critique my story please (edited 6/13)

 
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"With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censured, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably."
—Judge Aaron Satie
——Carmen
do these characters sound different to you?

Spoiler

One


After we took care of the old maniac, we headed to Francis Square. It was there that I saw the place a hundred yards away from the edge of the street. The information we were given appeared to be accurate - how couldn't it have been? That bum was scared out of his mind. The trip up there was easy enough. No one lingered out of their homes this late, and it was still far too soon for any early risers. When we got to the edge of this purported residence, my partner Avery Larcel stopped and looked toward me.

"Do you want to lead?" She was still mad at me, but she didn't want to show it.

"Sure." I stepped forward and continued toward the house. It was certainly the kind of place that deserved myths about it - black curtains fluttered in the wind, and the bleak walls begged for me to look away. These generically ghostly features only served to solidify my hypothesis that this place was darkened. We cautiously made our way up the steps, onto the house's shambling porch.
   
It was obviously a residence of natural origin, but the aberration had definitely exaggerated it. The whole place looked like an R.L. Stine cover. Way too obvious, but I guess this is what society eats up. God, Francis Square - if they could see the shit that gets dragged out to Lockturne Point, they wouldn't see fear as entertainment anymore.

As I strode down the creaking deck, I glanced to Larcel. The anger towards me was still there, but now fear was there too. I couldn't say I blamed her, though. The dark isn't for everyone. But that sight earned her a shade of pity from me. "Avery, it's okay. It's nothing."

She gave me a look of forced puzzlement. "Yeah? I know."

I had to stop myself from betraying my stoicism. "All right, cool. It should be this up ahead." I pointed to an old decorative mirror leaning against the deck's railing. We approached it, and sure enough, we had found our culprit.

Larcel looked into the mirror and tilted her head. "I'm not reflected. How is this possible?"

"The dark has many ways of altering our world. Part of it is illusion, and part of it is fabric. I think this is the former, there's nothing here to indicate anything but a T1 case."

"T1, first class transport. So a looking glass. A window?"

I smiled at how quick she was getting this. Of course most of the people who have earned my trust had come from Phlaurel's, but she seemed like an exceptional one, right from the start - despite her sordid history. "That's right. My guess is that our aberration is a weak one trying to terrify people. Collect more deaths."

Larcel couldn't help but smile. I knew it, she loved this job. "That would make sense!" she said, looking toward the mirror. "So, just the basic neutralization? I don't think this needs anything else."

"Yes, that should do it."

There was a pause I didn't expect.

"Proceed with the neutralization, Avery."

She looked at me and gave a chuckle. "Yeah, no thanks."

I cracked a smile too. "You're not superstitious, are you?"

"No!" she quickly said, but I knew. That made me laugh, the thought of an agent from WAP being scared of social compulsions invented to keep you frugal. "Spill any of my salt or crack any of my mirrors and you'll get bad luck!" It's not hard to see why people started to live by that kind of nonsense.

"Hey, don't laugh at me, man," she said. "I don't need that extra weight on my mind. You're competent enough, find a rock." She smiled at me.

"Unbelievable," I said as I went towards the yard. What was truly unbelievable, though, was how quick Larcel had come around. Mad at me for doing my job, then happy because she started doing the interesting part of hers.

It wasn't hard to find a rock, and so I soon came back to the deck with one. Of course, the aberration was in the mirror now - a perfect duplicate of me.

"I don't toy with you like some of us." I raised my arm, and the aberration predictably shook its head, tried to stop me through body language, but it was no use. The T1 vessel was destroyed by a natural, amazing rock and all was right. I got that fleeting feeling of accomplishment, as usual, but Larcel looked shaken.

"Something wrong, Agent?" I tried not to empathize the last word, but I probably did anyway.
   
"Of course not," she lied. "I was just - I wasn't expecting it to try to…"
   
"Bargain?" I finished for her. I then continued, "That look of fear in its eyes was a mimicry. Fear is a human quality - an aberration like that cannot comprehend the feeling. It was trying to elicit sympathy from us, which is why we can't give it any. The dark isn't foolish, Avery. Like any parasite, it learns how to best feed off its host."
   
"Why is it can we only break the vessel, though?" Larcel asked. Here we go, I thought to myself. The next question she asked was a normal one, but still one that I didn't like to answer. "Why can't we end that thing for good?"
   
I sighed before I answered. "Your curriculum at Phlaurel's taught you the standards for neutralization, exorcism, and containment. There's a reason that elimination isn't a subject - it doesn't exist. When these anomalies bind themselves to our world, they have to follow the laws of our reality. The bindings they use are things we know, things we can neutralize. But the aberrations themselves are nothing but dark." I looked away from Larcel, unsure of how to proudly explain the concept. "There's nothing we can currently do to challenge the dark directly, just as they can't challenge us in that manner." She looked disappointed, so I added, "Believe me, I'd love to end this sick cycle. But it's all we can do, keep the cycle going so we don't end up on the wrong side of it. Do you understand?"
   
She hesitated, then simply said, "Yeah. I do."
   
I was more perceptive than she would've liked. "You're still conflicted. You want this to be easy and pure. That's only natural - complexity is a path to corruption. But I've learned the hard way that when you step into this fight, you lose some of your nature. I didn't want to dose our informant back at that station any more than I want to do anything I do in the duty of light. But you can't hold onto your purity like the rest of our world and still expect to be a capable warden against these terrors."
   
"That's what judgment calls are for," Larcel said, the fire I saw at the station back in her eyes. "We don't have to make ethical choices all the time, but when we can, we should. Why the hell not?"
   
There she went again. I was beginning to worry about Larcel. She had the competence for this field, surely. But a tumor of doubt grew in my mind that she may not have the philosophy.
   
"You say 'ethical' - ethics are what keep society peaceful, they're what keep the trains running on time. What we deal with is right and wrong: morality. And morality doesn't care for suffering or altruism, it cares for the natural and unnatural. If there was even an iota of a chance of him convincing people what he saw, or even worse, them becoming corrupted by it, then I made the right choice."
   
She shook her head. "What about the people he did ramble to? Isn't there an 'iota' that they could take him seriously?"
   
"As you said, it's a judgment call. What our informant saw was real - he knew it to be certain. They thought it the ramblings of a man with too much liquor in his stomach. And at best, he would shake it off as just that: a night of too much drinking. But that dark would still linger in his mind. Even in the sense of petty ethics, how would relieving him of that burden not be a service to him?"
   
Larcel was silent, so I continued. "You know, before we had amnestics, the policy was to eliminate our informants."
   
She scoffed. Still mad, illogically so. "Why is that no surprise to me?"
   
"It's what's needed to-"
   
"No," she said, glaring at me. "Just stop. You know, I only joined WAP because I thought at least I could still make a positive change in the world with you. I didn't betray my brothers and sisters to get on your propaganda-infested mental level. I did it so their good wasn't for nothing. Don't mistake my willing leave from the coalition as abandoning what it stood for."

"This is dangerous talk, Agent. Remember that deviation from our mission is cause for expulsion."

She was furious now. "Then fucking report me, Jack. This isn't 1984, even WAP doesn't have a stamp on my thoughts. If you think I'm going to do anything but what I took an oath to do, then you don't know me. I won't let my common decency get in the way of global protection, but I'm damn sure not going to hide it either."

I rolled my eyes. Technically, she was right. But it still wasn't a proper mindset for a soldier of the light. "Fine, Agent Larcel. Keep holding onto that if it makes you feel better. It's only another rung for aberrations to cling to."

"At least the rung is there for the rest of us to grab, too," she said. "Now I'm sure Dezel wouldn't want you to loiter at an unnatural site. Let's go." She took off toward the car.

"And who's the stickler now?" I said in a playful manner, following her. She was silent, and I dropped the conversation. I may have been the best agent of this century, but I was no conversationalist.
   
Larcel took a pack of cigarettes out of her jacket before entering the passenger seat of the car.
   
"You smoke those things?" I asked incredulously, sliding into the driver's side.
   
She scoffed as she lit it, as if that was a ridiculous question. "Of course I do."
   
I shook my head as I turned the key in the ignition. "I will not abide that disgusting toxin in this car. Look - you're already getting your odor everywhere."
   
"Not your car," she said flippantly. "Deal with it."
   
I was getting slightly irritated now, I'll admit. I didn't refuse to move the vehicle or anything - we began to cruise down the dead country road without a problem - but I wouldn't let her have this. "I will remind you, I'm the senior agent here. All calls are at my discretion."
   
Larcel took a long drag before responding. "Yeah, this isn't exactly a 'call'. There's no threat to world protection or the natural stasis here - just to your oh-so-delicate sensibilities."
   
I couldn't help but roll my eyes. She lacked the respect toward me that I deserved. "Whatever, Agent. Smoke it up. If you want to be unprofessional, it will be reflected on your performance brief."
   
