So Longface kinda inspired me to do this....

Dopameme · December 21, 2014, 12:44:11 AM

I've been reading some of his story and it really brings me back to the days when I used to write up that Flood fiction on bnet. I feel like that most people here never read it or never knew about it, So I decided that I would share the story on this website so it can be archived. I mean, this is the real Flood.

The Attack of the Alts: A Floodian Epic

The Prequel
It was yet another marvelous day in Flood City. The center forum was alive with the joyous sounds of illustrious bards singing songs and sharing ideas. The city’s Noble guards, or Ninjas, were scattered around the perimeter of the forum, making sure the bad citizens are always dealt with accordingly; occasionally giving their two-cents in the discussions. However, the citizens and Ninjas alike lived under one rule, one higher power that dictated everything in the country of Bungie. From the constant warzone of Reach, to the ghost town of The Classifieds, this one deity ruled them all, the mighty Achronos. He did not rule Bungie with an iron fist, but with tough love, and he never personally punished anyone. If you committed a crime against Bungie, you received a special visit from Achronos’s Grim Reaper, only known to us mortals as “Disembodied Soul.” If it wasn’t for Achronos, Bungie would be nothing but a barren wasteland. He gave us our existence and everything we’ve learned from it. And, despite threatening to wipe the Flood from existence numerous times, it was his unconditional love that persevered through the toughest of times.

That is, until the Alts attacked.

The Flood had experienced great catastrophes in its glorious history. We survived the great Porch storm, the MLP invasion, and assaults from our rival country of 4chan, but nothing could compare to the Attack of the Alts. Led by JOHN CENA, who used his mastery of the art of spamming and URL illusion to consume even the most intelligent Floodians, the Alts broke through the Ninja’s defenses and removed Achronos from his royal palace. JOHN CENA was a master of deception, but he was also a charismatic leader. He was able to convince many surviving Floodians that, “No longer shall we lurk in the shadows and ‘Play Nice,’ depriving ourselves immense opportunities of discussion. No longer, shall we be violated by Disembodied Soul because we want to speak our minds. NO LONGER, shall we allow Achronos and his petty group of thug Ninjas to dictate our lives! Now is the time for change! If you are not with us, you are against us! WE. ARE. OFFTOPIC!” With this famous speech, JOHN CENA was able to inspire the weak-minded and the oft-banned, but the respected Floodians tried fighting back. A group of rebels comprised of TehIllusiveMan, Mister Math, Disambiguation, Harlow, NAKED N00B, jacal, and led by Captain K-Mart, attempted to take back Bungie palace. But JOHN CENA quickly thwarted their attack, killing all of them except K-Mart. No, he had something special planned for him. K-Mart was dragged into the Flood’s city center, decapitated in front of the remaining population, and his head was staked in front of the city. Then JOHN CENA, in an attempt to discourage any more rebellions, exclaimed that everyone willing to live under his rule will stay near the palace while he nukes the city to eradicate the rest of Achronos’s followers from the Flood. However, this didn’t scare everyone. This moment gave someone an opportunity to make a name for himself, to be the hero that he always wanted to be.

Officer Nasty was just another simple member who, day in and day out, followed the rules and minded his own business. But, in this time of chaos, he rose to the challenge. He gathered his belongings, containing his officer suit and a .44 magnum, and convinced his group of friends, each with their own special attributes, to join him. This group was quickly named “The Flood’s Salvation,” and consisted of the citizens Greene, Rampant, BaconShelf, Smiggles, and Hawke. Once they collected their share of supplies, the group headed towards Officer Nasty’s bomb shelter located on the outskirts of the city. He knew this would come in handy someday, it was only a matter of time a tyrant took control of Bungie. So they entered the shelter, where they awaited the inevitable nukes to fall while they devised a strategy to take down JOHN CENA and reclaim the Flood. A few weeks passed, and the group felt the impact of the bombs dropping outside, coupled with a bright flash of light.

And this is where their story began…

Dopameme · December 21, 2014, 12:44:35 AM

Chapter One: Confinement

It’s been three weeks since the initial fall of JOHN CENA’s nukes; the group has been passing the time by devising strategies to take back Bungie Palace and sharing stories. The one window in the shelter has been covered by a thick layer of dirt, leaving the cramped room dim and dreary. Most of the members have dealt with the situation properly, but one member has started to feel the effects of the confinement.

Rampant was always known to live up to his name by consistently falling into bits of rage and aggression, but his medication comforted him for the first week. However, with his inability to visit the Flood’s pharmacy, he hasn’t gotten his fix in a long time, and it’s showing dramatically. He’s carved the words “Blame Stosh” all over the walls of the shelter, and even went as far as trying to convince everybody that Smiggles is one of Stosh’s alts trying to kill the group in their sleep. He began to get increasingly violent; his worst offense was punching Hawke over a game of chess. After that, the group unanimously decided that keeping Rampant in a strait jacket was the only way to keep control of his rampancy.

Other than Rampant’s ever-growing insanity, the rest of the group blended well together. Some nights, they would all sit in a circle and share stories about their lives and where they were when JOHN CENA first attacked the Flood.

Hawke, BaconShelf, and Rampant experienced firsthand the wrath of JOHN CENA’s most decorated Alt, who goes by the name of Camnator.
It was another beautiful, joyous night in the Flood’s social district. The three friends were found in the Flood’s Night Club having drinks, smoking cigars, and enjoying fine music. However, this night was particularly entertaining. In the far corner of the club, you can always find Camnator smoking cannabis and sharing his unpopular opinions on society. Whoever decided to stop and make fun of him would only see their insults directed back at them, due to Camnator’s mastery of the Reversal Technique. It was widely believed that Camnator was just a pot-smoking robot, because you could find him repeating certain quotes over and over again. However, nobody predicted that he had so much power and rage built up inside of him. That night, when he got word of JOHN CENA’s impending invasion, he showcased his abilities for the entire Flood to see. He was able to wipe out most of the civilians in the club using his deadly Cannabis Cannon and the ancient Booty Spell. His attacks are methodical: He first shoots his Cannabis Cannon, causing his enemies to become dazed and incoherent. Then, he casts the Booty Spell, which reacts with the anuses of everybody except his to grow rapidly and explode. Finally, he approaches every single assless victim and botches their lobotomies, turning them into his own personal minions. BaconShelf, Hawke, and Rampant vividly remember Camnator’s wrath in the club that night, and they barely made it out with their coherence.

Smiggles and Greene found themselves in a similar situation.
For most of its existence, the country of Bungie has had a predominantly male population, and seeing wanted posters around Flood City containing the phrase, “TITS OR GTFO,” was not a rare occurrence. To avoid living under oppression, they stayed in a discrete building in the suburbs of Flood City with the rest of the females. Unfortunately, Smiggles and Greene were the only good-natured females to make it out alive. When the initial attack from the Alts came, Shadows, a well-known citizen and ambassador for the female population, fell for JOHN CENA. He personally raided the female hideout and managed to kill most, except for the most experienced, which were Shadows, Kiyo, Smiggles, and Greene. JOHN CENA chose Shadows to be his queen and Kiyo to be the Alts’ sex slave, but he didn’t see any evil in Smiggles or Greene. They were able to escape his meatspin tornado and flee towards the outskirts of the city, where they met up with The Flood’s Salvation.

On the third week of their confinement, Officer Nasty decided it was time to emerge from the shelter. Their plan seemed simple: Locate Hawke’s plane in Destiny City, recruit any wanderers they meet, and infiltrate Bungie Palace from above. They gathered their weapons and any supplies they had left, and awaited by Nasty’s side near the shelter’s heavy steel door. With a hard jerk upwards, Nasty was able to loosen the door and slowly transition from the safety of his shelter to the dangerous, radioactive wasteland.

Assassin 11D7 · December 21, 2014, 12:44:40 AM

Didn't you write this like months ago?

Dopameme · December 21, 2014, 12:45:23 AM

Chapter Two: Surprise!

The changes to the country of Bungie caused by the nukes were unsettling. The luscious green grass was replaced with loose, lifeless dirt. An immense layer of dust has blotted the sun from the sky, making it difficult to tell the time of day. The once vibrant city of Floodians became a haven for JOHN CENA and the rest of his despicable Alt allies. The Flood’s Salvation knew they had to adapt to their new environment in order to fulfill their goal, and their first order of business was locating Destiny City.

During their confinement, Hawke informed the group of a plane that is kept in a remote hangar near Destiny City. He recalled seeing a vast mountain range when he visited the city, so that’s what they needed to look for. After taking a couple of minutes to scan the area, Officer Nasty spotted a group of mountains just west of Flood City. It appeared that there was a large mansion preceding the mountains, followed by a long passageway cutting through the mountains. The mansion appeared to have bright flashing lights covering the roof and was littered with garbage, almost as if there was a massive party going on.
Officer Nasty faced the group and asked, “Anybody have an idea who owns that mansion?” There was a silence between the group members, the only noise that could be heard was Rampant’s heavy breathing. All of a sudden, Smiggles’s head jerked up and she replied, “I think I know! I remember going to one of those insane parties! One time it was just me, edableshoe, and a gallon of peanut butter and we-“ Smiggles was quickly cut off by Officer Nasty before she could go any further into her experience.
“Focus, Smiggles. Who owns that mansion?”
“Why, the Great Gatsby, of course!” she replied.
This news brought a look of surprise to each member of the group. Gatsby had a peculiar reputation around Flood City. Everybody knew about his parties, but you could only go if you had a special invitation. Officer Nasty was perplexed that Gatsby would still be throwing parties after A-Day (Alt Day) despite the lack of resources. He knew they had to get on Gatsby’s good side, because the quickest way into Destiny City was through that mountain pass, and going through the mansion was the only option.
“Okay, well, it looks like it’s time to party,” Officer Nasty said with a clever smirk on his face. “Let’s go.”

A couple of hours have passed, and Gatsby’s mansion was about 300 yards away from the group’s current position. Nighttime has arrived, which provides them cover but limits their vision. They could have been there an hour ago, but having to pull Rampant along with a makeshift leash impeded their progress.
“Look, lights!” Exclaimed BaconShelf. “That must be Gatsby’s house! Oh man, I cannot wait to start pounding drinks and-“
There was a loud scuffle which seemed to originate fairly near the group, which made Officer Nasty come to a complete halt.
“Shhh…Nobody make a sound...” whispered Nasty.
The scuffling became increasingly louder, and they started to hear the muttering of words. He determined the origin of the noise was coming from the bottom of a slope just to the group’s right. Once he approached the edge of the slope, he found a figure violently pacing back and forth and making inaudible sounds.
“What the hell…” whispered Greene. “What is that person doing down there?”
Hawke approached the edge of the slope and took a hard look at the mysterious figure; after taking a few seconds to collect his thoughts, his eyes widened in horror as he noticed something very strange about the figure.
“Guys…look at his backside…”Hawke whispered, trembling in fear. “He doesn’t have an ass.”
The group focused their attention on the man’s backside and realized what Hawke was referring to. There was nothing but a piece of loose skin hanging from where his ass was supposed to be, which could only mean one thing. Hawke and BaconShelf looked at each other and unanimously said, “Camnator.”
“So, that must be one of Camnator’s minions,” said Nasty. “The poor guy is suffering from severe incoherence. I think I can take him out from here.” He reached into his holster, withdrew his .44 magnum, and put the man’s head directly in his sights. Smiggles put her hand on Officer Nasty’s arm and said, “Wait, I’ve got a better idea.” She immediately jumped to her feet, which instantly received the incoherent man’s attention. Smiggles pointed away from the man and yelled, “Look, over there! It’s a thug cop!” The man looked in the direction where Smiggles pointed and responded with a low, melodious groan, before Officer Nasty ended his incoherence with a single bullet to the brain. “Good thinking, Smiggles,” said Officer Nasty while exchanging a fist-bump. “Now let’s get to that mansion.”

As the group got closer to the mansion, they began to smell the rotten food and garbage that was littered across the front yard. They noticed signs posted around the yard containing “No Alts allowed,” “Bring Your Own Booze,” and “Down With Vien!” The last sign seemed rather odd since Vien wasn’t a known enemy or an Alt, but they decided not to think too much into it at the time. The words “LEKGOLO FUN HOUSE” was poorly painted above the front door, which only brought up more confusion. Officer Nasty spotted a doorbell and pressed it, giving off a high-pitched buzz in the house. A couple minutes passed, and the group could sense something big approaching the door, feeling the ground beneath them begin to shake with each step of the unknown giant. The footsteps stopped and were replaced with the sound of multiple locks clicking, unlocking the giant wooden door. The door slowly creaked open and revealed a Lekgolo the likes of which no one had ever seen before.

Dopameme · December 21, 2014, 12:45:54 AM

Chapter Three: The Mansion

“WHO ARE YOU, AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?” questioned the massive Lekgolo standing in Gatsby’s mansion.
“We’re travelers hoping to use the mountain pass behind this mansion.” Replied Officer Nasty. “Please tell me that you’re somehow a mutated Gatsby.”
“GATSBY? YOU MEAN THAT PUNY HUMAN OVER THERE?” The Lekgolo turns and points to a sobbing, middle aged man sitting on a couch across the room. “NO, MY NAME IS LITTLE COWPIE. YOU MAY USE THE MOUNTAIN PASS, BUT I MUST MAKE SURE YOU ARE NOT AN ALT.”
“Okay, fine. But can you please lower your voice? There’s no need to yell.”
“WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I’M NOT YELLING.”
Officer Nasty could feel his eardrums bursting from every word this obnoxious Lekgolo exclaims.
“Whatever, do what you have to do. Quietly!”
“AS YOU WISH. ARE YOU OR ANY OF YOUR FRIENDS AFFILIATED WITH JOHN CENA?”
Each of the group members look at each other and shake their heads.
“WHAT ABOUT HIM?” Little Cowpie points at Rampant, who is twitching violently and foaming from the mouth. “HE SURE LOOKS LIKE ONE OF THOSE BLOODTHIRSTY ALTS.”
“Trust me, he’s okay.” Replied BaconShelf. “You wouldn’t happen to have some medications, would you? I’d love to not have to drag this nutcase around with a leash anymore.”
“I’M NOT SURE, ASK THE BARTENDER. YOU HUMANS CAN COME IN NOW.” Little Cowpie fully opens the door and moves out of the way so the group can enter.
“BUT IF YOU START ANY TROUBLE, I’LL HAVE TO HURT YOU.”

