Well, good luck is all I can say. I've had extremely bad luck trying to find somebody and it just ends up leaving me in a depressed mood. After time it goes away, but the risk just outweighs the award and has come to the point where I just don't care about that kind of thing anymore

That's were you need to turn it around. You have one life. Assume for all intents and purposes, that you will never get another shot. That therefore means that every failure on the road you face is both a lesson, and a stepping stone, and most importantly, if you only have one life, than what you go through to reach your destination means everything.

For example. I got sick. Went into a comatose state for a few days. Just about died. Still could, if my infection relapses. But in the hospital, I had time to think about my life, and it lead me here.

Therefore, that failure, that horrid event that I never want to experience again, was neccessary for me to reach this point. If asked if I could take the last half a month back, I wouldn't, because I am a better person for having gone through it and the end result outweighs what I went through.

Hey, good luck and all, but I've been writing for years and am yet to actually have someone read it all. If you do better than me, nice. But don't push too hard because its more than likely no one gives a shit.

My writing is different from yours. I've seen bits and pieces of it. I have a card up my sleeve that you don't. But all the same, that trick up my sleeve is double edged. I could never achieve the level of well known-ness that you could. But then again, I never started writing to be big, or famous. I wrote, and I write, because I can. Because I enjoy it. Because it frees my head of stories that fester and claw to get out in any way that they can.

But I will look at what you have. Send it over, and when I have time, I'll go through it.

Back home now. Getting settled in after saying hello to everybody. But, I'd like to say something. Talk about what happened with me in the hospital. Because a lot did. I need this off of me. I need this, out of my head. So I'll tell all of you, here and now, what I see, what I realize, and what I know I have to do.

First, let's start with why I ended up in the hospital. You could say it was bad luck. Weakened lungs. Puking up food that damaged my throat. You could chalk it up to me not washing my hands at the right time. But the truth is, it was me. It's always been me. At my core, I've always been broken. And I'll tell you why. I work. Some of you know that. Maybe you even know that I push myself. But you don't know why I work. You don't know why I push myself against physical injuries, and debilitating things. And that's why I ended up in the hospital. Because I waited too long. I pushed my body, myself, to the breaking point. I added funds to my personal savings, until I had 10,000 dollars. And then I gave it all away to stabilize my mother and her debts.

Why would anyone do that? Why would I do that? 10,000 dollars, enough to bargain for a piece of land, that I took years to save up for, gone, in an instant. Why would I work so hard, when I needed rest to help fight the sickness in me? I'll tell you why. It's because of my base foundation. My entire reason for living, and my entire life. Years back, when I was depressed, a few days from jumping off my town's radio tower, a thought occurred to me. I realised, that if I jumped, I would be hurting the people who loved me. And then I saw it. I had already hurt them. These people, they loved me. Cared for me. Put their trust in me. And I slipped. I let them down. And so I realised, that if I jumped, I truly would be a bastard, truly selfish, worth nothing. And when I looked at the mountain I would have to climb, I wanted to jump. It would take so much work. And I was lazy and selfish.

But one thought, one alone changed my mind. Do it for them. If not for yourself, then do it for them. Take back every year, every month, every week, day, hour, minute, right down to the last second. Take it all back, and return it to them. Fight for them, and make something better for them, because as people, they were the ones that deserved it. And that's exactly what I did. I pulled myself up, alone, out of my depression. And I did it for them. Not for myself. And that's how it's been ever since. I work so hard, and push myself a little further to the grave each time because I believe I'm a failure. And I will work to make up for the time that I wasted and took from them.

But I realise it now. This needs to change. I need to care about more. I need to care about the one thing I never cared about. And that's me. I need to realise, that I have something to lose. But I also have something to gain. And I need to fight not just for them, but for me. For the days that I can live for, and enjoy.