She looked at me, this time the incredulity in her eyes. "You would fucking mark me down for having a cigarette? Jesus Christ, man, this is beyond by the book and into literal spite."
   
I shook my head. "It has nothing to do with you. You're on a case right now. What's next, am I going to see you hit up our informant for a sip of his flask? Maybe stop by the high school and see if some degenerate kid will sell you a doobie?"
   
"You are unbelievable," she said, tossing her lit cigarette out the window. "Cigarettes don't get you high or wasted, they calm your nerves."
   
"Any recreational substance affects your judgment, Avery. And-"
   
"It's Agent Larcel."
   
I had to pretend that didn't hurt a little. "Yes. Agent Larcel. And when you're serving our order, you need to be in peak physical and mental condition, in every way. A taste of mental freedom at the expense of your senses is far from worth it."
   
She scoffed and just stared ahead without responding.
   
"Hate me for it if you want, Agent. I'm your partner, not your friend. You have off-time, smoke all the cigarettes you want to then."
   
"Oh, I intend to."



It was a few days before I saw Larcel again. I had been given a more serious case by Dezel - she wanted me to take Sabin or another veteran agent, but I could do this alone if I had to, and I wanted Larcel to see this anyway. Her face showed a bit more hesitation this time, and as soon as she entered the car, she began to babble to me.
   
"Agent Schuyler, I am…so truly embarrassed about my hesitation to carry out the standard amnestic procedures last Saturday. I can't say I rescind my stance on my cigarette usage, but I gave a lot of thought to what you said about Garcia, and you're right. He's better off now than before. Just know that any conflict I have with you isn't personal, I just want to do my job and do it right."
   
I smiled. "That's very big of you to say, Agent Larcel, thank you."
   
"Please, just call me Avery. There's no need for such formalities between us, I was just…annoyed the other day."
   
"I understand. Now, shall I brief you on what we're dealing with?"
   
"Yeah, go ahead." She said the words as a sigh.
   
"This is a C2 case."
   
Larcel nodded. "Who's the subject?"
   
"That's what makes this case in particular a delicate one. The target is the governor of Washington."
   
Larcel seemed uneasy. "That's delicate for sure. How do we go about this? Dosing a governor…that would be nearly impossible. Too many questions would be raised by his staff."
   
I just looked at her. I wanted her to come to the conclusion herself.
   
"So…" She obviously didn't want to say her next words. "This is a neutralization."
   
"Correct. But as I said, it's a delicate one. Governor Cable is very perceptive, and he has limited information about WAP, unfortunately. His father was an agent."
   
"Who's our informant?" Larcel asked.
   
"No one, actually. We were notified of Cable's corruption through the WAP observatory. He must not have known we have eyes and ears in all government buildings."
   
"And the source of his corruption?"
   
I internally smiled. She was asking all the right questions. "What we know is that he performs a seance every night in his office. He uses a telephone on his desk to contact his controlling aberration."
   
"What do they talk about? It has to be something anomalous, or else we wouldn't have known."
   
"Cable and the aberration are conspiring with terrorist agents in Olympia to build a faulty amphitheater in the city. And the way our friends in the observatory detect aberrative communication is more about tone than content."
   
"Tone?" She asked. "Like a different pitch?"
   
"No. There's a very particular way that aberrations speak, because the speech is artificial. An aberration can't talk in sentences, only words. It has nothing of its own, and so it's learned our language through eons of observance. This is why it's easy to find their communication efforts when they occur."
   
Larcel nodded and didn't say anything. At that point, it was clear to me that she was in over her head. Her time with Ellen had prepared her well for the necessities of espionage, but not for the unnatural. That's typical of idealists who think being nice is better than being alive: they don't care about the long-term. But it didn't matter. I could tell that this mission would mainly be a natural one - state police and government buildings. I briefed her on the rest of our responsibilities and then we drove to the transport site. It was an airplane. Of fucking course.


Two


The flight to Olympia was bad for me. I hate flying, it's the absolute fucking worst. And honestly, it defies nature.

Airplanes and all air travel should be forbidden, in my opinion. I wouldn't even be surprised if there's an element of dark there. But there's no way Dezel would shut down her precious airplanes, she's obsessed with this ridiculous form of travel.
   
I felt the all too familiar sensations of being thrust forward at abnormal levels of speed and then suddenly jerked up, as if the earth itself was shoving me away from it. Larcel noticed my demeanor and fucking laughed.
   
When the initial turbulence had cleared and the plane was at a steady level, I glared to the person in the seat next to me.
   
"What the fuck are you laughing for?"
   
Larcel gave me a weird look. "Dude, calm down." She laughed again. "It's just funny to see you so scared of a natural thing."
   
She could be so annoying sometimes. "Airplanes aren't natural," I informed her. "These speeds and this altitude aren't meant for our species."
   
"Okay, drama queen."
   
At this point, it was hard to contain my extreme annoyance with Larcel, but of course I held it in anyway. We didn't speak to each other for the rest of the flight, so I was glad I bought a newspaper before we took off.
   
The descent was pretty fucking bad, too. That feeling of falling - that pressure, that grip - it's meant to feel bad. Again, I don't know why Dezel insists on using these dangerous machines.
   
Larcel and I left the plane, and as soon as we started walking down the steps, we were greeted by our liaison in the FBI.
   
"Jack, it's so good to see you again." He made no effort to sublime his sarcasm. "Who's this? You have a tagalong?"
   
Our liaison, FBI Director James Marque, was a repugnant man. The little respect I had for him was granted only by his position.
   
"This is Agent Larcel, and she's who you'll be reporting to."
   
Marque gave an ironic smile. "Great! Let's get this over with."
   
We got into the Director's car. I drove, since he was reporting to Larcel.
   
"Okay, ma'am. This is your namecard and your keycard." Marque handed an envelope to Larcel. "We'll be meeting with Deputy Director Cantillo in the capitol building. He'll introduce you to Cable and validate your identities." He paused before handing me an envelope as well. "Your cards, Schuyler."
   
"And we'll be granted full access to the capitol?" Larcel asked.
   
"That's right. The FBI maintains a friendly working relationship with state reps. That's something your organization could learn a thing about."
   
"That's enough, James," I said. "I don't have to remind you that our people keep the extraterrestrial threat at bay. Without our involvement, you wouldn't just be out of a job - you'd be out of a planet."
   
He rolled his eyes. "Yeah, that's the line you give me every fucking time. Just remember that I serve you at the command of the President, not because I'm scared of these extraterrestrials that definitely exist."
   
"Humor me for a second, James." I said, ice in my words. "If there was no extra-planetary threat, what is it that we do? Why can I boss you around?"1
   
He smiled and briefly paused, as if this was a tangent he'd been waiting to go on for a while. "The way I see it, you're the enforcer of the executive branch. Probably formed around the 30's, a side effect of a five term president who couldn't get things done the proper way. You're off the books because you do all kinds of illegal shit in the name of your country. Like taking out a Republican governor who's been shaking up a blue state." His voice was full of confidence, as if he had nailed us down.

"I thought that shady bullshit was your job."

"We don't operate outside the law like you fuckers do. There's a way to do things, and you think you can just skirt around it. It's an abuse of your authority."
   
I gave a chuckle. "The best evidence against your theory, my friend, is that you're still alive, sitting comfortably in the backseat of this car. If what you think is true, why would I ever let you live?"
   
Larcel even spoke up. "Seriously! Exposing this big WAP secret while you're sitting in a car with two armed WAP agents? That's suicidal."
   
Marque's face didn't change. "You're right. But to be frank, I don't give a fuck. And anyway, you wouldn't execute me here, in a government vehicle - it would be a mess. But I have no doubt that one day I'll wake up and pour myself a cup of coffee that I shouldn't have. And when that day comes, I'll take it."
   
"We don't do those kinds of things, sir." Larcel said.
   
"Like hell you don't."
   
"Sir-"
   
"Anyway, all that matters is my oath to the Republic. I'm not committing treason over here, Schuyler - I carry out your every order to the fullest extent of my abilities. But don't think that means I'm going to hide my contempt at what you stand for."
   
Sounds familiar, I thought to myself. But I understood then that this man was a great asset to our country, however impolite and insecure he may be.
   
"Director Marque - you can believe me or not, but every action that the World Agency of Protection takes is for a greater good. There are things that exist that you simply cannot understand."
   
He chuckled. "Yeah, say the company line. Now, pardon my interruption and I'll finish my report."

And he did just that. We got the rest of our FBI credentials and he drove us to the capitol. It was an awkward twenty minutes, with none us of us even exchanging small talk. Thank god for my phone. The Samsung Galaxy I had in my jacket pocket was truly a marvel of technology, and I loved it so much, I'd been actively trying to restrict my use of it at the time. But that car ride deserved a Wikipedia session.

