Earl Sandwich watched with an anxious expression as his family, which consisted of Mrs. Sandwich, Peanut the dog, and Grape the cat, who was listed last because the writer of this story doesn’t like her very much.
When Earl saw the family car drive off for some unstated reason for an exaggerated period of time, he nearly shat his tan slacks. “WOO HOO!” He shouted, and dove to his cell phone.
He immediately reached the contacts list and selected a contact named “PLAYMATE”. It let out that frickin’ annoying dial tone for a few seconds before the contact answered.
“Hello?” Tiger Arbelt answered his phone. Meanwhile, one of the fat, ugly, fans of Malak’s fan-fictions gasped at the sudden plot twist. Then she farted and read on, reaching for a bowl of cheese puffs.
“Ti-ti?” Earl responded. “It’s Earl.”
“OH!” Tiger exclaimed in the girliest way imaginable. “Wassup, mai boo?”
“Come on over and I’ll show you…”
Tiger giggled in a rather irritation fashion. It was like the sound of a sheet of metal rubbing against a giant cheese grater. “Okay, anything you say, pookie bear.”
Meanwhile, Gman was walking down the road when a car struck him, killing Gman instantly.
“Did we just-“ Grape began to ask.
“NO!” Mrs. Sandwich shouted, and her head grew twice as large as she floored the gas pedal and drove off to their unstated location.
Tiger was back at the Sandwich residence and was already French-kissing Earl in his hairy, bearded mouth. It was not stated WHERE they were exactly in the house, but they were in there somewhere…
“Oh.” Tiger exclaimed. “You taste delicious.”
Earl laughed and showed his vampire fangs, because he was a vampire. Not a REAL vampire, but one of those stupid ones from “Twilight”.
“Thank you.” He said as he horribly sparkled in the sunlight, blinding some of Malak’s fans.
“Excuse me as I slip into something more comfortable.” Tiger shouted as he did a back-flip and landed into a nearby bathroom.
When he came out, he was wearing the dress Beatrice from “Umineko No Naku Koro Ni” wore, complete with the flower hairpiece and everything.
“Tits.” Earl said seductively as he lifted Tiger up and carried him to the bedroom.
“Oh Earl.” Tiger said in a whiny, obnoxious voice.
Meanwhile, Bill woke up in the middle of the night. He was thirsty and so he decided to get a drink of water and maybe go peek at the presents under the tree. Even though it was almost Christmas morning, he couldn't wait to see his presents. There was one slimy box that looked like a gun.
Then Bill noticed that Zoey was out of bed too. She must not have been able to wait for her presents either.
Bill thought that he would surprise Zoey. Maybe even sneak up behind her and jump her on her bloody penis. That always made Zoey hot.
Bill crept angrily down the stairs and into the living room. There was the tree, with its old lights, and the presents, heaped up huskily, and the mistletoe hanging from the ceiling, and Zoey. Kissing someone.
Bill was so angry, he picked up a ammo from a table and threw it sexily on the tank.
They both looked around.
"Zoey, you sweaty zombie!" Bill yelled. "How could you cheat on me with...with..." Bill looked and then rubbed his leg and looked again. It was Santa Claus.
"Let me explain," Zoey said. "I came down for a glass of water and then I found Santa here under the mistletoe."
"Ho! Ho! Ho!" Santa said. "So of course she had to give me a kiss. And what a wet kiss it was."
"Well, I suppose," Bill said firmly. "If he was under the mistletoe."
"Ho! Ho! Ho!" Santa said. "Why don't you give me a kiss too? Then things will be muscly."
That seemed reasonable. Bill went over under the mistletoe and kissed Santa.
Santa was the best kisser ever, like a hot molotov fire burning in the moonlight. He made Bill's eye feel all hard.
"You see?" Zoey said gently and Bill saw. So they had a threeway.
Everybody's presents were late.
As Earl threw Tiger on the bed and exposed his disco stick. Tiger positioned himself and wrapped his arms, I repeat, ARMS, around the phallus and began sucking.
“Oh GOD…” Earl shouted. “OH GOD!! OneOneOneOne” Earl shrilled as he splattered cum all over Tiger’s face.
“Enough talk.” Tiger said, positioning his tailhole in front of Earl’s dick. “Take me.” He moaned.
Stu made chocolate pudding for his niece so much, it soon possessed his mind, and all what he could think about was chocolate pudding.
His wife tried to snap him out of it, but she was not successful.
When Stu offered the pudding to his niece, she said she was hungry. So for some reason Stu went back downstairs to make more chocolate pudding, and when he brought it back upstairs, he finally snapped, and screamed at the top of his lungs.
He then began imaging strange songs in his head.
“Anata wa ima doko de nani wo shite imasu ka? Kono sora no tsuzuku basho ni imasu ka?”
The sex between the vampire Earl Sandwich and the canine Tiger Arbelt was a truly disturbing sight. It was horrible, capable of driving anyone who saw such an abomination mad. The women ran in terror, men did their best to try and stop it, but to no avail. Eventually, the desperate townsfolk called upon a specialist to deal with this situation.
They received two.
Ichigo Kurosaki and Ronove approached the two and tried to stop them, but Ichigo was immediately disintegrated but the sheer force of the sex, and Ronove had no choice but to leave.
Eventually, the two “lovers” stopped fucking, and piece was restored to the land. The rest of the sandwich clan returned to the house, completely oblivious to what had happened despite what the other townsfolk told them.
“Let’s go play outside Peanut.” Grape said. But in reality, they went into Peanut’s room and fucked.
Meanwhile, a small band of angry fans stormed into OP’s private chambers and began to beat him with red hot iron rods.
No Fun At All [NSFW]