I think I had my first "date" with a girl today... (semi-blog post)

Elai · November 19, 2015, 08:49:54 PM

I think it was platonic, though. We had lunch today, had a really good time, and now we're exchanging movie/album recommendations over text. We've been talking a lot over the last couple of weeks and we both really enjoy each other's company. And she wants me to exchange custom mixtapes with her tomorrow. They're supposed to represent our tastes and interests in music or whatever.

A bit of context to our 'relationship'

she [begrudgingly] broke up with one of my [close] friends 3 months ago after 12 months of "courting" and 2 months of dating. Throughout this time, I had never really talked with her... until a few weeks ago, where she sat down to talk with me after I made a comment about her hair. At which point, I found out that we are really fucking similar. Ever since then we've been chatting about life, philosophy, our troubles (my friend is making things difficult for her, my parents have kicked me out -- plenty to talk of) daily.

At first I felt really weird about it. I mean, I don't usually connect with people -- at all. But I did. So, I entertained the idea of actually pursuing something romantically with her. But over the course of the last couple of days, I've come to the conclusion that it would be wiser to allow her to get over my friend and for me to be there for her in a strictly platonic capacity. That being said, if she came onto me, I would be hard-pressed to refuse.

TL;DR
>broke up with my close friend 3 months ago
>talked to me 2 weeks ago
>connected emotionally and intellectually
>hanging out ever since
>had lunch
>am supposed to exchange custom mixtapes with her tomorrow

Now, I've withheld recommendations of the really good movies, like Inglorious Basterds, The Departed, The Godfather, Kill Bill, etc. because I want to watch those with her once our relationship is a bit more fleshed-out. But I'm not really sure what kind of music I should put on this mixtape, because I'm not sure what I want it to say about our relationship...

...additionally, I'm just not really sure whether or not I should continue this. I feel like such a cunt every time I look at my friend, because I can tell he misses her, and he doesn't trust me. I feel like I'm betraying him by giving into this. Part of me says "No, Jak, he's your friend. Ask his permission at the very least." But the other part of me says, "Jak, you're just her friend. And besides, he's a motherfucker that can't keep it in his pants more than a week. You deserve happiness after the last 5 years, even if nothing romantic comes from it."

I'm just sort of lost at the moment, so any useful advice is appreciated.

Jive Turkey · November 19, 2015, 09:00:20 PM

You are in an interesting predicament

On one hand I have a thing about NEVER messing around with any girl any of my good friends have been involved with. It is very hard especially when they come onto you

On the otherhand, you sound like you really click with this girl. I know how that is, i fall in love all the time lol it's one of the greatest feelings ever and i'm sure you kinda love it too right now.

I'm really not sure if I would refrain from getting close to this girl if I had the connection you have, even if she was my friends old girl.

One thing to consider is that nobody "owns" anybody. He isn't entitled to her. Your happiness is very important to you man.

Elai · November 19, 2015, 09:04:47 PM

Quote from: Jive Turkey on November 19, 2015, 09:00:20 PM

On the otherhand, you sound like you really click with this girl.

I do, man. I do. And considering the 'Master Chief's antithesis'-tier luck I've been having over the last 5 years, I feel like, idk, I deserve the happiness.

Girl of Mystery · November 19, 2015, 09:13:47 PM

Why'd they break up?

Elai · November 19, 2015, 09:19:15 PM

Quote from: LemOh-n on November 19, 2015, 09:13:47 PM

Why'd they break up?

The main one being that their lifestyles were too different. He's a drinker, smoker, party-er... she's not. She wants to go to University, he wants to start working right after highschool (mechanic). She doesn't want kids, he does.

She still loves him. But she says she's making the decision with her head. She had a lot of fun with him, but basing a relationship off of how much fun you have, while certainly a factor, is kind of stupid if you disagree on so many fundamental levels. You're just setting yourself up for failure like that, and she thinks that's why divorce rates are so high -- because people don't think about this stuff enough while dating and sort of jump into marriage without thinking.

Her words. But she's a girl after my own heart.

Elai · November 19, 2015, 09:22:12 PM

She was pretty much dating him for the same reasons I'm friends with him -- he's a fun dude to hang around.

Solonoid · November 19, 2015, 09:24:00 PM

I say fucking go for it man.

I let the woman I loved slip through my fingers, and I've been unable to be truly intimate with a woman since then.

Girl of Mystery · November 19, 2015, 09:24:25 PM

Quote from: Eliab on November 19, 2015, 09:19:15 PM

Quote from: LemOh-n on November 19, 2015, 09:13:47 PM
Why'd they break up?

