Moved to Utah (rant)

Busta Nut · February 28, 2021, 01:55:57 PM

And holy fuck does it suck.

Mugged within the second week, beaten to unconsciousness by three dudes, had my phone stolen, and here I am left with broken teeth that makes me look like a methhead, and a large ass hospital bill to boot. Literally just wanted to go mountain climbing, but NO, these shitters had to screw me over. I can't even eat anymore without pain.

The job I was promised? The company filled days before I flew out (NOT THAT ANYONE CONTACTED ME ABOUT IT, FUCK CORPORATE), so now I'm just some jobless loser, subsisting off my girl's good will.

Attempted suicide failed because four beers and about forty Xanax couldn't do the trick without my stupid body rejecting it, and now no one trusts me to be a normal human being.

Fuck this. I abandoned my family and the few people I actually care about for fucking nothing.

FatherlyNick - fuck putin · February 28, 2021, 04:23:32 PM

Wait, did you sign any contracts? I don't think they can just say you are hired and then hire someone else instead. Unless this is some USA thing where no one has any security.

Why did you abandon your family? Don't give up man. If SC made it, so can you.

Ian · February 28, 2021, 05:26:16 PM

I don't think calling Class's situation "making it" would be accurate.

Quote from: FatherlyNick 🇷🇺 on February 28, 2021, 04:23:32 PM

If SC made it, so can you.

February 28, 2021, 06:00:34 PM

And you're beating yourself up for nothing too. Be real about this. You still got family. They're all still alive back where you left em. You're still alive to see them.

You might feel like an ass if you can get back to them. You might feel like an ass just telling them what happened. But they're still there for you, even if you goofed. Ideally, that's what family is. And you really didn't goof from the sounds of it. You met assholes, both corporate and bums on the street. That's not your fault.

Ask yourself a question. Is right now on par with the worst day you've ever had in your life? If it's not, you can beat it. And if it is, then try anyway.

I can only offer one more bit of commentary in the meantime. You've got a girlfriend that gives a shit about you and cares about you. And it sounds like she cares enough about you to help you out. Just go back to her, man. Tell her you're sorry, you tried, and you love her. If she's a decent human being who really gives a fuck about you she'll stand by you. That alone should be enough to get you back up.

Put the ashamed feelings and the desperation aside because they're not going to do you any good. Get up and fight it. Make you a deal. If you can weather the shit that's hitting you right now, then I'm willing to try to keep fighting the shit that's hitting me right now. Come on. You can do it.

nͫiͤcͫeͤ · February 28, 2021, 07:53:57 PM

go skiing

Busta Nut · February 28, 2021, 09:08:14 PM

Quote from: E on February 28, 2021, 06:00:34 PM

And you're beating yourself up for nothing too. Be real about this. You still got family. They're all still alive back where you left em. You're still alive to see them.

You might feel like an ass if you can get back to them. You might feel like an ass just telling them what happened. But they're still there for you, even if you goofed. Ideally, that's what family is. And you really didn't goof from the sounds of it. You met assholes, both corporate and bums on the street. That's not your fault.

Ask yourself a question. Is right now on par with the worst day you've ever had in your life? If it's not, you can beat it. And if it is, then try anyway.

I can only offer one more bit of commentary in the meantime. You've got a girlfriend that gives a shit about you and cares about you. And it sounds like she cares enough about you to help you out. Just go back to her, man. Tell her you're sorry, you tried, and you love her. If she's a decent human being who really gives a fuck about you she'll stand by you. That alone should be enough to get you back up.

Put the ashamed feelings and the desperation aside because they're not going to do you any good. Get up and fight it. Make you a deal. If you can weather the shit that's hitting you right now, then I'm willing to try to keep fighting the shit that's hitting me right now. Come on. You can do it.

I'm just tired of this, Q. I was in a bad place before this garbage, and now I'm in an even worse spot. I can't eat, I sleep maybe three hours a day because all I dream of is dying, and I don't know what the fuck I should do. The fantasy of abandoning everything is becoming more of a necessity because no one I know really understands. I've alienated myself, and the one person who I thought might understand now just thinks of me as some pill junkie looking for kicks. My own fucking dad OD'd, I refuse ALL pills, but he doesn't see that. No one (except you) believes in me. I'm basically a walking corpse, with the façade I've given them shattered.

