Boba Fett 2.0

Honestly I was expecting one of the main characters to get killed off in some way when we saw the first announcement. I predicted that it would be Han and to my surprise I was right.

Here are random spoilers for STAR WARS Episode VII which I saw today. Just because I want to ruin your fun:

The first line of the opening crawl is "Luke Skywalker has disappeared."

The first sentence in the movie is "This will begin to make things right", said by Max von Sydow. Poe Dameron came to him to get the map to Luke Skywalker for The Resistance.

Max von Sydow's role is just a cameo, he has about 10 sentences before Kylo Ren kills him.

The Empire is now The First Order, The Rebels are now The Resistance, more extreme fraction of the New Republic, who are supposedly pussies. We only see the New Republic planet for a few seconds before it's destroyed by the Starkiller base.

Almost no one in the movie believes that Jedis and Luke Skywalker ever existed.

Kylo Ren captures Poe and uses the Force to stop laser blast so that it remains floating in the air, frozen in place.

Finn helps captured Poe to escape from the Star Destroyer only because he cannot pilot TIE fighter himself. Poe is an expert pilot, Finn can shoot lasers. They become friends.

Finn's "real name" is FN and four numbers. Poe starts to call him "Finn" because it's easier to pronounce. FN likes it.

After 20 minutes, we are supposed to think that Poe Dameron was killed in the TIE crash on Jakku. He reappers near the end (he ejected before the crash) to lead the attack on Starkiller base. He is not in the film very much. Finn wears Poe's jacket during most of the movie.

Rey meets Finn, they steal the Millennium Falcon from the junkyard and fly away. Han and Chewie catch them soon, followed by two groups of racially-stereotyped space gangsters.

Chewbacca is wounded by space gangsters soon after he appears and spends most of the remaining time doing nothing. Rey takes his place as Falcon's pilot, proving herself to Han.

Kylo Ren is Han and Leia's son. He is "Master of The Knights of Ren" but it's not explained what it means.

Kylo Ren's real name is Ben. He was trained by Luke but then turned to the Dark Side which was the reason for Luke blaming himself and disappearing.

The Starkiller base charges by draining suns and then destroys whole solar systems. The shot in trailer with Kylo Ren and red flare is the Starkiller base firing. Guess what, the Starkiller base can be destroyed by flying in her trench and shooting the "oscillator" or whatever.

Han meets Kylo at the Starkiller base/planet and tries to persuade him to return with him. "I am torn apart, father. But I know what I must do. Can you help me?" - "Of course, my son." They almost embrace. Kylo pierces Han with lightsaber. "Thank you, father." Dead Han falls into the shaft on the Starkiller base. Yes, he is dead. Most definitely.

Leader Snoke is the bald CGI bad guy with large scar across his face. He has snake-like movements but his body is never clearly seen. His motivation or origin is never explained. He gives orders to Kylo Ren and General Hux (who hate each other). Most of the characters don't know about Snoke's existence.

General Hux has screaming monologue in front of thousands of Stormtroopers: "We stand upon this mighty weapon you've built. Everyone will bow to The First Order. Today will be remembered as the last day of The Republic!" Afterwards, all Stormtroopers raise their fists. Very nice Der Fuhrer moment.

Fan service: Holochess. The levitating training ball from Episode 4. Admiral Ackbar. Rey living in the AT-AT wreckage. "1138" mentioned. Garbage chute and trash compactor mentioned. Kesel Run mentioned.

Simon Pegg plays an alien called Ankar Plutt who took care of Rey when she was very little and her parents disappeared. Now he runs a junkyard on Jakku and buys scrap from Rey. His face and voice is not recognizable.

Apart from Han and Chewie, all the "original characters" (Leia, R2D2, C3PO) only appear after two thirds of the movie, when The Resistance lands on Maz Kanata's planet.

Maz Kanata (small CGI gypsy) is the new Yoda and explains everything cryptically. Nobody understands her.

Han and Leia see each other for the first time after many, many years and have a touching conversation about their son: "You can still save him." / "How can I save him when Luke couldn't?" / "Luke was a Jedi, your are his father."

Kylo Ren and Rey have duel of wills. Rey wins, telling Kylo: "I sense your fear. You are afraid that you will never be as strong as Darth Vader."

Kylo Ren talks to Vader's helmet: "Show me the darkness. I will finish what you started, grandfather."

R2D2 spends the whole movie powered down and doesn't do anything until 5 minutes at the very end when it's discovered that crucial part of the Skywalker map is in his memory, probably but there by Luke long time ago. (It's not very clear but Luke appears with R2D2 in a flashback.)

Rey has a weird dream/flashback after she finds Luke's lightsaber in Maz Kanata's castle and touches it. The dream contains lots of quick imagery and short voiceovers by Yoda and Obi-Wan. Several famous shots in trailers (Kylo and his posse, Luke's mechanical arm on R2D2) are from this dream montage and are never explained in the movie.

Finn's origin (his skin color, who are his parents, why he hates the First Order) is never explained.

C3PO's red hand is never explained. In fact, there are many things that are never explained in this movie...

Both Finn and Rey have lightsaber duel with Kylo in the forest on the Starkiller planet/base. Finn is badly wounded and spends rest of the movie in a coma. Rey finally falls in love with him. (He loved her from the first sight.)

Starkiller base/planet is succesfully destroyed by The Resistance. We don't know what happens with Kylo Ren (who was there) but he probably survived. Snoke sends the message to Hux to "Bring Kylo Ren to me complete his training."

The last sentence of the movie is "May the Force be with you", said by Leia to Rey.

After the last sentence, there is an extended sequence without dialogue: Rey leaves the Resistance base in the Millennium Falcon with Chewbacca. They find remote planet where Luke is hiding (because they now have the map), Rey goes to the "first Jedi Temple" (which looks like ruins of some Scottish castle on a rocky island). Luke is there, dressed in old Obi-Wan style hood. Rey returns his sword to him. Apart from this sequence, Luke only appears for three seconds in Rey's previous flashback. Luke speaks no words in the whole movie and is onscreen maybe for 30 seconds total. He never meets anyone else than Rey.

———— But it's not a bad movie. I am Darth Villar.