How have you changed since Sep7 began?

 
Jono
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Goodness gracious, great balls of lightning!
You guys caught me at the very tail end of a major depressive episode so you didn't get to see that much of who I used to be.
More or less the same case for a lot of people here. Probably why it became such a cesspool, if you think about it. This has never really been a healthy community.
That's why sometimes I worry about the people that vanished from this place without warning and never came back.

If they were battling their inner demons I just hope that they managed to get better and find happiness. If leaving this site was for the better for them then I hope they're all doing okay.


Super Irish | Legendary Invincible!
 
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If I'm not here, I'm doing photography. Or I'm asleep. Or in lockdown. One of those three, anyway.

The current titlebar/avatar setup is just normal.
You guys caught me at the very tail end of a major depressive episode so you didn't get to see that much of who I used to be.
More or less the same case for a lot of people here. Probably why it became such a cesspool, if you think about it. This has never really been a healthy community.
That's why sometimes I worry about the people that vanished from this place without warning and never came back.

If they were battling their inner demons I just hope that they managed to get better and find happiness. If leaving this site was for the better for them then I hope they're all doing okay.

You never know, this place could have been the source of some their misery.

Maybe leaving it freed them.
Last Edit: May 22, 2021, 06:52:43 AM by Super Irish


 
Jono
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Goodness gracious, great balls of lightning!
You guys caught me at the very tail end of a major depressive episode so you didn't get to see that much of who I used to be.
More or less the same case for a lot of people here. Probably why it became such a cesspool, if you think about it. This has never really been a healthy community.
That's why sometimes I worry about the people that vanished from this place without warning and never came back.

If they were battling their inner demons I just hope that they managed to get better and find happiness. If leaving this site was for the better for them then I hope they're all doing okay.

You never know, this place could have been the source of sone their misery.

Maybe leaving it freed them.
We made of guys like RomanGladiator a lot for his unfortunate outcomes then one day he vanished and never came back, all without warning too. This guy had the absolute worst luck if all of his stories ended up being legitimate. I hope that he finally found a girl that loves him and is living happily wherever he is.


Haven’t heard from other guys like Boomdeyadah either for a while, he even left my discord channel and I haven’t seen him on Xbox when we would always play the MCC together. Hope he’s doing alright too.


 
ಠ_ಠ
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We knew the world would not be the same.
A few people laughed, a few people cried, most people were silent.
I remembered the line from the Hindu scripture, the Bhagavad-Gita.
Vishnu is trying to persuade the Prince that he should do his duty
and to impress him takes on his multi-armed form and says,
"Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.."
I suppose we all thought that one way or another.
You guys caught me at the very tail end of a major depressive episode so you didn't get to see that much of who I used to be.
More or less the same case for a lot of people here. Probably why it became such a cesspool, if you think about it. This has never really been a healthy community.
That's why sometimes I worry about the people that vanished from this place without warning and never came back.

If they were battling their inner demons I just hope that they managed to get better and find happiness. If leaving this site was for the better for them then I hope they're all doing okay.

You never know, this place could have been the source of some their misery.

Maybe leaving it freed them.
tbh it's why I've left a few times, but I always eventually seem to wind up coming back. It's one of the few places in my entire life that has the comfort of not completely changing beyond recognition or being ripped out from my hands. For as long as it exists, there will always be familiar faces here. And it hasn't all been bad, but I do have a lot of negative associations that originated from this forum.

The whole 'getting outed' thing fucked with me on a level I hadn't anticipated. I had after all, when Sep7agon first started, been freshly dumped, a few months before that kicked out. At the time I was relatively safe living at my friend's house, but pretty soon his parents were about to divorce and things were about to get much, much worse. I clung onto this forum as my only escape from my real life. After it was blasted across here and b.net that I was a nasty 'ol tranny that could potentially become the fun new punching bag I decided I wasn't going to let some stupid assholes take my only escape from me, but it came at the cost of a lot of really bad personality changes at such a huge developmental/turning point in my life. Since I wasn't going to let people take it from me I thought, I had to make it so that people wouldn't be able to attack me/make it look like it didn't really affect me. Not inherently a bad thing itself, but with the forum entering one of its most toxic phases that meant me joining if not initiating the bullying towards other people. I'd justified to myself that I'd never initiate without them first provoking me, but nonetheless I was still complicit in cruelty towards others. I will never change my opinion that the Anarchy board destroyed a lot of things here.

