I'm 21 and male. I'll be in my third year of college this Fall. Class starts on Monday and I'm just enjoying the last bit of my Summer break at home.
Today, I woke up and had breakfast. I ate greek yogurt, some bleu cheese crumbles, a can of Pepsi(the special 1893 brand with ginger added), half a rotisserie chicken with some olive oil and a bowl of ramen noodles with olive oil added. After breakfast, I felt full and sluggish and went to lay in my room, feeling somewhat depressed. I laid around, texting a few girls I met on Tinder(I've since deleted the app), with hit or miss results. A few are good with replies one is not super talkative and one has basically ghosted me.
A couple hours later, I finally get myself out of the house. I withdraw some cash from the bank, pick up the new Deus Ex game from GameStop and then go down to the local Republican Party office and pick up some Trump bumper stickers.
After this, I head to the local Barnes & Noble with the intention of sitting in the Starbucks Café and reading articles on my laptop. This is when things start to go downhill mentally.
I often have active sexual desires and one of the Tinder girls was on my mind. I texted her saying how I desired her and I complimented her a bit and wanted to hang out soon but she works two jobs so she's busy all week. My mind and feelings bounced between feeling lustful and desiring her and feeling very convicted and wrong about the whole thing. On one hand, I really did feel lustful in general and toward her and I wanted to talk to her and hang out but I also felt so wrong about it. It's not right, it's sinful, it won't lead to anything positive. It was literally an internal struggle. I felt like I was in heat. My heart was pounding faster than normal while I sat in the Café and tried to focus on articles while my mind was consumed by this psychological conflict. I felt like such a wreck inside. I hit on her some and she was cordial but not especially receptive so, due to a combination of failed advances and personal conviction, I apologized to her for lusting and wished her good luck and then deleted her from Snapchat. It's worth noting that we had gone through a few cycles of advances and then apologizing the past few days. I was so indecisive about her and it felt like a lost cause. I ultimately just wanted to wash my hands of the whole thing and break free of the lust.
I got a Mountain Dew from the Café and drank it while I wandered around the book store, browsing books somewhat absentmindedly while I tried to enjoy the drink and calm down from my internal episode. It didn't help much. Honestly, I felt even worse afterward. I've been on such a soda binge the past week. I feel so sick. I'm swearing it off and breaking free of feeling bloated and disgusting. It's poison. I can't take it anymore.
I just felt restless and had to find a new location to sit and browse things online. Also, my laptop was dying and the Café only had one outlet that was taken. Lately, I've had a bad habit of being discontent with every study location I find, always being annoyed by the slightest inconveniences.
I drove around, listening to music. While I drove, I looked at my phone frequently, feeling quite annoyed and insecure about the one Tinder girl who was ghosting me. We hit it off a bunch of days back but her long work schedule would often interrupt and delay conversations, much to my annoyance. She had hinted at hooking up(from my interpretation) or at least giving me a massage and we'd talked about Facetiming and hanging out but it never materialized. She'd often take hours to reply or even til the next day. I assumed it was because of her job because she only works and doesn't go to school, but it still bummed me out. I finally pointed it out and she replied with a few texts but then it went back to the same and I got fed up with it and said that while I like her, she takes a while to reply and it doesn't feel there, so good luck with everything. I was sure that would get her to say something but the next day came and no reply. It's an utter pet peeve of mine when a girl takes forever to reply or ghosts me. It's either annoying or simply rude and hurtful and honestly cowardly. Today, after leaving Barnes & Noble, I drove around all stressed out and high on libido. I just couldn't shake girls from my mind. I was very irritated with this girl who was silent, especially after it had been going well for a bit, so I sent some more texts after the goodbye text, saying that I shouldn't pressure her or be selfish, considering her schedule. Then I sent more later on about wanting to hang out and wondering if she was hinting at hooking up a few days back and then how I felt bummed out about not hanging out or Facetiming and that it's okay if she has found someone else or isn't interested, but she should say so because to be quiet is rude, hurtful, insulting and upsetting. Before a lot of this, I also sent a snapchat picture message around Noon that still hasn't been opened. I will say that if she has ghosted me, which feels likely, that's so rude and pathetic. I can't stand when girls want guys to play the "take a hint" game. No, I refuse to! That's pathetic and low! People should be honest and straightforward. I've often called out girls over ghosting in the past and it's had 50/50 results. Some have finally replied and owned up to being lousy or at least explained why they lost interest and there was finally a formal goodbye. Others stayed silent or blocked my FB and/or number. I just cannot stand to let ghosting or the hint game crap go with no reproach. It's just cowardly and disappointing.
At this point, I was basically an insecure wreck and feeling obsessive about girls. I drove around town in my car aimlessly, either with an angry face or in a state of laughing hysterically because of how insane I realized I was acting. While driving, I even went on Snapchat and sent a few other girls random video messages of me in my car making funny faces while bobbing my head wildly back and forth. Some thought it was silly, others didn't reply. I just didn't know what to do with myself.
I finally met up with a friend and we played the new Deus Ex game at his house. I was able to calm down a bit and collect my thoughts. After that, I went back to the Starbucks Café at Barnes & Nobles and finally sat down to write this out. It feels very cathartic to get this all out of my head and it's also helping me to find some self-awareness and realize how nuts I probably sound.
At this point, I just want to calm down, stop struggling with insecurity, desperation and lust and get my life together. I can't live everyday like this.
Discuss

