Heyyy no more ''i could have made my point in a few sentences or less but instead i turned it into a motivational wall of text'' posts.

Well, recover or dont. I feel indifferent.

Quote from: Ossku on December 03, 2014, 04:49:51 PM

Heyyy no more ''i could have made my point in a few sentences or less but instead i turned it into a motivational wall of text'' posts.

Well, recover or dont. I feel indifferent.

You're ice cold.

Watch it be taken the wrong way.

Good luck, Sandtrap!

Heyyy no more ''i could have made my point in a few sentences or less but instead i turned it into a motivational wall of text'' posts.

Well, recover or dont. I feel indifferent.

Indifference is better than total objection. Very well, there is no harm done.

Quote from: Nuka on December 03, 2014, 05:16:18 PM

Quote from: Ossku on December 03, 2014, 05:14:31 PM

Quote from: The First Noelle on December 03, 2014, 05:12:33 PM

Quote from: Ossku on December 03, 2014, 04:49:51 PM

Heyyy no more ''i could have made my point in a few sentences or less but instead i turned it into a motivational wall of text'' posts.

Well, recover or dont. I feel indifferent.

No need to be a douche.

Im just honest. 'Sorry' i dont feel empathy towards people i dont know...

If you don't actually care then it's probably better if you just don't comment on it.

Oh but i love expressing my opinions if i know it rustles someones jimmies.
But lets not go into that.

You're entitled to your own opinions but it's pretty disrespectful here.

lol

I'm just doing a little bit of thinking here Mr. Class. A little thinking never hurt. And I can't help but think about your sarcastic nature on here. I'm not offended. Not asking for anything. But I'm curious. Always have been. So, here's what I know, and here's what I think.

I know that behind the scenes you're a little more serious. As some folks said, maybe even nice.

And yet here you are. The truth is, most people that frequent this site, are pretty close together generation wise. And it's damn easy to see that our generation, my generation, got a big fat fucking middle finger from society. And I lesson I've learned well, is that similar people group together. They just do. And you take one look around here, and you can see, there's a lot of people with baggage. Me included.

Not an insult. Just the way things are. This place, and the internet in general, is an escape. It's easy to put on a mask and go about your business here disguised as whoever you feel like. Me, I was raised to be honest. Anybody who's talked to me through voice can probably say that I act and speak pretty close to what I do here.

And the fact is, I come from the epitome of a disfunctional family. Why else would I be here? This site has gone long past being gaming and Halo centered. And you know what, maybe it is a little sad. Because I am attention starved. How the fuck could I not be? Everything up here, is so far apart. My entire life, I've been alone. And finally finding some people on here to talk with, opened up a door. I wanted that again. I wanted to feel something in my direction, other than hate, or dislike.

The only thing I wonder about, is why you're so centered around me. Maybe I've got a poor memory. Maybe I'm being self centered again. But there are other folks here, and on Bunige, who fit the bill of "attention whore" far more than I.

But then again, maybe it's because I'm different. You can't deny it. I must be a fucking alien to you. My world is so far apart from yours that it's ridiculous. Crazy. And only a few canadians up here have a chance of even understanding what my life is like.

I won't lie when I say that your comments sting me. I'm emotionally fragile. I know that. And I can see why. With a history like mine, anybody would be. And thr plain truth is, even without all the big bullshit this year, this is a tough year for me.

This place is my mask. This place is where I can send my thoughts out freely. All the things that I hide from myself. Because I'm a master at lying to myself. I had to be, in order to survive as a kid.

I don't ask for sympathy. I'm not asking you to stop. In fact I'm not asking anything really. I'm just thinking right now, as I type this.

Saying goodbye, and hello, is natural to me. Hello to new faces, people out of town. Goodbye to friends and family, because when they go on a trip, you don't ever know if you'll see them again. I could list, all the dead people here Class. The elderly. Accidents. Enviornmental deaths from the cold. There's a lot of them.

I say hello to new people here, because that's who I am. And I say goodbye to them, because I don't know if I'll ever see them again. And I never, ever, want to leave someone without letting them know that I care.

There is no point to this. But here's your

TL:DR:

People here come here for a reason class. We're all here because we're vaguely similiar. And you wear a mask here. So here's what I can say.

When you take that mask off, and you expose your weak side to everybody here, your vulnerable side when life feels too shitty and you need an escape?

I hope you don't bump into somebody else like yourself. Because even your simple disregard damages me. It cuts me like a knife right now. I'm not afraid to say that because that's the truth. I am damaged. But so are you. And a lot of people here. I won't hold it against you. But maybe when you're older, you'll have a little more respect for things and people around you.

Because now that I'm older, the people like you that made my life as a kid a living hell? If I ever see them again, I'll beat the fucking shit out of them. Because sometimes, that's what some people need. Some common sense smacked into them. A wake up call.

Do what you will with that.

Quote from: The First Noelle on December 03, 2014, 05:12:33 PM

Quote from: Ossku on December 03, 2014, 04:49:51 PM

Heyyy no more ''i could have made my point in a few sentences or less but instead i turned it into a motivational wall of text'' posts.

