IGZ and o_____o are driving in a car. Suddenly, IGZ gets a craving for fast food.

IGZ: Dude, I'm fucking hungry. We should stop and get something to eat. Look! There's a McDonald's coming up on the next exit.

o_____o: Aw man, I'm not going to eat at McDonald's. The last time I went there, they gave me an exploding coffee and put glass in my food. And the time before that, they dumped water in my bag.

IGZ: Come on man, I heard they got some new additions to the menu and have been listening to feedback. Here, I'll buy your meal for you.

o_____o: I don't want you to do that man, don't waste your money.

IGZ: It would be my honor. I want to hear what you think of the new menu.

o_____o: Fine.


o_____o takes the ramp off exit I-69 and pulls into McDonald's.

o_____o: Where the hell is the drive-thru?

*all that o_____o can see is a brick wall blocking where the drive-thru used to be.

o_____o: Okay, what the hell? Why would they block off the drive-thru? That makes no sense.

IGZ: Maybe it's on the other side.

o_____o: No, it was right here. Look, I can still see the arrows on the blacktop. *indicating yellow arrows labeled "Drive thru". The arrows disappear under the brick wall.

IGZ: Maybe they haven't completed the drive-thru yet.

o_____o: They have. I've used it.

IGZ: Well, lets just go inside.

o_____o parks the car and they both go inside to order. o_____o looks for the new menu, but all he can see is the old menu. So he walks up to the counter and makes an inquiry to "David".

o_____o: Excuse me, I was told that you guys have a new menu? Where is it?

David: It's right in front of you customer. It's funny how often we miss those little things that are right in front of our eyes. JIB JUB BAPPITY FLAP!

o_____o cock an eyebrow, gives IGZ a regretful look, then replies to David.

o_____o:How is this a new menu? It looks like the same crap you guys sold before.

David: We have served over 100 million happy customers. Lots of people tell us we please them very much. We are very much honored to have you in our presence. Ah, but you inquired about our items. When you buy your usual meal, you'll find a special ingredient added to it.

o_____o: What do you mean "Special ingredient"? Like shards of glass, or bars of sodium? All I want is a regular meal with no weird shit in it.

David: We do not put shards of glass in our food. All you will get is edible sustenance to fuel your day.

o_____o: Fine. I'll have a big mac value meal with.....wait a minute. Why does the menu say a big mac meal is $15?

David: That is the cost of our new menu. For $15, you can join the rest of our millions of satisfied customers.

o_____o: Ok fine...whatever. I'll have the big mac value meal and a bottled water. Please, don't screw this up. Don't pour the water in the bag, or put shards of glass in my hamburger, or put hydrochloric acid in my fries or any other weird crap.

David: We made some mistakes in the past, but the food developers have listened to your feedback.

IGZ: Ok, I'll have a double quarter pounder with cheeze and a coke.

David: That will be a total of $30. You will be enjoying your meals in a short time. Who knows? Maybe you'll find an epiphany to life. Jub Jub Bappity Flap.

o_____o and IGZ go and wait at the counter. Eventually, David returns with their meals. But the trays are nothing like anything o_____o has seen before. Miniature safes appeared to be sitting on the trays. o_____o's french fries and half of IGZ's hamburger were the only food items that could be seen.

o_____o: Excuse me, what the hell is this?

David: This is our new method of delivering your culinary experience customer. Our customers have told us that they value us having more control over their meals so that they can get the most out of them. When you progress with your meal, those safes containing your food will be unlocked.

o_____o: No, they have not said that. They've been saying THE OPPOSITE of that. Have you guys even been reading your reviews on the internet recently? People are pissed at what you've been doing! This is absurd! Wasn't this restaurant created so that people would be able to get a quick meal and be on their way?!? What you are doing is the OPPOSITE of that. You are making it harder and harder for people to enjoy eating here!

IGZ: I agree. This is really stupid man.

Desticle: Wow, they listen to your feedback and you STILL complain! GET A FUCKING LIFE!!!!

A desticle wearing sunglasses walks up with a white-tipped cane.

Desticle: I really like what they are doing! It makes the experience more immersive! If you don't like it here, why are you eating here?

IGZ: Dude, let's just go eat our meal. I paid $30 for it, we may as well not let it go to waste.

o_____o and IGZ go to the dining area only to find that there are no tables. o_____o blinks, turns around and walks back up to the counter.

o_____o: WHY are there no tables?

David: We haven't had the opportunity to implement tables. It's something I've brought up with the food developers.

o_____o: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVEN'T HAD THE OPPORTUNITY TO IMPLEMENT TABLES? TABLES HAVE COME WITH RESTAURANTS SINCE....I DON'T KNOW, AS LONG AS RESTAURANTS HAVE BEEN IN EXISTANCE!!

