Can't fucking sleep!

Tell me a story

Once there was an ugly barnacle...

An atheist liberal democrat pacifist nazi evolutionist muslim feminist socialist gay female jew communist catholic hindu gypsy UN-peacekeeper abortionist professor (and a member of the ACLU) was bitching at a college class and she told the class that she was menstruating and going to prove that there is no GOD (peace be upon him). She screamed, "GAWD, I'm an independent womyn and if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"
Ten minutes went by. She kept taunting GOD (peace be upon him), saying, "Here I am, GAWD. I'm still waiting. Is my vagina too much for your patriarchy?"
She got down to the last couple of minutes and a space marine just returned from the American Revolution and released from the phantom zone and newly registered in every class backflipped up to the professor, hit her full force in the face with a spinning flying drop kick (with metal-as-fuck jet-boots on), and sent her flying backwards from her platform through two panes of glass, a pile of cans, a nun, a ming vase, a house of cards, and a pile of boxes. The professor struggled up and down, obviously shaken not stirred, with three broken legs, two broken arms, a broken jaw, a broken skull, two more broken arms, 25 broken ribs, internal bleeding, and a missing spine. She bitched, "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that? Are you afraid of a strong womyn?"
That space marine replied, "GOD (peace be upon him) was busy watching over MY buddies engaged in nuclear combat in the coke wars. So he sent ME!!!!!! EAT SHIT AND DIE GRR"
That professor was Richard Elizabeth "Silly Lizzy" Dawkins. That college class was The Beatles. That GOD (peace be upon him) was Zeus. That platform was a diving platform. That phantom zone was China. That glass was meth (not even once). That pile of cans was tied together with string to make a telephone. That nun was Sarah Palin. That young Space Marine? Albert Einstein.

The Racist Tree

By Alexander Blechman

Once upon a time, there was a racist tree. Seriously, you are going to hate this tree. High on a hill overlooking the town, the racist tree grew where the grass was half clover. Children would visit during the sunlit hours and ask for apples, and the racist tree would shake its branches and drop the delicious red fruit that gleamed without being polished. The children ate many of the racist tree's apples and played games beneath the shade of its racist branches. One day the children brought Sam, a boy who had just moved to town, to play around the racist tree.

"Let Sam have an apple," asked a little girl.

"I don't think so. He's black," said the tree. This shocked the children and they spoke to the tree angrily, but it would not shake its branches to give Sam an apple, and it called him a nigger.

"I can't believe the racist tree is such a racist," said one child. The children momentarily reflected that perhaps this kind of behavior was how the racist tree got its name.

It was decided that if the tree was going to deny apples to Sam then nobody would take its apples. The children stopped visiting the racist tree.

The racist tree grew quite lonely. After many solitary weeks it saw a child flying a kite across the clover field.

"Can I offer you some apples?" asked the tree eagerly.

"Fuck off, you goddamn Nazi," said the child.

The racist tree was upset, because while it was very racist, it did not personally subscribe to Hitler's fascist ideology. The racist tree decided that it would have to give apples to black children, not because it was tolerant, but because otherwise it would face ostracism from white children.

And so, social progress was made.

u just made me return my copy of the giving tree..

John Stalvern waited. The lights above him blinked and sparked out of the air. There were demons in the base. He didn’t see them, but had expected them now for years. His warnings to Cernel Joson were not listenend to and now it was too late. Far too late for now, anyway.
John was a space marine for fourteen years. When he was young he watched the spaceships and he said to dad “I want to be on the ships daddy.”
Dad said “No! You will BE KILL BY DEMONS”
There was a time when he believed him. Then as he got oldered he stopped. But now in the space station base of the UAC he knew there were demons.
“This is Joson” the radio crackered. “You must fight the demons!”
So John gotted his palsma rifle and blew up the wall.
“HE GOING TO KILL US” said the demons
“I will shoot at him” said the cyberdemon and he fired the rocket missiles. John plasmaed at him and tried to blew him up. But then the ceiling fell and they were trapped and not able to kill.
“No! I must kill the demons” he shouted
The radio said “No, John. You are the demons”
And then John was a zombie.