The city of Olympia itself wasn't much. As far as majestic Pacific Northwest towns go, you'd be better off in Seattle or Forks. Olympia was a Sunday kind of city, a place where everything was slow and winding down. No imposing redwoods or sprawling beaches called this village home, and if you looked at a picture of the Olympia skyline, you might mistake it for a town in the Midwest.
   
The capitol building was just as solemn and faceless. It almost looked like an addition to the building next to it, which was twice as large and about twenty times as awe-inspiring. That building was the monolithic Temple of Justice, and I so wished that Cable had presided from there instead of this roach motel. Marque escorted us into the capitol building, but he handed us off to his young deputy director, Omar Cantillo, as soon as he could.
   
"Until next time, Director," I said pleasantly. The man didn't even leave with parting words of his own, just skulked off and left us with this bright-faced treasure.
   
Agent Harris, Agent Kinsey, it's a pleasure to meet you both," Cantillo said, smiling more than the situation called for. "Director Marque has told me so much about you both. It's an honor to have you in our service."
   
"Likewise, Deputy Director," Larcel said. "But if you don't mind, time really is of the essence here. We'd like to brief the governor as soon as possible."
   
"Yes, of course. Please follow me, agents." Cantillo took us down the wide hallway, where any activity involved an old man in a suit talking to another old man in a suit. Lifeless pictures of archaic leaders drooped on the walls, and I probably saw enough American flags to supply a Macy's 4th of July sale.
   
We eventually reached a set of double doors at the end of the hallway. Two young men in suits and sunglasses stood on either side, and they opened the doors for us as we approached them. We came to the other side, and I was faced with an immense courtroom-style office, with giant ionic pillars on either side of a fine mahogany desk. But there was a little sitting area in front of that, and that's where Governor Cable sat, a middle-aged man, but already fat and white-haired. He glanced to me immediately, with a solemn look of apology in his eyes.
   
"Ah, Omar, these must be the agents you were telling me about." Cable went through his process of standing up, and with the gargantuan stature of the man, it was quite a production. "Jedediah Cable, at your service. He extended his hand, which was admittedly becoming a rare nicety these days. Larcel and I both shook it and introduced ourselves.
   
"Agent Kinsey, great to meet you, sir," Larcel said, shaking his hand first. She could be quite the brownnose when she had to be, it seemed.
   
"Agent Harris," I simply said. "Now, we have a lot to talk about, Governor."
   
"I'll leave you to it," Cantillo said, and he modestly left the room after exchanging goodbyes with Cable.
   
"Yes, we do," Cable said to me. "Now, Omar said something about one of our boys gone missing?"
   
"That's the thing, sir," Larcel said. "Our new information concludes that he's dead. He was State Trooper Kyle Casey, twenty-nine years old. He was killed by a 7.62 caliber bullet in his home from 700 meters away."
   
"Wha…?" Cable's mouth hung open.
   
"We have reason to believe that the perpetrator works in your office, Cable," I spoke up. "We're going to need the records of every state employee in the capitol from the past five years."
   
"This-this is ridiculous," Cable spouted. "My staff are good men, I trust every last one of them boys."
   
"I'm afraid that doesn't matter to the FBI," I told him. "As I said, we need to review those records."
   
Cable looked around the room, like he was thinking of something to say. After the hesitation, he said "Ohhh. Well, that should be fine, I suppose. Problem is the records aren't here, they're in the Governor's Mansion."
   
I gave him an inquisitive look. "Government files in your own home, sir? If I can be frank, isn't that a bit of an overstep of your privilege?"
   
Cable's jovial mask didn't waver. "Agent Harris, if I can be frank with you, this place isn't much to look at, and it isn't too useful either. The mansion has a lot more space, and it's far better equipped to store the very clean records we keep. Why don't you join me there at 4:00? I'll give you the keys and you can have all the time you need to resolve this atrocity."
   
"If you don't mind, Governor," I said, "this is urgent. We need to head to your mansion immediately if that's where the records are."
   
"By all means. We'll take the limousine.
   
The vehicle he referred to was an unnecessary trophy of a car. It was adorned with all the most painstakingly fine details, and I surmised that this overindulgence had cost the state a mighty high dollar. We entered the ride after Cable did - the man hoisted himself up into his transport in a practiced, difficult way. After we settled in, we smoothly drove out of the square, past the elegant Hall of Justice, and onto the streets of Olympia. The ride to Cable's mansion was when I decided to ease off and let Larcel do some of the work.
   
"So what makes you two think that it was a statie who did this despicable shit?" Cable asked. "It makes me sick to think that someone is pulling the wool over my eyes."
   
I didn't say anything, and Larcel recognized that.
   
"That's classified," Larcel said. Wow.
   
"We'll present any relevant information to you as it occurs," I told him, hoping to quell his inevitable hurt dignity.
   
"All right," Cable said slowly. "But I want to know who it turns out to be. You boys - excuse me, you agents, will let me know, right? Your man out in Washington's good company, he's always treated me right and I like to think I've done the same."
   
"Of course, sir," Larcel said. "We're here to help you, not to get in your way."
   
"Glad to hear it, darling."
   
"That being said, you must understand there's very limited information we can give you at this time."
   
"Of course, love," he said with a smile. And then, as if he didn't hear her, he turned to me and asked,"Now, Mr. Harris - is there anything else you can tell me about this murder? I knew that kid's pap, and I'd just…I'd like to know."
   
"Didn't you hear the agent?" I said sharply.
   
He gave me a confused look, didn't say a word, so I spoke again. "Agent Kinsey and I have the same level of authority. You will not dismiss her, or I will dismiss you. Am I clear?"
   
His face turned into a spiteful one now. "Fella, I don't know where you come from thinking you can step up to me and speak like that, but I can tell you-"
   
"You can't tell him shit," Larcel spoke up. "We represent the federal government, and unless you want to become a criminal, you bend to us. Not the other way around. Now please ease off on this southern charm, it's giving me a headache."
   
She finally stopped playing nice with him. I wasn't surprised, it's hard to keep up that subservient posture to a man like Cable.
   
Cable straightened himself up and cleared his throat. "Very well. I'll show you to the records room and then I'll be off."
   
Larcel just nodded, an appropriate response. The rest of the car ride was burdened with a heavy silence, but luckily, it didn't last long. In another two minutes, we pulled up to the front circle of the Governor's Mansion.
   
The mansion was the exact opposite of the capitol. Here, there were lush gardens and intricate fountains. The windows were expertly designed, the chimney breathed out puffy smoke, and the entire place welcomed you into it. We parked next to a giant stone fountain with a lavish arrangement of roses around it. And then we walked out from the limousine and into Cable's excessive home.
   
The front room was just as magnificent as the outside - there was a candelabra and a set of stairs that spiraled upward. But Cable walked us to the right, down a well-adorned hallway.
   
"The records room is in the basement, Here, we can take the elevator."
   
Elevators. That's another one of those weird, nearly unnatural  things. It's the same falling feeling as an airplane's descent, just a hundred times more mild. Still, I was willing to ride this one, because it gave me the perfect opportunity to dose the Governor with an XA injection. It should be an easy enough neutralization - the XA compound manifests as a heart attack a few days after it's introduced.
   
We reached the elevators, and I pressed the call button. A few seconds later, Cable spoke.
   
"Ah shit, I forgot my phone. You two go on down, I'll meet you down there." He began to walk back toward his car.
   
Worked for me. The less time I had to spend with the man, the better my day became. And there were plenty of opportunities to neutralize him anyway. The elevator eventually came to our level, and Larcel and I stepped into it. I pressed B3, where the records room was, and the elevator doors closed shut. The machine began to take us down.
   
"Don't tell me this sca-" Larcel's insult toward me was cut short, as suddenly all the lights in the elevator turned off and we stopped moving. Larcel and I immediately put on our night-vision sunglasses, and she was the first to speak.
   
"Jack! He knows."
   
"Yeah," I said angrily. "Someone in the fucking FBI probably tipped him off. But this was pretty damn stupid on his part. Now we know he has a mole there."
   
"It isn't stupid if he kills us!" Larcel reminded me.
   
"That's not going to happen," I said, looking around. The elevator we were in was definitely an old one, but it didn't have a hatch on top. Of course it couldn't have been that easy. And to further complicate things, a wave of heavy gas suddenly began to emanate from the vents.
   
"Avery, try to grasp anything you can."
   
"Wait, what?" But before she had even finished her sentence, I was slicing through the elevator floor with my WAP-manufactured heated cutting tool. It had the temperature of a blowtorch, while still just being a hot piece of metal and not a flame. Even in my old age, I'm consistently amazed at the wonders our technicians think up.

I heard Larcel cough. "Fuck…" she gasped. "Jack, there's no way out."
   
