So my birthday is coming up... I was thinking about this tonight as I was driving home from dinner with my parents, and I had a wee bit of a breakdown. I'm feeling a little like Everyone right now:
But that's normal. I identify with him a little too much. I keep thinking I need to start working on having a happier outlook on life. But I'm not very good at it.
Birthdays right now for me are pretty difficult. Last year's for reasons I don't feel like expounding on right now, sucked. For reals. Luckily a girl from church, who I don't know well at all, was inspired to call me and we went out to dinner. So at least there was that.
The thing about being a single woman, living alone, who is not dating anyone, when all her friends have spouses or partners and children and like, whole huge lives, is that birthdays are super lonely. My friends all, by default, have people to spend their birthdays with. Even if their partner and/or family are lame, and do little to nothing, they probably usually at least get a birthday hug. And, you know, when people ask them what they will do for their birthday, they can say they will be at home with their family, and that sounds like plans even if it isn't. When people ask me what I am doing, which they already have, I shrug all awkward and feel like a big loser. Because most likely I will get sung to at work, and then come home and watch something on hulu, and possibly cry. Or, I will skype with one of my friends, who might be the only one to make time for me, but lives in another state.
I know that I could try to avoid this scene by trying to make birthday plans for myself. But this could backfire in several ways and I don't wanna. 1. people could all be too busy. Therefore confirming that I really am a pretty big loser because her friends don't make time for her on her birthday, let alone any other time. Okay... so really, that's my biggest fear. But on top of that, it depresses me that I have to ask. NONE of my friends ever make a point of asking me to do something for my birthday. Or of doing anything FOR my birthday. I do have my BFF, who will most likely call me and make her kids sing or something, but they are far away.
I think that overall, the crying is about, for yet another birthday, having to think about my birthdya and exert fairly great effort to have people around me, when, if I were where I wanted to be, with people who love me close by and IN my life, it would just happen naturally and I would be ok with that.
Feeling very Eeyorish today. Please don't tell me to buck up.
Birthday Blues ...