Second, is related to my friends, who I address here and now. It's related to Smiggles, Floppytub, Noelle, Vien, and now, at the late endgame, Admirals. These five people have helped me define myself a little better over the past six months. Smiggles was the first person I opened up to. Shared with something of mine that I kept a secret. She gave me the power and the guts to leap forward. Floppytub, has read a lot of my stories. He gave me the power and homeliness of familiarity. I became more attuned to what I did and wrote. Began to like what I did. Vien gave me the comfort of knowledge. Knowledge that I wasn't alone out there in my tastes. If I wasn't alone, and there was even one person out there even a fraction like me, then there could be others. Noelle gave me the power of realisation. The realisation of how special every one of our minds is, an appreciation for who and what we are, which is something that we cannot change, no matter how hard we fight it. And Admirals, taught me acceptance. Accepting the affinity for oneself, and letting yourself go, to work and do what you truly love.

So where does this all lead? It leads to the fact that I am alone. I enjoy my quiet, and my solitude. But I don't want to be alone anymore. I want to look into the eyes of another, and see behind them, a mind that is like mine. Most of all, I want somebody to look at me, and accept me for who and what I am, and share it with me, my dreams and my good days, all of it. I want to share the experience. I want a friend. And, in time, maybe someone who is more than that. Smiggles, Floppytub, Vien, Noelle, and Admirals, you have all been the closest friends I've ever had save for Quiet. But that's the problem. I met all of you over the safety of the internet. The internet, a place where any and all could give voice to their thoughts without repurcussion. A place where I could set my mind free, without any insecurities. But that's the problem. All of you, are thousands of miles away from me. You are all great people. But you can't ever substitue for real physical and social interaction. The internet can never do that. And that's what I lack. I need to step out into the world, and look for somebody who I can interact with on a level like all of you.

And now I know I need to turn a bit more of myself away from the internet, and search in the real world around me for somebody. And it will be hard. Because I'm an introvert. I don't travel. And I will live in close proximity to my family, to take care of them. But most importantly, I need more than just the base that I have. I need to have something to show, and something to anchor somebody to me. And the best chance is art and writing. I need to grab them, study them, and push them as far as I can take them. Through these interests, I will have a better chance of meeting somebody like me. And when I see them, I'll have to make the first step. Take the initiative. Because if they're like me, they won't take the first step.

And third, and finally, I realise that I have a responsibility, as a writer. When I write something, whether it be a paragraph, or a story, somebody will read it. And through my words, emotions will come. People will feel something. Think something. These emotions, and these thoughts that come out of what I have written are not fake. They are real. They are physical things that affect the reader on the other end. And so I must take care of what I write. I must take care, not to produce negative impacts on people. The same applies to my art, which I admit, is so hard to start because it competes with my writing, but I know it's there. With some practice, direction, and dedication, in time, it will grow, just like my writing. But I need to find out where to start, and latch on to an aspect of it that I enjoy, and go from there, just like my writing.

If you've read all of this, then thank you. This was my time in the hospital. Pages and pages of stories crammed onto paper, and thoughts about who I am and what I need to do with myself. Know that even though I need to expand myself as a person, I will never diminish from talking to any of you people, whether you be the five that I mentioned, or just a forum goer that I don’t know much about yet. But there is a lot of work to be done. But you know what the best part is? All of this happened in six months, from the very first time I spoke to smiggs. I'll be alive and turning 22 on October 30th. Let's see just how far I can reach in the next year.

I want to thank you five people, and the other people of this forum for what you’ve all shown and done for me.

I go to rest now. Long day. And this needed to be said. I wake up to a new day tomorrow. New person. New life. Let’s see what I can do with the second hand that fate has given me.

Quote from: Sandtrap on October 13, 2014, 11:53:28 PM

I'm here if you ever want to discuss Halo. There's nothing left for me to learn until Broken Circle comes out. :/ And Escalation, of course.

I don't discuss much these days. Seems like I'm in my twilight tears. But, I just put my fingers down to paper, and started writing something. I've wanted to write a story in Halo for a long time. Escpecially about a Spartan. But I needed to wait until it was right. Should be finished in a few days. Well, by tomorrow even. I just need to take the writing from paper and put it onto zee computer.