I completed the burning red square, and witnessed a large chunk of the elevator suddenly sailing into the darkness below. "Go! The floor!" I started coughing, too.
   
Larcel looked down the elevator shaft. "Oh, god."
   
"Grab the guide rail and lead yourself down. Hurry!" I had my head to the floor now, trying to stay away from the gas before it filled up the elevator car completely.
   
Larcel began to ease herself into the gap, and I heard her say "I got it," before I got all light headed. I told myself to keep it together, and soon I saw Larcel was gone.
   
I looked down the hole before finding the long vertical rail that the car was attached to. Grabbing it, I carefully pulled the rest of my body into the darkness.
   
"Larcel!" You down there?"
   
"Yeah, Jack! Right here."
   
I heard her voice, she couldn't be any more than 4 feet beneath me.
   
"Okay, keep going down. Try to find a landing. There should be a red button on the bottom."
   
"All right." I stayed there a moment to give some space between me and her, but when the gas from the elevator car began to trickle into the shaft, I went down a few feet.
   
A half minute passed, and right when I was about to call down to Larcel, I heard a loud machine noise from above me.
   
"They're cutting the line," I said quietly to myself.
   
I heard a faint cry from beneath me. "I can't find a button, Jack!"
   
"Look harder!"
   
"There's nothing here!"
   
I began to frantically move down the pole, and when I came to the first landing, I could see the outline of Larcel below me. I looked at the bottom of the landing, and sure enough - no emergency release. What the fuck? It was some kind of customized system?
   
"I told you." She said this dryly.
   
I didn't respond, just looked to the elevator doors and took a breath before trying to pry them open.
   
"He's cutting the line, Avery," I told her.
   
"What?!"
   
The doors wouldn't budge. Fuck.
   
"Schuyler! I am not dying in this creep's vacation house! Tell me you have a plan?"
   
The machine sound above quietened and turned into more of a grinding. I mentally groaned. It was now or never.
   
"Let go," I calmly told my partner.
   
"What the fuck-"
   
"Trust me or die. Just let go."
   
And with that, I plummeted down the shaft.
Last Edit: July 13, 2017, 10:04:22 AM by SecondClass


 
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things that aren't in block style format are frustrating to read on this site


 
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"With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censured, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably."
—Judge Aaron Satie
——Carmen
things that aren't in block style format are frustrating to read on this site
https://pastebin.com/qdG4AzPv


 
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yes they sound different

though that's the sort of question you want to ask after the fact


 
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"With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censured, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably."
—Judge Aaron Satie
——Carmen
yes they sound different

though that's the sort of question you want to ask after the fact
what do you mean? after what?

thanks for reading the piece btw


 
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yes they sound different

though that's the sort of question you want to ask after the fact
what do you mean? after what?

thanks for reading the piece btw
in my opinion, it's better to ask questions later, after your subject has already read your piece

that way, it's a completely natural read, and i'm not specifically looking for things

it's just to minimize bias—like, if i'm concerned that i have a character who swears too often, i'm not gonna ask you "does this character swear too often?" because then you're gonna be homing in on that specific thing, rather than allowing the rest of the piece a chance to perhaps justify the level of profanity (or not)

it wasn't a huge problem here, because i think you distinctified the characters' personalities well enough to where i don't feel like i'm being biased by saying yeah, they sound like two different people

that being said, your grammar needs a bit of work, too, but i'm sure you're already aware of that
Last Edit: July 09, 2017, 10:39:52 PM by Verbatim


 
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"With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censured, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably."
—Judge Aaron Satie
——Carmen
yes they sound different

though that's the sort of question you want to ask after the fact
what do you mean? after what?

thanks for reading the piece btw
in my opinion, it's better to ask questions later, after your subject has already read your piece

that way, it's a completely natural read, and i'm not specifically looking for things

it's just to minimize bias—like, if i'm concerned that i have a character who swears too often, i'm not gonna ask you "does this character swear too often?" because then you're gonna be homing in on that specific thing, rather than allowing the rest of the piece a chance to perhaps justify the level of profanity (or not)

it wasn't a huge problem here, because i think you distinctified the characters' personalities well enough to where i don't feel like i'm being biased by saying yeah, they sound like two different people

that being said, your grammar needs a bit of work, too, but i'm sure you're already aware of that
Ah, that makes sense

and where does my grammar need work? I know I'm no wordsmith, but I tried to proofread out any errors. also, any other notes before I continue on? I guess the first page is pretty expository, but I tried to make it natural


 
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Spoiler
Five minutes notice I was given for this case,[1] what a bunch of bullshit. Anyway, though,[2] I was at Francis Square, [3] saw that place a hundred yards away from the edge of the street. The information we were given was appeared to be[4] accurate -[5] how couldn't it have been? That old maniac was scared out of his mind, but at least the[6] The trip up there was easy enough. [7] No one Nobody[8] lingered out of their homes this late, and it was still far too early soon[9] for any early risers. When we[10] got to the edge of this purported residence, Larcel stopped and looked toward[11] me.

"Do you want to lead?" She was still mad, but she didn't want to show it.

"Sure." I reluctantly stepped forward and continued toward the house. It was certainly the kind of place that would provoke myths about it - black curtains fluttered in the wind, and the bleak walls begged for[12] me to look away. It only served to solidify my hypothesis that this place was blackened[13]. We cautiously made our way up the steps, onto the house's shambling porch.

It was obviously a residence of natural origin, but the aberration had definitely exaggerated it. The whole place looked like an R.L. Stine cover. Way too obvious, but I guess this is what society eats up. God, Francis Square - if they could see the shit that gets dragged up to Lockturne Point, they wouldn't see fear as entertainment anymore.

As I strode down the creaking deck, I glanced to Larcel. The anger towards me was still there, but now there was fear, there[14] too. I couldn't say I blamed her,[15] I figured the dark isn't for everybody. But that sight earned her a shade of pity from me.

"Avery, it's okay. It's nothing."

She gave me a look of forced puzzlement. "Yeah? I know."

I had to stop myself from betraying my stoicism. "All right, cool. It should be this up ahead." I pointed to an old decorative mirror leaning against the deck's railing. We approached it, and sure enough, we had found our culprit.

Larcel looked into the mirror and tilted her head. "No…[16]reflection. How is this possible?"

"The dark has many ways of altering our world. Part of it is illusion, and part of it is fabric. I think this is the former, there's nothing here to indicate anything but a T1 case.[17]

"T1, first class transport. So a looking glass. A window?"

I smiled at how quick she was getting this. Of course most of the people who have earned my trust had come from Phlaurel's, but she seemed like an exceptional one, right from the start - despite her sordid history. "That's right. My guess is that our aberration is a weak one trying to terrify people. Collect more deaths."

Larcel couldn't help but smile. I knew it, she loved this job. "That would make sense!" She[18] said, looking toward the mirror. "So, just the basic neutralization? I don't think this needs anything else."

"Yes, that should do it."

There was a pause I didn't expect.

"Proceed with the neutralization, Avery."

She looked at me and gave a chuckle. "Yeah, no thanks."

I cracked a smile too. "You aren't superstitious, are you?"

"No!" she quickly said, but I knew. That made me laugh, the thought of an agent from WAP being scared of social compulsions invented to keep you frugal. 'Spill any of my salt or crack any of my mirrors and you'll get bad luck!'[19] It's not hard to see why people started to live by that kind of nonsense.

"Hey, don't laugh at me, man," she said. "I don't need that extra weight on my mind. You're competent enough, find a rock." She smiled at me.

"Unbelievable," I said as I went towards the yard. What was really unbelievable even less believable,[20] though, was how quick Larcel had come around. Mad at me for doing my job, then happy because she started doing the interesting part of hers.

It wasn't hard to find a rock, and so I soon came back to the deck with one. Of course, the aberration was in the mirror now - a perfect duplicate of me.

"I don't toy with you like some of us." I raised my arm, and the aberration predictably shook its head, tried to stop me through body language, but it was no use. The T1 vessel was destroyed by a natural, amazing rock and all was right. I got that flighting feeling of accomplishment, as usual, but Larcel looked shaken.

'[21]Something wrong, Agent?" I tried not to empathize the last word, but I probably did anyway.

"Of course not," she lied said, obviously lying[22]. "I was just - I wasn't expecting it to try to…[23]"

"Bargain?" I finished for her. I then continued, "That look of fear in its eyes was a mimicry. Fear is a human quality - an aberration like that can't cannot[24] comprehend the feeling. It was trying to illicit[25] sympathy from us, which is why we can't it give any[26]. The dark isn't foolish, Avery. Like any parasite, it learns how to best feed off its host."

"Why can we only break the vessel, though?"[27] Larcel asked. I thought to myself, here we go.[28] The next question she asked was a normal one, but still one that I didn't like to answer. "Why can't we end that thing for good?"

