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BlitzFiend
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do it faggot
Spoiler
I woke up. A freezing night. My heart pounding. I scrambled for the lamp on my nightstand. My chapped lips mouthed two words. Too late. The tree outside cast an intimidating shadow on the dimly lit wall, as a slow breeze came through the open window, extinguishing the candles. A constant sound of the clock ticking echoed throughout the apartment. I could hear Him. His slow but assertive steps, coming closer and closer to the door. Throwing my bed sheet to the floor, I ran for the open window. Looking down from the 5th floor, I realised her poor escape plan. With my chapped lips, I mouthed yet another two words. No time. The door made a loud creaking sound, as if it sensed the dread in the air.
A pale woman in her crimson nightgown. Crazed look in her bloodshot eyes. Kitchen knife in her hands. A feeling of fright kept my feet planted. A recognisable musk entering my nostrils. I dropped the parcel. A dull thud came from the impact upon landing on the linoleum floor. I could feel my heart race. The moment she approached me, I ran. I ran as fast as I could. Not looking back, I clawed after my keys, desperately trying to unlock my Mustang. I got inside. Her shadow was not far away. Perhaps six metres. The engine started after a short cough.
He was still after me. I managed to grab a hold of a horse carriage, getting away from my apartment. The poor mare was sickly thin and pale, but it got me off and away. Thank God I got away. The chilling wind made my ears comfortably numb. Moonlight illuminating the rocky bridge. A reflection in the small lake. My reflection. Rolling stones caused ripples. A sense of solace. Safety.
I could feel the adrenaline rushing through my heart. My pupils dilating at the sight of the police car. After waving the car to an empty parking lot, I followed. The officer was tired. Probably sleep deprived. His eyes reflected the yellow streetlights surrounding us. It is not easy upholding the law. I thoroughly explained to him the horror I experienced. The pale woman in a red gown. The unfocused and frenzied eyes. The distinct stench. He tried calming me down. I complied to his sincere efforts in doing so.
I woke up yet again. I must’ve had fallen asleep. Exiting the carriage, I noticed two silhouettes standing not so far away. Underneath several oil lamps. They were busy speaking a foreign language. At first it sounded like Spanish. Then Arabic. But in the end it all sounded like gibberish. I felt something cold in my hand. It was a hilt. I gazed at the marvellous sword I held in my two hands, and heard the strangers speak of me. I heard their wishes to see me abused, raped and killed. A discussion filled with disgusting passion. The monsters spoke of my position. They knew where I was, no use in hiding. I felt His towering shadow standing behind me. Surrounded. There’s no other way.
The stainless steel protruded from his chest, blood spraying all over me. Her. The same aroma. The whiff of an end. The same woman. The woman in the gown. She was weeping quietly. Her cold glare pierced my very being. Freezing me in place. Despite my efforts, I was paralysed. There was no escape.
I puffed the cigar smoke out. Another sleepless night. The view from 5th floor was not poor, neither astounding or extraordinary. I flipped through the different channels on the television. Nothing interesting. Sipping some whiskey, I thought about the odd package. It contained some strange incense and candles. I put it to use, having heard it soothes both body and mind. Taking another sip, I heard some footsteps outside my door. I felt a sensation of fear. As the door creaked open, the sound of a dull thud could be heard.
i wish critique
February 03, 2017, 06:23:16 PM
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tl;dr
February 03, 2017, 06:30:43 PM
Doctor Doom
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Quote from: Teki no Sukottorando on June 04, 2017, 07:06:15 PM
the one true God is Doctor Doom and we should all be worshiping him.
You're too reliant on short, rapid-fire sentences. They're good for action scenes, but you need longer, descriptive paragraphs in there too. There's not enough detail to get a real sense of tension or horror, it's just one action after another with little to flesh it out. There'll be more impact if you have a few descriptive paragraphs before the action starts, but make sure to build up to it so it's not too abrupt. Maybe you could write about the place the protagonist is in for a paragraph or two, then describe what the antagonist is doing to make it clear that they're about to fight or run away or something,
then
start the short-sentence action scene.