Being the first publicly known/confirmed trans person of the community, by force or not, also led to the endless long Serious threads full of arguing the legitimacy of trans people as a whole. Around the time a number of people came out to me privately in PMs, eventually some publicly of their own volition. But the endless long threads had always felt extremely targeted regardless of if they were or not, and the endless arguing over whether me or people like me were really real, if my experience was really legitimate... well it really really fucked with me on an extremely deep level when I was already juggling fresh trauma from multiple other sources. I felt compelled to try to justify my own existence, retain what little bit of acceptance I could hold onto. Compounded with my experiences in real life losing everything I had ever cared about- this turned into a violent hatred of not necessarily myself, but what I was. Intrusive thoughts about how being trans ruined my life, hating being trans evolved into disgust, especially towards people who didn't do everything they could to blend in and be "normal", hatred of people who seemed to enjoy being trans while I was working for organizations like fucking Pride. Was the hundreds of hours of volunteering all just a massive cope?

Down the line this all led me to becoming an extremely bitter, miserable, and isolated person. The isolation is probably what destroyed me the most. I'd cut myself off from most of my IRL networks I'd built up on blood and sweat and burnt out hard. I've spent most of my life even from a younger age in a never-ending state of self reflection, on a quest for self improvement. Isolation has long been something that encompasses much of my life. But my time spent here has been during the darkest part of my history in more ways than one, and has made me do and say things I deeply regret. Not that I'm sure of what any of the alternatives were. I was not mentally equipped to handle the scenario that was thrown at me here, and many (not all) of the others who surrounded me at the time were just as unstable or had questionable leanings. While I resented "giving them what they want" and just leaving my only escape from life, perhaps that would've been the best solution. But I don't know.

Despite everything though, even with this place being as slow as it is now with not much of interest to come back to, I always seem to regardless. Even when I told myself that I wouldn't really be missed. Currently the trials presented to me in life are more physical, involving multiple long recoveries. Been taking the opportunity to sort myself out through this process since I've had a lot of fucking downtime, even with covid aside. I'd spent so much of my life yearning for the acceptance of others that I neglected it from the most important source: myself. I conjured up a self hatred that I reframed as "I don't hate me, just this disgusting life destroying thing I am that I don't even want to be to begin with" and that has probably been the most difficult thing to confront. Still working in it, really.



This turned a bit longer than I anticipated. While I wrote this I started visualizing all the ways people would've responded about how I'm just being a whiny cunt who can't take the bants. Figures.


Super Irish | Legendary Invincible!
 
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If I'm not here, I'm doing photography. Or I'm asleep. Or in lockdown. One of those three, anyway.

The current titlebar/avatar setup is just normal.
You guys caught me at the very tail end of a major depressive episode so you didn't get to see that much of who I used to be.
More or less the same case for a lot of people here. Probably why it became such a cesspool, if you think about it. This has never really been a healthy community.
That's why sometimes I worry about the people that vanished from this place without warning and never came back.

If they were battling their inner demons I just hope that they managed to get better and find happiness. If leaving this site was for the better for them then I hope they're all doing okay.

You never know, this place could have been the source of some their misery.

Maybe leaving it freed them.
ಠ_ಠ noises

whiny cunt. jk

I never got into any serious drama here, but then I suppose it would be because I'm not very "different" or controversial in any way either. For what it's worth, I'm regret not jumping in for anyone's defence which has contributed to this about as much as the cruel things that were said.

I still don't know what draws Anarchy has - I think my only thread there was recently (last year lol) asking what it's purpose was. I don't care for shitting on people I barely know for absolutely no reason, and I've got all the weird porn I could find on the internet rather than here at the mercy of someone else's... tastes...

I hope you get better, in all manners.

You guys caught me at the very tail end of a major depressive episode so you didn't get to see that much of who I used to be.
More or less the same case for a lot of people here. Probably why it became such a cesspool, if you think about it. This has never really been a healthy community.
That's why sometimes I worry about the people that vanished from this place without warning and never came back.

If they were battling their inner demons I just hope that they managed to get better and find happiness. If leaving this site was for the better for them then I hope they're all doing okay.

You never know, this place could have been the source of sone their misery.

Maybe leaving it freed them.
We made of guys like RomanGladiator a lot for his unfortunate outcomes then one day he vanished and never came back, all without warning too. This guy had the absolute worst luck if all of his stories ended up being legitimate.

Oh man that fucking guy, I forgot about his escapades lol.