The group slowly walked into the grand mansion, containing a full bar with a robotic bartender, a living area where Gatsby was located, and a second story with a good number of bedrooms. “Officer Nasty, can we pleeeease stay here and relax for a little bit?” Greene pleaded. “We just had to walk for over three hours, I think we deserve a rest!”
“I need a drink…” said BaconShelf.
“You and me both.” said Hawke.
He stopped and thought for a few seconds before giving an answer.
“You’re right, I think some rest would be good,” replied Officer Nasty. “We’ll leave in about an hour.”

The group headed towards the bar while Officer Nasty, still worried about the sobbing Gatsby, went to comfort him. As Nasty approached him, he raised his head out of his soaked hands but the sulking continued. “What do you want from me, old sport?” said Gatsby with a concerning tone.
Officer Nasty sat next to the troubled Gatsby and put a hand on his shoulder.
“I’m concerned about your sadness.” Said Nasty. “Is it because these Lekgolos took over your place and turned it into a Fun House?”
“No, I don’t give a damn about them,” Gatsby replied while holding back tears. “It’s my dear Daisy. I haven’t seen her in weeks. She must be dead, I’m sure of it! And before you ask, no, I don’t want your help. Now leave me be!” Gatsby pushed Nasty’s hand off his shoulder and turned away, tears continuing to pour from his eyes.
“Suit yourself.” Nasty got up and moved over to another chair, where he sat down, laid his head on the headrest, and closed his eyes.

At the other end of the mansion, the rest of the group was sitting at the bar enjoying drinks together. Hawke put his glass of rum down and looked around in confusion. “Hey, where’s Rampant?” He asked.
BaconShelf immediately turned to Hawke and pointed to the corner of the room, where a slumbering Rampant was tied to a pillar. “I didn’t want to hold him anymore, so I poured a whole bottle of Jack Daniel’s down his throat in hopes that it would calm him down. Heh, looks like it worked!” said BaconShelf.

Smiggles and Greene were located at a separate table from Hawke and BaconShelf, accompanied by two travelers from the North, who were wearing moose-skin hats and enjoying tall glasses of maple syrup.
“So, tell us about yourselves!” said Smiggles intuitively. “Yeah,” said Greene, “and tell us why you’re wearing those goofy hats.”
One of the Northerners took a quick sip of his maple syrup and replied with an accent unfamiliar to the girls. “Eh, my name is CND, and this is my friend TBlocks.” TBlocks responded with a quick “Eh” combined with a nod. “We’re from Support City, a little ways North from Flood.”
“What are you doing down here?” Greene asked.
CND put down his maple syrup and explained. “Well, we always make a trek down here; Gatsby serves the best maple syrup in all the land.” Smiggles and Greene both nodded their heads in fascination. “However, when JOHN CENA nuked our city, we loaded up our dogsleds and came down here for shelter and maple syrup, eh.”
“Interesting,” Said Smiggles. “How would you like to join us? We’re in a group called ‘The Flood’s Salvation,’ and we’re going to remove JOHN CENA from existence once and for all.”
“We really could use some extra help!” Persisted Greene.
“Eh, no thanks.” Replied CND.
“Yeah, we like it here. It’s safe and we get free maple syrup whenever we want.” Added TBlocks. “Plus, we aren’t really fighters. Even though our city’s primary sport is hockey, we share a peaceful heritage. Sorry, eh.”
Before the girls could reply, there was a loud crash at the front door. There were a few vicious knocks, followed by a monstrous figure that kicked down the door, awaking Officer Nasty from his rest. Once the dust settled, Officer Nasty identified the intruder as Vien Quitonm, the most infamous Sangheili in Bungie.
“Cowpie!” shouted Vien at the top of his Sangheili lungs. “Come out where I can see you, you little whore!”
Little Cowpie and his two Lekgolo mates emerged from his quarters due to the ruckus caused by Vien.
“WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING HERE, VIEN? THIS IS MY HOUSE NOW!” Cowpie raised his fuel rod cannon and primed it.
“We took this house together and had a happy life, but you ruined it when I caught you mating with a Sangeheili hooker!” Exclaimed Vien.
“CAN’T YOU SEE THAT I DON’T HAVE FEELINGS FOR YOU ANYMORE? PLUS, I DIDN’T EVEN ENJOY OUR MATING SESSIONS!”
Vien’s face began to fume with rage as he withdrew his energy sword.
“You take that back!” Vien commanded.
“WHY DON’T YOU COME OVER HERE AND MAKE ME, GRUNT?”
Vien let out a monstrous battle cry and charged at Cowpie and his two mates, dodging fire from their fuel rod cannons. He jumped above the first mate and sliced off his head, before ducking under the attack of the other mate and stabbing him in the chest, piercing his heart. Vien took a swing at Cowpie but only connected with the Lekgolo’s shield, which caused the sword to slip from his hands. The two former lovers wrestled to the ground and relentlessly pounded each other with painful blows, causing a mix of purple and orange blood to spew around the room.

Smiggles, Greene, Hawke, and BaconShelf bolted towards Officer Nasty, who was directing them towards the back door leading to the mountain pass. Before they could leave, Gatsby emerged from his somber state and grabbed Officer Nasty. “Wait!” pleaded Gatsby. “I’m sorry for pushing you away, I appreciate your concern for me. If you really want to help, help me find Daisy. Here, have this.” Gatsby reached into his pocket and handed Officer Nasty a crumpled photograph. “If you see her, please tell her to come back to me.”
“Will do,” said Officer Nasty, as he directed his attention towards the group. “Let’s get out of here!”
The group ran towards the back door, swung it open, and slammed it shut behind them. Vien and Cowpie continued to beat each other senseless, while CND and TBlocks were cowering under their table, and Rampant was left tied to the pillar remaining fast asleep.

Korra · December 21, 2014, 12:46:00 AM

Dopameme · December 21, 2014, 12:46:22 AM

Chapter Four: The Mountain Pass

The group exited the mansion and entered an open grassy area preceding the pass. It was sometime early in the afternoon, as it was as bright as they’ve seen since the nukes fell. The narrow pass cut through a thick forest which made it noticeably darker. As they walked closer to the pass, the sound of Little Cowpie and Vien’s scuffle became fainter and fainter, until there was a complete blissful silence. At the entrance there was a warning sign that urged travelers to follow the bright green flags on the trees; however, the words “Enter, IF YOU DARE,” were carved into it. The group saw a person about 30 feet into the pass who was on the ground cowering in the fetal position with an envelope clenched in his hands. When Officer Nasty walked up to him, the man looked at Nasty with cold, soulless eyes, as if he’s suffering from shellshock.
“Hey man, are you alright?” asked Officer Nasty in a sincere tone. The man’s mouth began to quiver as he struggled to find the will to speak. “A-a-are you Officer Nasty? Leader of t-t-t-The Flood’s Salvation?”
Officer Nasty turned back to the anxious group looking for a solution, but they all responded with a shrug. “Yes I am, why?”
“Take this envelope; it’s a m-m-message from ‘The Destiny Purifiers.’” The petrified man slowly outstretched his twitching hand containing the envelope. “I don’t k-k-know who it’s from, b-b-b-but he said you’d know w-w-what it means.”
Officer Nasty grabbed the envelope and asked, “Who, or what, is ‘The Destiny Purifiers’? And what is your name?”
“My n-n-name is Pureeey. They’re l-l-located in Destiny City’s marketplace, that’s a-a-all I…I…”
Officer Nasty stood there for a second waiting for Pureeey to continue, until he realized his eyes glazing over and saliva dripping from his mouth as he lay limp on the ground. “Uh, are you okay?” asked Nasty as he gave Pureeey a few gentle kicks. “I guess he passed out or something. Come on, let’s go.”
“Are you crazy, Nasty?!” exclaimed BaconShelf. “There’s no way we’re going in there! It’s spooky as hell!”
“Yeah, and what about this guy?” asked Greene. “Something in there must have spooked him really bad.”
“We don’t have a choice!” exclaimed Officer Nasty.
“Come on, Nasty, there has to be another way.” Said Smiggles.
“No, there isn’t.” said Hawke. “Nasty’s right, this is the only way we can get to Destiny City. We’ve come this far already, there’s no way we’re turning back now!”
“Exactly, thank you Hawke.” said Officer Nasty. “We’ll be in and out quick and easy, all we have to do is move fast and don’t stop for anything. But first, let me open this.” Officer Nasty pulled out the mysterious envelope and gently opened it. “What the hell…” said Officer Nasty as he looked inside. He reached into the package and revealed a single piece of burnt toast, buttered on only one side. “Is this some kind of joke?”
Officer Nasty scoffed and threw the toast on the ground, which became food for the ants below.
“Alright then, let’s go. Remember what I said: Don’t stop for anything.”

The group continued walking through the dark, constricted path. The darkness made it difficult for them to see much of anything around them, as they found out that tripping over tree roots became a real nuisance. Officer Nasty checked his watch, realizing that they’ve been walking for over an hour. They continued down the path for a little bit longer, until Officer Nasty began slowing in front of them. He noticed that the dirt path stopped a little ways ahead. As he inched closer towards the end, he realized that the path begins to gradually slope downwards, leading to a distant patch of light in the darkness. “Look at that, we made it!” said Officer Nasty triumphantly. “The exit is near.”
BaconShelf gave out a sigh of relief. “Guess this wasn’t too bad after all.”
Officer Nasty led the group’s descent to the exit, but stopped when he noticed a note on the ground. He crouched down and picked it up, which read “Look down.”
“Shit, look out!” exclaimed Smiggles.
There was a loud whooshing sound all around them, and a figure was seen sprinting in the woods. As Officer Nasty tried to move, a snare tightened and took him off his feet, causing him to bang his head onto the root of a tree. Seconds later, the snare was hauled upwards which took Officer Nasty with it as he hung six feet above the ground. His vision was blurred from the fall and he could feel the blood rushing to his head.
“Hold on Nasty, we’re gonna help you!” exclaimed Hawke.
The group all grabbed Officer Nasty and tried to pull him down, but he was too high for their reach.
“We need to find where that rope is tied and cut it!” exclaimed BaconShelf. “Everyone search nearby!”
They began to scan the area, until the mysterious figure appeared out of the darkness, which made them stop in their places. He was a tall, lanky humanoid wearing a burlap sack over his head, and a glove with five needles containing glowing yellow liquid on his left hand.
“What do you want with us?!” questioned Greene.
The man raised his hand and spread his fingers outwards. “I want to feel your fear…”
He vanished into the darkness and began phasing through the forest around them.
“Let the darkness enfold you.” said the mysterious figure, followed by a maniacal laugh.
“Come on out and fight like a man!” commanded BaconShelf.
“BaconShelf, stop! We have to save Nasty and get the hell out of here!” exclaimed Hawke.
BaconShelf turned around and was met face to face with the man, locking eyes with him; all he could see was darkness and dread. The man grabbed BaconShelf’s neck, pulled him closer, and whispered, “I can taste your fear.” He lifted BaconShelf off the ground and tossed him with considerable strength, causing him to land under the dangling Officer Nasty.
“You son of a bitch!” exclaimed Hawke as he bolted towards the man and attempted to tackle him, but was met with a kick to the gut.
“Fools, you stand no match against the Scarecrow.”
Scarecrow delivered another blow to Hawke, this time to his face, breaking his nose.
BaconShelf rolled on his back and felt the barrel of Officer Nasty’s .44 magnum under him, which fell out when he was strung up. He grabbed the revolver, aimed, and fired at Scarecrow, connecting with his right arm. He let out a scream of agonizing pain and darted into the forest, followed by the warning, “This isn’t the last you’ve seen of me!”

Smiggles and Greene ran towards the ailing Hawke and helped him to his feet.
“Shit, you’re bleeding a lot.” Said Greene.
“Ah, I’m fine, ‘tis but a scratch!” said Hawke. “We need to get Nasty down.”
They continued to search for where the rope was tied, eventually found by Smiggles on a nearby branch.
“Guys, I found the rope!” she exclaimed. “Stand under him while I cut it so you can catch him.”
Smiggles waited by the rope until the rest of the group readied themselves under Officer Nasty. They said “Ready” in unison, and she cut the rope, allowing Officer Nasty to fall into the hands of his awaiting friends. His vision was still strongly blurred, and he was dazed from hanging upside down for an extended period of time. Hawke and BaconShelf positioned themselves under each of his arms and supported him upright as they began inching towards the exit. “What happened…Where am I?” Questioned Officer Nasty, and he could faintly see the light coming from the opening become stronger.
“We were ambushed,” said Hawke. “I’ll explain to you later.”

Dopameme · December 21, 2014, 12:47:05 AM

Chapter Five: Destiny City(Attack of the Alts)

The group emerged from the mountain pass and immediately collapsed on the ground in exhaustion. Officer Nasty began to regain his vision and consciousness, and Hawke managed to patch up his broken nose. There was a large billboard nearby portraying a beautiful metropolis and airplanes in the sky with the words: “Welcome to Destiny City. Fulfill your Destiny!” Unfortunately, what was left of the magnificent city was a massive ghost town. There were no more skyscrapers left intact, which allowed rubble and debris to fill the once busy streets. “We finally made it…” said BaconShelf with a sigh of relief. “Destiny City.”
Officer Nasty rose to his feet and scanned over the city. He noticed that the sun was falling closer to the horizon, meaning daytime was fleeting.
“Come on everyone, let’s get ready,” Said Officer Nasty. “We’re going to have to find some shelter in the city for the night.”
The group began to stand up, collect themselves, and get ready to delve into the foreign city. Officer Nasty took one last glance at the group, and came to a sudden realization. His expression turned stone cold as he gazed into the distance. “Something isn’t right.” Wondered Officer Nasty. He turned his head to BaconShelf and asked, “Where’s Rampant?” BaconShelf met eyes with Hawke as they both unanimously replied, “Shit!”
“He must have ran away in the forest when that psycho attacked us.” Said BaconShelf.
“Don’t even think about it, Nasty.” Said Greene before Officer Nasty could even speak. “There’s no way we’re going back into that pass.”
“I concur.” Said Smiggles. “Plus, he was becoming more insane by the minute; he was just slowing us down. It’s time we forget about him.”
Officer Nasty gave in to their demands and turned back at the looming city.
“Okay, fine. Let’s go.”
The group readied themselves and began walking towards the city.