I sighed before I answered. "Your curriculum at Phlaurel's taught you the standards for neutralization, exorcism, and containment. There's a reason that elimination isn't a subject - it doesn't exist. When these anomalies bind themselves to our world, they have to follow the laws of our reality. The bindings they use are things we know, things we can neutralize. But the aberrations themselves are nothing but dark." I looked away from Larcel, unsure of how to proudly explain the concept. "There's nothing we can currently do to challenge the dark directly, just as they can't challenge us in that manner." She looked disappointed, so I added[29] "Believe me, I'd love to end this sick cycle. But it's all we can do, keep the cycle going so we don't end up on the wrong side of it. Do you understand?"

She hesitated, then simply said[30] "Yeah. I do."

I was more perceptive than she would've liked. "You're still conflicted. You want this to be easy and pure. That's only natural - complexity is a path to corruption. But I've learned the hard way that when you step into this fight, you lose some of your nature. I didn't want to dose our informant back at that station any more than I want to do anything I do in the duty of light. But you can't hold onto your purity like the rest of our world and still expect to be a capable warden against these terrors."

"That's what judgment calls are for," Larcel said, the fire I saw at the station back in her eyes. "We don't have to make ethical choices all the time, but when we can, we should. Why the hell not?"

There she went again. I was beginning to worry about Larcel. She had the competence for this field, surely. But a tumor of doubt grew in my mind that she may not have the philosophy for it.[31]

"You say 'ethical' - ethics are what keep society peaceful, they're what keep the trains running on time. What we deal with is right and wrong: morality. And morality doesn't care for suffering or altruism, it cares for the natural and unnatural. If there was even an iota of a chance of him convincing people what he saw, or even worse, them becoming corrupted by it, then I made the right choice."

She shook her head. "What about the people he did ramble to? Isn't there an 'iota' that they could take him seriously?"

"As you said, it's a judgment call. What our informant saw was real - he knew it to be certain. They thought it the ramblings of a man with too much liquor in his stomach. And at best, he would shake it off as just that,[32] a night of too much drinking. But that dark would still linger in his mind. Even in the sense of petty ethics, how would relieving him of that burden not be a service to him?"

Larcel was silent, so I continued. "You know, before we had amnestics[33] the policy was to eliminate our informants."

She scoffed. Still mad, illogically so. "Why is that no surprise to me?"

"It's what needed to-"

"No," she said, glaring at me. "Just stop. You know, I only joined WAP because I thought at least I could still make a difference here. Maybe I still can. But I didn't betray my brothers and sisters to get on your propaganda infested[34] mental level,[35] I did it so their good wasn't for nothing. Don't mistake my willing leave from the coalition as abandoning what it stood for."

"This is dangerous talk, Agent. Remember that deviation from our mission is cause for expulsion."

She was furious now. "Then fucking report me, Jack. This isn't 1984[36], even WAP doesn't have a stamp on my thoughts. If you think I'm going to do anything but what I took an oath to do, then you don't know me. I won't let my common decency get in the way of global protection, but I'm damn sure not going to hide it either."

I rolled my eyes. Technically, she was right. But it still wasn't a proper mindset for a soldier of the light. "Fine, Agent Larcel. Keep holding onto that if it makes you feel better. It's only another rung for aberrations to cling to."

"At least the rung is there for the rest of us to grab, too," she said, twisting my metaphor[37]. "Now I'm sure Dezel wouldn't want you to loiter at an unnatural site. Let's go." She took off toward the car.

"And who's the stickler now?" I said in a playful manner, following her. She was silent, and I dropped the conversation. I may have been the best agent this century, but I was no conversationalist.

Larcel took a pack of cigarettes out of her jacket before entering the passenger seat of the car.

"You smoke those things?" I asked incredulously, sliding into the driver's side.

She scoffed as she lit it, as if that was a ridiculous question. "Of course I do."

I shook my head as I turned the key in the ignition. "I will not abide that disgusting toxin in this car. Look - you're already getting your odor everywhere."

"Not your car," she said flippantly. "Deal with it."

I was getting slightly irritated now, I'll admit. I didn't refuse to move the vehicle or anything - we began to cruise down the dead country road - but I wouldn't let her have this. "I will remind you, I'm the senior agent here. All calls are at my discretion."

Larcel took a long drag before responding. "Yeah, this isn't exactly a 'call'. There's no threat to world protection or the natural stasis here - just to your oh-so-delicate sensibilities."

I couldn't help[38] but roll my eyes. She lacked the respect toward me that I deserved. "Whatever, Agent. Smoke it up. If you want to be unprofessional, it will be reflected on your performance brief."

She looked at me, this time the incredulity in her eyes. "You would fucking mark me down for having a cigarette? Jesus Christ, man, this is beyond by the book and into literal pettiness."

I shook my head. "It has nothing to do with you. You're on a case right now. What's next, am I going to see you hit up our informant for a sip of his flask? Maybe stop by the local[39] high school and see if a degenerate kid[40] will sell you a doobie?"

"You are unbelievable," she said, tossing her lit cigarette out the window. "Cigarettes don't get you high or wasted, they calm your nerves."

"Any recreational substance affects your judgment, Avery. And-"

"It's Agent Larcel."

I had to pretend that didn't hurt a little. "Yes. Agent Larcel. And when you're representing our order, you need to be in peak physical and mental condition, in every way. A taste of mental freedom at the expense of your senses is far from worth it."

She scoffed and just stared ahead without responding.

"Hate me for it if you want, Agent. I'm your partner, not your friend. You have off-time, smoke all the cigarettes you want to then."

"Oh, I intend to."



It was a few days before I saw Larcel again. I had been given a more serious case by Dezel - she wanted me to take Sabin or another veteran agent, but I could do this alone if I had to, and I wanted Larcel to see this anyway. Her face showed a bit more hesitation this time, and as soon as she entered the car, she began to babble to me.

"Agent Schuyler, I am…so truly embarrassed about my hesitation to carry out the standard amnestic procedures last Saturday. I can't say I rescind my stance on my cigarette usage, but I gave a lot of thought to what you said about Garcia, and you're right. He's better off now than before. Just know that any conflict I have with you isn't personal, I just want to do my job and do it right."

I smiled. "That's very big of you to say, Agent Larcel, thank you."

"Please, just call me Avery. There's no need for such formalities between us, I was just…annoyed the other day."

"I understand. Now, shall I brief you on what we're dealing with?"
i converted this to block style format just to make it easier for me

you can take my suggestions or leave them, but i tried my best to help out with the more technical aspects of the story, while still maintaining the style (which is the challenging part for me) and of course the content is entirely unchanged

underlined words are my own added in as suggestions; instead of deleting words, i struck them out so you can see what i changed

i got a little lazy towards the end

[1] comma splice
[2] you could omit these two words and have it flow better, i think
[3] awkward sentence—is the word "when" missing here, between "Francis Square" and "saw"? if so, you don't need the comma
[4] to eke out a more uncertain atmosphere, i recommend using the less-committal "appeared to be" over "was"
[5] i recommend using em dashes (—) rather than hyphens—microsoft word makes them automatically if you type two hyphens, or you can use alt+0151
[6] some personal embellishments:
- Old: That old maniac was scared out of his mind. The trip up there was easy enough.
- Suggestion: That old maniac was scared out of his mind, but at least the trip up there was easy enough.
- Suggestion: That old maniac was scared out of his mind. At least the trip up there was easy enough.
[7] extra space after the period—it's actually not grammatically incorrect to place two spaces after a period, but you have to be consistent about it
[8] you could say "nobody" instead of "no one" here, if you want to establish a more informal narrative voice
[9] i'm not a fan of using the same adjective twice in one sentence if you can avoid it
- Old: No one lingered out of their homes this late, and it was still far too early for any early risers.
- Suggestion: Nobody lingered out of their homes this late, and it was still far too soon for any early risers.
- Suggestion: Nobody lingered out of their homes this late, and it was still far too early for anyone else to be up.
[10] i think you should establish that Schuyler isn't alone and has a partner a little bit earlier—she kinda comes out of nowhere
[11] i personally like "towards" better than just "toward," but it doesn't really matter
[12] this is a good metaphor, but "begged for me to look away" is more grammatical
[13] what did you mean by this? did you mean haunted? that would make more sense in the context of having a "hypothesis"
[14] comma after "fear," omit the second "there"
[15] comma splice
- Old: I couldn't say I blamed her, I figured the dark isn't for everybody.
- Suggestion: I couldn't say I blamed her, though. I figure the dark isn't for everybody.
- Suggestion: I couldn't say I blamed her. The dark's not for everybody, I suppose.
[16] the proper way to do ellipses is to put a space between each period, but i don't think an ellipsis is all that necessary here in the first place
[17] you forgot to close this quotation
[18] "she" is not capitalized here—if you're gonna add "he said" or "she said" to a piece of dialogue, never capitalize it, even if the dialogue ends in a question mark or exclamation point (basically treat it as though it were a comma)
[19] NEVER use apostrophes for quotation marks, unless you want to put a quote within a quote
[20] to avoid using "unbelievable" twice, i rephrased this
[21] weirdly, you begun this with an apostrophe, but closed it with a quotation mark
[22] "she lied" implies omniscience on Schuyler's part; my edit makes it more of a personal interpretation, which may be better
[23] definitely use an em dash here instead of an ellipsis—an ellipsis leaves too long of a pause for an interruption, but a dash implies that she's actually getting interjected or cut off mid-sentence
[24] i think "can't comprehend" sounds a bit clunky, but "cannot comprehend" has a nice little cadence to it that rolls of the tongue
[25] "illicit" means illegal or unlawful; as in, an illicit substance—the word you meant to use was "elicit"
[26] you mixed up the words here—"we can't it give any" should be "we can't give it any"
[27] you could rephrase this:
Old: "Why can we only break the vessel, though?"
Suggestion: "Why is it that only we can break the vessel, though?"
this makes it so that the "we" is emphasized without actually needing to italicize the word
[28] maybe write it like this instead: Here we go, I thought to myself.
[29] a comma should go after "added"
[30] a comma should go here as well
[31] you already used the word "that" in this sentence, so omit the "it"
[32] turn this comma into a colon
[33] comma after "amnestics"
[34] "propaganda-infested" is a compound adjective, so there should be a hyphen there
[35] comma splice
[36] book titles should be italicized
[37] we can see for ourselves that she twisted the metaphor; it doesn't need to be pointed out again
[38] woah there's a random square here for some reason
[39] it's probably not necessary to specify "local" in this context
[40] instead of "a degenerate kid," say "some degenerate kid"—it sounds a lot more biting and dismissive