I just don't know what to do anymore. No one will hire me, no one trusts me, and I'm basically a stranger in a strange land. My fiancé wants me to see someone, but all they do is push fucking pills. I've had sixteen years of that shit to know that's exactly what's going to happen, and I refuse. I don't want to hear "you just haven't found the right one" anymore. I want to be stable, I want to feel something other than suicidal depression or boiling rage at my own inability to feel the former. I want to be fucking normal.

It just feels like I'm broken, with no way out.

Busta Nut · February 28, 2021, 09:18:44 PM

Quote from: Ian on February 28, 2021, 05:26:16 PM

I don't think calling Class's situation "making it" would be accurate.

Quote from: FatherlyNick 🇷🇺 on February 28, 2021, 04:23:32 PM
If SC made it, so can you.

I've given her a lot of shit over the years (much of it I regret), but at least she's fucking happy.

FatherlyNick - fuck putin · March 01, 2021, 03:01:52 AM

Quote from: Busta Nut on February 28, 2021, 09:08:14 PM

Quote from: E on February 28, 2021, 06:00:34 PM
And you're beating yourself up for nothing too. Be real about this. You still got family. They're all still alive back where you left em. You're still alive to see them.

You might feel like an ass if you can get back to them. You might feel like an ass just telling them what happened. But they're still there for you, even if you goofed. Ideally, that's what family is. And you really didn't goof from the sounds of it. You met assholes, both corporate and bums on the street. That's not your fault.

Ask yourself a question. Is right now on par with the worst day you've ever had in your life? If it's not, you can beat it. And if it is, then try anyway.

I can only offer one more bit of commentary in the meantime. You've got a girlfriend that gives a shit about you and cares about you. And it sounds like she cares enough about you to help you out. Just go back to her, man. Tell her you're sorry, you tried, and you love her. If she's a decent human being who really gives a fuck about you she'll stand by you. That alone should be enough to get you back up.

Put the ashamed feelings and the desperation aside because they're not going to do you any good. Get up and fight it. Make you a deal. If you can weather the shit that's hitting you right now, then I'm willing to try to keep fighting the shit that's hitting me right now. Come on. You can do it.
I'm just tired of this, Q. I was in a bad place before this garbage, and now I'm in an even worse spot. I can't eat, I sleep maybe three hours a day because all I dream of is dying, and I don't know what the fuck I should do. The fantasy of abandoning everything is becoming more of a necessity because no one I know really understands. I've alienated myself, and the one person who I thought might understand now just thinks of me as some pill junkie looking for kicks. My own fucking dad OD'd, I refuse ALL pills, but he doesn't see that. No one (except you) believes in me. I'm basically a walking corpse, with the façade I've given them shattered.

I just don't know what to do anymore. No one will hire me, no one trusts me, and I'm basically a stranger in a strange land. My fiancé wants me to see someone, but all they do is push fucking pills. I've had sixteen years of that shit to know that's exactly what's going to happen, and I refuse. I don't want to hear "you just haven't found the right one" anymore. I want to be stable, I want to feel something other than suicidal depression or boiling rage at my own inability to feel the former. I want to be fucking normal.

It just feels like I'm broken, with no way out.

Ok, mate. Do it one small step at a time. No one goes from broken to 'Happy settled down with three kids and a wife'
You want to be stable? What can get you there?

Having a goal is good, now try to see a path there and take it one step at a time. Before crossing the bridge, you have to reach it first.

I think first port of call should be fixing up your jaw. You need to be able to eat to sustain yourself.
Are you able to take care of that now?

March 01, 2021, 10:46:54 AM

Quote from: Busta Nut on February 28, 2021, 09:08:14 PM

Quote from: E on February 28, 2021, 06:00:34 PM
And you're beating yourself up for nothing too. Be real about this. You still got family. They're all still alive back where you left em. You're still alive to see them.

You might feel like an ass if you can get back to them. You might feel like an ass just telling them what happened. But they're still there for you, even if you goofed. Ideally, that's what family is. And you really didn't goof from the sounds of it. You met assholes, both corporate and bums on the street. That's not your fault.

Ask yourself a question. Is right now on par with the worst day you've ever had in your life? If it's not, you can beat it. And if it is, then try anyway.

I can only offer one more bit of commentary in the meantime. You've got a girlfriend that gives a shit about you and cares about you. And it sounds like she cares enough about you to help you out. Just go back to her, man. Tell her you're sorry, you tried, and you love her. If she's a decent human being who really gives a fuck about you she'll stand by you. That alone should be enough to get you back up.

