Son, there's still a reason to live. Knack 2 got announced.

All I can think about is why they brought me back from the dead.

Wait, what?

Quote from: Blankina on December 04, 2016, 04:29:20 AM

All I can think about is why they brought me back from the dead.

Wait, what?

I died and was resuscitated. I now also have about six grand in hospital bills because I have no insurance, and also no way of paying that kind of money.

Update on friend: Tried to blow his brains out, but panicked at the last moment and jerked the gun and missed.
http://imgur.com/G82H0Tp

The way I see it you only have three choices, and if you don't pick one you'll be stuck in limbo.

You either commit to your previous attempt and do like everyone else; you either try to save everyone and everything, or you leave it all behind you, disconnecting from your previous self.

Whatever your choice, don't do it halfassed. The reason why you're feeling anxious is because you need a path.

I am so sorry you're going through this. It's not fair to you that they are doing this to you. There is a reason you were brought back to life, but you just haven't found it yet. Maybe you haven't been looking hard enough. I'm glad that your friend missed, but that also shows that they wanted to still live even if they deny it. You have been through a lot and it's very traumatic, especially being in debt that much it's hard to get out of it, but it's not impossible. You have the rest of your life to better your situation and find new people to be around who are positive influences. It may seem like it's impossible, but you really are the only one holding yourself back from happiness. Unfortunately it does seem that your depression is genetic (my family is genetically bipolar, so I understand that), and you're right about the medicine making it worse, but you're wrong about the talking about it part. If you talk about your problems it lifts a weight from your shoulders even the smallest amount helps. Not everyone can easily open up, but sometimes you have to bite the bullet in order to save your own life by talking about things that are WAY out of your comfort zone, and to a stranger at that. Professionals are there to help you and not to judge you; however, you did say that you don't have insurance and that's a problem. There are free state funded counselors out there and there is always the suicide prevention hotline and their chat room. I hope that you find peace in this tragic moment of your life, but NEVER let go of those fleeting moments of happiness cherish them as if they were the most valuable thing in life, because they are. <3

Where the hell do you live where everyone is so depressed? Misery loves company, so is it possible for you to just go somewhere else and take yourself out of that environment for a bit?

Being surrounded by relatively happy people who aren't trying to off themselves isn't going to make you as a happy as them, but it's certainly a start.

If the sun refuse to shine,
I don't mind, I don't mind,
If the mountains fell in the sea,
let it be, it ain't me.
Alright, 'cos I got my own world to look through,
And I ain't gonna copy you.

I'm probably too late to the chorus here. In case I'm not, pull up a chair and listen to me ramble for a bit. I've something for you to consider. It's not the magic button to your problems. And in hindsight, it's a very risky rope to walk.

I've been in your hole before. All the way down at the bottom to the point where the only colour or meaning I could see was death. The short end to the story is that I was just a couple seconds away from letting go of the rails to my hometown's radio tower and a thought stopped me.

I started thinking about my family and friend. My family's always been "bumpy." Somewhat loose, somewhat scattered, slightly volatile. All facing some kind of difficulties. I started thinking about what would happen to them after I'd jumped from the tower.

My mother getting the news from a police officer early in the morning as she opened up her restaurant for work. The guilt all of my family members would feel for not seeing what I concealed from them. The pain of any of them trying to explain to my little niece who'd already grown attached to me, what I'd done.

I stopped and thought about people in general. I myself reached this point in my life due to my interactions with people in my early life. Part of my state of misery was caused by them. But I realized that in my actions, I myself would create untold misery and I couldn't accept that. I did not want to be a reflection of all the ugly people who helped create me, in a sense.

And that was my idea. Forget about my troubles. Forget about the pain and discomfort I was in, because people all around me where suffering to some degree. Some lesser than me, and some more so. I thought, why not take all the awful things that had been dumped on me, and reverse them? Not for my sake, but for the people I cared about? Why not try to make a difference? Why not take all that negative and reflect it outwards into something positive for as many people as I could?

This line of thinking, and effort I undertook is the main reason why I'm still around today. It came with it's own cost. I still had no identity. And I didn't care about myself. Eventually, that turned into self hatred for myself and what I was. The help that I offered to others was never enough, and more or less, I slipped into another bout of deep depression. But my ideal remained strong.

I eventually learned to get over hating myself. And I've done a lot of changing over the years. And through it, that ideal is still there. It's been modified somewhat. But the core value remains the same. Take all the misery around you, all the misery in you, and make it a positive influence as much as you can on those around you.

Your sister's in the hospital? Your friend's losing a grip on things? You've been revived from your own death attempt? Get up from your grave and help them. That's why you're still here. To make sure that they don't have to suffer as you have. And you have it in your power to help them. In helping them, you help yourself.

Well Reapy, there's a several thousand year long story that I could tell you detailing why the world is what it is today, but the short version is that before the internet, most all people would die before ever learning about the mistakes they've made in their life, let alone being able to fix them.

Fortunately we now have a piece of technology that has absolutely no historical parallel or precedent, a machine that can transfer infinite amount of information to anyone on the planet, and allow anybody anywhere to talk to anyone else, the internet.

We've only had a few decades with this technological miracle so of course we haven't managed to undo thousands of years of mistakes, but I can assure you my friend, we're trying, and we're going to make it. We're all going to make it.

Also shoot me an email sometime, I got pretty worried about you not responding, thought you might have relapsed.