that's all i got
Last Edit: July 10, 2017, 01:16:10 PM by Verbatim


🍁 Aria 🔮 | Mythic Inconceivable!
 
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His eyebrows sparkling, his white beard hangs down to his chest. The thatched mats, spread outside his chise, spread softly, his splendid attos. He polishes, cross-legged, his makiri, with his eyes completely absorbed.

He is Ainu.

The god of Ainu Mosir, Ae-Oine Kamuy, descendant of Okiku-Rumi, He perishes, a living corpse. The summers day, the white sunlight, unabrushed, ends simply through his breath alone.
Yeah, they sound fine. I still haven't figured out how to write dialogue; something about the syntax throws me for a loop and everything just sounds robotic and awkward.


 
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"With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censured, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably."
—Judge Aaron Satie
——Carmen
Spoiler
Spoiler
Five minutes notice I was given for this case,[1] what a bunch of bullshit. Anyway, though,[2] I was at Francis Square, [3] saw that place a hundred yards away from the edge of the street. The information we were given was appeared to be[4] accurate -[5] how couldn't it have been? That old maniac was scared out of his mind, but at least the[6] The trip up there was easy enough. [7] No one Nobody[8] lingered out of their homes this late, and it was still far too early soon[9] for any early risers. When we[10] got to the edge of this purported residence, Larcel stopped and looked toward[11] me.

"Do you want to lead?" She was still mad, but she didn't want to show it.

"Sure." I reluctantly stepped forward and continued toward the house. It was certainly the kind of place that would provoke myths about it - black curtains fluttered in the wind, and the bleak walls begged for[12] me to look away. It only served to solidify my hypothesis that this place was blackened[13]. We cautiously made our way up the steps, onto the house's shambling porch.

It was obviously a residence of natural origin, but the aberration had definitely exaggerated it. The whole place looked like an R.L. Stine cover. Way too obvious, but I guess this is what society eats up. God, Francis Square - if they could see the shit that gets dragged up to Lockturne Point, they wouldn't see fear as entertainment anymore.

As I strode down the creaking deck, I glanced to Larcel. The anger towards me was still there, but now there was fear, there[14] too. I couldn't say I blamed her,[15] I figured the dark isn't for everybody. But that sight earned her a shade of pity from me.

"Avery, it's okay. It's nothing."

She gave me a look of forced puzzlement. "Yeah? I know."

I had to stop myself from betraying my stoicism. "All right, cool. It should be this up ahead." I pointed to an old decorative mirror leaning against the deck's railing. We approached it, and sure enough, we had found our culprit.

Larcel looked into the mirror and tilted her head. "No…[16]reflection. How is this possible?"

"The dark has many ways of altering our world. Part of it is illusion, and part of it is fabric. I think this is the former, there's nothing here to indicate anything but a T1 case.[17]

"T1, first class transport. So a looking glass. A window?"

I smiled at how quick she was getting this. Of course most of the people who have earned my trust had come from Phlaurel's, but she seemed like an exceptional one, right from the start - despite her sordid history. "That's right. My guess is that our aberration is a weak one trying to terrify people. Collect more deaths."

Larcel couldn't help but smile. I knew it, she loved this job. "That would make sense!" She[18] said, looking toward the mirror. "So, just the basic neutralization? I don't think this needs anything else."

"Yes, that should do it."

There was a pause I didn't expect.

"Proceed with the neutralization, Avery."

She looked at me and gave a chuckle. "Yeah, no thanks."

I cracked a smile too. "You aren't superstitious, are you?"

"No!" she quickly said, but I knew. That made me laugh, the thought of an agent from WAP being scared of social compulsions invented to keep you frugal. 'Spill any of my salt or crack any of my mirrors and you'll get bad luck!'[19] It's not hard to see why people started to live by that kind of nonsense.

"Hey, don't laugh at me, man," she said. "I don't need that extra weight on my mind. You're competent enough, find a rock." She smiled at me.

"Unbelievable," I said as I went towards the yard. What was really unbelievable even less believable,[20] though, was how quick Larcel had come around. Mad at me for doing my job, then happy because she started doing the interesting part of hers.

It wasn't hard to find a rock, and so I soon came back to the deck with one. Of course, the aberration was in the mirror now - a perfect duplicate of me.

"I don't toy with you like some of us." I raised my arm, and the aberration predictably shook its head, tried to stop me through body language, but it was no use. The T1 vessel was destroyed by a natural, amazing rock and all was right. I got that flighting feeling of accomplishment, as usual, but Larcel looked shaken.

'[21]Something wrong, Agent?" I tried not to empathize the last word, but I probably did anyway.

"Of course not," she lied said, obviously lying[22]. "I was just - I wasn't expecting it to try to…[23]"

"Bargain?" I finished for her. I then continued, "That look of fear in its eyes was a mimicry. Fear is a human quality - an aberration like that can't cannot[24] comprehend the feeling. It was trying to illicit[25] sympathy from us, which is why we can't it give any[26]. The dark isn't foolish, Avery. Like any parasite, it learns how to best feed off its host."

"Why can we only break the vessel, though?"[27] Larcel asked. I thought to myself, here we go.[28] The next question she asked was a normal one, but still one that I didn't like to answer. "Why can't we end that thing for good?"

I sighed before I answered. "Your curriculum at Phlaurel's taught you the standards for neutralization, exorcism, and containment. There's a reason that elimination isn't a subject - it doesn't exist. When these anomalies bind themselves to our world, they have to follow the laws of our reality. The bindings they use are things we know, things we can neutralize. But the aberrations themselves are nothing but dark." I looked away from Larcel, unsure of how to proudly explain the concept. "There's nothing we can currently do to challenge the dark directly, just as they can't challenge us in that manner." She looked disappointed, so I added[29] "Believe me, I'd love to end this sick cycle. But it's all we can do, keep the cycle going so we don't end up on the wrong side of it. Do you understand?"

She hesitated, then simply said[30] "Yeah. I do."

I was more perceptive than she would've liked. "You're still conflicted. You want this to be easy and pure. That's only natural - complexity is a path to corruption. But I've learned the hard way that when you step into this fight, you lose some of your nature. I didn't want to dose our informant back at that station any more than I want to do anything I do in the duty of light. But you can't hold onto your purity like the rest of our world and still expect to be a capable warden against these terrors."

"That's what judgment calls are for," Larcel said, the fire I saw at the station back in her eyes. "We don't have to make ethical choices all the time, but when we can, we should. Why the hell not?"

There she went again. I was beginning to worry about Larcel. She had the competence for this field, surely. But a tumor of doubt grew in my mind that she may not have the philosophy for it.[31]

"You say 'ethical' - ethics are what keep society peaceful, they're what keep the trains running on time. What we deal with is right and wrong: morality. And morality doesn't care for suffering or altruism, it cares for the natural and unnatural. If there was even an iota of a chance of him convincing people what he saw, or even worse, them becoming corrupted by it, then I made the right choice."