_________________________________________

There was no sign of Vien and Cowpie in the mansion, other than the blood plastered all over the walls and furniture. Rampant remained fast asleep in the same position throughout the day, his mouth covered with dried saliva from the foaming. CND finally removed his hands from his eyes and exuberantly tapped TBlocks on the shoulder. “The fight’s over, eh!” CND happily exclaimed. “Let’s get out of here.”
The two northerners helped each other from under their table and took their last gulps of maple syrup. TBlocks hopped over behind the bar counter and began stacking jars of maple syrup. “Hey Gatsby, do you care if we take this maple syrup, eh?” asked TBlocks.
Gatsby lifted his depressed head and scoffed. “I won’t care about anything until I know my dear Daisy is alive.”
TBlocks looked at CND and shrugged as he continued to pile maple syrup jars on the counter. As CND was collecting his belongings, he noticed the slumbering Rampant in the corner tied up to a pillar.
“What about this guy, eh?” asked CND as he pointed at Rampant. “Isn’t he a friend of those nice women we were chatting with?”
“I believe so,” replied TBlocks. “I remember them saying something about Destiny City. Should we bring him along with us?”
“It would be the kind thing to do, eh. Let’s keep that strait jacket on him though, he looks mentally unstable.”
CND shuffled over to Rampant and untied his leash from the pillar. As TBlocks loaded the last jar of maple syrup in his pack, he began to hear a mixture of moaning and groaning through the wall next to him, followed by gentle thumps. The thumping became louder, and he began to hear a conversation.
“OH, VIEN…I HAVE ALWAYS ADMIRED THE SANGHEILI ANATOMY.” Moaned Cowpie seductively. TBlocks gagged at the thought of what was going on in the other room and hopped over the counter with his pack full of maple syrup.
“Come on, CND,” he said. “Now’s the perfect time to leave, those weird aliens are doing God knows what in the other room, eh.”
CND clenched Rampant’s leash and gave it a few light tugs to awake him. Rampant slowly opened his bloodshot eyes and rolled on his back in a drunken stupor. The two northerners began to drag Rampant across the mansion to the front door, until Cowpie and Vien emerged from the back room wearing nothing but bed sheets.
“I guess you could say we’ve…settled our differences.” Vien said to Cowpie with a wink. He then directed his attention to the northerners. “Hey, where are you humans going?”
Before they could answer, Cowpie looked at Rampant and asked, “DOESN’T HE BELONG TO THAT OTHER GROUP?”
CND glanced at TBlocks wondering if he should lie, but TBlocks only responded with a quick shrug.
“Why, uh…Yes,” replied CND.
“I REMEMBER THEIR LEADER, OFFICER NASTY WAS HIS NAME, ASKING ABOUT USING THE MOUNTAIN PASS TO GO TO DESTINY CITY. IS THAT WHERE YOU TWO ARE GOING?”
The northerners answered Cowpie’s question with a nod.
“Well, then we’re going with you.” Said Vien. “You could use our help, considering you guys had to cower under a table at the sight of blood.”
Vien and Cowpie walked back into their love nest and returned with their armor and weapons equipped. The newly formed group exited the mansion, packed up the northerners’ dogsleds, and embarked on their journey to Destiny City to reunite with The Flood’s Salvation.

_________________________________________________ ____

About an hour had passed, and the dusk has already turned to dark. The city seemed even more dangerous without the luxury of clear vision. They noticed a clear street which appeared to lead into a residential area and followed it. There were large stone buildings and abandoned shops on both sides of them and countless piles of rubble. Along the walls of the buildings were the words, “lol #Density” written in red spray-paint. Officer Nasty looked ahead and noticed what seemed like five staggering individuals about 50 yards away. In an attempt to avoid a violent confrontation, he shouted out a simple question: “Are you friendly?” The unknown figures responded with a long, sustained moan as they started to limp towards the group. Officer Nasty directed the group to turn around and begin jogging away, until another bunch of stumbling individuals appeared in their path. “Shit, we’re surrounded!” shouted Hawke.
Officer Nasty frantically searched for an escape route, eventually laying his eyes on an empty store to his left. “Everyone, inside!” he commanded.
The group sprinted towards the store and entered through the broken glass window. Officer Nasty stopped in front of the store, withdrew his revolver, and began firing at the approaching enemies. In response to every bullet, the assailants moaned a sustained “Destinyyyyyyyyy.” Officer Nasty continued to pull the trigger until he heard clicks, notifying him that he’d ran out of ammunition. He tried jumping into the store, but he was grabbed by an enemy. The enemy pulled in the struggling Officer Nasty and groaned into his ear, “Wat class u gon plehhhhhhh,” spraying bloodied spit all over his face. The apparent zombie was about to bite a chunk out of Officer Nasty’s neck, until a solid rock collided with his head, causing him to release his grip. “Get in here, Nasty!” shouted BaconShelf. Officer Nasty vaulted through the open window and wiped the saliva off of his face.
“We are so screwed!” yelled Greene.
The pack of zombies crowded in front of the store and were about to enter the store, until a great ball of flame engulfed the horde. The group began to hear a loud hiss, as if a pressure valve was being released, followed by maniacal laughter. The zombies began to shriek in pain as their flesh melted, causing them to disperse away from the store. The separation of the horde revealed a hooded stranger with a flamethrower attached to his back. “Over here!” commanded the stranger towards the group. They emerged from the store and ran towards their apparent savior. He began directing them towards an open manhole about 20 yards up the street. “You see that manhole? Jump in there and wait for me!” They ran towards the manhole without hesitation and jumped in one by one. They could hear the sounds of zombies screaming in agony and the hooded stranger continue to laugh, as if he enjoyed roasting them with his flamethrower. “Taste my cleansing flame! HAHAHAHA!” exclaimed the stranger as he approached the manhole, threw an incendiary grenade at the remaining horde, and jumped in. The group stared at him with large, surprised eyes as he turned around with a wide grin on his face. He walked in front of them and said, “Follow me.”

Officer Nasty looked back at the group in confusion and shock.
“Where are you taking us?” asked Officer Nasty.
The man continued walking down the candlelit tunnel and replied, “Now’s not the time for questions.”
The group had to jog towards the stranger just to catch up with him, and they unceasingly followed him for a short period of time until they approached a large round boulder blocking the path. The man waved his hand in front of a certain spot on the wall, revealing a keypad, and punched in a combination of numbers. The password was confirmed with a soft tone and the mechanism rolled the boulder into a slot in the wall, revealing a spacious cavern. The cavern was littered with food and drink packages, and contained a group of two identically hooded men and a humanoid robot. One of the men, who was wearing a gold hood compared to the red hoods worn by the others, approached the group.
“Welcome to our home,” he said, as he removed the gold hood and outstretched his hand towards Officer Nasty. “We are the Destiny Purifiers, and I have heard a lot about your group.”

TB · December 21, 2014, 12:47:14 AM

Dopameme · December 21, 2014, 12:48:06 AM

Chapter Six: Meanwhile, at Bungie Palace… (Attack of the Alts)

The inside of Bungie Palace used to be a marvelous sight, until JOHN CENA polluted the outer walls with the aftermath of his meatspin tornado. The royal garden was destroyed and littered with the dead, rotting bodies of the valiant defenders of the Palace. Inside, the architecture of the Palace outmatched any of the other buildings located in Flood City. The first chamber was a vast museum dedicated to the country’s rich history, adorned with portraits of Achronos’s Royal Ninjas and artists’ renditions of major events. Unfortunately, these portraits became desecrated with pictures of JOHN CENA himself, as well as poorly drawn meatspin on some of the Ninja’s faces. Whatever wasn’t covered with meatspin paintings was plastered with dried blood, especially the chamber’s central chandelier, which still contained the hanging bodies of the members involved in K-mart’s rebellion staged weeks before. The second floor was originally planned to house the Ninjas and guests of Achronos, but now they only exist to imprison the surviving Ninjas. The rooms that weren’t converted to prison cells housed the higher-ups of the Alt army, and a single room was reserved as Kiyo’s sex nest. The cells that were designated for the captured Ninjas included True Underdog, Dazarobbo, Bobcast, Foman, and Recon Number 54. However, the cell reserved for Recon Number 54 was empty. Posted around the walls of this floor were Wanted Posters, all describing that:
“WHOEVER FINDS THE TRAITOR, RECON NUMBER 54, DEAD OR ALIVE WILL ACQUIRE KIYO’S SERVICES ALL TO THEMSELVES FOR A WEEK.”
~ JOHN CENA
Recon found a way to escape captivity and flee from the city, but JOHN CENA authorized his bounty hunter, Camnator, and a large group of Alts to search the wasteland of Bungie.

The third and final story of Bungie Palace was specifically reserved as Achronos’s throne room and council chamber. A lush, blue carpet led to a golden throne in the shape of a Seventh Column sitting atop a small flight of stairs. The wall behind the throne had a massive stained glass depiction of Achronos discovering the land that Bungie is built, followed by a scene of each of the cities being constructed, and ending with a prophecy stating that, “In the instance of eventual tyranny, a hero will rise from the masses and restore Bungie to its former glory.”
Various sigils and banners were hanging from the walls, but were inconspicuous compared to all of the JOHN CENA propaganda and meatspin renditions. There was an area in the center of the chamber fenced in with makeshift barriers containing two handcuffed Ninjas, Foman and Bobcast. JOHN CENA was found sitting on Achronos’s throne; Shadows loyally perched on his lap.
“Are you ready for tonight’s show, my love?” said JOHN CENA seductively towards Shadows.
“Oh, baby, you know I always adore your entertainment!”
JOHN CENA lifted his hand towards the awaiting Ninjas and summoned a meatspin tornado inside the barricaded section of the chamber. The two lovers laughed hysterically as the Ninjas scampered about trying to evade the vortex of spinning dongs.
“Look at them run for their pathetic lives! HAHAHAAA!” exclaimed Shadows as she leaned forward due to her excessive laughter.
A messenger Alt emerged from the staircase that leads to the second story appearing anxious, as if he had important news for his overlord.
“My lord!” shouted the messenger across the chamber, causing JOHN CENA to cease his meatspin tornado and leave the two Ninjas gasping for air. He motioned the messenger over to him, and asked Shadows to return to their quarters. The messenger climbed up the stairs and approached JOHN CENA, sweating profusely as he fell to one knee.
“I have word from our informant in the mountain pass,” Said the messenger between large gasps of air as he tried to catch his breath.
“Excellent news, continue,” Replied JOHN CENA.
“He says that he spotted the group you were looking for heading through the mountain pass, and almost took them all out, but was shot. He fled to his hideout outside of Destiny City, and is expecting his payment.”
“Payment? That greedy, delusional asshat!” shouted JOHN CENA angrily. “Tell him that he’ll get his payment when he comes over here and kisses my ass.”
“At once, sire.”
The messenger attempted to stand up and exit the chamber, but JOHN CENA motioned him to stay.
“Wait, I have another message,” said JOHN CENA. “Go to Camnator and tell him that we have a new target, ‘The Flood’s Salvation’, in Destiny City.”
“Yes, my lord.” The messenger replied as he rose to his feet and sprinted out of the chamber, down the stairs, and into Flood City.

Chapter Seven: An Unexpected Proposal

When the man removed his golden hood, Officer Nasty immediately became aware of their current situation. He noticed the man’s glistening bald head, splendidly-styled goatee, and the blue Seventh Column tattooed on his neck, the synonymous way that Achronos marks his Ninjas. This man is the legendary Recon Number 54, the eldest and most seasoned Ninja. However, his face showed protruding wrinkles, and he had a solemn look in his eyes that concerned Officer Nasty.
“Please, do come in,” said Recon. “Relax, socialize, I don’t mind. You don’t have to stand there like a pack of lost puppies!” Recon directed them to the cavern’s living area, where the rest of the Destiny Purifiers were sitting. As they were walking over, Recon put his hand on Officer Nasty’s shoulder and stopped him.
“I would like to speak to you, in private.”
Officer Nasty responded with a nod and followed him into a connecting chamber of the main cavern.

While Recon and Officer Nasty were meeting in a private chamber, the rest of the group approached the sitting Purifiers. Each of them rose to their feet and removed their hoods, revealing their identities. There were two men, a woman, and a humanoid robot. The robot was approximately two feet taller than everyone else and was equipped with a Gatling gun attached to its left arm. It stepped forward and began introducing its group one by one.
“Greetings, friends,” said the robot, who had a surprisingly human-sounding voice. “My name when I was an organic life form was Mr. Psychologist, but everyone here calls me PsychBot.” PsychBot pointed to the flamethrower-wielding member who saved the group from the zombies outside. “This is Napalm, our fire and explosives expert.” He then points to a grizzled, muscular man with a katana sheathed from his waist. “This is GrandmasterNinja, our melee weapons expert.” Finally, PsychBot points to the woman, who had short hair, a small frame, and a sniper rifle around her shoulder. “And this is our newest member, Daisy, our firearms specialist.” The Flood’s Salvation began to sound off their names one by one and eventually sat down with the Purifiers. “You people don’t look like you belong here at all,” asked GrandmasterNinja. “Where you from?”
“Flood City,” Answered Smiggles, as she began to take interest in him.
“Ah, I’ve never met a Floodian before,” said Napalm. “Why are you guys all the way out here?”
“Well, we’re planning on invading Bungie Palace and kill JOHN CENA once and for all.” Answered Hawke. “Our plan is to find a plane located in the city’s hangar and infiltrate the Palace from above.”
Hawke glared at GrandmasterNinja indignantly as he began to laugh hysterically. “What’s so funny?” questioned Hawke in a defensive tone.
“Your plan!” exclaimed GrandmasterNinja as he continued to cackle. “Do you really think you people can just walk out of here and fetch yourselves a plane? This city is a goddamn warzone filled with bloodthirsty zombies! You wouldn’t last five minutes!”
“Shut it, GrandmasterNinja,” said Daisy as she pushed him on the shoulder.
“You know he’s right,” said Napalm. “These Floodians aren’t fit for battle. Hell, they don’t even have weapons.”
PsychBot stepped in and ceased the debate.
“Which is why we are going to help them,” suggested PsychBot. “The nukes destroyed our homes and our livelihoods, and we want JOHN CENA dead just as much as they do.” PsychBot walked away for a minute and returned with a large crate of supplies. “Here, each of you can take a weapon and supplies from here. We’ll accompany you to the hangar once we get the green light from Recon.”

