Negative Thoughts.

Not A Loser · March 11, 2015, 01:15:46 AM

Heyoo. Somewhat serious post here. Not really an attention grab but more asking of how people deal with living/being alive. I've been having thoughts for a long time now and the more I have to go out and do things with my life the more I feel like I should end it all. To those who know me this isn't something new but something I have been dealing with for as long as I can remember. When I was a child I wanted to run away and die in the wilderness and in middle school I began my journey on finding ways of killing myself. As I became an adult I can only think of the logistics of suicide and how it would effect those around me and how much it would cost and how to lower that cost to nothing or as close to nothing as possible.

Edit: Thanks for cheering me up everyone. I try to do my best to ignore the thoughts/fears and move on but I'm not sure if I'll be able to do it.

SecondClass · March 11, 2015, 01:17:58 AM

Spoiler

Your username is really inaccurate, by the way.

Jive Turkey · March 11, 2015, 01:18:23 AM

What are your hobbies?

Casper · March 11, 2015, 01:18:32 AM

I dunno what your asking, but i think of stuff like Dark Souls. It all just stagnates with no change.

Not A Loser · March 11, 2015, 01:18:57 AM

Quote from: SecondClass on March 11, 2015, 01:17:58 AM

I've been thinking about it. I just have to find a way that will make it so that my family wouldn't know what happened and how to prevent them from paying anything for my passing.

Elegiac · March 11, 2015, 01:19:29 AM

I usually say something like, "Get inspired," but suicide seems to inspire you. I don't know. Become a campaigner for euthanasia.

Not A Loser · March 11, 2015, 01:20:24 AM

Quote from: Jive Turkey on March 11, 2015, 01:18:23 AM

What are your hobbies?

I have 0 at the moment. Whenever I get into something I realize how inept and inadequate I am at about everything..

Hahahaha very funny Zonda · March 11, 2015, 01:20:53 AM

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R o c k e t · March 11, 2015, 01:21:14 AM

Well I am happy with my life, so I don't really have to "deal" with life. I just live it, and when bad things happen I just power through it. Knowing better things are on the other side.

There always are.

Jive Turkey · March 11, 2015, 01:21:56 AM

Quote from: Not A Loser on March 11, 2015, 01:20:24 AM

Quote from: Jive Turkey on March 11, 2015, 01:18:23 AM
What are your hobbies?

I have 0 at the moment. Whenever I get into something I realize how inept and inadequate I am at about everything..

You probably are, but so is everyone when they get into something lol. What's an example of something you liked?

Not A Loser · March 11, 2015, 01:24:41 AM

Quote from: Val 'Ketam on March 11, 2015, 01:21:14 AM

Well I am happy with my life, so I don't really have to "deal" with life. I just live it, and when bad things happen I just power through it. Knowing better things are on the other side.

There always are.

But I don't know if I can live my life knowing that I'll never be really good at anything. Everything I try to do just seems to be below par and I begin to loathe myself over it. My family would constantly praise me for nothing and as such I cannot really find joy in anything because I feel that everything is too shallow, including myself. I feel that I don't offer anything to the world, or even to a God if there is one, and as such I just want my existence to be expunged so that everything can end.

Sigma617 · March 11, 2015, 01:26:33 AM

You're probably just afraid of getting your life started.

Not A Loser · March 11, 2015, 01:28:06 AM

Quote from: Jive Turkey on March 11, 2015, 01:21:56 AM

Quote from: Not A Loser on March 11, 2015, 01:20:24 AM
Quote from: Jive Turkey on March 11, 2015, 01:18:23 AM
What are your hobbies?

I have 0 at the moment. Whenever I get into something I realize how inept and inadequate I am at about everything..
You probably are, but so is everyone when they get into something lol. What's an example of something you liked?

I tried my hand at Art and was horrible in every genre. I couldn't paint, draw or anything of the sort. I tried for months but never got anywhere.

I then moved on to Programming and I started to get the hang of it but shortly realized everything I thought I knew was pretty much wrong and I was doing everything wrong the whole time.

I tried my hand and film editing and cinematography in my off time and just found myself to be overwhelmed and not picking up on anything.

The two things that gave my joy as a child before most of this set in was Video Games and Lego. Video games are pretty much a worthless passtime and Lego is just a toy.

Not A Loser · March 11, 2015, 01:28:40 AM

Quote from: Sigma617 on March 11, 2015, 01:26:33 AM

You're probably just afraid of getting your life started.

The problem is I'm afraid of everything. I live in constant fear of inadequacy and inability.

