You shoulda looked for help after your first attempt. Maybe you did and I just don't know. Either way, it's good to see that you're still around. I don't wanna guilt trip ya here, just put some food for thought on your plate, even if it doesn't ring home with you. I know that it helps me in my present situation when I think about it, at least.
I lost a longtime friend that I'd known for more than a decade this year. He was driving home and he got T-boned by a drunk driver through an intersection on the driver side and was killed instantly.
I know that in your state of mind it's hard to find a grasp on anything that has positive meaning. And likely harder to hold onto it. That's not your fault. But it is up to you to fight for it, and for yourself. I'll get to the point. Being stuck in my current condition gets me down some days. I look ahead and see everything I'm going to have to try and rebuild from scratch. I'll be in over my head, to put it blunt.
When things look insurmountable to me, I remember my pal. And I remember that like him, I have the opportunities and possibilites of living a life, even if my life will include difficulty along the way. He had no choice in losing what he had. But to some extent, I do.
And likewise, so do you. You always have another option. You always have some direction that you can take. It's something to think about when you're faced with the off switch and wanting to hit it. Glad to see that you're still breathing, Jester.
Update: 11/29/16