The chamber that Officer Nasty and Recon were speaking in was relatively compact, containing a small desk with a computer, two chairs, and a closed cabinet in the wall behind the desk. Officer Nasty stood in the entrance of the room as he watched Recon slowly shuffle around the desk and struggle to sit down. He was in obvious pain, which began to concern Officer Nasty even more. Recon motioned Officer Nasty to sit as he started to stroke his magnificent goatee in preparation of the discussion. He folded his hands on the desk and asked, “Did you receive my message?”
Officer Nasty leaned his head back and pondered for a second. He remembered Pureey, the shell-shocked messenger who fainted outside of the mountain pass, and the envelope containing burnt toast.
“Yes, I did…” said Officer Nasty with a hint of confusion in his voice. “But why was the message a slice of toast?”
Recon continued to caress his fabulous goatee and said, “I understand your confusion. Usually, toast in an envelope is sent to a potential lover, but you must not have noticed that I burned the toast, which signifies an urgent problem.”
Officer Nasty displayed that he understood with a nod, but he really had no clue what Recon was talking about.
“Okay, so, what’s the problem?”
“Well, as you can see, I am no longer fit for combat,” said Recon as he points to the heavy wrinkles on his body. “I was captured by JOHN CENA and found a way to escape, but when the nukes fell, the radiation has somehow accelerated my aging process. Every day that passes I feel weaker, which is why I called you here.” Recon spun around in his chair and faced the cabinet behind him. With a few twists of the combination lock keeping it closed, he unlocked the cabinet and opened it, revealing a vicious Warhammer. “I feel it is time that I step down, and you take my place as leader of the Destiny Purifiers,” said Recon, as he twisted back around and laid the hammer on the desk in front of Officer Nasty. His heart began to race as he realized what was happening. “I know of your plan to kill JOHN CENA, and I will tell you how.” said Recon. “First, you must learn the ancient magic of muting.”
“Muting? I thought that power was reserved only to Ninjas and Achronos himself?”
“Nonsense, my friend, we Ninjas are mortals just like you, but with advanced training, weaponry, and enchantments.”
Officer Nasty was surprised to hear this information, as he had always thought Ninjas were immortal and superior to average citizens in every way.
“How do I learn the magic of muting?”
Recon reached into his desk, pulled out a map, and handed it to him. There was a location marked in the mountains just outside of Destiny City.
“The marked destination on this map leads to a settlement on Mount Infinity which is inhabited by a small group of sages, who have been alive ever since Bungie was first discovered by Achronos. The sage you want to speak with is Silent Bob, the inventor of muting magic.” Recon gave Officer Nasty the map and pushed his banhammer closer to him. “Take my banhammer, you will need its power.” Officer Nasty placed the map in his pocket and clenched the mighty banhammer.
“What about my friends?” questioned Officer Nasty.
“I’m afraid you’ll have to accomplish this task alone. Don’t worry, they’ll be safe here.”

Recon arose from his chair and followed Officer Nasty out of the chamber and into the main cavern, where the awaiting members were attempting to ask Recon for permission to aid the Flood’s Salvation in their task. Before they could speak, Officer Nasty turned to Recon and asked, “I don’t understand, why have you chosen me?”
Recon chuckled to himself and said, “Because it is the will of the prophecy, my friend.” Officer Nasty had no idea what Recon was talking about again, but he decided not to question his motives. He approached the group and gave each of them a strong hug. “I’m sorry, but you guys have to stay here,” he commanded. “These people will keep you safe.”
“Where are you going?” asked BaconShelf. Officer Nasty looked at Recon to see if he should tell them, but he shook his head. “Don’t worry about it,” he replied. “I’ll be back soon.”
He gave his last farewells to his friends before he turned to the exit, pushed the large stone door open, and embarked on his quest to Mount Infinity.

rC · December 21, 2014, 12:48:24 AM

There's no graphic sex. That's what makes any story worth reading. 2/10

Dopameme · December 21, 2014, 12:48:35 AM

Chapter Eight: Fight or Flight

It’s been four hours since the dysfunctional group of Northerners, alien lovers, and an extremely insane Rampant left Gatsby’s mansion for Destiny City. One dogsled contained the northerners and Rampant tied down to the boxes of maple syrup, and the other had Cowpie with Vien hugging him from behind. They remained on the outer edges of the mountains which used to be a vast, open prairie, but were converted to a sea of brown, dead grass due to the nukes. There was only a sliver of the sun poking out from the horizon, limiting their amount of daylight left to reach the city. Some time passed until the sun completely set below the horizon, causing the orange dusk to slowly disappear and the darkness of night to increase its pace. Vien noticed a silhouette of buildings in the distance, notifying him that they were near. He ordered the group to halt, and they obeyed.
“I think we should set up camp here for the night, and enter the city tomorrow morning.” Vien suggested. The rest of the group looked at Vien perplexingly, since they were expecting to continue on their journey without any stops.
“Why would we stop now, eh?” questioned CND. “The city is less than a few miles away.”
Vien stepped off of his dogsled and started unloading the camping supplies. “You must not be familiar with Destiny City, then,” He said.
“What do you mean by that, eh?” asked TBlocks as he grabbed a jar of maple syrup from his pack.
Vien placed a crate on the ground and sat on it, preparing himself to explain his command.
“This area of Bungie has always been a warzone. Before the city was renamed to Destiny City, it was known as Reach. The Ninjas there were always under constant pressure as the fighting and arguing intensified day in and day out and eventually decided to abandon the city. Achronos decided to change the name to ‘Destiny City’ in an attempt to attract tourists and hopefully stop the arguments about Reach, but nothing has changed.”
CND and TBlocks glanced at each other with confusion and uncertainty. TBlocks took a gulp of maple syrup and said, “What does that have to do with us now, eh?”
Vien used a second to catch his breath and continued.
“When the nukes fell, the unruly citizens of Destiny City didn’t react well with the radiation, and have turned into mindless, bloodthirsty zombies. I lost an entire pack of Sangheili to them, and I’m not going to risk your safety, either.”
“OH VIEN, YOU ARE SO ROMANTIC!” Cowpie began to sniffle and embraced Vien with a giant hug, while the northerners set up their tent.

The darkness had settled over Bungie, and everyone was sound asleep, except for CND, because he was on ‘Rampant Duty.’ Cowpie and Vien shared a tent, while TBlocks slept in the other and CND sat outside holding on to Rampant by his leash. He didn’t really mind being on Rampant Duty; this allowed him to lie down, gaze at the stars, and soothe himself with the blissful silence of nature. Rampant was uncharacteristically calm, even though the alcohol had worn off hours ago, meaning that he’s adapted to his insane state of mind. CND took a long breath from his nose and immediately sensed something unnatural about the scent. He smelled a strong, horrid stench, as if someone was burning a plant of some sort. He began to hear faint voices in the distance and immediately became worried, as he pulled Rampant into TBlocks tent with him in fear. The commotion caused TBlocks to wake up, and in a drowsy condition, he asked, “What’s going on, eh?”
CND shushed him as the voices became louder and the horrendous stench became stronger. With the increasing stench, Rampant’s eyes turned bloodshot red and he started foaming from the mouth. Eventually, they were able to hear a conversation between multiple people.
“Do you think there are thug cops in these tents, Camnator?”
“Maybe there’s booty and nugtella in there!”
“God dammit, will you incoherent bastards shut up?”
“The only one who’s incoherent is yourself.”
“I knew I shouldn’t have wasted my precious cannabis on you idiots.”
There was silence for a minute, until it was discontinued by the sound of a flicking lighter. All of a sudden, a lit cannabis grenade rolled into the tent, which caused them to vault outside, leading to a group of four armed Alts and Camnator, who had his Cannabis Cannon wielded and primed to fire. Vien and Cowpie were on the opposite side, and they were under capture as well. They were able to discern Camnator’s bright green armor and the symbol of JOHN CENA on his chest, which was a hairy dong.
“All of you, get on your knees, or forever become doomed to incoherency!” exclaimed Camnator, as he aimed the Cannabis Cannon at the captured group. They all followed his orders and dropped to their knees, but CND kept his grip on Rampant’s leash as his foaming intensified.
“What are you guys doing all the way out here?” questioned Camnator. “Shouldn’t you be at home? Or, are you looking for someone?”
“WE’RE JUST TRAVELERS, YOUR HONOR,” said Cowpie. “I SWEAR.”
“Oh, is that right? He says otherwise.”
Camnator turned and pointed in the direction of one of his Alts, who pushed a handcuffed Gatsby onto the floor next to them. Gatsby glanced at the group and pleaded, “I’m sorry, guys, I told them everything. They threatened to kill me!”
“Come on, you look like a reasonable fellow, eh,” said TBlocks, as he rose to his feet and offered his hand to Camnator. “Can’t we just talk about this?”
Camnator glared into his eyes for a moment, grabbed his hand, and pulled him closer, followed by a knee to the gut. TBlocks let out a cry of pain as he bellowed over on the floor.
“Now, who’s going to tell me where the Flood’s Salvation is in Destiny City?”
Rampant began to make barking noises at Camnator, spewing foam all around him. He was becoming increasingly insane, and CND was struggling to hold onto his leash. Camnator strutted over to Rampant and peered into his eyes. “I know you from somewhere…”
Camnator pulled a joint out of his pocket, lit it, and took a toke, which immediately strengthened his memory. “That’s right; you were in the club the night of JOHN CENA’s attack! I should’ve killed you while I had the chance!”
CND noticed Vien subtly moving his head trying to get his attention. He moved his mandibles in the form of the words, “Let go,” and CND nodded his head.
“Hey, mister, it seems my friend doesn’t like you very much, eh!” said CND as he let go of Rampant’s leash, allowing him to sprint towards Camnator with exceptional quickness. Before Camnator could react, Rampant tackled him and began biting and clawing at him in a furious rage. Cowpie stood up and charged at Camnator’s Alts, while Vien used this distraction to jump into his tent and equip his energy sword, and the two northerners jumped behind their crates of maple syrup and hid as the brawl ensued. Cowpie incinerated an Alt with his fuel rod cannon, before two more leaped on top of him and took him off his feet. Vien approached the downed lekgolo and sliced his two assailants with his energy sword, instantly killing both of them. Camnator managed to strike Rampant’s face hard enough to get him off of him and rose to his feet, only to realize that he had two Alts left and was outnumbered. The badly wounded Camnator reached into his utility belt of Cannabis supplies and withdrew a smoke bomb. He threw it on the ground, creating a thick cloud of smoke to form in front of him, and ran off with his Alts.

Cowpie went to Gatsby and broke him free from his handcuffs, while the northerners peeked over their syrup wall and realized the fighting stopped. Rampant lied on the ground and was apparently unconscious from the blow dealt by Camnator. “Who was that, eh?” asked TBlocks.
“That’s Camnator, one of JOHN CENA’s most powerful allies,” replied Vien as he helped Gatsby to his feet. “It’s going to be morning soon, let’s get packed up and ready to venture into the city. It won’t be long before Camnator has reinforcements.”
They began to roll up their tents and pack up supplies, and they agreed to bring Gatsby along with them. CND walked over to Rampant and grabbed his leash, giving it a few tugs to see if he could wake him, but to no avail. He gently kicked Rampant a few times, followed by saying, “Come on, buddy, it’s time to get up!”
Rampant slowly opened his eyes and rolled on his back, revealing his cleared expression to CND. His eyes were no longer bloodshot, and the foaming and incoherence had seemed to cease. Rampant gradually opened his mouth, uttering the words, “What happened…”

