I was listening to Spotify when I song I know well, Ten, by Yellowcard came on.

For some reason, it clicked with me tonight that the song is about his child (I imagine daughter) who was never born, where before I had only heard nostalgic lyrics and a catchy melody, I found something much deeper.

That may or may not be what the song is actually about, but this is what hit me.

Then the upbeat chorus came back on and I tried to sing along, but found myself breaking up, tearing up, and within moments, sobbing as I walked down the street.

It's so beautiful that someone could love a child who never existed so much, and so unfair that so many children who are born never really know love at all.

At this point I had to stop in an alley to get myself together, much of this comprised of sitting on the ground holding my knees and rocking back and forth.

I stepped out of the alley to view the world in disgust. My disgust was brief, as it quickly turned into self pity.

The tears came and went for the remainder of my walk home, accompanied by grasps for answers from an absent father and a drunkard mother (even worse when my father stopped being absent and my mother started I learned my father was a drunk too), and thoughts of suicide.

About a three blocks from home I stood in the middle of the road as a car careened down the street, barreling toward me to end my miserable life, when I pussied out, not because I couldn't bring myself to it, but because I thought that was a very selfish way to go. Somebody else would have to live with that forever.

With each passing day these breakdowns are coming more frequently and more intensely, and I'm afraid I'll need to seek help soon.

I've been off of my meds since Christmas (I promised the Navy I wouldn't pursue any further psychological help and I didn't need my meds, but then some kinks have waylaid the shit out of my enrollment, perhaps even suspended it indefinitely) and I don't think I can do it anymore.

What should I do?

Let me rephrase that.

Oh god, somebody please help me.

Looked that up on Spotify and turned it off after 2 seconds. You need better taste in music. That shit was trash.

If there was one thing I learned, it's that if you're unhappy, you've got to change it. It's not just going to stumble on over and beat you upside the head.

I dunno much about you and maybe first impressions are wrong, but it seems like you're drifting and that you're lost to any sort of direction you'd want your life to go. And, you yourself might be caught in for a loop. Self loathing or depression can be a self fulfilling cycle, to the point where somebody's been in that state for so long, that in a weird warped way, they become "happy" with being unhappy.

But it's not a true version of happiness since their unhappiness multiplies in response, dropping them closer to point of no return.

I won't beat around the bush here. This all comes down to you.

Help can be given by people to give you direction but ultimately it has to be you that wants to change and do something about it. And that's the toughest part that a lot of people fail at. They want help and they want escape but they want it done for them.

Trust me, if there was an easy button to push that'd make your problems dissappear and then reappear as a nice ordered life I'm sure anybody here would push it if they had the chance. Such is not the case. You need to pick yourself up off the floor and start turning your life around.

Find your issues and problems and start fixing them. And if you don't know where to start, then get help and directions. But it all comes down to you. You have to want to change things in the first place.

And if you're really in that much trouble, then get back on your meds if they're what can balance you out.

Were you on drugs? If so chill with them for a bit.

Idk what to tell you Sol, but I think your mental health is more important than the Navy and would recommend going back for help if things continue to worsen

That's not always the case. I didn't like where I was at before, so I changed myself and it temporarily got me to a better place in life, I feel I'm still right back where I started. I tried again, and I got stuck again. And again, and again, and again. I'm not going to give up, I'm better than that but every failed attempt crushes the morale even more. And I did happen to stumble upon happiness, but it went away on its own and every attempt at trying to bring it back is met with the same result.

I feel significantly better than I did a little over three weeks ago, I can finally work, sleep, and raid again. But the thoughts don't seem to go away, and I feel I'm slowly falling back into that state of mind I was in last month. Luckily the new Eva announcement this morning has held it off considerably as that's always the thing that can keep me somewhat upbeat in moody thoughts.

If there was one thing I learned, it's that if you're unhappy, you've got to change it. It's not just going to stumble on over and beat you upside the head.

That's not always the case. I didn't like where I was at before, so I changed myself and it temporarily got me to a better place in life, I feel I'm still right back where I started. I tried again, and I got stuck again. And again, and again, and again. I'm not going to give up, I'm better than that but every failed attempt crushes the morale even more. And I did happen to stumble upon happiness, but it went away on its own and every attempt at trying to bring it back is met with the same result.

I feel significantly better than I did a little over three weeks ago, I can finally work, sleep, and raid again. But the thoughts don't seem to go away, and I feel I'm slowly falling back into that state of mind I was in last month. Luckily the new Eva announcement this morning has held it off considerably as that's always the thing that can keep me somewhat upbeat in moody thoughts.

Quote from: Sandtrap on March 31, 2016, 11:24:49 AM

If there was one thing I learned, it's that if you're unhappy, you've got to change it. It's not just going to stumble on over and beat you upside the head.

Well, since we're talking about problems here, I may as well mention momentum.

It's another thing that a lot of people seem to forget about, or they have little clue over. When you're trying to make yourself better in any regard, the most important thing is following a logical path of steps that you can take to fully realize an end result.

A lot of people's mistakes when dealing with being depressed, revolve around acceptance, or being too content with their situation. It relates back to what I said earlier about unhappy people having a warped sense of happiness. They're miserable, but they accept it and aren't content to change.

Some people, however, take their first steps and try to climb out of their hole. But they still have that underlying issue of being too content. Content isn't the right word for this, but it's all I have on hand at the moment. Anyway, they'll climb up a little bit, and they might reach a spot where they can say that they're happy.

But they haven't yet solved their problems or really tackled their real issues. So in this little pit stop of temporary happiness, they make their mistake. They stop. They feel content with their current position, and so they stop and stay where they're at. And then, inevitably, their happiness fades as their problems gnaw at them again.

Their mistake is stopping. The key to really beating your issues is to string your progress together in a successive chain without stopping. You reached a high point in your life and accomplished a goal? Good. Keep climbing and work towards the next rung on the ladder.

What so many people falter at, is that they stop. And when you stop, you slide back down again. And exactly what you said happens. It gets harder and harder to pull yourself out of your hole again every time you slide back down.

And here I thought I was the only person that listened to Yellowcard.

Quote from: JUSTFLUXMYSHITUP on March 31, 2016, 10:14:00 PM

And here I thought I was the only person that listened to Yellowcard.

bruh comeone
everyone at least loves Ocean Avenue

I just never ever hear anyone mention them, especially not in the past few years despite their comeback after their hiatus.

Quote from: JUSTFLUXMYSHITUP on March 31, 2016, 10:14:00 PM

And here I thought I was the only person that listened to Yellowcard.

 i like yellowcard, but fighting is the only song i know from them.

Listen to Way Away.  Definitely a good song by them.

And Sol, the first verse pretty much spells it out.
Narrator's  away when his wife miscarries and the rest if the song is his lamentation