A special forces sniper retires a hero, with a comically high kill count and cheesy lines to boot.

One night, showing off his heroism in a bar he meets an airheaded bimbo who's totally into it. Fast forward a few years, and they're married, he works a steady office job.

One day he runs into his high school sweetheart at a coffee shop, she is now an Olympic gymnast.

He starts realizing he isn't cut out for office work, and becomes desperate for a taste of his old life.

Briefly, he takes up being a Punisher esque vigilante, putting down thugs, saving damsels in alleyways, the whole shebang.

This lasts a couple of weeks, but it becomes apparent in his work life that he isn't on its a-game because of his double life, and he drops the ball in a big way and gets fired.

On his way out of the building he is kidnapped. It's revealed that his kidnapper is a crime lord who has been following his actions as a vigilante, and also arranged his termination of employment.

He offers him a job as a hit man, and wins him over with the promise of action and exotic places.

For a few months he manages to pull off an Incredibles esque cover story to his wife; he got a big promotion and now he has to travel for work.

This lasts a few months, but she discovers he was fired one night when an old work friend of his comes over and brings it up. He plays it off as though it happened as a result of a bumbling he made on his last trip, being an airhead, she believes it.

His new employer calls, and gives him his target. He tells his wife he won the lottery and he wants to take her on an exotic vacation to Rome.

He manages to eliminate the target without his wife finding out, but she comes close to both discovering him and also blowing the hit.

He takes her on these 'vacations' regularly, until the Olympics come around. He is assigned to eliminate an athlete. After getting into town, he runs into his high school sweetheart they reminisce and have a romantic moment, but he must return to his wife.

At the games he excuses himself to go to the bathroom, but really he eliminates his target, an Asian gymnast.

When he gets back to his seat his wife is gone, there is a cell phone taped to her chair. The phone rings, it is a rival crime lord, who reveals he kidnapped the hitman's wife and all of his targets have been lieutenants or enforcers of this rival boss. He says if he ever wants to see her again he must reveal who he's working for.

The hit man confides in his high school sweetheart, who attempts to seduce him, and when he refuses, she says "They've probably already killed her, [employer's name] will probably have you killed if you betray him, just be with me, we were meant for each other."

"I never told you what my employer's name wad."

In addition to being a gymnast, she's a master of karate, and an enforcer for his employer. They fight, he is outmatched but escapes.

He betrays his employer and saves his wife, and now the employer is after him.

They use the insurmountable resources he has saved up from executing each hit frugally, and pocketing the budget to flee across the globe, but are tracked down everywhere they go.

He decides they can no longer run and takes the fight to his boss.

Weakened by his war against the rival boss, the boss' HQ is easily infiltrated by the hit man. The boss reveals that he is the high school sweetheart's father. The hit man says he will spare his life if he stops pursuing him.

The boss says he will just have to kill him. He does. The sweetheart inherits the organization, she defeats him in hand to hand combat, and is poised to kill him with a sai.

At that moment, airhead blows sweetheart's brains out, revealing that she defied hit man's order to stay hidden in their seedy motel room, and is actually a badass in her own right, despite being stupid.

Thugs swarm the building and the couple shoots their way out. Out of ammo and cornered on the roof, they think they're done for, but the rival boss' men pick off the remaining assailants from a helicopter, which lands, and the rival boss offers the hit man and airhead a job, which they take.

Oh, btw, everybody is played by Nick Cage.

Everybody.