Dopameme · December 21, 2014, 12:49:09 AM

Chapter Nine: The Trek to Mount Infinity

Officer Nasty emerged from the manhole leading to the Destiny Purifiers’s hideout and was introduced with the smell of burning flesh; ash filled the air, making it difficult to breathe. The store where they were pinned down was charred beyond repair, and small flames were found along the street. Zombified survivors of Napalm’s flames were found clawing themselves across the ground, struggling with their scorched limbs to find traction. The live ones noticed Officer Nasty’s presence and revealed their skinless faces as they moaned and hissed at him. He walked around the grounded zombies and proceeded to the outskirts of Destiny City.
Officer Nasty noticed the sun peeking out from behind the mountains as he departed from Destiny City. He figured that the only way to find Mount Infinity was to head back into the Mountain Pass and find another pathway in the forest. The large billboard advertising the city came into view, which notified him that the mountain pass was only a short distance away. As he approached the narrow pass into the forest, he took one last view of the Destiny City skyline and noticed something moving rapidly in the corner of his eye. He turned to his left and discerned a massive Lekgolo and a Sangheili huddled on a zooming dogsled, followed by four others on another dogsled, entering the far side of the city. “Huh, that’s odd,” he uttered to himself as he turned around, pushed the tree branches away from his path, and entered into the dark mountain pass.
Officer Nasty ascended the long slope into the heart of the pass and saw a cut rope and a small pool of blood on the forest floor. He instantly flashed back to visions of getting yanked off of his feet; smashing his head on a rock and watching a crazed man wearing a burlap sack over his head terrorize his friends. This time around, however, he was more attentive to his surroundings, there was no way he’d let an enemy catch him off guard again. Due to this increased attentiveness, he noticed a small wooden sign shaped into an arrow with “This way to Mount Infinity” inscribed on it. The sign pointed to a windy pathway uphill that was even narrower than the main pass. Officer Nasty followed this path for what felt like an eternity, as it tested him physically and mentally beyond anything he had ever attempted before, until he made it to an open plateau with the path continuing more into the forest. Despite the physical hardship, he enjoyed basking in the sheer beauty of this forest that was somehow exempt from the nukes’ destruction. However, avoiding packs of wild moa and foxes were a challenge among others. As Officer Nasty was about to continue into the path, he heard a rustling coming from the forest. He reached for the hilt of the banhammer strapped around his back and wielded it, feeling the power of the Ninjas course through his body. The rustling became louder, and the ground beneath him shook with every step this apparent giant took towards him. The rustling ceased, and a massive, strange beast emerged from the forest. He had green skin and a fat, round face, and closely resembled a mutated human. “Halt, human!” exclaimed the beast in a grand, low-pitched voice. “If you wish to visit Mount Infinity, you must first go through me!”
Officer Nasty lowered his banhammer and asked, “Who, or what, are you?”
“I am love, I am life. I am Shrek.”
Officer Nasty instantly remembered what he used to see every day in Flood City. Located in the center of the city, there was the “Church of Shrek,” which prophesized of a day when a gigantic green ogre would conquer the country of Bungie. They would have scribes at every street corner preaching the word of Shrek, and were known for their famous words, “The #shrekoning is upon us.” However, nobody really believed such a thing ever existed, since a story of a magical ogre living in the deep forest of the mountains usually doesn’t pass over well among the common citizen.
“In order for you to proceed, you must defeat me in battle,” said Shrek. “Many have tried before you, but none have succeeded.”
Shrek let out a deafening roar which blew the leaves off of all the nearby trees, which prompted Officer Nasty to raise his banhammer.
“I will defeat you, vermin, whether you believe so or not!” exclaimed Officer Nasty.
He raised the banhammer above his head and charged at the massive ogre, only to receive a smack from its hand, sending him flying across the grassy opening. He hit the ground hard, losing his banhammer as it rolled away from him.
“HueHueHueHue..” chuckled the monstrous Shrek. “You don’t stand a chance, puny human. It’s time for you to get #shreked!”
Officer Nasty jumped to his feet, withdrew his .44 magnum, and fired six shots into the ogre. Followed by every hit was a yelp of pain, until Officer Nasty had to reload, which allowed the ogre to bellow towards him like a charging bull. He evaded the ogre’s charge as he rumbled into a group of trees which halted his course and dazed him. Officer Nasty found his stray banhammer on the ground near him, ran towards the confused Shrek, and took a mighty swing at his legs. The impact from the blunt, golden head of the banhammer took Shrek off his feet, creating a loud thump as he crashed on the ground. He continued to deliver blow after blow into the ogre as it writhed in pain.
“Do you submit?” questioned Officer Nasty, as he held the banhammer above Shrek’s head.
Shrek slowly turned his bloodied face to the awaiting Officer Nasty and groaned, “If you do not kill me, the #shrekoning will consume you…”
“So be it.”
Officer Nasty approached Shrek’s head and laid the blunt end of the banhammer on top of it. He gripped the hilt with two hands, raised it high in the air, and let out a scream of fury as he struck down on Shrek’s cranium. As the banhammer connected with Shrek, a jolt of electricity surged through the entire weapon, which passed into the body of Shrek, causing him to vanish into thin air.

All of a sudden, a crowd of sages emerged from the forest around him, all appearing identical in nature. They were adorned with bright white robes with golden seventh-columns stitched into them. Officer Nasty responded to their emergence by jumping into a defensive position and saying, “What the hell is going on here?”
One of the sages stepped forward and said, “Congratulations, noble warrior, for you have banned the mighty Shrek.” He motioned Officer Nasty closer to him with his hand as he continued, “You have earned your way into Mount Infinity. Follow us.” The sages began walking into a narrow pathway, and Officer Nasty followed closely behind them. They eventually made it to a set of pearly white gates, and the sages all turned to Officer Nasty. “You will find The Silent One in the temple constructed from diamonds,” said one of the sages. “You will pass his trials, learn the art of Muting, return to your friends, and you will destroy JOHN CENA once and for all.”
Officer Nasty looked at the sage with wide eyes and a perplexed expression. “How did you…”
“We work in mysterious ways,” responded the sage, interrupting Officer Nasty. “Good luck.”
The sages slowly vanished into the forest and left Officer Nasty alone in front of Mount Infinity. As he approached the magnificent gates, they gradually opened with the aid of unknown forces. The open gate revealed a cobblestone path, leading to a large diamond staircase with the temple of Silent Bob at the top.

nͫiͤcͫeͤ · December 21, 2014, 12:49:21 AM

it needs more gay dragons

Dopameme · December 21, 2014, 12:49:57 AM

Chapter Ten: Taken

The Flood’s Salvation sat in The Destiny Purifier’s dimly lit cavern and sifted through the box of weaponry provided by PsychBot, while GrandmasterNinja and Napalm were conversing with Recon. Greene found a standard M9 pistol and protective clothing; Smiggles taking the more direct approach with an aluminum baseball bat. Hawke grabbed an AK-47 and BaconShelf equipped a double-barreled shotgun, and they both were adorned in light combat armor, similar to Daisy’s. Greene saw Daisy sitting alone in the corner of the chamber polishing her rifle, approached her, and sat down next to her. She looked at Daisy with curious eyes and asked, “You’re Daisy, right?”
She glanced at Greene and responded with a quick nod before continuing to her rifle.
“PsychBot said you’re new here, where are you from?”
“I lived in a mansion near the mountains for a long time,” answered Daisy, as she rested her rifle on her lap. “It was okay, I was in a loving relationship with a pretty decent guy, it’s just…I didn’t want to be sheltered anymore.”
Greene looked away from Daisy for a moment as she recalled passing through the mansion in front of the mountain pass, where she had met the strange northerners. “You wouldn’t happen to be talking about Gatsby’s mansion, would you?”
“That’s right…” Daisy answered with hesitation. “Gatsby is a good man, but he was too protective. I wanted to venture out into the world and make a positive impact, and when the nukes fell, I got that opportunity.”

As Greene and Daisy continued their conversation, GrandmasterNinja, Napalm, and PsychBot were letting Recon know of their plan.
“They believe that there’s still a plane intact at the hangar,” said GrandmasterNinja. “I feel that they won’t stand a chance alone.”
“According to my calculations, the chances of them surviving are slim to none.” PsychBot stated.
Recon stroked his glorious beard earnestly, as he seemed to be unexpectedly joyful.
“I am glad you men-“ PsychBot gave Recon a reassuring expression. “Men, and robot, are taking the initiative and helping our allies,” said Recon.
“Hell, it’s the least we could do,” said Napalm. “I would rather fight by their side than burn them to ashes when they become zombified.”
“Then it is decided,” said Recon. “Escort them to the hangar, and make sure they all come back safe. The Chosen One will be back soon.”
GrandmasterNinja nodded and motioned the Flood’s Salvation over to them. They grabbed their newly acquired weapons and armor and gathered in front of Recon. Daisy slung her rifle around her back and stood away from the rest of the group. Hawke stepped forward and asked, “You guys are actually going to help us?”
“Indeed,” responded Psychbot.
Recon lifted his head towards the ceiling, clasped his hands together, and closed his eyes, apparently readying himself for some sort of prayer. “By the power of Achronos and the Septagon, bless these soldiers in their fight against tyranny, and bless the Chosen One in his sacred journey.” He opened his eyes and gave a salute as he allowed the group to head to the exit. Before BaconShelf reached the door, he asked, “Where is Officer Nasty, anyway?”
Recon produced a wide grin and answered, “He’s fulfilling his Destiny.”
BaconShelf raised his eyebrows at Recon and turned to the door. He passed through, grabbed the large steel handle, and pulled it shut.

The group each emerged from the manhole one by one, the last one out sliding the cover back over the hole. The fires caused by Napalm had all died out, but the rancid smell of burnt flesh was still lingering in the air. GrandmasterNinja peered down the lengthy street which led into the heart of the city and turned back to the group. “From this point on, everyone will have to be as silent as possible. Any loud noises will be picked up by a horde, and we’ll get screwed,” he commanded. “Understand?”
They all responded with a collective nod and followed him as he walked lightly down the barren street.

Rusted cars and garbage were randomly dispersed within the street, and the view of abandoned storefronts on both sides allowed them to reminisce of a once vibrant city. However, seeing the stores defaced with graffiti containing advertisements such as, “w4rl0ck mu5st4rd r1c3” and “j01n mai cl4n pl0x,” reminded them that they were in hostile territory. They were able to navigate through the cluttered street successfully, until GrandmasterNinja halted them in their tracks. He pointed to a massive, rectangular structure ahead, which was covered with rusted sheet metal. “That’s the hangar,” he whispered. “Keep up the good work.”

The road appeared to widen as they approached an open area, all paved in concrete. There were buildings sparsely located in the distance, and the hangar became clear in sight. PsychBot turned to Daisy and motioned her towards a two story house with an open window facing the hangar, suggesting that she hold up in there. The rest of the group continued towards the hangar and hurried their pace as they got closer and closer, catching Smiggles off guard. She was looking around and taking in the beautiful view of the sunlight kissing the mountain tops in the distance, until she realized the rest of the group was a ways ahead of her. “Ah, crap,” she muttered to herself as she began jogging towards them. She was so focused on the group in front of her that she didn’t notice an inconspicuous pothole coming, which caught her right foot. Her foot sank into the pothole and twisted her ankle inwards, sending a jolt of pain through her body as she collapsed to the floor. The crashing sound of Smiggles colliding into the floor caught the group’s attention, and she let out a cry of pain. Greene was the first to meet the ailing Smiggles, tending to her swelled ankle. “Come on, Smiggles,” Greene insisted. “We have to stay quiet!”
An ominous moan filled the air and stopped everyone in their tracks. The moan echoed through the crowded city, and became increasingly more audible with the passing seconds. GrandmasterNinja grabbed Smiggles and hoisted her on his shoulder. “Come on, we have to go!” he commanded. They began running with GrandmasterNinja and the injured Smiggles towards the hangar, but were stopped by the sight of an unfamiliar enemy. Camnator and a group of 10 of his assless Alts emerged from behind the hangar and aimed their Cannabis Blasters at them. “Stop right there!” exclaimed Camnator. “Take another step, and I will botch all of your lobotomies!” Hawke and BaconShelf were immediately reminded of Camnator’s ability when they remembered the night in the club, and began shaking in fear.
“Now, you will all lay down your weapons, and I will bring you JOHN CENA so he can have his way with you.” Said Camnator.
Napalm raised his flamethrower at Camnator, causing him to respond by aim his Cannabis Cannon at them. “Who do you think you are, punk?” asked Napalm.
Camnator laughed confidently as he answered, “I am Camnator, master of Cannabis and Booty. I reckon you put down your weapon before I-“
As Camnator was finishing his sentence, he looked out into the distance behind the group in horror. They turned around and laid their eyes upon a colossal horde of zombies limping towards them. PsychBot looked at the building where Daisy was holding up and screamed, “Fire!” Daisy responded by firing a bullet at Camnator, connecting with the armor on his shoulder. Camnator winced in pain as he dropped his Cannabis Cannon, and ordered his Alts to fire at the group. “We need to split up, now!” commanded Napalm, as he pointed to a group of stone barricades to their left. GrandmasterNinja carried Smiggles over to the barrier and was followed by Greene, Hawke, and BaconShelf, while PsychBot and Napalm rushed behind an abandoned shack to their right.

“You concentrate your fire on the Alts,” commanded Napalm, “and we’ll focus on the Zombies!” PsychBot readied his mini-gun, and sprayed a blanket of bullets into the oncoming horde, tearing individual zombies apart. The whirring sound of the spinning barrels continued as Napalm tossed an incendiary grenade towards the horde, setting a mass of them ablaze. “Hahaha! Filthy mongrels!” exclaimed PsychBot as he continued raining bullets into the horde. Daisy was picking off zombies one by one with precision, causing a bloody explosion with each headshot. All of a sudden, a stray zombie ambushed her from behind and sank its teeth into her right shoulder. She screamed in agony as the zombie ripped a chunk of flesh from her shoulder with its teeth. It collapsed on top of her and, with a raspy voice, hissed “u wil jo1n mai cl4nnnnnn.” Daisy reached into her waist and found her knife, which she used to stab the zombie in between the eyes. Napalm saw Daisy writhing in her own pool of blood atop her post and screamed in fury. The whirring of PsychBot’s mini-gun ceased as he realized he was out of ammo and said “Looks like we’ll have to get our hands dirty, Napalm!” PsychBot charged toward a pack of three zombies and knocked them all to the ground, following with individual curb stomps for each fallen foe. Napalm’s flamethrower whooshed as he spread his fire across the horde. PsychBot continued bashing each oncoming zombie in the skull, popping their heads like melons, until he was overrun and taken off of his feet. Rampant was about to go aid him, but he noticed two strange objects fast approaching. It was the dogsleds containing the Northerners, Rampant, Gatsby, Vien, and Cowpie. They zoomed their dogsleds into the horde, splattering all the zombies that came into contact with them. “Looks like you could use some assistance!” shouted Vien as he hopped off his dogsled, withdrew his energy sword, and sliced a zombie in half. Cowpie blasted the zombies on top of PsychBot with his fuel rod cannon, allowing him to get back on his feet. CND grabbed a jar of maple syrup and smashed it on a zombies head, followed by him saying “Get #Supported, eh!” Rampant slowly walked off the dogsled and looked over the oncoming horde. TBlocks tapped Rampant on the shoulder and said, “Hey now would be a good time to go rampant, eh!”
“That’s my secret,” said Rampant as he turned to TBlocks, revealing his eyes becoming increasingly red and foam bubbling in his mouth. “I’m always rampant.” He let out a ferocious battle cry and sprinted towards the zombies, pummeling them with impressive strength. One by one, the zombies were victimized by Rampant’s amazing strength and agility. Gatsby noticed his dear Daisy agonizing in pain and immediately sprinted towards her. Tears began to flood his vision and he started crying hysterically as he kneeled down next to her. “I’m going to get you out of here!” exclaimed Gatsby as he tried applying pressure to Daisy’s bite wound on her shoulder. “It’s…no use…” she said, as she gripped Gatsby’s hand. He continued sobbing and choking on his own tears as he tried to stop the bleeding, but blood continued to rush out of her protruding wound.
“Kill me, Gatsby…So I don’t…Turn into one of them…”
She slid her rifle next to the kneeling Gatsby, but he pushed it aside.
“No Daisy, I can’t do it!”
“Please, my love…put me out…of my misery…” Daisy coughed up blood and her eyes widened as she began to accept her fate. Her vision was blurred immensely from tears, but she was able to make out a mysterious figure in black robes next to Gatsby that didn’t seem to exist for him. She recognized the figure as Disembodied Soul, Bungie’s grim reaper. She reached out her hand towards Disembodied Soul and whispered, “I’m ready…”
Gatsby grabbed her rifle, stood up, and aimed it at her head.
“I’m sorry, my love,” muttered Gatsby. A loud bang echoed through the sound of the ensuing battle, followed by Gatsby screaming in sadness and collapsing to his knees.