David: I'm sorry sir. Someday the winds of time will disappoint us. Jib Jub Bappity Flap!

o_____o: What the fu.........nevermind.

o_____o goes back to the empty dining area, sits on the ground and begins to eat his meal. What should have taken 15 minutes to eat now took 40 minutes.

o_____o: This is really stupid. I haven't even gotten to my hamburger yet. They are putting more effort into padding out our eating time than they are making better food.

IGZ: Hahahahahaha.

o_____o: Ok finally, my hamburger safe is unlocking. Wait.....what the fuck?!?

IGZ: What?

o_____o: HOW MUCH KETCHUP DID THEY PUT IN IT?!? I CAN'T EVEN SEE THE HAMBURGER!!!

IGZ: Holy shit! That's hilarious! It's like they spammed a bunch of ketchup in order to hide the fact that it's the same food you ate before.

o_____o: Exactly! This is ridiculous and disgusting. I can't eat this.

o_____o storms angrily up to the counter.

o_____o: THIS is not worth fifteen bucks. All you did was spam ketchup all over my hamburger. IT's disgusting, I can't eat it, I demand a refund for my friend right now.

David: I'm sorry sir, we want this to be a good experience for you too, but we can't give you your money back.

Desticle: DUDE, SHUT UP AND STOP WHINING! THE HAMBURGER IS FINE!

o_____o: IT IS NOT FINE, LOOK!

o_____o picks up the hamburger and it falls apart in his hands, bits and pieces splatter on the floor.

Desticle: You are just mad because you can't swallow it whole.

o_____o: WHY WOULD I WANT TO SWALLOW IT WHOLE? I LIKE TO ENJOY MY FOOD! BESIDES I DON'T ENJOY CHOKING.

Desticle: Well, I swallow whatever bungie gives me without any problem.

o_____o:.......

David: If you are really that angry, the CEO of my company is in the back. I'm sure he would love to hear your concerns.

o_____o: Please, get him. I would love to have a chat.

David goes in the back and returns followed by a man in a business suit. His badge says "H. Ryan."

H. Ryan: Hello, I'm the CEO of Bungie. I was told you have a complaint?  How may I help?

o____o began to explain all of the incompetence he experienced at McDonalds, expressed his concern over the direction of the company, and even offered some good suggestions. He told H. Ryan about how the company seemed to be taking steps backwards instead of forwards. Finally, he finished to let H. Ryan speak. The CEO of bungie pulled up a stool, climbed up onto the counter and began to speak.

H. Ryan: Thank you for your concerns. As always, our customers are our first priority. We've heard your feedback and we are always adjusting our ideas to fit the needs of our customers. We have received a lot of positive feedback over our new menu and revolutionary method of delivering edible content.

As H. Ryan talked, he began to unzip his pants and urinate all over o_____o and IGZ

o_____o: WHAT THE FUCK?!? WHY ARE YOU PISSING ON US?!?

IGZ: BRO, WHAT THE SHIT?!?

H. Ryan: Excuse me?

o_____o: YOU JUST PISSED ALL OVER ME!

H. Ryan: I am doing no such thing. It's raining.

o_____o: IT IS NOT RAINING, WE ARE INSIDE. YOU JUST GOT UP ON THAT COUNTER, UNZIPPED YOUR PANTS, PULLED OUT YOUR DICK AND PISSED ALL OVER US BOTH!

H. Ryan: I assure you sure, it is just raining. *lets a second stream loose onto o_____o and IGZ.

o______o: STOP PISSING ON US AND TELLING US IT'S RAIN!!!

IGZ: Dude, let's go.

o_____o: THAT'S A GREAT IDEA. I AM NEVER COMING BACK HERE AGAIN.

Desticle: THAT'S WHAT THEY ALL SAY! *takes out a paintbrush and paints his nose brown.

tl;dr

tl;dr

Get started today https://www.hookedonphonics.com/

I'm glad you're here

Fuckin' hilarious.

Quote from: Rocketman287 on December 20, 2014, 12:16:47 AM

tl;dr

Read it; it's incredible.

eh, its alright.

Quote from: Rocketman287 on December 20, 2014, 12:26:42 AM

Quote from: Cheat on December 20, 2014, 12:23:47 AM

Quote from: Rocketman287 on December 20, 2014, 12:16:47 AM

tl;dr

Read it; it's incredible.

eh, its alright.

You have no soul.

*waves bible in the air*

Literaly every line is pure fucking Gold.
Longface needs a legitimate career in satire and comedy entertainment.
Every post has me losing my shit.
This motherfucker is a genus.