I get what you mean, there's no real way to confirm the stories of most of us here without risking exposing ourselves to further ridicule (Deci springs to mind). Then there's the older ones who dropped off the map like Dustin (banned), or the rich kid BC1096 (or whatever the numbers were). I remember he had his Snapchat up here and he posted a for a few years and then around the time he stopped coming here, his posts there stopped too. Wonder what he'd be posting now with shit like GME and Dogecoin.

There's even the mad bastards on that other tankie forum, now that's some long-running crazy cult drama going on over there.

I think the last time I've interacted with people from here has been on the PS4 Community (killed by Sony, F), and that time some of us played Halo Reach (not the one notinvolving Ian and that whole story).


FatherlyNick 🇷🇺 | Mythic Inconceivable!
 
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Hey.
I came here from b.net after a few Floods invited me. None of them post on either b.net nor here anymore, which is sad. I was still active on b.net until for some bizarre reason, b.net admins locked out people who have not played Destiny. Even if you wanted to post on the offtopic section. After that, I fully moved here and have not returned to b.net since.
Please come play Halo with me.
I really want Vebatim to post ITT.


R o c k e t | Mythic Smash Master
 
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I neither fear, nor despise.
in all srs ive finally been able to drink a beer and know that I don't work tomorrow

AIGHT SO

I have pretty much changed the major aspects of my life minus location, since hurricane michael whipped out his dick and slapped around where I lived in 2018. Beliefs, what I'm doing, my life goals, what I see as fulfillment.

All of this has changed. So let's spill the beans:
I'm so close to getting my degree but my god this final year will be hard. I work 6 days a week biweekly, 5 on the other weeks. Night shift, so I have trouble really doing anything fun. I have a girlfriend now so that's a nice change, and that too really made me change my plans from just my plans to what do WE want to do? I feel incredibly motivated at one moment, then discouraged the next knowing how long a year more of all this really is.

My number one desire? Move. Get the hell out of here. I have only lived here and any time I travel, its euphoric. I love not being drenched in sweat in the florida sun 24/7.

Rambling and shit

yeah


R o c k e t | Mythic Smash Master
 
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I neither fear, nor despise.
what hasnt changed is i can cuck all of you in smash bros still


Mmmmm Napalm | Legendary Invincible!
 
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gurb
You guys caught me at the very tail end of a major depressive episode so you didn't get to see that much of who I used to be.
More or less the same case for a lot of people here. Probably why it became such a cesspool, if you think about it. This has never really been a healthy community.
That's why sometimes I worry about the people that vanished from this place without warning and never came back.

If they were battling their inner demons I just hope that they managed to get better and find happiness. If leaving this site was for the better for them then I hope they're all doing okay.

You never know, this place could have been the source of sone their misery.

Maybe leaving it freed them.
We made of guys like RomanGladiator a lot for his unfortunate outcomes then one day he vanished and never came back, all without warning too. This guy had the absolute worst luck if all of his stories ended up being legitimate. I hope that he finally found a girl that loves him and is living happily wherever he is.


Haven’t heard from other guys like Boomdeyadah either for a while, he even left my discord channel and I haven’t seen him on Xbox when we would always play the MCC together. Hope he’s doing alright too.

Oh man I didn't realize he left the server :(

I'm friends with him on steam, it says he was last online about 23 days ago


Solonoid | Mythic Inconceivable!
 
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You guys caught me at the very tail end of a major depressive episode so you didn't get to see that much of who I used to be.
More or less the same case for a lot of people here. Probably why it became such a cesspool, if you think about it. This has never really been a healthy community.
That's why sometimes I worry about the people that vanished from this place without warning and never came back.

If they were battling their inner demons I just hope that they managed to get better and find happiness. If leaving this site was for the better for them then I hope they're all doing okay.

You never know, this place could have been the source of some their misery.

Maybe leaving it freed them.
ಠ_ಠ noises

whiny cunt. jk

I never got into any serious drama here, but then I suppose it would be because I'm not very "different" or controversial in any way either. For what it's worth, I'm regret not jumping in for anyone's defence which has contributed to this about as much as the cruel things that were said.

I still don't know what draws Anarchy has - I think my only thread there was recently (last year lol) asking what it's purpose was. I don't care for shitting on people I barely know for absolutely no reason, and I've got all the weird porn I could find on the internet rather than here at the mercy of someone else's... tastes...

I hope you get better, in all manners.

You guys caught me at the very tail end of a major depressive episode so you didn't get to see that much of who I used to be.
More or less the same case for a lot of people here. Probably why it became such a cesspool, if you think about it. This has never really been a healthy community.
That's why sometimes I worry about the people that vanished from this place without warning and never came back.