Put the ashamed feelings and the desperation aside because they're not going to do you any good. Get up and fight it. Make you a deal. If you can weather the shit that's hitting you right now, then I'm willing to try to keep fighting the shit that's hitting me right now. Come on. You can do it.
I'm just tired of this, Q. I was in a bad place before this garbage, and now I'm in an even worse spot. I can't eat, I sleep maybe three hours a day because all I dream of is dying, and I don't know what the fuck I should do. The fantasy of abandoning everything is becoming more of a necessity because no one I know really understands. I've alienated myself, and the one person who I thought might understand now just thinks of me as some pill junkie looking for kicks. My own fucking dad OD'd, I refuse ALL pills, but he doesn't see that. No one (except you) believes in me. I'm basically a walking corpse, with the façade I've given them shattered.

I just don't know what to do anymore. No one will hire me, no one trusts me, and I'm basically a stranger in a strange land. My fiancé wants me to see someone, but all they do is push fucking pills. I've had sixteen years of that shit to know that's exactly what's going to happen, and I refuse. I don't want to hear "you just haven't found the right one" anymore. I want to be stable, I want to feel something other than suicidal depression or boiling rage at my own inability to feel the former. I want to be fucking normal.

It just feels like I'm broken, with no way out.

Tell ya something. I brought some flowers out to the marker on my property for my SO for valentines. I sat down and I talked to her. I remember looking out at the sky, and I realized I haven't heard her voice in nine years. And that made me tired. Really tired. Like I got up afterwards and I was just empty. And not just that, but I was fully aware of just how much there's a part of me that still wants to die. To just quit. It was like the full weight of how long I'd been carrying this hit me in full, and it just knocked me down. The only thing stopping me from not eating and just starving myself in bed was the promises I made to past friends, and to her. So when I say that I'm tired, I mean it.

Right now I can't see a future ahead of me. But I have my jobs to do. Family needs me and a couple friends out here count on me. If I can make their day, give them something, that's enough. And maybe, depending on how or if I find a way to deal with this new situation in my head, I won't have to worry about not seeing a future ahead. But that's me. Let's get to your side of the fence.

I get it about the pills. I've developed immunity to at least two kinds of anti-depressents. And the problem with all doctors these days is that they push the pills, but they don't give you solutions to what's causing the problems in your life. The pills might actually work for upping you for a while. But if you don't solve the shit that's causing issue in your life then they're useless for the time that they give the boost to you.

How they should be applied is such. You take them, they give you a boost, and in that boosted state you solve issues in your life and fix shit. And then when that's settled and you build up more immunity, you go off the pills and you become stable on your own. So if I were to suggest anything, don't write off the pills entirely. But before you do anything at all with them, you need to understand the components of why your life is not working properly.

I've got a lot to write out to you because I've got a lot of ideas, but I need some time to put them together. So I'm gonna do my stuff today, and I'm gonna think about it. I'll write more later tonight.

Here's some loose ideas for you. You've got trouble talking. If you trust me enough, let me talk to your fiance. I can explain things to her. That's only if you feel like there's gaps in communication with her. One of the things that will help you out is communication, and if you start communicating with her, that will help. If not communication, she needs a better understanding of what your situation is.

The second loose idea is this. You're down in Utah. You're not far from the canadian border, specifically saskatchewan. If you've got a passport and enough money, you can camp out in canada for a period of six months if you get a visa or working visa. Assuming they'd let you through with covid, if you could find a way to get into Saskatchewan, I'd help you.

I don't have much for contacts in utah, probably zero to be honest, but I could help you with the job searching. The wonders of the internet and word of mouth, right?

But that's all for now. I'll get back to you later tonight, promise.

March 01, 2021, 11:18:52 AM

Before I get running today. Nick is right. You should get your teeth looked at. Leave em' open like that and they'll be liable to start rotting or get infected if the root's exposed. Spending money you don't have is probably the last thing you want to hear.

Unfortunately money's one of the issues we should focus on at the moment. Get you some kind of job to get some kind of paycheck coming in. I'd be willing to bet your fiance is helping to fund ya, but I know that usually doesn't last forever.

So here's what we can try to do. I'm trying to get my truck camper into the parking lot of my workplace so I can cut down both a shit ton of gas money and useless travel time. I'm really trying to crunch down on my money so that I can hit the investment marks I need to bail from my job, but if you want me to, I can manage my books and see how much I can skim off to send your way if you need help. I can't offer much, and conversion rates will pretty much halve whatever I can send to you, but I'll try if that's something you're willing to look into.