She shook her head. "What about the people he did ramble to? Isn't there an 'iota' that they could take him seriously?"

"As you said, it's a judgment call. What our informant saw was real - he knew it to be certain. They thought it the ramblings of a man with too much liquor in his stomach. And at best, he would shake it off as just that,[32] a night of too much drinking. But that dark would still linger in his mind. Even in the sense of petty ethics, how would relieving him of that burden not be a service to him?"

Larcel was silent, so I continued. "You know, before we had amnestics[33] the policy was to eliminate our informants."

She scoffed. Still mad, illogically so. "Why is that no surprise to me?"

"It's what needed to-"

"No," she said, glaring at me. "Just stop. You know, I only joined WAP because I thought at least I could still make a difference here. Maybe I still can. But I didn't betray my brothers and sisters to get on your propaganda infested[34] mental level,[35] I did it so their good wasn't for nothing. Don't mistake my willing leave from the coalition as abandoning what it stood for."

"This is dangerous talk, Agent. Remember that deviation from our mission is cause for expulsion."

She was furious now. "Then fucking report me, Jack. This isn't 1984[36], even WAP doesn't have a stamp on my thoughts. If you think I'm going to do anything but what I took an oath to do, then you don't know me. I won't let my common decency get in the way of global protection, but I'm damn sure not going to hide it either."

I rolled my eyes. Technically, she was right. But it still wasn't a proper mindset for a soldier of the light. "Fine, Agent Larcel. Keep holding onto that if it makes you feel better. It's only another rung for aberrations to cling to."

"At least the rung is there for the rest of us to grab, too," she said, twisting my metaphor[37]. "Now I'm sure Dezel wouldn't want you to loiter at an unnatural site. Let's go." She took off toward the car.

"And who's the stickler now?" I said in a playful manner, following her. She was silent, and I dropped the conversation. I may have been the best agent this century, but I was no conversationalist.

Larcel took a pack of cigarettes out of her jacket before entering the passenger seat of the car.

"You smoke those things?" I asked incredulously, sliding into the driver's side.

She scoffed as she lit it, as if that was a ridiculous question. "Of course I do."

I shook my head as I turned the key in the ignition. "I will not abide that disgusting toxin in this car. Look - you're already getting your odor everywhere."

"Not your car," she said flippantly. "Deal with it."

I was getting slightly irritated now, I'll admit. I didn't refuse to move the vehicle or anything - we began to cruise down the dead country road - but I wouldn't let her have this. "I will remind you, I'm the senior agent here. All calls are at my discretion."

Larcel took a long drag before responding. "Yeah, this isn't exactly a 'call'. There's no threat to world protection or the natural stasis here - just to your oh-so-delicate sensibilities."

I couldn't help[38] but roll my eyes. She lacked the respect toward me that I deserved. "Whatever, Agent. Smoke it up. If you want to be unprofessional, it will be reflected on your performance brief."

She looked at me, this time the incredulity in her eyes. "You would fucking mark me down for having a cigarette? Jesus Christ, man, this is beyond by the book and into literal pettiness."

I shook my head. "It has nothing to do with you. You're on a case right now. What's next, am I going to see you hit up our informant for a sip of his flask? Maybe stop by the local[39] high school and see if a degenerate kid[40] will sell you a doobie?"

"You are unbelievable," she said, tossing her lit cigarette out the window. "Cigarettes don't get you high or wasted, they calm your nerves."

"Any recreational substance affects your judgment, Avery. And-"

"It's Agent Larcel."

I had to pretend that didn't hurt a little. "Yes. Agent Larcel. And when you're representing our order, you need to be in peak physical and mental condition, in every way. A taste of mental freedom at the expense of your senses is far from worth it."

She scoffed and just stared ahead without responding.

"Hate me for it if you want, Agent. I'm your partner, not your friend. You have off-time, smoke all the cigarettes you want to then."

"Oh, I intend to."



It was a few days before I saw Larcel again. I had been given a more serious case by Dezel - she wanted me to take Sabin or another veteran agent, but I could do this alone if I had to, and I wanted Larcel to see this anyway. Her face showed a bit more hesitation this time, and as soon as she entered the car, she began to babble to me.

"Agent Schuyler, I am…so truly embarrassed about my hesitation to carry out the standard amnestic procedures last Saturday. I can't say I rescind my stance on my cigarette usage, but I gave a lot of thought to what you said about Garcia, and you're right. He's better off now than before. Just know that any conflict I have with you isn't personal, I just want to do my job and do it right."

I smiled. "That's very big of you to say, Agent Larcel, thank you."

"Please, just call me Avery. There's no need for such formalities between us, I was just…annoyed the other day."

"I understand. Now, shall I brief you on what we're dealing with?"
i converted this to block style format just to make it easier for me

you can take my suggestions or leave them, but i tried my best to help out with the more technical aspects of the story, while still maintaining the style (which is the challenging part for me) and of course the content is entirely unchanged

underlined words are my own added in as suggestions; instead of deleting words, i struck them out so you can see what i changed

i got a little lazy towards the end

[1] comma splice
[2] you could omit these two words and have it flow better, i think
[3] awkward sentence—is the word "when" missing here, between "Francis Square" and "saw"? if so, you don't need the comma
[4] to eke out a more uncertain atmosphere, i recommend using the less-committal "appeared to be" over "was"
[5] i recommend using em dashes (—) rather than hyphens—microsoft word makes them automatically if you type two hyphens, or you can use alt+0151
[6] some personal embellishments:
- Old: That old maniac was scared out of his mind. The trip up there was easy enough.
- Suggestion: That old maniac was scared out of his mind, but at least the trip up there was easy enough.
- Suggestion: That old maniac was scared out of his mind. At least the trip up there was easy enough.
[7] extra space after the period—it's actually not grammatically incorrect to place two spaces after a period, but you have to be consistent about it
[8] you could say "nobody" instead of "no one" here, if you want to establish a more informal narrative voice
[9] i'm not a fan of using the same adjective twice in one sentence if you can avoid it
- Old: No one lingered out of their homes this late, and it was still far too early for any early risers.
- Suggestion: Nobody lingered out of their homes this late, and it was still far too soon for any early risers.
- Suggestion: Nobody lingered out of their homes this late, and it was still far too early for anyone else to be up.
[10] i think you should establish that Schuyler isn't alone and has a partner a little bit earlier—she kinda comes out of nowhere
[11] i personally like "towards" better than just "toward," but it doesn't really matter
[12] this is a good metaphor, but "begged for me to look away" is more grammatical
[13] what did you mean by this? did you mean haunted? that would make more sense in the context of having a "hypothesis"
[14] comma after "fear," omit the second "there"
[15] comma splice
- Old: I couldn't say I blamed her, I figured the dark isn't for everybody.
- Suggestion: I couldn't say I blamed her, though. I figure the dark isn't for everybody.
- Suggestion: I couldn't say I blamed her. The dark's not for everybody, I suppose.
[16] the proper way to do ellipses is to put a space between each period, but i don't think an ellipsis is all that necessary here in the first place
[17] you forgot to close this quotation
[18] "she" is not capitalized here—if you're gonna add "he said" or "she said" to a piece of dialogue, never capitalize it, even if the dialogue ends in a question mark or exclamation point (basically treat it as though it were a comma)
[19] NEVER use apostrophes for quotation marks, unless you want to put a quote within a quote
[20] to avoid using "unbelievable" twice, i rephrased this
[21] weirdly, you begun this with an apostrophe, but closed it with a quotation mark
[22] "she lied" implies omniscience on Schuyler's part; my edit makes it more of a personal interpretation, which may be better
[23] definitely use an em dash here instead of an ellipsis—an ellipsis leaves too long of a pause for an interruption, but a dash implies that she's actually getting interjected or cut off mid-sentence
[24] i think "can't comprehend" sounds a bit clunky, but "cannot comprehend" has a nice little cadence to it that rolls of the tongue
[25] "illicit" means illegal or unlawful; as in, an illicit substance—the word you meant to use was "elicit"
[26] you mixed up the words here—"we can't it give any" should be "we can't give it any"
[27] you could rephrase this:
Old: "Why can we only break the vessel, though?"
Suggestion: "Why is it that only we can break the vessel, though?"
this makes it so that the "we" is emphasized without actually needing to italicize the word
[28] maybe write it like this instead: Here we go, I thought to myself.
[29] a comma should go after "added"
[30] a comma should go here as well
[31] you already used the word "that" in this sentence, so omit the "it"
[32] turn this comma into a colon
[33] comma after "amnestics"
[34] "propaganda-infested" is a compound adjective, so there should be a hyphen there
[35] comma splice
[36] book titles should be italicized
[37] we can see for ourselves that she twisted the metaphor; it doesn't need to be pointed out again
[38] woah there's a random square here for some reason
[39] it's probably not necessary to specify "local" in this context
[40] instead of "a degenerate kid," say "some degenerate kid"—it sounds a lot more biting and dismissive

that's all i got
Thank you so much! Very detailed and helpful. I've made tons of corrections, but with some I had some justifications/questions.

