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Serious / Re: [Psykana] Hyperbole and a Half - Depression
« on: September 22, 2014, 09:27:59 AM »Yeah I don't get it. Unless it's some sort of mental disease and changes the balance of chemicals and doesn't allow you to feel certain feelings or any at all, seems like a bunch of babies.
Because I've lived through a lot of shit, and I've never felt like that. I just don't understand it.
Then allow me to explain. I could tell you all about my first depression. But I won't. I'm going to tell you about this one, that sits with me, here and now. Some sensible part of me is still knocking around, and I'll do my best to explain things.
Fall is a bad month for me. The lighting, and the weather, the smell, and the way everything looks gets me down. Usually, I'm okay with this until winter rolls in. It's what I call an outside depression. It's environmental, not internal. But lately, I've had one bad thing after another happen. I appreciate life. And I try to remain optomistic. But sometimes, under everything, you struggle to. Challenger, I'm a few steps away from being in the financial shitter. I mean, a month or less and my house and work residence will be seized because debts are climbing faster than we can pay them, and popping up when more things go wrong.
And I'm trying my best. But it's not enough. I'm caught. But that isn't the point here. The point is, I'm going through what I went through several years ago. And despite how familiar I am with this, it's beating me.
Depression, from a logical standpoint, by all means should come from a chemical inbalance in your brain. It has to have a central, physical root. But it doesn't feel like that. It feels like, an outsider, inside of you. Always there, always watching, and always dissecting things, so that it can turn them around on you.
Did you know, that I'm aware that I'm depressed? I can see where I'm going, I can see what's coming, and despite me trying to change or prepare for things, I can't fight it. It's like beating your head against a wall. My emotions are going around me on strings, a vicious cycle now.
You say it seems like "a bunch of babies." I've gone through a horrible life. I've seen my fare share of bad things. And let me tell you, all that is irrelevent to me. You aren't sad over anything. You're sad, because you're sad. That's how it starts out. But as time goes on, you start to turn on yourself.
Right now, I'm angry. I'm angry that despite my best efforts, I can't change things. I'm angry that the only true way out will destroy me. And I'm angry at people. See, I've been through all this before. And right now, I'm trying to fight it. God am I trying. I'm actually reaching out to people, anybody that will listen. I'm so desperate, that despite my introverted nature, I'm reaching out to any that I can.
But it's a mistake. Because when they're not there, I get angry. I ask myself why even bother having all these fucking people around if none of them are even here for me? They don't talk to me, they don't reply to me. I'm just talking to a wall. So I start shutting people out instead.
And it goes around like this, with everything. Everything I do, goes out there, and comes back around at me.
I went for a walk a few nights ago. I almost climbed up the old radio tower that I used to, when I was in deepest. But I decided not to. So I sat, on the edge of my town, on the edge of the last lamp post, and looked out into the dark. I wanted to walk off into it. I just wanted to leave, and see how far I could make it. And now I realize how far I've fallen in a few short weeks.
I'd like to explain something to you, about what happens when you're in the deepest parts of depression. When you're so down, and everything is grey, lacking feeling and point, one thing exists. One last thing exists. Death.
At that point, death is a song. A call. But it's more than that. It's the only thing with colour. It's the last, great mystery. The wonder, and promise of what could potentially lie on the other side, something better, something beyond this grey world and a life of yours that's useless. And if it's not, you still win. You go to sleep, and you never wake up. It's inviting. It embraces you.
And this, left its mark on me. I'm fascinated by death. But I know I have to be extremely careful, because of how vulnerable I am right now.
My point to all this challenger, is that depression does not choose people. Anybody can fall into it. It doesn't matter your position in life, who and what you are, and who and what you've seen. When it arrives, and takes a hold of you and starts feeding off your vices and doubts and insecurities and rage, it doesn't matter if you've "seen some hard shit" or the hardest thing you did this morning was polish your nails. It doesn't matter. Becuase it will destroy you.
I want you to think about this. Right now, as I type this, there is a rational side to me. It's still here. I can smile, I can take joy from things. I even know that I'm depressed. I'm trying to fight this and I thought that I could because I've seen and been through all this before. And right now, right alongside me is that piece of darkness hovering right over my shoulder.
I want to delete this post because it sounds stupid. I'm sitting here, right now, and I know that I'm depressed. And there's nothing I can do. I can smile and laugh all I want, but by the end of the day, I'll have slipped further. Because when you're depressed, you just do. You fall despite everything. You fall, simply because.
And to be honest, I'm terrified. I can see what's coming every step of the way. And I'm fighting my hardest not to let things fall apart. But it's like trying to stand up and walk against an avalanche. I'm fighting to keep everything together and it falls apart, just because it can.
That's what depression is.
