'm not going to vote.

I've been looking for a third way to do things for years now. There is no middle ground here.

Hrrrmm. I'll think about it... maybe you should leave, but don't go to a job that breaks you. There must be something less drastic you could do for one or two years that would leave you able to pay for fixing the place up a bit, so that there isn't the worry of maintenance or physical labour being such a strain on whoever's left behind.

Would they be able to hire a replacement for you, at any time?

If what I said is possible, then you'd have the option of leaving again and finding a more reasonable job, or career option, with decent money so that you could help the repayment process along without ruining yourself.

We can't hire anybody because we can't even pay minimum wage. And, nobody in my town stays. Young kids either fuck off to the city because there's not much here, or they inherit their family business like farming and so on. I am a rare person in this town it seems.

What about the other thing I mentioned?

Finding a job around here like that is pretty damn tough. You're either a bigshot who gets payed truckloads, or you're a grunt who goes until you break.

Quote from: Sandtrap on September 16, 2014, 02:21:51 PM

Quote from: Elegiac on September 16, 2014, 02:19:23 PM

I'd stay. But I'd be looking for a third option. I'd be hellbent on a third option. If I was put in your position I'd be scheming my brains out. I'm not going to vote.

I've been looking for a third way to do things for years now. There is no middle ground here.

Hrrrmm. I'll think about it... maybe you should leave, but don't go to a job that breaks you. There must be something less drastic you could do for one or two years that would leave you able to pay for fixing the place up a bit, so that there isn't the worry of maintenance or physical labour being such a strain on whoever's left behind.

Would they be able to hire a replacement for you, at any time?

If what I said is possible, then you'd have the option of leaving again and finding a more reasonable job, or career option, with decent money so that you could help the repayment process along without ruining yourself.

We can't hire anybody because we can't even pay minimum wage. And, nobody in my town stays. Young kids either fuck off to the city because there's not much here, or they inherit their family business like farming and so on. I am a rare person in this town it seems.

Please answer my question.

I'm not remembering the plans you speak of. What you see up there is it. I go, or I stay.

The TF2 community can be very, very toxic to certain members of the community. AKA Free 2 Plays.

I also read that you only did 10 years of school?  Have you looked into a diploma or GED? That would be what I would get done first.

GED means nothing up here. Plus, I'd have to pay for all that shit too. Again, more money I don't have.

Where do you live? It sounds like you live out in the suburbs. I personally would stay with what I know because I like familiar faces and areas.  I'd stay and see what I could do by moving out and start making preparations to move away.

Oho, that's funny compatriot. Suburbs is a good one.

Why do you want to pay off the debt so much?

For one thing, if money starts to fail, and we can't make our payments, the bank will seize the restaurant. We'll be homeless and jobless in one shot.

Second, 15 years is a long time. On top of all the other things I'll be spending money on, the sooner we get rid of this debt the better.

You know how much money I make a day for the majority of the year when winter rolls in? 12 bucks a day. The sooner we get rid of the debt, the more room we have to work with financially. This place, at the moment, just barely funds itself. And things have been breaking down. Things that cost thousands of dollars worth of money that we don't have.