If they were battling their inner demons I just hope that they managed to get better and find happiness. If leaving this site was for the better for them then I hope they're all doing okay.

You never know, this place could have been the source of sone their misery.

Maybe leaving it freed them.
We made of guys like RomanGladiator a lot for his unfortunate outcomes then one day he vanished and never came back, all without warning too. This guy had the absolute worst luck if all of his stories ended up being legitimate.

Oh man that fucking guy, I forgot about his escapades lol.

I get what you mean, there's no real way to confirm the stories of most of us here without risking exposing ourselves to further ridicule (Deci springs to mind). Then there's the older ones who dropped off the map like Dustin (banned), or the rich kid BC1096 (or whatever the numbers were). I remember he had his Snapchat up here and he posted a for a few years and then around the time he stopped coming here, his posts there stopped too. Wonder what he'd be posting now with shit like GME and Dogecoin.

There's even the mad bastards on that other tankie forum, now that's some long-running crazy cult drama going on over there.

I think the last time I've interacted with people from here has been on the PS4 Community (killed by Sony, F), and that time some of us played Halo Reach (not the one notinvolving Ian and that whole story).
the rich kid bc who was ashamed of the fact that he was privileged and pretended to be a self made stock market millionaire at 17?

yeah I don't have any curiosity to hear him ramble about crypto, although I do remember from b.net that RC was super into crypto before it exploded in '14 and I would actually be interested in hearing what he has to say about what's going on now

idk if he's still around I just haven't seen him in a while


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Funny how a bunch of us show up back here isn't it. I've thought about that one before and I still don't really have an answer, other than the theory that in society most of us are oddballs and don't entirely fit in with what'd be considered the normies. I guess I know why I show up though. Out of all the communities I've crossed paths with, I talk the easiest here, that and you people are still actually alive to talk to (although I've got suspicions about some who went awol)

I'm sorry the place brings up shit memories for you and caused so much trouble. Funny that it's the opposite on my end, where I don't really have bad memories for what I can remember. Earnestly I think after my SO went down this place was and to some degree still is the only bright spot I've got left.


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Good to see that this place is still alive.

For me personally, things have changed quite a bit. To summarize:

- Graduated and got my degrees in law.

- Started a career in academia as a legal scholar and researcher. Worked on a bunch of international / European development projects on AI while doing the typical academic stuff like publishing articles and whatnot.

- Started my PhD last year.

- Managed to make something out of my Twitch channel. Got partnered and connected with Bethesda, so I've gotten hired as an analyst and caster for their esports events.

- Got married to my girlfriend of 6 years.

- After renting a place for the past few years, I just bought a house (signed the contract for now, will be able to move into it in a few months).

- Wife and I are expecting our first baby later this year. :)
Last Edit: May 23, 2021, 06:17:11 PM by Flee_


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Good to see that this place is still alive.

For me personally, things have changed quite a bit. To summarize:

- Graduated and got my degrees in law.

- Started a career in academia as a legal scholar and researcher. Worked on a bunch of international / European development projects on AI while doing the typical academic stuff like publishing articles and whatnot.

- Started my PhD last year.

- Managed to make something out of my Twitch channel. Got partnered and connected with Bethesda, so I've gotten hired as an analyst and caster for their esports events.

- Got married to my girlfriend of 6 years.

- After renting a place for the past few years, I just bought a house (signed the contract for now, will be able to move into it in a few months).

- Wife and I are expecting our first baby later this year. :)

Dude wtf congrats


V | Mythic Inconceivable!
 
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Just message me.
although I do remember from b.net that RC was super into crypto before it exploded in '14 and I would actually be interested in hearing what he has to say about what's going on now

idk if he's still around I just haven't seen him in a while
I have him added on Facebook. Going to meet him for the third time pretty soon.
He graduated with a CS degree or something.


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Dude wtf congrats
Thanks man. Some big changes for sure.

How have you been?

Edit: just read your comment in the other thread. Anything in particular you're feeling depressed about?
Last Edit: May 23, 2021, 07:31:04 PM by Flee_


Coomer | Mythic Inconceivable!
 
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Dude wtf congrats
Thanks man. Some big changes for sure.

How have you been?

Edit: just read your comment in the other thread. Anything in particular you're feeling depressed about?

