I have about 20 minutes before I go to my psychologist appointment (yeah, you can tell I’m one crazy bitch, can’t you), so I thought I’d write a little bit about why I find it difficult to talk to my mom about the classes I chose to take this semester in college.

This semester, I signed up for multicultural literature, the theme rotates every year, and this year is lgbt literature. So I had to sign up! It sounded so cool. Yet, yesterday when I was riding in the car with my mom, I couldn’t bring myself to tell her about the classes that I was taking. I mentioned that I was really enjoying the multicultural literature class, and I even said that the short story I read last night was my favorite I’ve read so far. That attempt to coax an inquiry from my mom, seguing into a discussion about the topic, just didn’t happen.

Why I didn’t just bring up the topic to her directly, is because I don’t feel comfortable talking to my mom about lgbt themes. My mom has so many lgbt friends, actually organized a panel to discuss lgbt issue in my city, and talks about going to drag shows with her gay friends from college. Yet, I never talk to her about the issues that I feel, pertaining to my own self image and sexual orientation.

I would say that I’m gender non conforming, I’ve always preferred to see myself as cute, rather than manly. That isn’t to say that I feel like I’m trapped in the wrong body, although I do wish that the skin on my face was softer, and the hair on my legs wasn’t so thick. My mom, however, seems to have inborn biases which are present throughout all people, and so does my dad to a degree; even though I don’t think they’re aware of these things.

I once asked my mom whether or not she thought it was weird for guys to shave their legs; she told me that it’s definitely weird. I tell her often that I wish that my face wasn’t rough because of past acne problems, I even told her that I would prefer to be cute instead of manly, in those words. She says “oh, like a babies butt?” I think she may be trying to lighten the mood, but it does not seem appropriate at all, considering that actually is how I want my face to look, except for the macabre picture of the skin from a babies ass covering my face. What the fuck.

I hate gender norms, and I think that even the issue of sexuality falls into this category, which is why I don’t even feel comfortable telling my parents that sometimes I still go to that lgbt center that I volunteered at; which was just one of several organizations that I said I was interested in, under the moniker that I just really feel passionately about the cause. I’ve told my parents explicitly that I would date a guy, but I don’t find most guys attractive. I even let it slip from my tongue once that I was using the bisexual search option on okcupid. Yet in spite of all of this, I still feel uncomfortable talking about the issue with my mom.

The internet is where I usually cultivate a cuter, more androgynous personality, much like the “femboy” that I see myself as, than the “ruddy” faced (as my mom would say), hairy legged, totally butch guy that I identify as in general. This is one of the reasons I identify so strongly with the trans community I suppose, sometimes I even like to go by they them pronouns. I think I would fall more under the category of non binary though, I just want to reiterate for categorical accuracy, that I don’t see myself as transgender.

I was going to go to the queer student club at my college yesterday, but unfortunately I had an anxiety attack during multicultural literature class, which my mom was driving me home from the hospital from. I went to raise my hand during class, and all of a sudden I noticed that I felt like my hand was about to go limp and I was going to pass out. I was answering the question the professor posed, which was to give examples of bi chic in modern culture; I raised my hand and mentioned lil peep. The anxiety of raising my hand and talking about lil peep did give me some anxiety, but it was mostly because I had drank a medium cup of this unusually strong caffeinated coffee that morning, after not having much breakfast. I am really sensitive to caffeine, and that pushed me over the edge.

I won’t go into the effects of the actual anxiety attack, because they are horrendous and don’t need to be shared, I’m still sort of trying to get over how horrifying and somewhat embarrassing it was, but that is what brought up this issue for me in the first place - brought it into focus when usually it’s just something that I tolerate. It’s hard that I can’t even talk to my mom about the class I’m taking, and that it’s related, even if not directly, to what was happening when I had a huge anxiety attack.

Hey, it looks like I was able to finish writing this in 20 minutes! Now I am going to the place where I obviously belong, in the seat of a psychologist, talking about my problem with a person whose intelligent and understanding, and working through difficult, complex issues.

Tbh I would hug you

loaf you cunt ass bitch why did you delete me on Discord you stupid mong

no lol. I haven't seen you in a while, dude. I'm mittens on discord, add me, or just find me again. I never removed you. I'm late night can't sleep phone posting, so I'm not gonna be on to respond right now.

jim he didn't remove you

Slim Jim, he did not.

Huh, I don't think you are a tans person like I have seen of some people who switch genders, but I might be wrong, but I must say it is getting hard to figure out what you and being confident and being open to your family.

Well at least you can be slightly open to your family, while I cannot, due to concept of saving face in our extended family. Why I prefer to split my personality on both my family and their friends side and among my friends. But even with my friends it is kind of scary to talk, especially when one looked at me slightly weird when I said I had a thing for a dude who was kind of feminine.

Anyway sorry for hijacking, you planning on going back to the club to enter more discussions?

Also having anxiety attacks is a hell of a problem.

I'm not trans, I'm not going to transition to female. That would be ironic, considering I don't really identify with gender. I think that gender is an arbitrary social construct, there's not really any defined rules for what gender should be, and I know that I don't identify with strictly one variant of these generalized social norms. I would say that there's part of me that feel feminine and parts of me that feel masculine, although it's hard for me to even define what gender is in the first place.