Meanwhile, Camnator and his Alts were pounding the group’s protective barriers with their Cannabis Blasters. Hawke perched over the barrier and fired at the Alts, but did not connect with any. He ducked back down behind cover and noticed BaconShelf was shivering in fear. “I can’t d-d-do this…” said BaconShelf with obvious fear in his voice. Hawke grabbed BaconShelf by the shirt collar, pulled him closer, and exclaimed, “Listen, BaconShelf, it’s time to fight! I’ll watch your back!” GrandmasterNinja glared at the cowering BaconShelf and rolled his eyes in disgust. “Cover me, Hawke. I’m going to show you how a real man fights!” exclaimed GrandmasterNinja as he pulled out his pistol with one hand and his katana with the other. He leaped over the barrier and evaded fire from the Alts, as Hawke and Greene shot at them, providing a window of opportunity for him. He rolled in between two Alts and blasted one in the chest with his pistol, while he whipped around and sliced the other, removing its head. “Focus your fire at the barriers!” shouted Camnator. “I’ll deal with this squirt.” Camnator dropped his Cannabis Cannon and unsheathed a mighty sword. His sword’s hilt was in the shape on a cannabis plant, and the blade was as sharp as GrandmasterNinja had ever seen. As the two warriors dueled, the Alts charged towards the barriers where Hawke, BaconShelf, Greene, and the ailing Smiggles were covered. Hawke tried to continue firing rounds at them, but he was hit by a Cannabis Blaster, which gave him a false sense of euphoria. BaconShelf grabbed his shotgun and attempted to fire, but was overwhelmed by two Alts hurdling over the barrier and striking him to the ground. The rest of the Alts piled over the barrier and focused their attention on Greene and Smiggles. Greene tried to fend them off but to no avail, allowing the Alts to blast them with cannabis and subdue them. BaconShelf rose to his feet and tried reaching for his shotgun, but was met with a strike from the butt of an Alt’s blaster to the face. He fell back on the floor in a dazed state, and Hawke was lying on the floor, still incoherent from the inflicted cannabis wound. The Alts grabbed the girls, hogtied them, and dragged them towards the hangar, where Camnator’s transport was. “Go to the booty racers!” commanded Camnator, as he ducked under a sword swipe and retaliated with an elbow to GrandmasterNinja’s gut. He pulled out a Cannabis grenade and threw it on the ground, creating a thick, concealing smoke screen which allowed him to escape. GrandmasterNinja noticed that Camnator ran from the fight and that the zombie horde was taken care of, so he doubled back to the barriers. He hopped over and found out that Greene and Smiggles were missing. He grabbed Hawke, slapped him out of his incoherency, and asked, “Where are the girls?” The sound of a starting car alerted them, and they saw Camnator and his Alts drive away with Greene and Smiggles in captivity.

Dopameme · December 21, 2014, 12:50:25 AM

Chapter Eleven: Powers Vested Within
Officer Nasty passed through the pearly gates and gazed upon Silent Bob’s temple in astonishment. The diamond structure glistened in the sunlight, coupled with a magnificent statue of Achronos on the front of the roof. The pure silence of this serene paradise brought a chill down his spine. A cobblestone path with assorted shrubbery on each side led to a large staircase preceding the temple. As Officer Nasty began walking towards the stairs, he noticed that there were a group of marble tiles grouped with the cobblestone, each containing the name of a Ninja engraved in them. What was really peculiar was that all the engraved tiles circled around one single tile, which was left blank. He thought nothing of it and started climbing the hulking staircase, one step at a time. His hamstrings tightened with each step up, as the stairs differed about two feet each in height, followed by heavy breaths. After 15 minutes of struggling to climb the flight of stairs, Officer Nasty finally reached the apex and faced a pair of massive, wooden double doors.

Before he could approach the doors, they opened by themselves, revealing two bearded sages who were similar to the ones that appeared after his battle with Shrek. They shared the same pure white robes, but instead of gold seventh columns stitched into them, they were bright blue. Golden necklaces hung around their necks, containing a large “7” pendant. One of the sages stepped forward and opened his arms in a welcoming manner towards Officer Nasty. “We’ve been expecting you, Chosen One. I am Elder DeeJ,” said the sage as he pointed towards his identical counterpart. “And this is Elder Stosh. Please, come in.” Elder DeeJ and Stosh seemed to be completely in sync as they turned around and walked back into the temple. Officer Nasty followed them into the temple and heard the doors magically shut behind him.

The inside of the temple was the most glorious thing he had ever seen. Marble pillars connected the floor tiles with the roof above, which was adorned with beautiful oil paintings. Flickering torches were found cast on the walls, seemingly keeping the temple with light with no signs of burning out. Elder DeeJ turned back around, faced Officer Nasty, and said, “You may leave your weapons with Elder Stosh, for you won’t need them beyond this point.” Officer Nasty withdrew his revolver, grabbed his banhammer, and handed them to the awaiting Elder. “Now, it is time for you to meet Silent Bob,” said Elder DeeJ as he began walking down the hallway leading to a main chamber. Officer Nasty was about to raise his voice and speak, but he was immediately shushed by Elder Stosh. “You may not speak in the presence of Silent Bob,” commanded Elder Stosh, as he stowed Officer Nasty’s belongings in a large, diamond-studded wooden chest. “Not until he has connected with him, of course,” chimed Elder DeeJ. “Time is fleeting, Chosen One.” Officer Nasty followed him into a surprisingly large, empty chamber, containing only a stone throne against the wall. Sitting upon the throne was a sage identically clothed like the other Elders, but this one appeared to be considerably older. He had a long, flowing gray beard which touched the floor, and he sat hunched over a wobbling cane in his right hand. The fossil of a man locked eyes with Officer Nasty once he walked into the room, and did not blink or remove his gaze.

Elder DeeJ strutted towards Silent Bob, bowed, and stood to the right of him. “You must approach Silent Bob and lay your thumb on his forehead,” said Elder DeeJ, “For that is the only way he can communicate with mortals.” Officer Nasty gave him a look of confusion, but decided not to question his methods. He slowly trudged towards the seated Silent Bob, kneeled in front of him, and placed his thumb on his wrinkled forehead. He felt a cold rush flow through his hand and into his body, freezing him still. His vision blackened for a couple seconds, until he awoke lying face up on a lush patch of grass, facing a clear, beautiful sky. He quickly sat up in a state of panic and felt his heart race as he realized he had no idea what happened. His panic ceased when he spotted Silent Bob approaching him, seemingly hovering inches off of the ground.

“Relax, Chosen One,” Said Silent Bob in a deep, unexpectedly powerful voice.
“Where am I?” asked Officer Nasty as he rose to his feet, tending to his head as he was experiencing a painful headache. They were standing on a small, grassy island surrounded by crystal clear waters, a paradise unlike Officer Nasty had ever seen before.
“You are in the realm that I have created for myself,” answered Silent Bob. “When I invented the magic of Muting, I found out the hard way that my voice within your physical realm would be altered forever, thus rendering it too powerful for mortal ears. I am confined within this realm for eternity, and I have put this time to good use by teaching a less powerful way of muting to those that are worthy.”
“I don’t understand…Why have you chosen me?” asked Officer Nasty. “I am just a simpleton, who has never accounted for anything during my life.”
Silent Bob clasped his hands together, closed his eyes, and slowly spread his hands apart, evidently opening a window into another dimension. This window revealed JOHN CENA sitting on Achronos’s throne with Shadows on his lap. Behind JOHN CENA was the mural of the prophecy, depicted on stained glass which stretched across the back wall of the palace.
“The prophecy states that a powerful tyrant will emerge and usurp the throne from Achronos, raining fire from the sky and creating havoc amongst your peaceful country.” Silent Bob continued to explain as his window slowly slid through each scene of the painting. “But, an average citizen will emerge from the masses, gather a ragtag group of friends, and embark on an epic journey to cleanse Bungie of this impurity.” Silent Bob closed the window to Officer Nasty’s realm and opened his eyes.
“You must accept that you are the Chosen One, and you must fulfill your prophecy.”

Officer Nasty felt a rush of excitement flow through his body, as he began to realize that he has the chance to make something of his life. Even though he had spent most of his days meandering around in Flood City, participating in meaningless arguments and activities, he now has the chance to become a true hero. The hero he had always dreamed of.
“Okay,” said Officer Nasty as he let out a long sigh of relief, “I accept this responsibility.”
“Then it is time to begin.”
Silent Bob floated down to the ground and walked towards Officer Nasty, humming some sort of unknown chant. He halted and leaned close towards Officer Nasty’s face, staying about six inches from him. He placed his palms on Officer Nasty’s temples, tilted his head towards the sky, and began his ritual.
“By the power vested in me, I command my powers to transfer into the Chosen One!”
A bolt of lightning struck down on Silent Bob, sending a surge of energy through his arms and into Officer Nasty’s skull. He could hear faint voices flooding into his consciousness and had a rushing sensation into his hands. Silent Bob removed his grasp on Officer Nasty’s head, which caused him to fall to his knees and collapse on the ground.

Elder DeeJ observed Officer Nasty’s body twisting and thrusting like he was suffering from an intense seizure, which continued for over 10 minutes. All of a sudden, his violent seizures halted and he awoke, his head lying in a pool of saliva. “Arise, Chosen One, your trials must begin.”
Officer Nasty pushed up onto his knees and stood up, feeling a tingling sensation sink down his body. Elder DeeJ exited the room for a moment and returned with a small wooden chair, placing it in the center near Officer Nasty. “I’m deriving from your seizures that you received Silent Bob’s chant?” Officer Nasty answered by nodding his head in agreement. “Have a seat.”
He sat in the chair, resting his hands on his knees, but still felt the effects of whatever Silent Bob did to him by his fingers twitching uncontrollably. Elder DeeJ left the room once again, but took considerably longer to return. He came back with a stranger, dressed in ragged clothes with a leash securely fastened on his neck, and locked the door behind him. When the stranger saw Officer Nasty he became enraged and tried sprinting towards him, only to be halted by the grip of Elder DeeJ on his leash. “What the hell is going on?” questioned Officer Nasty as he felt nervousness and anxiousness flood his emotions. The deranged man continued tugging on the leash and started yelling the words “JOHN CENA” in quick succession, spewing saliva after every word. “You must practice your new powers by muting an Alt of JOHN CENA!” shouted Elder DeeJ as he allowed the Alt to inch closer and closer to the sitting Officer Nasty. He sat leaning as far back as he could on his chair trying his best to avoid the projectile saliva coming from the screaming Alt. “How am I supposed to do that?!?”
Elder DeeJ remained silent, expecting Officer Nasty to find the power within himself to mute the Alt while he lets it get within reach. Officer Nasty gathered himself and tried combining some weird hand motions, but the Alt continued spamming. He was about to give up until he heard a familiar voice pass through his thoughts, the voice of Silent Bob. “Raise your right arm, point your index and middle fingers toward the Alt, and let my power course through your veins…” Officer Nasty followed the instructions and felt the magic of muting surge from his brain and through his chest, resulting in a beam of lightning shooting into the Alt’s opened mouth. The Alt ceased its spamming as light filled his mouth and began emanating from his eyes. Its entire body began to shake and foam started flowing out of its mouth as it looked up at the ceiling, grabbed its head, and vanished into thin air. Officer Nasty remained in his chair, breathing heavily with an amazed expression flushed across his face. “What happened? Where did he go?” he asked.
“When something is muted or banned, they are sent to the Dimension of the Damned,” answered Elder DeeJ. “It’s time for you to return to your friends.”

Elder DeeJ unlocked the door and allowed Officer Nasty to reenter the first chamber of the temple. Elder Stosh unlocked the chest containing his weapons, allowing him to get ready for the journey back to Destiny City. Before he could exit the temple, Elder DeeJ called back for him to stop.
“Wait, Chosen One, you need to return to your friends as fast as possible,” said Elder DeeJ. He grabbed the left hand of Elder Stosh and they both started a chant, ultimately creating an area of blurred mist in front of them. “Tell us where you need to go, and we’ll teleport you there.”
“Can you send me to the Destiny Purifiers’ hideout?”
“As you wish, Chosen One.”
The two Elders let out s synchronized hum as Officer Nasty approached their teleportation field. Before he entered, Silent Bob’s voice clouded his conscious. “I will be watching over you, Chosen One. If you ever need my assistance, I will lend you my wisdom.” Officer Nasty found the sight of the earthly version of Silent Bob, the bag of bones forever condemned to the stone throne within the confines of his mind, and gave him a nod. He took a deep breath, stepped into the teleportation field, and instantly found himself on top of the manhole leading to the Destiny Purifiers’ cavern.

Dopameme · December 21, 2014, 12:50:51 AM

Chapter 12: Aftermath

The open area near the Destiny City hangar contained what was left of the three-way battle fought by the merged group of Floodians, Density Zombies, and Camnator with his gang of cannabis-blasting thugs. The putrid stench of blood and dismembered zombies, mixed with the bitter smell of gunpowder, filled the air. Deceased bodies and mangled limbs were spread across the ground, as well as empty bullet casings and cartridges.

GrandmasterNinja was pacing furiously in front of the closed hangar, angrily thinking to himself how Hawke and BaconShelf could have let Camnator take Smiggles and Greene away. “All I asked of you guys was to sit here and watch my back,” said GrandmasterNinja. “But you couldn’t even fend off a couple of thugs stoned out of their minds, and now your friends are captured!”
Before Hawke or BaconShelf could respond, GrandmasterNinja stormed off towards the hangar in a bit of rage. Hawke put his hand on BaconShelf’s shoulder and said, “Listen, Bacon, it’s not your fault. I should’ve snapped out of my incoherency and helped you out.” BaconShelf shrugged Hawke’s hand from his shoulder, visibly guilty with himself. “You don’t understand…” said Baconshelf apathetically. He turned towards the barriers and sat down next to them, gripping the top of his head with his hands. “I was too afraid to fight, but when I tried defending myself, I was too late. Smiggles and Greene are gone because I was a coward!” He buried his face in his hands in disgust, and before Hawke could speak to him, Rampant, Vien, COWPIE, and the two northerners approached them. Hawke didn’t realize that Rampant was here and that he participated in the battle, so when he saw him he felt a mixture of excitement and nervousness.