FatherlyNick - fuck putin · March 01, 2021, 11:56:37 AM

Quote from: E on March 01, 2021, 11:18:52 AM

Before I get running today. Nick is right. You should get your teeth looked at. Leave em' open like that and they'll be liable to start rotting or get infected if the root's exposed. Spending money you don't have is probably the last thing you want to hear.

Unfortunately money's one of the issues we should focus on at the moment. Get you some kind of job to get some kind of paycheck coming in. I'd be willing to bet your fiance is helping to fund ya, but I know that usually doesn't last forever.

So here's what we can try to do. I'm trying to get my truck camper into the parking lot of my workplace so I can cut down both a shit ton of gas money and useless travel time. I'm really trying to crunch down on my money so that I can hit the investment marks I need to bail from my job, but if you want me to, I can manage my books and see how much I can skim off to send your way if you need help. I can't offer much, and conversion rates will pretty much halve whatever I can send to you, but I'll try if that's something you're willing to look into.

Same, PM your paypal or w/e and I'll send some $$$ at least for food for the month.

March 01, 2021, 01:40:26 PM

I've got a bit of time before I hit the road.

I'll tell you straight up, don't pursue the fantasy of abandoning everything. You'll end up like I did. Don't isolate yourself or alienate yourself. The more you do, the deeper you're going to spiral. If anything, talking to those that will listen will help.

And if you want my earnest opinion, it's a good thing that the facade's down and that people know something is up. Facades don't do anything worthwhile for anybody. If the price is that nobody believes you, then it's their problem and not yours. You actually know how much certain people care for you at that rate. The ones that actually give a fuck about ya will try to help you, like your fiance. At least now, everything is open and out on the table. You don't have to hide anything, which is a weight gone in itself.

That has to happen if you're going to get out of this. You've gotta be real with yourself, and you've got to be real with the people that are close to you in life. No facades.

I also think you're being too hard on yourself. Think about it. You bump into somebody else who you know is going through the same stuff you are. Would you be as harsh with them as you would be yourself? Probably not.

And I get it. I understand the tiredness, and I understand the rage. The rage is important. That you still have that means something very important. Most of all, you've got a means to do something. If you do it right, rage is a motivator if you control it and you aim it at something.

You're tired of your state? Of being in such a shit condition. Can't find a job? Then fuck it. Tell all of it to go to hell. Tell your condition to go to hell, and get up and use that rage to move and do things. You'll find a job if you search, and keep trying. Take that rage and turn it back inwards. Not at yourself, but at being trapped, stuck in this useless shit. Treat your conditions and your state of mind like it's the enemy. You going to let your enemy walk all over you and just do what it pleases? Or are you going to make damn sure you tell it to go fuck itself even if it kills you?

I'm outta time. I'll be back.

March 01, 2021, 10:19:07 PM

Debated on PM's or here. Personally I've no qualms about talking wherever around whoever. Plus Nick's offered help. So I think if any others come along and suggest something in here, better to be open about things. So, there's four rough scenarios here that I thought up as to how things can go from this point onwards.

The first scenario is that you stick it out over there. You keep looking for a job. If I can help, I'll pull on contact strings. Maybe I can find you a place that's out of the shit part of town, or maybe help you find some work. I think it's important to note something here. You had some sort of deal with corporate, so I assume that you've got qualifications for something.

If you're really hopping for a job here, you might have to try and expand out of what you're qualified for. Or dare I say it, pick a shit job or low end job. I only say that from my experiences out and about. I'm a good construction worker and I can do carpentry, but if there's no work, I gotta go with the flow and work on the docks building ships or sign on with a grocery store. Something coming in is better than nothing.

The second scenario is that you turn round and go back home. But I'm willing to bet that comes with problems. You left home because you couldn't find work. Heading back out there likely won't change much. But it's still an option on the table.

I want to talk to you about risks. Because there's a big one here. Your fiance. Listen. I know that love is love and all that. But in a lot of cases I hate to say it, most other people out there seem to have limits to what they consider their love. Unless your fiance's got a will of iron and loyalty just as strong, if you go back to her and nothing changes, over time the chances of her leaving multiply.

If you find a job out where you are, and you don't find a way to close the gap and get your fiance out with you, the chances of her leaving multiply. These are worst case scenarios. I'm not saying that they're going to happen. But they could. And if either of these scenarios did happen, I'll just be honest. I know you wouldn't make it. You'd be in no state to weather that. So, thinking ahead, we opt not to create a situation where that happens. If she's been with you up to now, I'd wager she's pretty loyal. But I know everybody has limits.