The main one being that their lifestyles were too different. He's a drinker, smoker, party-er... she's not. She wants to go to University, he wants to start working right after highschool (mechanic). She doesn't want kids, he does.

She still loves him. But she says she's making the decision with her head. She had a lot of fun with him, but basing a relationship off of how much fun you have, while certainly a factor, is kind of stupid if you disagree on so many fundamental levels. You're just setting yourself up for failure like that, and she thinks that's why divorce rates are so high -- because people don't think about this stuff enough while dating and sort of jump into marriage without thinking.

Her words. But she's a girl after my own heart.

if i was in your position i'd almost definitely screw my friend over

but i'm kind of a dick, though, so...

Elai · November 19, 2015, 09:25:03 PM

Quote from: Sᴏʟᴏɴᴏɪᴅ on November 19, 2015, 09:24:00 PM

I say fucking go for it man.

You don't think I should wait a bit longer? At least until our relationship is at the level where we hang out at each others places or something?

Korra · November 19, 2015, 09:25:14 PM

Go for it.

Elai · November 19, 2015, 09:26:40 PM

Quote from: LemOh-n on November 19, 2015, 09:24:25 PM

if i was in your position i'd almost definitely screw my friend over

but i'm kind of a dick, though, so...

I'm no ray of sunshine either, m8.

Out of curiosity, how many friends do you have IRL? Ballpark.

I don't have many, so I may consider them more valuable if you have them in spades.

Elai · November 19, 2015, 09:27:22 PM

Quote from: 2nd Lieutenant Mira on November 19, 2015, 09:25:14 PM

Go for it.

Quote

You don't think I should wait a bit longer? At least until our relationship is at the level where we hang out at each others places or something?

Ushan · November 19, 2015, 09:27:34 PM

>Your friend doesn't own the girl, she can make her own choices. Do what feels right.
>The music doesn't necessarily make a clear message about where you want the relationship. If you put a bunch romance songs into the mixtape, she's just as likely to think you're gay or you're hung up over some other girl. Just put whatever music you like into it regardless of how you feel about her.
>Why are you even trading mixtapes? Did the nineties never end for you guys?
>Just tell her how you feel if you want the relationship to get romantic.

Korra · November 19, 2015, 09:28:11 PM

Quote from: Eliab on November 19, 2015, 09:27:22 PM

Quote from: 2nd Lieutenant Mira on November 19, 2015, 09:25:14 PM
Go for it.

Quote
You don't think I should wait a bit longer? At least until our relationship is at the level where we hang out at each others places or something?

Oh. Well, sure.

Elai · November 19, 2015, 09:30:11 PM

Quote from: Ushan on November 19, 2015, 09:27:34 PM

>Why are you even trading mixtapes? Did the nineties never end for you guys?

My car only takes CDs, and she's an old-school gal. She's more 80's music, I'm more... everything before and after (meaning 70s and 90s).

I don't know, I think it's kind of neat.

Girl of Mystery · November 19, 2015, 09:30:53 PM

But you should probably go for it.

I messed up my opportunity with the girl I was in love with. You'll hate yourself if you do the same.

Elai · November 19, 2015, 09:32:01 PM

Quote from: LemOh-n on November 19, 2015, 09:30:53 PM

You'll hate yourself if you do the same.

I already hate myself for doing it... twice. So yeah, I'm not going to fuck this up.

Elai · November 19, 2015, 09:32:35 PM

Kind of surprised at the support ITT, though. Some of you guys are alright.

Girl of Mystery · November 19, 2015, 09:33:31 PM

Quote from: Eliab on November 19, 2015, 09:26:40 PM

Quote from: LemOh-n on November 19, 2015, 09:24:25 PM
if i was in your position i'd almost definitely screw my friend over

but i'm kind of a dick, though, so...

I'm no ray of sunshine either, m8.

Out of curiosity, how many friends do you have IRL? Ballpark.

I don't have many, so I may consider them more valuable if you have them in spades.

Since I left high school, hardly any.
I can count them on one hand.

Korra · November 19, 2015, 09:34:22 PM

Quote from: Eliab on November 19, 2015, 09:32:35 PM

Kind of surprised at the support ITT, though. Some of you guys are alright.

So...

We shouldn't come to Sep7agon tomorrow?

Ushan · November 19, 2015, 09:34:25 PM

Quote from: Eliab on November 19, 2015, 09:30:11 PM

Quote from: Ushan on November 19, 2015, 09:27:34 PM
>Why are you even trading mixtapes? Did the nineties never end for you guys?

