this is my new series of threads in which we will practice literary discernment analyse this sentence:Andrew made a noise like a flipping pancake, marmalade spinning in mobius strips, still, without a clear communication of intent, the idea remained... subliminal.
I would change it to "Andrew made a noise like he was flipping a pancake, or marmalade spinning in mobius strips without clear intent, but the idea remained... subliminal." the sentence is honestly really confusing when phrased the way it is
Quote from: Ingloriouswho98 on September 08, 2015, 12:46:15 AMI would change it to "Andrew made a noise like he was flipping a pancake, or marmalade spinning in mobius strips without clear intent, but the idea remained... subliminal." the sentence is honestly really confusing when phrased the way it isif you're an idiotit's quite straightforward, and your revision is a grammatical mess
Andrew made a noise like a flipping pancake, with marmalade spinning in Möbius strips; still, without a clear communication of intent, the idea remained subliminal.
Quote from: Semi-Perfect Elegiac on September 08, 2015, 12:41:24 AMAndrew made a noise like a flipping pancake, with marmalade spinning in Möbius strips; still, without a clear communication of intent, the idea remained subliminal. This is a more sensible revision.- The word "with" is added for clarity's sake.- The correct spelling of "Möbius" was applied.- A semi-colon was added to purge the comma splice.- The ellipsis was omitted.
Andrew is a genius but lacks a way to express that to society
Andrew made a noise like a flipping pancake, or marmalade spinning in mobius strips, still, without a clear communication of intent, the idea remained... subliminal.
- The correct spelling of "Möbius" was applied.
Quote from: Semi-Perfect Elegiac on September 08, 2015, 12:41:24 AMAndrew made a noise like a flipping pancake, or marmalade spinning in mobius strips, still, without a clear communication of intent, the idea remained... subliminal. i took it you were using two similes here but for gods sake the second one seemed weird as shit without clear indication that it too was one
analyse this sentence