But talk to admirals. He's bumped into one piece of my writing before. He knows the catch that comes with it. Or, ask me through a PM.

Quote from: Sandtrap on October 13, 2014, 10:12:03 PM

Quote from: Jocephalopod on October 13, 2014, 10:05:58 PM

Quote from: Sandtrap on October 13, 2014, 10:03:54 PM

So..... I come back to pages and pages of, well, whatever happened in here. And then I look and see Strongman Sandtrap? The frack guys. Physically, I'm not in the best of shape. I go round and round in circles physically with like two months of summer work and then 8 months of couch potato winter. My head's in no better shape either. And I almost got nailed into a coffin from the flu.

If anything, should just call me stubborn. If you want to give the physical thing to somebody, give it to wolvers, if he's here. But not little old me.

SHUT THE FUK UP AND ACCEPT OUR PRAISE

Nein. Nothing to praise me for. Praise means something to look up to. I'm just little old me. I get sick, I have doubts, I feel sad, and most of all, I falter.

you're doing it again....


most of this forum looks up to you, even if you've had a shitty life you set a standard most people can't live up to.

I am serious though. Praise leaves you open to disappointment when your object of said praise falters and fails. I don't want to set standards or gold bars for others to follow, because it would make it that much harder for me when one day I inevitably failed, and the people who praised or "looked up to me" where there for it.

I'm going to be level with you here, right now. Because in my time in the hospital, I spent a lot of time looking at myself. I asked a lot of questions, and found a lot of answers. And I know where I need to go now. But I'll tell you here and now anyway.

I didn't nearly die because I was sick. I nearly died because of what drives me, deep down inside. It's kept me going all these years. It pulled me out of my depression, when I needed a reason to fight. And it's been the reason I've made so much progress over the years. But now, if I let it, it will kill me.

Deep down in me, my sole reason for doing what I do, everything I've ever done, was my family. But not just that. My reason for all of it, is that I believe I'm a failure. And I will take back every year, every month, every week, day, minute, down to the very last second of time that I've wasted with my life, and the pain I inflicted and caused others due to my selfishness and laziness, and I will give it all back to them.

I will destroy myself physically for this. If I can stand, then I will stand, and I will move, regardless of what that means for me. And that's what I did. I should have gone to the hospital earlier. But I worked. I stood up, and I went out there, and I worked. I added money onto my personal savings, of 10,000 dollars, and I gave it all away to make sure that my mother's home and workplace was stabilized.

But I understand it now. I know that I have to break it. I have to start looking at myself as a person, with something to lose, and something to gain. I have to create value, and give a life to myself outside of this. I will continue to help them, always. But I need to do more than that. I need to give value to the one thing that I never cared about, and that was me.

And that's what I'm going to try to do now. But, like I said, praise leaves you open. Looking up to someone, leaves you open. And one day, I will stumble. I will make a mistake. And the backlash that will come of that, is something I don't want to see happen to anybody who does look up to me.

Your praise of me, the flawed person that I am, is the very thing I stand against. Because in my life, people loved me. They cared about me. Cared for me. And I let them down. I did more than that. And it's the reason why I push myself beyond injuries and debilitating things. Because I owe them that. The world owes them that.

Quote from: Sandtrap on October 13, 2014, 10:12:03 PM

Quote from: Jocephalopod on October 13, 2014, 10:05:58 PM

Quote from: Sandtrap on October 13, 2014, 10:03:54 PM

So..... I come back to pages and pages of, well, whatever happened in here. And then I look and see Strongman Sandtrap? The frack guys. Physically, I'm not in the best of shape. I go round and round in circles physically with like two months of summer work and then 8 months of couch potato winter. My head's in no better shape either. And I almost got nailed into a coffin from the flu.

If anything, should just call me stubborn. If you want to give the physical thing to somebody, give it to wolvers, if he's here. But not little old me.