Not really
Things haven't gotten worse
It's just the tonnage that's piled up is getting heavy

Also I said working isn't the source of my depression but thinking about it, it definitely is making me feel worse
When I was in school, I could tell myself that my life hadn't started yet
There was still a goal to look forward to, just hold out for a few more years
But now it's like, this is it? Now what? Hold out for the rest of my life?
It's making time pass by really slow and I'm stewing in the void


R o c k e t | Mythic Smash Master
 
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I neither fear, nor despise.
yeah but me tho


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Dude wtf congrats
Thanks man. Some big changes for sure.

How have you been?

Edit: just read your comment in the other thread. Anything in particular you're feeling depressed about?

Not really
Things haven't gotten worse
It's just the tonnage that's piled up is getting heavy

Also I said working isn't the source of my depression but thinking about it, it definitely is making me feel worse
When I was in school, I could tell myself that my life hadn't started yet
There was still a goal to look forward to, just hold out for a few more years
But now it's like, this is it? Now what? Hold out for the rest of my life?
It's making time pass by really slow and I'm stewing in the void

Trying to think of how to cobble everything to say here. Your goal never shifted so you never picked up much of anything guiding in school. That means you've done little to no growth towards anything.

And I'd be willing to bet you're stuck with a unique problem. You sit around stewing and wondering if that's the endgame, but when you try thinking about all the things you could possibly do, they all seem out of reach or as if you've already run out of time to do them. Would I be right or wrong on that? Can possibly help ya out if you feel like talking about it.


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His eyebrows sparkling, his white beard hangs down to his chest. The thatched mats, spread outside his chise, spread softly, his splendid attos. He polishes, cross-legged, his makiri, with his eyes completely absorbed.

He is Ainu.

The god of Ainu Mosir, Ae-Oine Kamuy, descendant of Okiku-Rumi, He perishes, a living corpse. The summers day, the white sunlight, unabrushed, ends simply through his breath alone.
Graduated High School, mucked around in community college for a few years, changed my major, and started feeling somewhat happy with my future career. Got jobs, quit jobs, and now I'm working a dead end job until I can find better work out of college. Lost friends and family, found a loving partner. I've hopefully felt my lowest and haven't felt my peak yet.

I can't help but check back in here occasionally despite nothing really drawing my attention. I don't think this forum was ever really healthy for me, or b.net for that matter either. It's taken a long time for me to untangle all of the toxic and horrible elements from my being that originated there, but at the same time I can't imagine I'd be who I am today if I hadn't had those social experiences. I don't think, if I could go back in time, that they would have been replaced with healthier connections. At the very least, most of my conversations and interactions have been with a diverse group of people (that ended with constant bullying and drama).


 
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I really want Vebatim to post ITT.
well, if you insist

i don't have a lot to say, though, because i'm willing to bet that i've probably changed the least out of anybody still using this website

i joined this forum during my first semester of college, and after seven grueling years, i can finally expect to get my worthless degree by august, whereupon i can spend the rest of my days worrying about how i'm going to pay the government back for the stupidest decision i've made in my life

i haven't really changed any of my beliefs over the past seven years, and if anything, i've only doubled, tripled, or quadrupled down on the majority of them (because the world only continues to prove just how right i am about fucking everything—and yeah, my bitterness has also increased tenfold)

if anything about me has changed, i'd say i've gotten a little bit better at communicating with people; i find it much easier to express myself in ways that regular people will actually understand now, and i also find myself a lot more tolerant of people's bullshit in general—but at the core, i'm still a pretty angry and spiteful person who doesn't enjoy life very much, because as anyone could plainly see, there's really not a whole lot to enjoy

first person to suggest therapy gets to be thrown off a cliff
Last Edit: May 24, 2021, 03:36:01 AM by Verbatim


FatherlyNick 🇷🇺 | Mythic Inconceivable!
 
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Hey.
I came here from b.net after a few Floods invited me. None of them post on either b.net nor here anymore, which is sad. I was still active on b.net until for some bizarre reason, b.net admins locked out people who have not played Destiny. Even if you wanted to post on the offtopic section. After that, I fully moved here and have not returned to b.net since.
Please come play Halo with me.
Good to see that this place is still alive.

For me personally, things have changed quite a bit. To summarize:

- Graduated and got my degrees in law.

- Started a career in academia as a legal scholar and researcher. Worked on a bunch of international / European development projects on AI while doing the typical academic stuff like publishing articles and whatnot.

- Started my PhD last year.

- Managed to make something out of my Twitch channel. Got partnered and connected with Bethesda, so I've gotten hired as an analyst and caster for their esports events.