My car only takes CDs, and she's an old-school gal. She's more 80's music, I'm more... everything before and after (meaning 70s and 90s).

I don't know, I think it's kind of neat.

Well groovy, ask her out when you're giving her the mixtape. You can bond over how you wish culture had stagnated after you two were born.

Elai · November 19, 2015, 09:35:42 PM

Quote from: LemOh-n on November 19, 2015, 09:33:31 PM

Since I left high school, hardly any.
I can count them on one hand.

Yeah, so you're probably in the same boat I am.

I dunno... realistically, I know they loved each other... but I know my friend. He'll be over her once he doesn't have to see her every day. He's already been with other girls since the break-up...

I've been in love -- I know what it's like. What they had wasn't love. They just think it was.

Elai · November 19, 2015, 09:36:36 PM

Quote from: 2nd Lieutenant Mira on November 19, 2015, 09:34:22 PM

So...

We shouldn't come to Sep7agon tomorrow?

I was going to make a Metal Gear reference. "Some of you Diamond Dogs are all right..."

but y'know, time and place...

Korra · November 19, 2015, 09:37:02 PM

Quote from: Eliab on November 19, 2015, 09:36:36 PM

Quote from: 2nd Lieutenant Mira on November 19, 2015, 09:34:22 PM
So...

We shouldn't come to Sep7agon tomorrow?

I was going to make a Metal Gear reference. "Some of you Diamond Dogs are all right..."

but y'know, time and place...

lol

Girl of Mystery · November 19, 2015, 09:37:17 PM

Hey, at least you aren't in my situation though.

Elai · November 19, 2015, 09:38:08 PM

Quote from: Ushan on November 19, 2015, 09:34:25 PM

Well groovy, ask her out when you're giving her the mixtape. You can bond over how you wish culture had stagnated after you two were born.

I won't ask her out, but I'll just invite her to my place for some Tarantino and chill or something.

FTR, I don't wish culture had stagnated after we were born.

Big Boss · November 19, 2015, 09:41:19 PM

I'm no good at this shit but I'll do my best. Sorry if I make no sense.

First off, the bros before hoes thing is dumb as fuck. If you find a girl you're really happy and want to spend time with, great. If your other friends can't accept that and get jealous, then fuck them for being immature about it. Not saying that's what's happening with you but still.

Feelings can change. She might still love him but if she realizes that she's happier with you then that's her choice and she'll come around. I think deep down you always feel something for your ex, but the more you fall in love with someone else, the deeper that older feeling goes. It's still there, but not as strong because you've found somebody else.

Just follow your heart, man. Sounds fucking cheesy but it's true. Love can make you do silly things but that's what happens. If you spend too much time overthinking and analyzing it then it'll be too late and they'll be gone, and you'll be kicking yourself for it.

If she's still not over him though, don't make your feelings too obvious yet until they start showing signs. That's what happened with me and my girlfriend, I just made sure that I was there for here and eventually she admitted her feelings, and I did too.

Hahahaha very funny Zonda · November 19, 2015, 09:42:42 PM

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TB · November 19, 2015, 09:44:50 PM

Quote from: Eliab on November 19, 2015, 09:30:11 PM

Quote from: Ushan on November 19, 2015, 09:27:34 PM
>Why are you even trading mixtapes? Did the nineties never end for you guys?

She's more 80's music,

Oh really...
>.>
<.<
Too bad she thinks I hate Jewish people.

Spoiler

Nah but srsly I still say fuckin' go for it.

Elai · November 19, 2015, 09:45:48 PM

Quote from: Big Boss on November 19, 2015, 09:41:19 PM

First off, the bros before hoes thing is dumb as fuck. If you find a girl you're really happy and want to spend time with, great. If your other friends can't accept that and get jealous, then fuck them for being immature about it. Not saying that's what's happening with you but still.

I want to agree with you, but try to put yourself in his shoes... I know what it's like to be stabbed in the back by your brother. My first love cheated on me with my best friend. It SUCKS. If I was in his position, and he asked me... I'd probably allow him to, but... I'd feel lousy about it and probably couldn't be around them.

Quote

If she's still not over him though, don't make your feelings too obvious yet until they start showing signs. That's what happened with me and my girlfriend, I just made sure that I was there for here and eventually she admitted her feelings, and I did too.

Yeah, that's what I'll be doing. You can ask TBlocks (he's sort of been my confidante the last couple of weeks), I feel weirdly okay with just being her friend until she's over him.