Scenario three and four I reserve for last because they're oddball. They'd take time and lot of variables to pull off. But here goes.

Scenario three. Give me one year. I dump 15k into my investments at my workplace to get myself rolling. I get my passport. Take some money with me and take a holiday off work. I either drive down to where you are, hop a plane or take a train. This is under the assumption that you stay in salt lake and get a job.

Scenario four. You get your passport, get some bucks and find a way to get out here where I am for a while. I'd cover your expenses if you bunked with me for a while. Or perhaps long term, we take a look at immigration. But that's very far off longshot.

The reason I add myself into the picture here is because I'm reaching the limit of what I can do to help via text. I can talk to you and speculate about shit. But that all goes so far. And if you're feeling bad enough to try suicide as you did, then I know I'm really at the limit to what I can do with text.

I can help you in person. I can help because in person it's ten times easier to gauge people. You and I could talk in person. We'd find ways. And I could show you a way out of things. The trouble is, I can't do any of this shit over text. So it's either I find a way to haul my ass over to you for a short while, or you find a way to get your ass out here for a short while.

You understand the depth of this? I'll get in my camper and drive all that way if I have to. I'm committed to this if you are. And I know you are. You don't want to die. You just want to live a normal life. I can help you dismantle what's wrong, and I can help you start fixing yourself. But I gotta be there in person to do it. We can make a plan to pull this off. But it all depends on what you want to do and where you want to go. Fuck, if you go back home I'll drive down there if I have to. Take a plane at worst.

I still have some more thoughts, but I'm getting tired now. Long day. I'll just say this. Glad you're alive as well. You shoulda contacted me before trying suicide. You could get ahold of me any damn time of day or night and I'd take the call, even if you borrowed somebody else's phone since yours got nabbed apparently.

You really gotta take me seriously here. Call my ass up or text me and I'll call you, no questions asked, nothing. I don't have the financial leverage to come see ya right now, but if we set this up, I will. I promise you that. We can undo this if both you and I try. You have a way out. And I'll do my best to help you get there, okay?

Mmmmm Napalm · March 03, 2021, 11:39:14 AM

Quote from: FatherlyNick 🇷🇺 on March 01, 2021, 11:56:37 AM

Quote from: E on March 01, 2021, 11:18:52 AM
Before I get running today. Nick is right. You should get your teeth looked at. Leave em' open like that and they'll be liable to start rotting or get infected if the root's exposed. Spending money you don't have is probably the last thing you want to hear.

Unfortunately money's one of the issues we should focus on at the moment. Get you some kind of job to get some kind of paycheck coming in. I'd be willing to bet your fiance is helping to fund ya, but I know that usually doesn't last forever.

So here's what we can try to do. I'm trying to get my truck camper into the parking lot of my workplace so I can cut down both a shit ton of gas money and useless travel time. I'm really trying to crunch down on my money so that I can hit the investment marks I need to bail from my job, but if you want me to, I can manage my books and see how much I can skim off to send your way if you need help. I can't offer much, and conversion rates will pretty much halve whatever I can send to you, but I'll try if that's something you're willing to look into.
Same, PM your paypal or w/e and I'll send some $$$ at least for food for the month.

This goes for me too. I'm waiting on my paycheck rn, but when I do, I can send some money.

FatherlyNick - fuck putin · March 03, 2021, 12:53:21 PM

Nut Busta, please respond.

March 03, 2021, 08:57:43 PM

Quote from: FatherlyNick 🇷🇺 on March 03, 2021, 12:53:21 PM

Nut Busta, please respond.

I've got a line to him. I checked yesterday. He's doing okay. (Least as okay as he can be) I trust the line I've got, and they've not said that anything else is up today, but I'll be checking up in a bit. Let ya know what's up.

March 03, 2021, 11:12:31 PM

Quote from: FatherlyNick 🇷🇺 on March 03, 2021, 12:53:21 PM

Got an update. He's doin' okay. Might take him some time to respond. We'll all have to wait I'm afraid.

FatherlyNick - fuck putin · March 04, 2021, 02:56:30 AM

Quote from: E on March 03, 2021, 11:12:31 PM

Quote from: FatherlyNick 🇷🇺 on March 03, 2021, 12:53:21 PM

Got an update. He's doin' okay. Might take him some time to respond. We'll all have to wait I'm afraid.

Thanks for the updates.