Well I feel like I owe an explanation as to the title of this post.

For as long as I can remember I have always fixated on death. When playing games as a child I would always be the first to "die" and more often than not my friends would try to "revive" me in whatever games we played. I really wanted to die and I really didn't know why.

Skip ahead to my first year of school. I'm a 6th grader and I don't really get along with people. I got bullied and picked on so I didn't make any friends. I came home with brushes and my parents asked why and I really didn't want to explain to them I don't get along with kids but eventually I mentioned something to them and they contacted the school. The following year I was moved to a different school. A charter school where I could try again.

 6th grade once more for me. I did great. I was a strait A student and liked by all my teachers but I still wanted to die. Every day that I got home I cried myself to sleep or went to my room to cry while doing homework. I really didn't want to do anything. This is when I discovered online gaming. I fixated on watching videos about Halo and other games in my free time and my grades began to drop. My family blamed games but they were the only thing that I really enjoyed. The friends from my church were hollow and often ignored me so I decided that I wouldn't be their friend anymore. I only played games. All that I had was games. Everything that kept me alive was games. I kept telling myself that the next game to come out would be great and that I should stay alive to play it. Games were all that I had. Games were my addiction. They were everything to me.

Come high-school I made a couple friends that liked games. I could talk to them about games and play games with them. Xbox live was my life and I started to fail classes. My family,  especially my father, we're entwined in their idea that I was going away from their religion and they were right. I didn't believe in God and and hadn't for a long time. My father constantly talked about Jesus coming and destroying the world and everything in it and that it would happen before I was out of high school. So I just stopped. I stopped caring about school. I stopped really trying in anything. Games started to get stale and my father's constant rhetoric about the world ending engraved itself in my psyche. I was convinced that I was going to die and I would finally be rid of the world. That day never came.

I didn't end up graduating high sch because of complications and it really at its hear was my fault.  I could have graduated but I chose to put holes in my ship. I wanted to sink and I wanted my life to be a failure so I could die. I moved back into gaming as I got a full time job. Every day at work was hell. I felt that I was working for a scam. Everything about it was against who I am as a person and I hated it. I constantly told one of my friends that if I don't quit I will kill myself. After 6 months I quit and she was happy. I hadn't killed myself but I can tell you I got close. Really Close. I had everything ready. My family was gone for a weekend and I could have done it but she called me out of the blue and convinced me not to.

It's been 6 months since that day and I still am putting holes in the ship. I could be in college but I ignored deadlines and failed to meet them. I could have graduated high school but I have ignored that too in the hopes that everything will end. I wanted to be homeless. I wanted my situation to be more dire so that I could have a better excuse to end my life. And then GamerGate happened. Everything I loved came crashing down. I wanted to go into software development and concentrate on game development but then GamerGate happened. Everything I loved and hoped to go into was torn into shreds.  My one last hope was taken from my under my feat. My life raft that I had left unscathed was taken from my by the flame wars and hate thrown about on the Internet and the people I once loved became enemies and I didn't want to do anything for them. I gave up. The past two month have just been me as an empty she'll trying to find another reason to live and I still haven't seen any hope or reason to move on.

I really want to end it. I know one person on this forum personally and he'll see this eventually but I don't really care.  This isn't me saying I'll kill myself but I can tell you I'm getting there.  I just need to find a way out if I'm ever going to get out of the sinking ship I sabotaged myself.

Edit:I'll fix issues with the grammar later. I'll also expound upon other issues at a later time. I just needed to get this out because I have been fixated on it and couldn't sleep. Hopefully this will help me get to sleep but I really don't think it will help.

Hey man, don't end it.

There are times where I want to end my life, but I know for a fact it won't get me a redo because once you make that decision and you die, you can't go back.

Quote from: Decimator Omega on December 02, 2014, 03:46:43 AM

Also, I'm sorry for my ignorance, but what the hell is GamerGate?

Trust me....save yourself the trouble and BS that is gamergate and don't even look into it.

I just looked it up. Regret knowing what it is right now.