- Got married to my girlfriend of 6 years.

- After renting a place for the past few years, I just bought a house (signed the contract for now, will be able to move into it in a few months).

- Wife and I are expecting our first baby later this year. :)

Wow, good news all around! Congratulations!


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Wow, good news all around! Congratulations!
Thanks!

It's unfortunately not all good news though. I've since watched and, regrettably, enjoyed the Attack on Titan anime, so even I have become a weeb after all this time.

I read you also bought a house yourself, so congrats to you as well. :)


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Perhaps it would be worth it to reflect on what greater goals you still want to achieve. Unless you can do something you're really passionate about, work is usually just a means to an end.


 
ಠ_ಠ
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We knew the world would not be the same.
A few people laughed, a few people cried, most people were silent.
I remembered the line from the Hindu scripture, the Bhagavad-Gita.
Vishnu is trying to persuade the Prince that he should do his duty
and to impress him takes on his multi-armed form and says,
"Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.."
I suppose we all thought that one way or another.
I've since watched and, regrettably, enjoyed the Attack on Titan anime, so even I have become a weeb after all this time.
smh


Coomer | Mythic Inconceivable!
 
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Dude wtf congrats
Thanks man. Some big changes for sure.

How have you been?

Edit: just read your comment in the other thread. Anything in particular you're feeling depressed about?

Not really
Things haven't gotten worse
It's just the tonnage that's piled up is getting heavy

Also I said working isn't the source of my depression but thinking about it, it definitely is making me feel worse
When I was in school, I could tell myself that my life hadn't started yet
There was still a goal to look forward to, just hold out for a few more years
But now it's like, this is it? Now what? Hold out for the rest of my life?
It's making time pass by really slow and I'm stewing in the void

Trying to think of how to cobble everything to say here. Your goal never shifted so you never picked up much of anything guiding in school. That means you've done little to no growth towards anything.

And I'd be willing to bet you're stuck with a unique problem. You sit around stewing and wondering if that's the endgame, but when you try thinking about all the things you could possibly do, they all seem out of reach or as if you've already run out of time to do them. Would I be right or wrong on that? Can possibly help ya out if you feel like talking about it.

Well the goals I have are kinda in conflict. On one hand I want to improve the world, ease suffering, etc. On the other hand, I really don't want to do anything at all. I naturally crave the loser lifestyle and would be happy living in a one bedroom apartment working as a delivery driver. I feel most fulfilled when I am helping others but doing things for others just drains me emotionally for some reason. The things that make me happy make me feel dead inside at the same time. So going towards one end would lead me further from the other. Either way, I just feel exhausted and not at peace with myself at all

Now that I'm out of school, I feel like I have to decide who I have to be. I wonder if I'll ever find anything that will make me happy without make me feel like a piece of shit at the same time. I don't know if this even makes sense but I feel like I'm spinning my wheels in place


 
Verbatim
| Komm, süßer Tod
 
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Well the goals I have are kinda in conflict. On one hand I want to improve the world, ease suffering, etc. On the other hand, I really don't want to do anything at all. I naturally crave the loser lifestyle and would be happy living in a one bedroom apartment working as a delivery driver. I feel most fulfilled when I am helping others but doing things for others just drains me emotionally for some reason. The things that make me happy make me feel dead inside at the same time. So going towards one end would lead me further from the other. Either way, I just feel exhausted and not at peace with myself at all

Now that I'm out of school, I feel like I have to decide who I have to be. I wonder if I'll ever find anything that will make me happy without make me feel like a piece of shit at the same time. I don't know if this even makes sense but I feel like I'm spinning my wheels in place
i guess we're more alike than i thought


Flee_ | Member
 
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I've since watched and, regrettably, enjoyed the Attack on Titan anime, so even I have become a weeb after all this time.
smh
The flesh is weak and Satan's deceptive in his temptations.


E | Ascended Posting Frenzy
 
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Dude wtf congrats
Thanks man. Some big changes for sure.

How have you been?

Edit: just read your comment in the other thread. Anything in particular you're feeling depressed about?

Not really
Things haven't gotten worse
It's just the tonnage that's piled up is getting heavy

Also I said working isn't the source of my depression but thinking about it, it definitely is making me feel worse
When I was in school, I could tell myself that my life hadn't started yet
There was still a goal to look forward to, just hold out for a few more years
But now it's like, this is it? Now what? Hold out for the rest of my life?
It's making time pass by really slow and I'm stewing in the void

Trying to think of how to cobble everything to say here. Your goal never shifted so you never picked up much of anything guiding in school. That means you've done little to no growth towards anything.