I read the whole thing, and I sorely regret it. Like this post if you also read it.

Mountain Dew is bad for you

It's like jive and loaf joined forces

Quote from: Jive Turkey on August 24, 2016, 12:21:05 PM

I accidentally destroyed all estrogen and arOmatase enzyme in my body

Skin is dry
Bones feel brittle
Extreme anxiety
Mentalbreakdowns
Obsessive thoughts about a girl
Dick is dead
Feel/depressed and want to die

Fuuuuuck just a few more days till I'm a ok

might be time to ease off the roids boyo

hehe I'll be good in a few days, I just took too much estrogen blocker. lesson learned though

that reminds me of this one time i went to warsaw,

Quote from: Jive Turkey on August 24, 2016, 12:27:56 PM

Quote from: Varg on August 24, 2016, 12:24:26 PM

Quote from: Jive Turkey on August 24, 2016, 12:21:05 PM

I accidentally destroyed all estrogen and arOmatase enzyme in my body

Skin is dry
Bones feel brittle
Extreme anxiety
Mentalbreakdowns
Obsessive thoughts about a girl
Dick is dead
Feel/depressed and want to die

Fuuuuuck just a few more days till I'm a ok

might be time to ease off the roids boyo

hehe I'll be good in a few days, I just took too much estrogen blocker. lesson learned though

what the fuck why are you taking blockers

exogenous testosterone converts into estrogen

Too much is bad
Too little is awful

Hard to find the sweet spot

Quote from: Jive Turkey on August 24, 2016, 10:03:19 PM

Quote from: Varg on August 24, 2016, 12:44:51 PM

Quote from: Jive Turkey on August 24, 2016, 12:27:56 PM

Quote from: Varg on August 24, 2016, 12:24:26 PM

Quote from: Jive Turkey on August 24, 2016, 12:21:05 PM

I accidentally destroyed all estrogen and arOmatase enzyme in my body

Skin is dry
Bones feel brittle
Extreme anxiety
Mentalbreakdowns
Obsessive thoughts about a girl
Dick is dead
Feel/depressed and want to die

Fuuuuuck just a few more days till I'm a ok

might be time to ease off the roids boyo

hehe I'll be good in a few days, I just took too much estrogen blocker. lesson learned though

what the fuck why are you taking blockers

exogenous testosterone converts into estrogen

Too much is bad
Too little is awful

Hard to find the sweet spot

or you could just not fuck with it

Too bad I wanna look like a demigod

I posted walls but at least I had the decency to try and space them out so they didn't burn the eyes.

I also can't tell if this is copy pasta or serious.

Quote from: Jive Turkey on August 24, 2016, 10:25:14 PM

Quote from: Tyger on August 24, 2016, 10:05:07 PM

Quote from: Jive Turkey on August 24, 2016, 10:03:19 PM

Quote from: Varg on August 24, 2016, 12:44:51 PM

Quote from: Jive Turkey on August 24, 2016, 12:27:56 PM

Quote from: Varg on August 24, 2016, 12:24:26 PM

Quote from: Jive Turkey on August 24, 2016, 12:21:05 PM

I accidentally destroyed all estrogen and arOmatase enzyme in my body

Skin is dry
Bones feel brittle
Extreme anxiety
Mentalbreakdowns
Obsessive thoughts about a girl
Dick is dead
Feel/depressed and want to die

Fuuuuuck just a few more days till I'm a ok

might be time to ease off the roids boyo

hehe I'll be good in a few days, I just took too much estrogen blocker. lesson learned though

what the fuck why are you taking blockers

exogenous testosterone converts into estrogen

Too much is bad
Too little is awful

Hard to find the sweet spot

or you could just not fuck with it

Too bad I wanna look like a demigod

your dick will literally stop working properly and you'll run into health problems down the line
it's not worth it

Not true. Believe it or not I'm VERY educated on hormones