“Sup bitches?” said Rampant as he strutted towards his friends, seeing BaconShelf wallowing in his own guilt. “What’s he cryin’ about?”
“It’s a long story…” answered Hawke. “Basically, we-“ Before Hawke could finish, he was cut off by BaconShelf standing up and saying, “Greene and Smiggles are gone.” Rampant’s eyes widened when he heard the news. “Eh, aren’t they those nice girls we spoke to at Gatsby’s house, TBocks?” said CND in his thick northern accent. “Oh my, I do believe you are correct, eh,” Answered TBlocks as he reached into his pocket, cracked open a fresh jar of maple syrup, and took a sip.
“I remember them,” said Hawke, pointing to Vien and COWPIE, who were fondling each other and quietly conversing. “But who the hell are you two?” TBlocks ceased his sipping from the jar of maple syrup, wiped away the leftovers on his lip with a handkerchief, and explained. “My name is TBlocks, and this is my good friend CND, eh. We come from Support City, a little ways north from here.”
CND chimed in, “Eh, we were in Gatsby’s mansion enjoying some cool glasses of maple syrup, until your two lovely female friends approached us.”
“CND!” said TBlocks, “I’m telling the story, eh. Wait your turn.”
CND responded with, “Sorry, eh,” and kept himself occupied with his moose-skin hat.
“As I was saying…” TBlocks said, shooting a quick glare towards CND. “We talked to your friends in Gatsby’s mansion, eh, but when COWPIE and Vien started fighting, we hid under a table while the rest of you ran out. That’s when we found your crazy and intoxicated friend in a strait jacket tied up to a pillar, eh. Vien and Cowpie figured we needed their help, and Gatsby wanted to find someone, so we came here looking for you, eh.”

They all looked a Rampant, whose eyes were still widened as he was staring off into the distance. Hawke waved his hand in front of Rampant’s face, but that didn’t stop his gaze. Drool began to fall from his mouth as he mysteriously peered off into the distance. “Oh great, he’s crazy again,” said BaconShelf, backing away slowly from the group, expecting Rampant to lash out towards them. TBlocks thought to himself for a second and the memory of Camnator striking Rampant’s head dawned on him. “Eh, I’ve got an idea,” said TBlocks as he stepped in front of Rampant. “I’m sorry for this, eh.” TBlocks raised his hand, opened his palm, and slapped Rampant, causing his eyes to shrink and his brewing insanity to end. “What the hell?” asked Rampant, rubbing where he had been slapped. “What happened?”
“Eh, you were dozing off or something, friend,” said TBlocks. Rampant scratched his head for a second and said, “Wait, you guys said something about Greene and Smiggles being taken? By who?”
“Do you remember Camnator? The guy that attacked the night club we were in when JOHN CENA first took over?” asked BaconShelf. Rampant’s face scrunched up as if he had just whiffed an extremely unpleasant smell. “Yeah,” said Rampant, with tiny foam bubbles forming in the corners of his mouth. “I freakin’ hate that guy!”

Napalm and PsychBot ascended the dilapidated building where Gatsby was mourning the deceased Daisy, and saw her body lying in a pool of blood. “What happened to her?” asked PsychBot, while he and Napalm slowly approached the scene. . Gatsby looked up towards them, revealing his red, irritated eyes, and shook his head repeatedly. “She wa-was attacked…” Gatsby turned back to Daisy, looking at her shoulder that was devoured by a zombie. “I was too late, and I…I couldn’t save her!” Tears began gushing out of his eyes again as he placed his forehead on her chest, sobbing and choking on his own sorrow. Napalm kneeled down next to Gatsby and wrapped his arm around the back of Gatsby’s shoulders in an attempt to comfort him. “She was a noble fighter, and a good person,” said Napalm, patting Gatsby’s back. “She didn’t deserve to die like this.” Gatsby lifted his head from Daisy’s chest and used two fingers to cover her cold, soulless eyes with her eyelids. “There’s only one thing I can do for her now.” He said, as he stood up, squatted down, and picked up Daisy’s body. He walked past Napalm and PsychBot before they could ask where he was going, and continued outside of the building and towards the open field away from everyone else. He found a clear spot on the ground and gently set down her body, reached behind his neck and unclipped a gold necklace, the pendant in the shape of two connected hearts, and placed it on her chest. Napalm and PsychBot watched him nearby, and even though PsychBot was no longer capable of feeling human emotion, he remembered when he had experienced sadness in his days as a human. Gatsby coupled his forehead with Daisy’s, placed his palms on both of her temples, and closed his eyes while muttering inaudible words. Napalm stepped forward, removed his flamethrower, and set it down next to Gatsby. When he was finished, Napalm met eyes with Gatsby and gave him a nod, giving him permission to use his flamethrower. “No…” muttered Gatsby, as he picked up the flamethrower and brought it back to Napalm, “You’re going to have to do this for me.” Napalm looked into his eyes hoping to find some semblance of hope left within him, but all he saw was dread and despair. He saw Gatsby lie down on the ground next to Daisy, clench her hand, and close his eyes, and immediately realized what he wanted him to do. PsychBot tried to approach him, but was stopped by Napalm’s hand on his chest. “Gatsby, listen to me, you-“
“Stop,” Gatsby said, interrupting Napalm. “I want to be with her forever. You can’t change my decision.” A single tear fell from Napalm’s eye as he admired Gatsby’s loyalty towards his love, and accepted his terms. He raised the flamethrower, aiming it at the awaiting Gatsby, and turned the release valve to ready the weapon. Gatsby turned to Daisy and whispered, “I’ll be with you soon, my love,” his vision starting to blur. He noticed a figure dressed in pitch black robes approaching him, the same figure that appeared to Daisy before her death, Disembodied Soul. “I can’t watch this,” said PsychBot, turning and walking away from the scene. Napalm closed his eyes and gripped the trigger, releasing his fire upon the two inseparable lovers. Gatsby reached his hand out towards Disembodied Soul and said, “Bring me to her,” as he felt the flames consuming him. He closed his eyes and screamed not in agony, but in disappointment that this was the only way for him to see Daisy again. Hugging her body, Gatsby invited the flames on his body, and allowed them to reunite him with Daisy for eternity.

GrandmasterNinja noticed PsychBot walking towards the rest of the group as he was checking out the hangar and stopped him. “Where the hell have you been?” he asked while walking next to PsychBot, who was seemingly unfazed by his presence. He stepped in front of him and asked, “Where’s Napalm?” PsychBot turned around and saw Napalm trudging towards them with cold, traumatized eyes. GrandmasterNinja looked at both of them and asked, “What the hell happened?” but only responded by shaking his head and tearing up. “Come on, Grandmaster,” said PsychBot, “Let’s bring everyone back to the HQ.” PsychBot and Napalm started heading towards everyone else while GrandmasterNinja followed behind with a perplexed expression, wondering what they had just experienced.

Korra · December 21, 2014, 12:51:10 AM

Damn....so much.

Dopameme · December 21, 2014, 12:51:36 AM

Chapter 13: Captivity

Greene awoke in the back of a poorly maintained van. The stench of burning marijuana bombarded her senses as she tried to move but was halted by her hands and feet being tied up. An unconscious Smiggles was lying next to her, a large bruise protruding from her forehead. She listened in to a conversation going on between her captors as she tried to remain still.
“Ohhhh dude, this is some good cannabis.”
“It’s like I’m floating in space or something, brahhh.. ahahaha..”
“Hey Camnator, how far are we from the palace?”
“We’ll be there within the hour. You bastards better save some cannabis for me or I’ll sever all of your booties and mount them on my wall!”
Greene tensed up as she remembered the battle that occurred in Destiny City and realized who was in the van with her. She heard one of Camnator’s thugs shout an expletive and saw a joint fall directly in front of her.
“Sorry boss, I just dropped a joint.”
“Then pick it up, you incoherent squirt.”
The thug turned around, leaned over the back of his chair to reach for the fallen joint, and noticed that Greene was awake. He closed his eyes and started to giggle as he picked up the joint, lit it, and stuck it in between his lips. He grabbed his cannabis blaster and flipped it around so that the butt of the weapon was facing Greene. “Time for your nap, little grill!” said the thug as he lifted up his blaster and whacked Greene across the forehead, rendering her unconscious.

Greene eventually woke up face down inside of a dull, gray room. She sat up, feeling woozy from being unconscious for a prolonged time, and shuffled up to the chain-linked door keeping her locked inside. As she was looking around the surprisingly elegant hallway, she noticed a disturbingly familiar figure coming from the first floor of the building and walking down the hallway towards her. It was Scarecrow, the deviant who attacked her and the rest of the Flood’s Salvation in the mountain pass and nearly killed them. Scarecrow didn’t notice Greene leaning against her cell door until she spit at him when he walked by and said, “I should’ve guessed you work with JOHN CENA, you psychotic bastard!”
He stopped in his tracks, wiped the spit off of the burlap sack over his head, and clenched his fist. All of a sudden, Scarecrow phased directly in front of Greene with his hand around her throat, squeezing and choking her. Greene tried pushing up on his forearm to loosen his grip, but she was unsuccessful. Her gaze was locked with his, and all she could see was a dark, tortured soul. “You’re lucky I’m in a rush,” said Scarecrow as he let go of Greene’s throat and walked away. “Or I would recreate your biggest fears for insulting me.” She remained behind the cell door, gently tending to her neck that was bruised from Scarecrow’s assault; her gasping and choking for air caused an unknown disturbance in her room. She turned around to the sight of a strange woman wearing a generic blue jumpsuit sitting up on a dingy bed in the back of the room. They both looked at each other with the same confused expression. The woman yawned, outstretched her arms, and asked, “Who the hell are you?”
Greene had an even more perplexed look on her face as she replied, “Who the hell are you?!”

Scarecrow ascended the flight of stairs and entered the royal chamber of Bungie Palace where JOHN CENA was located sitting atop Achronos’s throne, Shadows loyally on his lap. He approached them and yelled out JOHN CENA’s name, but he was too busy flirting with Shadows and was unaware of Scarecrow’s presence. Eventually, Scarecrow dragged his needles across the tile floor, creating a deafening, high-pitched screech that grabbed JOHN CENA’s attention instantly.
“Well, look who finally decided to pay me a visit,” said JOHN CENA as he motioned Shadows to retreat back into their room. “Why aren’t you kneeling before my presence, peasant?”
Scarecrow scoffed at JOHN CENA and clenched his fists, trying to suppress his anger.
“I will never kneel before a liar and a dong-spinning imbecile!”
JOHN CENA’s face was flushed with red in response to Scarecrow’s insult. He shifted in his throne and contained the urge to summon Scarecrow into a meatspin vortex.
“How dare you call me a liar? I have never lied!”
“I did what you asked of me, and you promised me payment in return!” Scarecrow reached into his pocket and revealed a letter with JOHN CENA’s seal of approval on it. “But you send this letter, telling me to kiss your ass? HA!”
“So you’re mad about that, huh?” asked JOHN CENA as he rose to his feet. “Our agreement was for you to kill the Flood’s Salvation, not let them embarrass you.”
“I supplied you with valuable information on where they were headed, which you used to tell your pothead general where to go. If it wasn’t for me, Camnator wouldn’t have captured two prime subjects for your experiments!”
JOHN CENA remained standing next to his throne, visibly annoyed by Scarecrow’s demands. “That wasn’t in the agreement,” said JOHN CENA as he raised his arms and instantly summoned a large group of Alts who all appeared to be identical to him. “If you want to live, I suggest you leave my palace!”
“This isn’t the last you’ve seen of me, JOHN CENA!” exclaimed Scarecrow as he turned around and stormed out of the chamber.

Greene slowly backed away from the stranger in her cell, wondering if she is safe or a threat. The strange woman lifted herself off of the bed and gingerly walked towards Greene, trying to keep her calm. “There’s nothing to be afraid of,” she said, trying to coax Greene towards her.
“Where’s Smiggles?!” asked Greene, her back making contact with the cell door, meaning she couldn’t back away any further. “Smiggles? Is that the girl who was brought in with you?”
Greene nodded nervously, her heart rate rising and breaths shortening.
“Calm down, I know where they took her. You might want to sit down for this.” Greene leaned back against the wall and slid all the way down until she was completely seated, not once breaking her gaze from the woman. She scanned her jumpsuit and noticed a sticker on her chest which read: “Quarantine.”

The woman sat back down on her bed facing Greene, and explained the situation. "I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I'm pretty sure that, as we speak, JOHN CENA is conducting his experiments on your friend Smiggles." Greene's eyes widened in horror and her voice trembled as she asked, "What do you mean by 'experiments?'"
"Well, ever since JOHN CENA took over control of Bungie, he has been trying to create the 'perfect Alt.' This Alt would be more powerful and more intelligent than any of the Alts that he can spawn out of thin air."
"But...why us?" asked Greene. "Why can't he just use any of his own men?"
"His theory is that, since Bungie's female population is so miniscule, that the secret must be hidden within our DNA. He's already experimented on Kiyo and I. I'm fortunate enough to have kept my sanity, and since the experiment was such a failure on me, they labeled me as 'Quarantine.' Kiyo on the other hand...The experimenting turned her into a deranged, sex-craving maniac. I'm not sure what will happen with your friend."

Just as Quarantine finished speaking, there was a sudden, loud noise emanating from a slamming door. Greene got up and turned towards the cell door, only to see two Alts dragging Smiggles across the floor, a light blood trail following behind her, and into an empty cell across from them. She noticed that Smiggles's hair had been shaved off and some sort of weapon was surgically attached to her, which replaced her right forearm. The Alts unlocked the empty cell, threw the heavily sedated Smiggles inside, and locked her up. JOHN CENA came down from his chamber and confronted the Alts. After a short, quiet conversation, the two Alts left the Palace, leaving JOHN CENA staring at Smiggles in her cell. He suddenly turned towards Greene, a sinister smile plastered on his face, and said, "I hope your friends are ready to suffer. The Zygluta Project is complete."

