I have a confession

The Hån · August 15, 2015, 11:20:06 PM

I like black women.

Epsira · August 15, 2015, 11:36:37 PM

Quote from: ⁭⁭⁭⁭ on August 15, 2015, 11:05:23 PM

Some little part of me, wants to give it up. It's always sort of there. And, I know I have to be really, really careful about that.

I'm not interested in dying anytime soon, but it's an alternative to something I think is worse. I'm familiar with some part desiring cessation whilst the rest wishes to remain. I think about it like an undulating wave or the tide sweeping in. It's maddening.

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Because I have a rather poor sense of self preservation. If I ever come across somebody in a shitty situation that was going to likely kill them, but I had a chance to help them, even if it meant I'd likely die, I know that I'd take it. Almost without hesitation.

You like messing with the mechanics of things and seeing what makes it tick, right? I don't find it surprising that you have morbid curiosities either because you seem like the type of person driven by curiosity of function itself. If there's anything we don't know the mechanics of, it's death.

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Which is why I question on whether or not I'm just a selfish asshole who is controlled and held in check by his sense of self hate, or whether I'm a decent person.

Do you need an extreme situation to justify beta testing death? What are you trying to prove to whom by doing so in a situation like this?

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Which also makes me wonder what kind of fucked up person I am. Would I be considered psychopathic in some sense? Mentally insane? Deranged? Unstable?

How does "guilt-ridden" strike you?

Sandtrap · August 16, 2015, 12:09:55 AM

Quote from: Epsira on August 15, 2015, 11:36:37 PM

Do you need an extreme situation to justify beta testing death? What are you trying to prove to whom by doing so in a situation like this?

How does "guilt-ridden" strike you?

1. If I were going to off myself, I wouldn't do it in the "traditional" sense. I'd try to make sure that while something was lost in the process, (my life) something was gained, (somebody's life saved)

But I'm not trying to prove anything. I'm just curious. It's an allure that I couldn't ever explain, and it's one that I still can't explain. I just simply want to see. And if I can't see, assuming there's nothing, then that won't be a bother to me will it? I just think, doing something decent for somebody before I kicked the bucket would make up for my seemingly dangerous and selfish fascination and want.

But I wouldn't pursue it to the point of selfishness. Let's say somebody was drowning in some water. I'd jump in and save them. And then I'd get out of the water. I wouldn't just toss them onto shore and then drown myself. I figure, I'll just go along until the moment comes. It's going to come one day anyway.

2. "Lost" would be a better term.

I don't know who the fuck I am, or why I am. I've never met a person like myself. I've never read of anything like some of the stuff I keep cooped up in my head. I ask myself if I'm just deranged in some fashion but then question on whether it would be deranged or insane if I was actively aware of it.

My doc bestowed me the title of chronically depressed, and yet, I'm always actively aware of how down I can be. And I never see myself slipping into it. None of it makes any sense to me.

It's illogical. And I'm trying to find the reasons why and I just don't know. I really don't have a clue as to why I am the way I am. And it makes me feel fucking alone as shit.

R o c k e t · August 16, 2015, 01:28:54 AM

I sin

Elai · August 16, 2015, 03:08:50 AM

I really don't have anything to confess. I'm pretty honest with everyone.