And I'd be willing to bet you're stuck with a unique problem. You sit around stewing and wondering if that's the endgame, but when you try thinking about all the things you could possibly do, they all seem out of reach or as if you've already run out of time to do them. Would I be right or wrong on that? Can possibly help ya out if you feel like talking about it.

Well the goals I have are kinda in conflict. On one hand I want to improve the world, ease suffering, etc. On the other hand, I really don't want to do anything at all. I naturally crave the loser lifestyle and would be happy living in a one bedroom apartment working as a delivery driver. I feel most fulfilled when I am helping others but doing things for others just drains me emotionally for some reason. The things that make me happy make me feel dead inside at the same time. So going towards one end would lead me further from the other. Either way, I just feel exhausted and not at peace with myself at all

Now that I'm out of school, I feel like I have to decide who I have to be. I wonder if I'll ever find anything that will make me happy without make me feel like a piece of shit at the same time. I don't know if this even makes sense but I feel like I'm spinning my wheels in place

First things first, you'll get a bit of reading to do. Props to cramming a lot into a little space. I can probably unpack most of that for you and explain it. I'll try to break it down into sections for you. Keep in mind, some of this will be speculation because I don't have all the details of your life, but some of it will be based of what I know for certain. Some of it will be based on what I've experienced through other people. I'll try to let you know what's what as I go.

So to start with, let's talk about helping people and improving the world.
Spoiler
I've met a lot of people that wanted to improve the world. Many suffer the same drawbacks. They look far outwards onto the big problems in life and then they feel shitty because they don't have the capabilities to change those big things.

There's two courses of action for this. One is devoting your life to changing one of the big things. Putting everything into just that. The second option is adopting a smaller worldview and further defining what it actually means to change suffering. I think for you, rather than devoting your life to a big cause, adopting a smaller reference point would help you.

These are my personal experiences and thoughts on what it means to change things. I assume you know I'm the shambling mess that used to be Sandtrap. Pretty sure that old name comes with the notion of somebody who tried to help when they could. I still retain some of those principles, but I've had to refine them and adapt as I've gone through life. So here they are.

I can sit here all day and imagine what I'd do to help my province out if I had a number sum of stupid amounts of money. The programs I'd start, what I'd build and fund and so on. Useless daydreaming at best that'd make me sad like any other. There's a better way to view to changing things if you can't manipulate them on a large scale.

The question is, why'd our world get this way? Through the actions of people as a whole. One by one, everybody decided to do something in particular until we arrived at where we are now. A big collection of singular entities all eventually doing the same thing makes results. So my rule is this. I don't have to change the world. All I need to do is be a decent human being to others when I meet them. Whether it's through helping them when they need it, giving them a second chance when they've let me down, and doing my best to understand their perspective without being confrontational about anything unless my life is in danger.

Repeat this process and eventually it becomes a habit. The importance of this is that other people see you doing it, and when this happens, that means there's a possibility that at one point, they'll follow your example. What starts with one person becomes two, then four, and so on. But I have to be real about it. I can't expect people to want, care, or do anything of the sort that I do, because they have their own lives to live and the consequences that come with.

To me, significantly altering something for the better for a single human being is enough. There are approximately thirty people in my life who've died on me that I knew. Take that number and double it roughly to around sixty. So far in my lifespan I've altered roughly sixty people's lives so significantly to the point where you could consider my presence an important deciding factor. That means theoretically, one day those sixty or so people might think about what I did for them, and it'll be their turn to repay that onto another life. If you actually want to make a difference in the world, you start with what's all around you, and with what you can influence within your personal sphere. Don't look at the wider picture, start with the small.

Before I go anywhere else, I'll talk about why people drain you.

Spoiler
Introvert or extrovert, you sound like an introvert. That means interaction with people takes both a psychological and physical toll on you. You can only interact with so many people before your battery drains to zero and you need to actual time for yourself. If you don't get this time, like too much exercise, you won't recover.

There is also a cost to helping people. It's very easy to output time and effort into helping people while you neglect yourself. This can eventually turn into your coping method if your life is trash. And it ends one way. Total burnout and a depression spiral. If you're expecting people to return anything for what you in particular have done to help them, don't. It'll tire and drain you further.

The thing to keep in mind is, if you're going to help people or interact with them, you need to balance that between time for yourself, otherwise you'll burn out.