Well, recover or dont. I feel indifferent.

No need to be a douche.

Im just honest. 'Sorry' i dont feel empathy towards people i dont know...

Then maybe I didn't get to know you well enough. People all have stories. People all have something special in them. Something you never expected to find. Something inspiring. Something interesting. I don't have the time to support everybody on my back because I can hardly even stand up on my own two feet right now with what I know is coming.

Never stopped me from trying. And that's a promise. We'll start off that way. You have my word. When, and if, I ever come back, I'll find some way to say hello to you. Ask Nuka. Ask Noelle. Ask Psych. Ask the folks that call me a friend. My word is the best I can ever give. And I don't ever break it.

I'm going to miss you Sandtrap. You were one of the few people on here that I trusted and I have a lot of respect for you. You offered me good advice when I asked for it and you were a saint overall to everyone.

I've got one last piece of advice for you about money. You remember the 50/50 rule? Take everything you make and split it in half? Put a limit it on it.

Right now, I have no money in my spending jar. But I have 1000 sitting in an evnelope that I don't touch. I made a new rule today. When that envelope reaches 1000 dollars, I empty it. I take 500, and put it in a safe. Then I take the other 500, and put that back in my jar.

Because the spending jar goes out like the snap of a finger. So, every now and then, I'll get boosts when I need them. And still find a way to save money over time.

Quote from: Sandtrap on December 03, 2014, 03:10:07 PM

Quote from: DAS B00T x2 on December 03, 2014, 03:03:53 PM

Good luck, man, and do try to come back alive. This forum needs some Buddhist spirituality sometimes...

I don't think I've got much left to give. Gave most of my sunshine over to Nuka and other folks. Scraping the bottom of the barrel here really. But, I'll try. One last time.

God damn it Sandtrap...
Look, if anyone can pull through this, it's you. You can't let yourself give up. Not like this.

Spoiler

I still gotta draw you up stuff and whatnot...I just haven't been able to

This time it's a little bit different. I've been lying to myself, over the last month or so. Because I don't want to look at what's on the road ahead. I either sit here, and die, painfully. That growth presses on my head until there's no room against my skull and it caves in blood vessels and tissue and kills me.

I get up, and I take Chemo. I get sick. My own body dies because that's what Chemo is. It's a double edged sword, because that's the best we can do. We gamble with our lives. A wager, against fate, that the cancer in our body, is beaten first before we are. And sometimes, the cancer plays tricks.

I knew a girl, in my school. 17. She was diagnosed with lukemia. And she went in to have it treated with Chemo. She lost all her hair. Her skin went pale. Every day she looked like she was about to die. She was weak, and tired. She had to have bone marrow transplants because the chemicals were killing her bones producing cells.

And then, she died. The lukemia had a card up it's sleeve. A tumor in her head, that got too bad, and killed her with a clot. She was walking around with friends one day, and she fell over. Her name was Taylor.

And I'm fucking tired Nuka. I'm not even walking because I want to anymore. I'm just walking. I've been lying to myself so much that I didn't see the grey shit creeping up on my back. Grey, is the colour of my depression. The inside one. Not the one that comes with the fall season. Being tired, is a call to sleep. And it's hard to fight.

And most of all, I'm doing this by myself. My family will never let me down. If I need them out there, they will all come running. But this? I am alone for it. And I don't want to be. I'm going to drive to the city, alone. I'm going to set up shop, alone. And fight for myself, alone.

If I call, people will come to help me. They'll stay at my side until I can't do it anymore. But I have to do this. I have to take the drugs. I have to submit myself to this. I'll have to force myself to wake up every morning and fight.

When I face the reality that so far, even if I beat this, what comes next? I'm tired because I don't want this anymore. I don't want to have to fight every step of the way. And I'm not even asking for much. I want a friend, a mind like mine. I want a home. I want peace, and quiet.

Not fame, or power, or influence. I don't want a job. I want to do the hobbies I love. I don't want so much land that I don't know what to do with. Give me a sqaure, some trees, and I'll make it my own.

I want a simple life. So why is it so hard to get? Why do I have to go up a mountain just to achieve simplicity? I don't know. And I don't like how it always has to be so far away.

Maybe it's a lesson. Maybe I'll appreciate it all the more if I finally ever get it. Who knows. I just have to keep walking and see where I go.

I didn't really get the time to know you since 1) I'm shy about meeting new people sometimes and 2) I have too many contacts as it its.

But from what I've seen on your posts, you're a really insightful, intelligent guy that can't get upset at people even if they're Grade-A Shitlords (not mentioning names since it's obvious).  You've also done a great thing for Nuka that's honestly made me happy as well.

I hope you can recover from this dude, I really, really do.  You take care Sand.

Quote from: Decimator Omega on December 03, 2014, 06:34:32 PM

Gonna miss you man.

I'll make sure to stop buy when I can. I'll be shipping out to a city after all. A stop to a nice little coffee shop lie my own might allow me to say howdy. Then again, maybe not. Cold and flu season. Folks in the cities don't take care. Chemo and a cold don't bode well. I'll give it a shot when I can though.

Do what you can, but don't push yourself if you don't have to.