Also, knock it off with that capitalizing "Him" for emphasis. That shit's annoying.
February 03, 2017, 07:23:55 PM
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Verbatim
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Lots of grammar/structural issues, but I'll try to focus mainly on the content. Your style here is that of many urgent sentence fragments describing many things frenetically, like a schizophrenic--not a style I'm personally fond of. It's
kinda
cheesy, but I won't let that affect my overall critique.
I'll get the stuff I liked out of the way, I guess. This is the only line I thought was pretty good: "A pale woman in her crimson nightgown. Crazed look in her bloodshot eyes. Kitchen knife in her hands." The imagery here is cool, and it's written with the appropriate degree of urgency. I could've used a little more detail, maybe, but it's not bad at all.
Now for the not-so-good stuff:
Lots of redundant sentences, and a couple bad literary cliches. I'm sure you can come up with something more original than "I ran as fast as I could."
Is this an excerpt from something? Because I feel like there's a lot of things you just bring up at complete random. The parcel, the rocky bridge, the odd package... These things just sort of
come up
, as though their existence was previously established, but they weren't--so it's a little jarring to read.
There seems to be a lot of information missing between paragraphs 2 and 3. Paragraph 2 ends with the protagonist driving his Mustang away from the woman, but then paragraph 3 begins with him (or her) finding a
horse carriage
to ride in instead. What the hell happened to the car? Where is this person even going?
The antagonistic force(s) are pretty unclear--which may be intentional, but it's confusing. You refer to this "Him" character in the first paragraph, but then there's this crazy woman in a red gown, too. But after the protagonist escapes from her, the very next line is, "
he
was still after me." Not knowing who "he" is makes this entire sequence confusing and unclear for the reader. At least for me--and I read it over twice.
Some of your sensory descriptions could use a little work. Describing a stench as "distinct" does not quite help us understand what the stench smells like, so instead of putting us in the story, it's actually keeping us away. But when you're describing things, you don't want to go overboard, either. Just give us something.
I'm not sure if that blatant Pink Floyd reference was intentional, but it gave me a good cringe. I'd 86 that. This line made me wince, too: "He tried calming me down. I complied to his sincere efforts in doing so." Read that to yourself and tell me it doesn't sound awkward.
What I gather from the penultimate paragraph is that the woman saved the protagonist from Him, is that right? It wasn't written very clearly, but I think that's what was going on there. I'd be lying if I said I understood the ending--was the protagonist just playing a video game the whole time? Eh, whatever, it doesn't really matter.
Needs work. It's not fundamentally broken. You have material here--it just needs fleshing out. Right now, it's very threadbare. Add some more paragraphs with stunning detail. Fix up the messy bits. You'll have yourself a story.
4/10
February 03, 2017, 07:25:01 PM
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I DONT GIVE A SINGLE -blam!- MOTHER -blam!-ER ITS A MOTHER -blam!-ING FORUM, OH WOW, YOU HAVE THE WORD NINJA BELOW YOUR NAME, HOW MOTHER -blam!-ING COOL, NOT, YOUR ARE NOTHING TO ME BUT A BRAINWASHED PIECE OF SHIT BLOGGER, PEOPLE ONLY LIKE YOU BECAUSE YOU HAVE NINJA BELOW YOUR NAME, SO PLEASE PUNCH YOURAELF IN THE FACE AND STAB YOUR EYE BECAUSE YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A PIECE OF SHIT OF SOCIETY
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February 03, 2017, 07:26:19 PM
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ayy thanks guys <3
February 04, 2017, 05:02:32 PM
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Quote from: Verbatim on February 03, 2017, 07:25:01 PM
well i actually tried an ol' switcharoo perspective here
first para is the woman
second is the guy entering the apartment
third is the woman again
intent was to imply that the candles and incense drove whoever lived in the 5th floor apartment mad, as the woman did not actually find a carriage but rather hung on to the car, though i see now that it wasnt as obvious as i intended it to be
February 04, 2017, 05:23:11 PM
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