I was in the shop down the road earlier, and this big fat bitch comes waddling through the door. And I mean fat; if she were to lie down, there'd be space between the floor and the top of her legs. I noticed a little plastic fork in her one hand, and lo and behold she had a little box with a mound of kebab in from the local chippy. Jesus fucking Christ. Who just walks into a store with food? At least eat it outside.

Before long, she was waddling down the aisles leaving other customers little room to breathe, let alone move. You could feel her footfalls; the shop felt like it was going to jump out of its foundations. Of course, she spent little time perusing the shop's wares--she knew exactly what she wanted. She bolted (at the pace of around a half a mile an hour) to the confectionery aisle. Either she's evolved a capacity to recognise and categorise chocolate at an astounding rate, or she entered the shop with her upcoming purchases in mind. She shovelled all manner of shit into her arms: big chocolate bars, meant for sharing; little chocolate bars for the quick "snack"; bags of assorted chocolates; white chocolate; milk chocolate. If you can name it, she'd probably picked up it.

After grabbing all of her desired wares, she lumbers over to the till and dumps it all down in front of the cashier. A kindly old lady, with a look of terror and dread on her face. She clearly knew that the effort it would take to sort and scan all of this had a higher chance of killing her than winter ever did. The fat bitch, stood their wheezing like a dusty computer fan, continued to shovel her kebab into her mouth; I will never know how she managed to fit so much food onto such a tiny, plastic fork. But, God help her, she managed to finish the mound of food before the cashier had bagged all of her shit. She then proceeded to lick her kebab carton to make sure she didn't leave any mayonnaise behind, dropped it on the floor and then lumbered out of the shop with all her diabetes-causing, artery-clogging, non-vegan deathfoods.

That fat girl was me, five years ago. Before I started buying and using SlimFast shortly after, because I'd looked in the mirror and realised I was ugly. Then I got fit, got ripped and now I prowl Sep7agon rating people on their appearance. I'm Jive Turkey, and that is my story.

Inspiring

LOL!

Are you M. Night Shamalalabingbang?

LOL

Seriously though if anybody eats mayo with kabab you need to kill yourself my friend.

REMOVE KEBAB

she had a little box with a mound of kebab in from the local chippy

wut

ok you got me. lol That was a good one.

I skipped to the ending after the first sentence, I wish I hadn't.....kinda ruined it