SHUT THE FUK UP AND ACCEPT OUR PRAISE

Nein. Nothing to praise me for. Praise means something to look up to. I'm just little old me. I get sick, I have doubts, I feel sad, and most of all, I falter.

See? You praised me and I disappointed you. Case proven and closed in one shot.

Quote from: Sandtrap on October 13, 2014, 10:03:54 PM

So..... I come back to pages and pages of, well, whatever happened in here. And then I look and see Strongman Sandtrap? The frack guys. Physically, I'm not in the best of shape. I go round and round in circles physically with like two months of summer work and then 8 months of couch potato winter. My head's in no better shape either. And I almost got nailed into a coffin from the flu.

If anything, should just call me stubborn. If you want to give the physical thing to somebody, give it to wolvers, if he's here. But not little old me.

Oh that reminds me. Do you need  a recap on what happened since you went under?

I seem to be up to relative speed. Swear words are now swiped with something else. Meta did something. Kiyo is now a snake lady instead of a spider lady. Psychologist turned from yellow into orange. And there's a pink guy running around with ramen noodles who may or may not be a bastard child of Cheat's.

Did you walk out of the hospital while singing I Will Survive?

I walked out of the hospital and got bitch slapped. So, that's a negative.

This was, and is a good thing to come home too. Danka Admirals!

Welcome back man.

Pink dude. I haven't seen a pink dude before. Who or what are you?

I told you that you would be alright!! You were sure that this would be the end for you, you doubt yourself too much. You should try and do something other than construction work though, it will put you right back in the same position.

If I can walk, I will move. And I can walk. So I will move. But not too rough just yet. I'll let things simmer down. And then? Back to it! No colds or flu's, just healthy little old me.

You survived, I told you so

Yeah, sure thing. "Oh nothing happened while you were gone."

You're a snake lady and a name change now. And, apparently swearing is out the window too. Anywho, you did? Shitty memory I guess. Oh well, glad to be back!

Glad to know your alright man.

Now you can play the MCC!

Well, that's debatable. I'm broke, and an xbox juan, the mcc, and all the other little expenses add up to something I can't afford. And this was before I knew I needed a new TV in order to even have a working xbox juan.

But, I'm just happy to be here. Things will sort themselves out as I go along.

Quote from: Sandtrap on October 13, 2014, 04:30:48 PM

Quote from: Kinder Swageington on October 13, 2014, 04:28:00 PM

*wheels n 5 palets of net coding*

Here, got some catching up to do :p

Great to hear you're fine. But I have a question and it's been on my mind for several years, but never had anybody like you to ask. So what was it like being in a coma? Is it like a normal sleep where it feels like a few seconds have gone by, but hours went by? Weird 2-part question but it's something I've been curious about

Somebody already asked me that. There was nothing. Nothing at all. I closed my eyes, and opened them up again to a different place, different time of day, different everything. Maybe it's because I was still on drugs and crap, but I was spaced out and disoreintated as frack. And it's fracking scary actually. Never want to go through that ever again in my life.

I'm washing my hands until there's nothing left but bones from now on. Never would have happened if I hadn't picked up the flu in the first place.

How'd you get it in the first place and how'd it get so severe?

I'll explain it all later.

*wheels n 5 palets of net coding*

Here, got some catching up to do :p

Great to hear you're fine. But I have a question and it's been on my mind for several years, but never had anybody like you to ask. So what was it like being in a coma? Is it like a normal sleep where it feels like a few seconds have gone by, but hours went by? Weird 2-part question but it's something I've been curious about

Somebody already asked me that. There was nothing. Nothing at all. I closed my eyes, and opened them up again to a different place, different time of day, different everything. Maybe it's because I was still on drugs and crap, but I was spaced out and disoreintated as fuck. And it's fucking scary actually. Never want to go through that ever again in my life.

I'm washing my hands until there's nothing left but bones from now on. Never would have happened if I hadn't picked up the flu in the first place.