[6] "How couldn't it have been" and "that old maniac was scared out of his mind" are connected ideas. I was trying to say "how couldn't it have been" because he was so shaken up. As in, no one who's that freaked out is going to give Schuyler faulty info. Is there a better way to word that?

[8] The narrative voice is supposed to be as formal as Schuyler's manner of speaking, is that a bad thing? I don't want it to be awkward to read, but I do want it to be consistent with who's telling the story.

[22] I used the omniscient wording purposely, because I wanted to imply that Schuyler is so certain of his ability to read people that he's narrating from that almost omniscient point of view. I can see how that would be awkward, though.

[23] That would make sense if he was interrupting her, but he wasn't. That would be a bit out of character, he wants her to be coming to her own conclusions, but still helping her when necessary. She was trailing off, and there was supposed to be a long pause there, as if she couldn't think of the word.

[37] I added the "twisting my metaphor" as a way to show that Schuyler is almost proud of his overly-loquacious manner of speaking. As if he was mad that she twisted it. I try to communicate a lot of his feelings about things through the actual narration itself, because I hate explainy character exposition and would rather show it. Would an adjective in front of "twisted" be better, or still too much? Like "she said, shamelessly twisting my metaphor"?

But anyway, thanks again. It really helps. I totally forgot about comma splices, I need to watch out for those don't worry - the irony is intended
Last Edit: July 11, 2017, 10:02:08 PM by SecondClass


 
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"With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censured, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably."
—Judge Aaron Satie
——Carmen
Also, my big problem is with content: I don't want too much exposition, but I don't want to leave readers confused as to who these people are and what they do. Were you confused at any point in the story? Did you want to know more about the agency and the aberrations it deals with?


 
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"With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censured, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably."
—Judge Aaron Satie
——Carmen
also you guys should write stories too

it's fun and lively

we should do writing prompt contests


 
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writing has got to be the most difficult artistic medium to master


 
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"With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censured, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably."
—Judge Aaron Satie
——Carmen
writing has got to be the most difficult artistic medium to master
I like it because of the accessibility. I have these ideas and character interactions I want to express, but I don't have actors or money. I would rather make a tv show or a film so much more, because it's astronomically easier to show and not have to tell in that medium.
Last Edit: July 12, 2017, 12:20:49 AM by SecondClass


 
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writing has got to be the most difficult artistic medium to master
I like it because of the accessibility. I have these ideas and character interactions I want to express, but I don't have actors or money. I would rather make a tv show or a film so much more, because it's astronomically easier to show and not have to tell in that medium.

yeah, and all these things just add to the difficulty of the medium.


 
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"With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censured, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably."
—Judge Aaron Satie
——Carmen
Exactly, which is why I wish I had a million dollars so I could just make a badass tv show

writing is more open in a way, but still so restrained


 
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Thank you so much! Very detailed and helpful. I've made tons of corrections, but with some I had some justifications/questions.

[6] "How couldn't it have been" and "that old maniac was scared out of his mind" are connected ideas. I was trying to say "how couldn't it have been" because he was so shaken up. As in, no one who's that freaked out is going to give Schuyler faulty info. Is there a better way to word that?

[8] The narrative voice is supposed to be as formal as Schuyler's manner of speaking, is that a bad thing? I don't want it to be awkward to read, but I do want it to be consistent with who's telling the story.

[22] I used the omniscient wording purposely, because I wanted to imply that Schuyler is so certain of his ability to read people that he's narrating from that almost omniscient point of view. I can see how that would be awkward, though.

[23] That would make sense if he was interrupting her, but he wasn't. That would be a bit out of character, he wants her to be coming to her own conclusions, but still helping her when necessary. She was trailing off, and there was supposed to be a long pause there, as if she couldn't think of the word.

[37] I added the "twisting my metaphor" as a way to show that Schuyler is almost proud of his overly-loquacious manner of speaking. As if he was mad that she twisted it. I try to communicate a lot of his feelings about things through the actual narration itself, because I hate explainy character exposition and would rather show it. Would an adjective in front of "twisted" be better, or still too much? Like "she said, shamelessly twisting my metaphor"?

But anyway, thanks again. It really helps. I totally forgot about comma splices, I need to watch out for those don't worry - the irony is intended
re: [6]
upon reinspection, you're right, i guess it's fine the way it is

re: [8]
i see, that's fair enough—that's not a problem at all; schuyler can be formal, just remember to keep him human

re: [22]
i see where you're coming from, but i'd still be wary—a character who thinks of himself as omniscient is different from someone who is omniscient, and it generally reads better as a story if that personality flaw is illustrated with a hint of arrogance, hence my suggestion—it's not a huge thing either way, just something to think about

re: [23]
fair enough

re: [37]
yeah that could work

Also, my big problem is with content: I don't want too much exposition, but I don't want to leave readers confused as to who these people are and what they do. Were you confused at any point in the story? Did you want to know more about the agency and the aberrations it deals with?
to the second question, yeah absolutely

to the first question, a little bit confusing at first, but it got better as i read on

i thought the first paragraph was the messiest, which is why i edited that the most

overall though, it seems that you've improved it a lot

you changed the first sentence to:
We were at Francis Square, and I saw that place a hundred yards away from the edge of the street.

which is much better, but might i suggest the following:
We were at Francis Square when I spotted our rendezvous point a hundred yards away from the edge of the street.

or:
I spotted our rendezvous point at Francis Square, about a hundred yards away from the edge of the street.

the word "when" helps the sentence flow more smoothly, and is the more important change
the word "rendezvous" is cool and it helps create an atmosphere of enigma/mystery imo

as an opening line, it feels like there's something missing, though—you obviously cut out the bit where schuyler complains about having only been given a few minutes notice for the operation, which is a detail i think you should sneak in somewhere else—but as for a more gripping opening, i don't know, you could try opening with a short line of dialogue, like, "Is that the place?" or something along those lines

it's ultimately up to you how you want to open the story, but just try to make it stick in your readers' head

here's the last sentence of the first paragraph:
When we got to the edge of this purported residence, Larcel stopped and looked toward me.

try "my partner Larcel" or something to that effect

this makes it clear right away that she's not a friend, relative, escortee, etc. which is something i think you want to do

one more thing, let's go over the second and third paragraphs a bit:
Quote
"Do you want to lead?" She was still mad, but she didn't want to show it.

"Sure." I reluctantly stepped forward and continued toward the house. It was certainly the kind of place that would provoke myths about it - black curtains fluttered in the wind, and the bleak walls begged for me to look away. It only served to solidify my hypothesis that this place was darkened. We cautiously made our way up the steps, onto the house's shambling porch.

after schuyler's "sure," you could write the following
I was a bit flustered, too. We had only been given five minutes notice for this case. Nonetheless, I reluctantly...

i just think that detail is worth keeping in there, especially to give the reader a sense for both of the characters' moods, which can impact the feel of the story pretty significantly should you execute it well

i'll read the rest of what you wrote later


 
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"With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censured, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably."
—Judge Aaron Satie
——Carmen
Awesome, I added some and tried to fix the beginning. You're the best tbh


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Yeah, they sound fine. I still haven't figured out how to write dialogue; something about the syntax throws me for a loop and everything just sounds robotic and awkward.

I like to add imperfections and verbal habits to characters' speech to make them sound more natural. For instance, struggling to find the right words, or needlessly reiterating statements. These things are common in real conversations, so that's what I try to emulate to keep it from reading like a script sheet.

That's just what I do though.


 
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"With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censured, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably."
—Judge Aaron Satie
——Carmen
bump


 
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"With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censured, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably."
—Judge Aaron Satie
——Carmen
does Larcel have enough agency in the story

I'm worried it's too schuyler focused


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Dude swears too much in too short a time.

Avery is a shit character, not believable at all as an agent in a super top secret organization.

And what the fuck is up with the galaxy tidbit? Feels out of place.




Also, world agency of protection? You can do better than that.


 
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"With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censured, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably."
—Judge Aaron Satie
——Carmen
Dude swears too much in too short a time.

Avery is a shit character, not believable at all as an agent in a super top secret organization.

And what the fuck is up with the galaxy tidbit? Feels out of place.




Also, world agency of protection? You can do better than that.
How so lol? The only time he swears is during the airplane part, which makes sense because he's scared out of his mind.

um lol what? She shows competence in mainly times throughout the story. Elaborate?

I could just speak about the phone generically without the brand, but that wouldn't fit with Schuyler's report-style matter of fact speaking