Between all people, there’s a purpose driven nature. The purpose is driven by the person, but it’s easy to think that every person is simply driven as if they were some sort of machine. It’s a reality that I have to face, that I don’t know the inner workings of these people, who are by nature driven by more than just mechanical predictable actions, but by their own thoughts and desires. Where I fit in with that, is something that can only come between mine and their own actions. Whatever interaction I have with others, their own motivations dictate the outcome, their reason for interacting with me is only as good as the workings of their mind, the outcome can only be in accordance to the reasons given by theirs and mine inner mechanisms.

I’ve gone by a lot of people, at this point in my life, looking at them and wondering what it is that makes them tick, wondering where I come into the picture when dealing with the decisions I make determining how I will react to them, how I will interact with them in a way that’s appropriate, in a way that is somehow purposeful and corresponds to their inner consciousness. But it’s not my decision, these people’s heads, their minds aren’t something I have any control over with whatever way I choose to interact with these people; it can only be determined by the output of whatever the outcome of their internal processes produce. Every person is on their own path, and my importance only goes as far as it’s correspondence with that person’s particular path.

All things, you wonder what it is about them that gives them their qualities which have such mechanical effectiveness, that they correspond well with their surrounding nature. What makes good music good? What makes bad music bad? What makes a person attractive and others ugly? What makes a classic book a classic and not a trashy amateur novel? In all of these things, they somehow correspond well with their surrounding nature, they somehow effect the world around them in a way that correlates with other people’s minds and effects them. This is something which truly has no clear answer, maybe even a foolish contrarian wouldn’t be able to come up with an answer, because if he could then he would be on the path to effectiveness, and if he could put it into words, he would make others effective too, quite easily.

But to effect people positively is one thing, why not effect people negatively? There’s an inner working in the consciousness, which has set up everything we feel, in us good natured human beings, to wind the spring to unwind itself to turn us in the direction of good natured thoughts. Is it also an effective action to destroy things? Haven’t you ever felt the satisfaction of playing that old arcade game called Rampage, where you control a giant monster and pursue the goal of eating as many people and smashing as many buildings as possible? Surely there’s a duel nature, between the good natured self and the bad natured self; if there isn’t a bad nature towards actual other men (which there is, no matter how glorified it may seem, between leaders who go to war with others), then there’s certainly a wild imagination which plays with these ideas, which has become taboo in our society through cultural norms and spooks.

My effectiveness will only go so far as I have something corresponding with another’s agenda. That’s really the heart of it, beyond all other deeper meanings that may lye in what I just wrote. If you have something that someone else wants, be it knowledge, charisma, looks, charm, a good listening ear, money, congeniality, the skills to perform a job they need done, or maybe they need nothing of you at all; then that is really what will determine the outcome, and if that’s not what they’re seeking then they won’t find it in you. What a lonely, confusing world. A world where you have to guess and estimate the outcomes of your actions, but can never know for sure exactly what to strive for, to never know what other people strive for and in correspondence culminate in a friendship.

It’s ugly, looking into the face of your foe, uncertainty, expecting it to change but only remaining the same. Unchanging, certain reality, what is it about you that draws all these connections in me, always back to this exact same question? Am I even thinking? Have I even begun to form a single conscious thought in my head which could blossom into what could be called a rational realization? All I realize is how little I know, and how I’m not certain if what I am doing right now can even be called thinking, all the illusive strands, I grab for them like strings, floating away inside me, all the smaller, more minute and illusive thoughts live fish, more intelligent and agile who can evade you, who are harder to catch. Is that really what wise thoughts are like, illusive fish? Or, maybe it could be simple.

It all falls away, and you fall backwards, down, down, down, up, out, away, further and further, until you’re beyond sight, in total emptiness. It’s all left behind. Unresolved.