R o c k e t · March 11, 2015, 01:31:13 AM

Quote from: Not A Loser on March 11, 2015, 01:24:41 AM

Quote from: Val 'Ketam on March 11, 2015, 01:21:14 AM
Well I am happy with my life, so I don't really have to "deal" with life. I just live it, and when bad things happen I just power through it. Knowing better things are on the other side.

There always are.
But I don't know if I can live my life knowing that I'll never be really good at anything. Everything I try to do just seems to be below par and I begin to loathe myself over it.

Even now at times, I question my ability too.

I'm not a car expert, can't build a barn, can't wire a house. But I can do music. I can do college. I can work hard at my job as a server. And at times my efficiency on these things I do drops. I don't do well all the time.

You don't have to be able to do everything perfect. You just do what you can, learn and improve, and give it your all every time. You do that, and you'll make it. We aren't all meant to build houses or be car experts. But there is something you are meant to do, that you will become great at. Keep looking for it.

In short: there is someone always better than you at something. But the opposite is also true, you are always better than someone else at it too.

Sigma617 · March 11, 2015, 01:33:50 AM

Quote from: Not A Loser on March 11, 2015, 01:28:40 AM

Quote from: Sigma617 on March 11, 2015, 01:26:33 AM
You're probably just afraid of getting your life started.
The problem is I'm afraid of everything. I live in constant fear of inadequacy and inability.

Listen. just jump in and see what happens.

Everyone is scared and you'll have plenty of time after 2 decades to be paralyzed by fear.

Jive Turkey · March 11, 2015, 01:33:50 AM

Quote from: Not A Loser on March 11, 2015, 01:28:06 AM

Quote from: Jive Turkey on March 11, 2015, 01:21:56 AM
Quote from: Not A Loser on March 11, 2015, 01:20:24 AM
Quote from: Jive Turkey on March 11, 2015, 01:18:23 AM
What are your hobbies?

I have 0 at the moment. Whenever I get into something I realize how inept and inadequate I am at about everything..
You probably are, but so is everyone when they get into something lol. What's an example of something you liked?

I tried my hand at Art and was horrible in every genre. I couldn't paint, draw or anything of the sort. I tried for months but never got anywhere.

I then moved on to Programming and I started to get the hang of it but shortly realized everything I thought I knew was pretty much wrong and I was doing everything wrong the whole time.

I tried my hand and film editing and cinematography in my off time and just found myself to be overwhelmed and not picking up on anything.

The two things that gave my joy as a child before most of this set in was Video Games and Lego. Video games are pretty much a worthless passtime and Lego is just a toy.

Ushan · March 11, 2015, 01:37:57 AM

Quote from: Not A Loser on March 11, 2015, 01:20:24 AM

Quote from: Jive Turkey on March 11, 2015, 01:18:23 AM
What are your hobbies?

I have 0 at the moment. Whenever I get into something I realize how inept and inadequate I am at about everything..

Your mixing up hobbies with skills. A hobby is something you enjoy doing, a skill is something you are good at.

Jim · March 11, 2015, 01:43:07 AM

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Jive Turkey · March 11, 2015, 01:43:24 AM

I think something you do that brings you down is that you compare yourself to other people too much. You say you couldn't draw or paint, couldn't draw or paint compared to what or who?

If you ever have time, take a listen to this(long) :

YouTube

Not A Loser · March 11, 2015, 01:55:27 AM

Quote from: Jive Turkey on March 11, 2015, 01:43:24 AM

I think something you do that brings you down is that you compare yourself to other people too much. You say you couldn't draw or paint, couldn't draw or paint compared to what or who?

I just feel that I have let all my friends down and my parents down. All of my friends are better than me at everything that I enjoy, including playing games/sports, and I makes me sad. I use to be good at Basket Ball and Frisbee but as people found out I got embarrassed and immediately dropped them and lost the skills. I hate people knowing that I'm good or bad at something and as soon as anyone finds out I feel inadequate and just end all ties to said activity.

I compare myself to others as a benchmark and if I don't meet that benchmark or get close to it I drop whatever I am trying to do and try something new. The problem is every time I try something new the more I feel that I will never find anything that I truly enjoy doing.

challengerX · March 11, 2015, 05:11:51 AM

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Ren · March 11, 2015, 12:05:11 PM

I try to think that if i at least positively influence one other life then my life wasn't completely pointless.

Ásgeirr · March 11, 2015, 12:14:10 PM

Dunno, i see death as salvation

Naru · March 11, 2015, 12:21:12 PM

Try turning it off and back on.