Now, onto the big one. The loser lifestyle as you call it.

Spoiler
Simple. The reason why you crave it is because it's easy. It's the easiest thing in the world to do for anybody. People crave simplicity and naturally drift towards what's easy and has less resistance. The catch however is that too much of this creates stagnation. Not enough stimuli or growth for the brain and you feel like shit.

The inverse is also true. Do too much and reach too far, and you burn out. So again, what your life needs is balance and structure. Not too much shit piled on to create constant resistance, but enough resistance so that you never stagnate. The thing about resistance is that we can condition ourselves to face it and go through it. What starts out as something hard to do will eventually become easier as time goes along. Other challenges will come along and because you have the experience, you'll be more inclined to face up to them rather than sit around and slink away from them.

The biggest key to all of it is focus. Whatever we focus on, we amplify how much we feel about it. It works both ways. You start a hobby you like, your attention is drawn to it. The more you do your hobby, the more you love it. You wake up one day and tell yourself it's going to be a shit day or that you feel like trash, all you'll look for are things to make you feel trash.

The reason why the activities you undertake make you feel like shit is not neccessarily because they themselves are trash, it's because you're caught in a stagnant loop with nothing else entering your life to provide different stimuli. But then again, that depends on what they are. If it's too personal, I won't press it. But I wager you've got a problem with porn and loneliness. If that's the case, then it's an issue that needs to be addressed seriously.

And for the last part.

Spoiler
Since when was there a time limit for deciding about who or what you wanted to be? Every day, hour, minute, we can decide to do something and go a different direction in life, and those directions make experiences that shape and change who we are. Every second that you're alive you're deciding who you are and what you want to be. There's no arbitrary line that says, "Okay bud, pick whether you want to be a bum or superstar the rest of your life."

Truth is, you're not obligated to decide anything either. You don't have to be or do anything even though society or your parents will drop pressure on you. But you'll feel obligated to because you're watching other people around you appear to progress in their lives while you seemingly sit still. And that's what makes you feel like shit. Reading through some of the other people's posts in here, I'd bet my next paycheck that as you read them you feel like shit because you say to yourself "wow fuck, look at how much has changed in this person's life and I'm just here living in a basement wanking off every night for the rest of my life."

It feels like you're trapped in a long hallway with one end. The door is miles away from you, and at the end of the door is death. You want to get to the door, but at the same time you desperately want that hallway to branch somewhere else rather than having your entire life span that one hallway.

I'll tell you something about happiness. You wonder if you'll find something that makes you feel happy without feeling like garbage. Happiness is a perspective. Consider this.

There's a physical limitation to how happy we can feel. So what's the actual difference in the feeling of happiness created between bill gates waking up and seeing that he could buy about thirty countries and turn them into his front lawn, or sitting down to eat a burger when you're really fucking hungry? Absolutely nothing. But, when we consider the scale it's different. People will con you into thinking that sitting down and enjoying your food is smaller than buying a country out of your own bank account simply because it looks bigger.

I'll say this. You can achieve both ends of what you're after in life, but in order to do so what you need to do is balance them properly.


Hope it helps.


E | Ascended Posting Frenzy
 
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I really want Vebatim to post ITT.
well, if you insist

i don't have a lot to say, though, because i'm willing to bet that i've probably changed the least out of anybody still using this website

i joined this forum during my first semester of college, and after seven grueling years, i can finally expect to get my worthless degree by august, whereupon i can spend the rest of my days worrying about how i'm going to pay the government back for the stupidest decision i've made in my life

i haven't really changed any of my beliefs over the past seven years, and if anything, i've only doubled, tripled, or quadrupled down on the majority of them (because the world only continues to prove just how right i am about fucking everything—and yeah, my bitterness has also increased tenfold)

if anything about me has changed, i'd say i've gotten a little bit better at communicating with people; i find it much easier to express myself in ways that regular people will actually understand now, and i also find myself a lot more tolerant of people's bullshit in general—but at the core, i'm still a pretty angry and spiteful person who doesn't enjoy life very much, because as anyone could plainly see, there's really not a whole lot to enjoy

first person to suggest therapy gets to be thrown off a cliff

See, I'm obligated to suggest therapy now because because getting thrown off a cliff usually has a high fatality rate. I'll drive my deteriorating self all the way out there just so you can do it. Make the legal documents and everything.


Jive Turkey | Mythic Invincible!
 
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A lot but also I feel like it was the natural progression of who I am so not much