R o c k e t · December 21, 2014, 12:51:44 AM

so much reading..........

Dopameme · December 21, 2014, 12:51:59 AM

Chapter 14: A New Plan

The Destiny Purifiers, Hawke, Rampant, BaconShelf, the Northerners, and the two alien lovers briskly walked back through the deserted city and eventually made it back to the manhole leading to their headquarters. As PsychBot reached down and started removing the cover, Vien and COWPIE stepped forward rather urgently. “I feel you no longer need our help,” said Vien, “COWPIE and I are going to make our way back to his Fun House.”
GrandmasterNinja looked at him with a scoff and said, “What? But you two just helped us kill all of those zombies!”
“Yeah, and you managed to reunite me with these assholes!” exclaimed Rampant, turning to Hawke and BaconShelf, who only shrugged in response.
“WE’RE TRULY SORRY,” exclaimed COWPIE, “BUT WE’VE DECIDED THAT WE WOULD JUST GET IN THE WAY OF YOUR PLANS. WE HAVE…NEEDS THAT MUST BE FULFILLED.”
TBlocks jumped at Vien and gave him a gigantic hug, a single tear falling from his eye. “I’ll miss you, eh.” Vien wrapped his arms around TBlocks and motioned COWPIE to start walking towards the exit of the city. “If you ever need us, you know where to find us.” He said as he caught up to COWPIE. The rest of the group waved goodbye as the two lovers, with Vien’s arm around COWPIE’s waist, walked into the sunset.

PsychBot removed the manhole cover and allowed everyone to hop in, one by one, before climbing in and covering the hole back up. As they turned towards the heavy steel door of the headquarters, they saw a very familiar face sitting on the ground next to it. “Officer Nasty!” exclaimed Hawke as he ran towards him. Officer Nasty jumped to his feet and exchanged a fist bump with Hawke.
“Glad to see you’re back in one piece,” said BaconShelf, offering a fist bump to Nasty. “To you as well, Bacon…” said Officer Nasty as he looked through the group members and noticed the two Northerners, who were unfamiliar to him. “Who the hell are they? And why are they wearing moose-skin hats?” He continued to search through the sea of faces but couldn’t find Greene or Smiggles in it. “Where are Greene and Smiggles?” Before anybody could answer, Napalm pushed through the group and unlocked the door. “We’ll explain inside,” said Napalm as he lifted the hatch and pulled the door open, allowing everyone to funnel inside.

They were all met by a rather nervous Recon, who motioned them all to meet in the common area. “Did you find what you were looking for?” asked Recon as they all sat down in a ‘U’ shape facing him. “Hell no,” answered GrandmasterNinja. “The hangar was empty, as I predicted, and the entire mission was a waste of time. Plus, two members of their group were captured by Camnator.” Officer Nasty’s eyes widened in horror after hearing the news, “What do you mean they were ‘captured?’”
Hawke put his hand on Officer Nasty’s shoulders, guilt emanating from his body language. “Bacon and I were supposed to guard them while GrandmasterNinja was fighting Camnator, but I was shot by a weed blaster and everything just fell apart.”
Officer Nasty looked to Recon in hopes he could gain some answers. “Where do you think he took them?” he asked.
Recon pondered his question for a moment before giving an answer. “I’d assume they are in Bungie Palace as we speak.” Recon shuffled over to an empty chair and sat down, for leaning over on his cane started to become tiresome. He looked throughout the seated members awaiting his instruction and noticed somebody was missing. “Did something happen to Daisy?”
Upon hearing Recon’s question, Napalm’s eyes turned stone cold, and PsychBot froze up in his place. They haven’t told anyone what happened to Daisy and Gatsby, it was only a matter of time until someone started asking. A memory suddenly dawned on Officer Nasty when he heard the name Daisy. He remembered speaking to a sobbing, depressed Gatsby in his mansion only a couple days ago, and he promised him that he’d bring Daisy back to him. “Did you just say ‘Daisy?’” asked Officer Nasty, reaching into his pocket and showing a picture of her that Gatsby gave to him. “This Daisy?”
All eyes in the room turned towards Napalm, who was visibly shaking in fear, as if he was suffering from PTSD. “She…She was attacked by a Destitard,” said Napalm, trembling as he spoke. “But we didn’t know until…until Gatsby found her. He was so stricken with grief that he wanted me to…he wanted me to burn him and Daisy together.” The entire room was dead silent at this point, until GrandmasterNinja broke the silence. “So…What the hell did you do?” he asked irritably.
“I burned Gatsby alive, okay!” exclaimed Napalm as tears began gushing from his eyes. “I tried talking him out of it but he wouldn’t listen!” He vaulted from his seat and stormed out of the cavern in a sobbing fashion. “I’d react the same way,” said PsychBot, blankly staring into space, “If I was still capable of feeling emotion.”

GrandmasterNinja stood up in the center of the group. “Look, shit happens, right? Especially in this godforsaken wasteland,” he said, trying to get everybody else on track. “But JOHN CENA is still out there killing and imprisoning everyone who doesn’t share his vision of the ‘Perfect Flood,’ which means we have to suck it up and move on!”
“He’s right,” said Recon, as he began stroking his beard. “But we must still remember the fallen. Please, Grandmaster, have a seat.” GrandmasterNinja nodded and obeyed, sitting back down in his place. “Now, since you could not find a plane, I have a new plan. Are all of you familiar with the trolls?”
CND’s head perked up after hearing Recon’s question, and answered, “Of course, eh, they always hang out in Support City!” TBlocks finally stopped sipping his maple syrup and added, “That’s right, eh. The trolls always seemed to like messing with us, but why do we need to be familiar, eh?”
“Even before I became a Ninja, the trolls would alternate causing chaos between the cities. They are able to do this due to an extensive system of underground tunnels that spread throughout each city. I’m sure that their Destiny City tunnel is loaded with Destitards now, so my plan is that your group head to #gaming, go through the tunnels from there, and enter Flood City from below.”
“Are you sure we have to go to #gaming?” questioned BaconShelf. “I used to go there a lot before A-Day, and let’s just say they don’t really appreciate my ‘type.’”
“What do you mean?” asked Officer Nasty.
“Well…I actually like Halo 4!”
Hawke turned to BaconShelf, his face showing extreme disgust. “You like that shitty game? What the hell is wrong with you?!”
“I always knew there was something off about you,” added Rampant.
“Something off about me? You’re a psychotic asshole whose mouth foams more than a bubble bath!” exclaimed BaconShelf, clenching his fists and edging towards Rampant.
“That’s enough!” Recon commanded, hitting the floor with the bottom of his cane. “I am sure everyone who lived in #gaming is dead, just like every other city, so you should be fine.” Before Recon could continue, Officer Nasty interjected. “Wait, you said ‘your group.’ Are you guys not coming with us?”
“I’m afraid not.” Recon answered, looking towards PsychBot.
“That’s right, we have unfinished business here,” said PsychBot. “According to my calculations, if we allow this disease to go unaffected, the collective force of all of the Destitards will completely annihilate the planet. We must stop this infection before it spreads outside of Destiny City.”
“We’re called the Destiny Purifiers for a reason,” added GrandmasterNinja.
“Okay then,” said Officer Nasty. “Sounds like we’ve got ourselves a plan.” He motioned his group to get up and head towards the door, but the northerners remained seated and sipping their syrup. “Are you two coming with us?”
They both gave each other reassuring glances and jumped to their feet. “Of course, eh!” exclaimed CND. “We’re sick of freezing our asses off up there in Support!”
They grabbed their jars of maple syrup and headed towards the door with the remaining members of the Flood’s Salvation, who retained the weapons they received from the Destiny Purifiers. Before Officer Nasty could meet with them, he felt Recon’s hand upon his shoulder.
“I forgot to ask, did Silent Bob teach you the magic of muting?” asked Recon. Officer Nasty felt a light surge of energy flow through him, which was surely just his body adjusting to sharing a conscience with Silent Bob. “Yes, I completed his trials.”
Recon nodded and lifted his hand from Officer Nasty’s shoulder, allowing him to gather with his group. “Good luck to you all,” said Recon. He dropped to one knee and bowed his head, “May Achronos watch over you and keep you safe.”
The departing group all dropped their heads towards Recon’s blessing. “To you as well,” Said Officer Nasty, as he lifted the hatch on the heavy steel door, pulled it open, and led his group outside to embark on their mission to #gaming.

Dopameme · December 21, 2014, 12:52:24 AM

Chapter 15: The Transformation

Greene’s horrified eyes were fixated upon Smiggles, who was lying face down in the cell across from her. Her body had started to go through significant physical changes: She increased about three feet in height; her body had become completely hairless, her skin was covered in blisters and sores and showed mixed coloration of green and yellow; her muscles were starting to balloon and become chiseled. Quarantine kneeled down next to Greene and hugged her in an attempt to show comfort. “Listen, Greene,” said Quarantine as she slowly tried to pull her away from the sight. “There’s nothing we can do…JOHN CENA’s experiment is complete.”
Greene stripped herself of Quarantine’s arms and pushed her away, tears streaming down her face. “No, you’re wrong! I know she’s still in there!” She leaned her body against the cell door and reached her arm out towards Smiggles. “Come on, Smiggles, wake up!”
Smiggles’s body started to twitch rapidly in response to Greene’s cries. She used her left arm to push herself up and face Greene, whose mouth was agape in terror. Every distinguishable female feature of her was gone, and her body seemed to take on a genderless role. “Help meee…” said Smiggles in a low, raspy voice, as her eyes started to roll back behind her skull. She rose up to her knees and grabbed the cell door with her left hand and exposed her mutilated right arm, whose forearm was surgically replaced with a mechanical axe. All of a sudden, her head violently jerked backwards as she let out a blood-curdling scream, which caused Greene to jump back away from her cell door. A group of Alts, followed by JOHN CENA, immediately stormed down into the prison and observed the transformation. “What did you do to her!” shouted Greene in a furious rage, stretching her arms through the door trying to hit JOHN CENA. He turned to Greene with a sadistic smirk plastered on his face and said, “I have created the perfect Alt.” He turned back around and watched Smiggles’s body complete its final transformation. Her screaming suddenly stopped and her head unanimously jerked back into its upright position. Her eyes had turned deep green, and blood dripped from her mouth. She slowly stood up and staggered around, completely revealing her hulking stature and fully mutated body. One of JOHN CENA’s Alts, who was wearing a lab coat, took out a clipboard. “Shall I run the test, master?” said the Alt. JOHN CENA responded with a nod, and the Alt readied his phallus-shaped pen. He started to sound off a series of questions towards the mutated Smiggles.
“What is your name?”
After a minute of slow, heavy breaths, she opened her sickly mouth and spoke. “Zygluta…” Her voice was unnaturally deep and was mixed with a growl.
The Alt began scribbling on his clipboard.
“What are you?”
“I am the perfect Alt.”
“How will you serve the almighty JOHN CENA?”
Zygluta’s mouth began to fill with saliva and its hands clenched into fists.
“I will kill the Flood’s Salvation…and I will resurrect the mighty Shrek!”
The Alt finished writing and looked at JOHN CENA in amazement.
“The Zygluta Project is at full strength, my lord!”
“You won’t get away with this!” Greene exclaimed towards JOHN CENA. “My friends will come for me, and Officer Nasty will ban you for good!”
JOHN CENA chuckled as he commanded the Alts to open up Zygluta’s cell and attach a shock collar to its neck.
“Your petty group of thugs can’t withstand my power,” said JOHN CENA as he began to summon a life-sized dong. “If they even dare to enter Flood City, my meatspin vortex and my Alts will consume every last rebel until they bow down to me.” He bended his arm and stretched it towards Greene, which caused the dong to whip back and smack her. The resulting force of the impact with the dong made her collide with the back wall and fall next to Quarantine, who was idly sitting on her bed. JOHN CENA motioned his Alts to bring Zygluta to his chamber as he briskly walked out of the prison. Greene whimpered in pain as she tried to crawl up on the bed next to Quarantine. “I told you there was nothing you could do,” said Quarantine, as she blankly stared forward. “I hope your friends are prepared for JOHN CENA’s wrath.”

JOHN CENA stood in the center of Bungie palace’s main chamber with Camnator and Zygluta, who was growling and breathing heavily. “How can this be the perfect Alt?” questioned Camnator, who took a peek at Zygluta’s backside. “It doesn’t even have a sweet booty!”
JOHN CENA grinned at Camnator’s booty remark, laid a hand on his shoulder, and explained. “My dear Camnator, don’t be so naïve! Zygluta is the culmination of years of work that I have put in to create the Alt that can match with anybody’s strength, and is a necromancer to the banned. Please, observe.” JOHN CENA turned towards the center of the chamber and pointed towards a spot on the floor.
“Zygluta, I command thee to unban Shrek, the dark ogrelord of the swamp!”
Zygluta responded by raising its arms above its head and falling to its knees. It started to wave its arms back and forth and moan in a melodious tone. All of a sudden, a bright green portal appeared on the floor, followed by Zygluta beginning Shrek’s chant.
“Shrek the Mighty! Shrek the unerring! Shrek the unassailable! To you we give Praise! Arise from your slumber and allow me to lift your ban, for your assistance is requested by the almighty JOHN CENA!”
The entire palace began to rumble as the portal began to rapidly expand. Eventually, the massive green ogre stepped out of the portal, his round, pudgy face still bruised from where Officer Nasty struck him with the banhammer. “Aye, I have awoken!” screamed Shrek in a thick Scottish accent. Camnator was left standing dumbfounded in awe after observing Zygluta’s necromancy. “Excellent…” said JOHN CENA, evil emanating from his body. “The second phase of the Zygluta Project can be set in motion.”
Shrek fell to one knee and bowed his head to JOHN CENA. “I wish to find the one who banned me and pound his shrektum into the swamp for eternity!”
“Your wish is fulfilled,” said JOHN CENA as he started removing Zygluta’s shock collar. “You can find Officer Nasty, the scum that banned you, in Destiny City.” JOHN CENA directed his direction towards Camnator, “I want you to go back to Destiny City with Shrek and Zygluta, and I want you to extinguish those rebels once and for all.”
“What about those Destiny Purifier squirts?” asked Camnator.
JOHN CENA glared him dead in the eyes, his expression showing pure sinister intentions. “Kill them all.”