At least read this short intro to chaper 3 (updated again)

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"With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censured, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably."
β€”Judge Aaron Satie
β€”β€”Carmen
Spoiler
III

A sun full of promise released its beams over the young hills. They cut through the trees of the westbound woods, revealing new paths and secrets wherever they reached. The last of the nightly families of the forest finished receding into their many nooks and burrows, and a fresh assortment of natural wonders eagerly took their place. And thus the daily game began. Prey and predator - host and parasite. A new kind of parasite would rise that day, but the bright-eyed girl standing beside the biggest oak in the weald knew nothing of that.

She hummed to herself as she held the sturdy bucket and operated the well. It was a song her brother told her, a new one from the city. She couldn't believe he wouldn't come with her this morning. He would rather get to the fruit stand early than help with chores. She sighed. "Oh well." At least she could get some time alone to read, something that her papa would give her a solid whoop for.

That bright-eyed girl's name was Ellette Webb, and she couldn't get a page gone before she heard something in the trees. She wasn't a fearful girl - it was actually usually her who stood up to imaginary nighttime terrors and not her brother Ackerly - but the woods were always a secretly held phobia for the girl.

Her hand instinctively lunged for her boot when she heard the noise, and she quietly pulled out the small knife she had sheathed there. She then tried to move toward the reliable oak tree behind her, but was interrupted by a figure suddenly emerging from the forest.

It was a brown-haired lady wearing heavy leather armor. A second woman quickly followed her - much younger with intense red hair and wearing the same armor.

The brown-haired woman cursed when she saw Ellette. "Sard! I told you we should have went separately," she said, her voice sharp and commanding, yet noticeably light in tone.

The red-haired woman sighed. "I apologize, my lady. But what will we do?"

The eyes of the brown-haired woman shut, and there was a long pause. "Look away, Lee," she eventually said quietly.

"My lady, she is a child."

"What would you have me do, Madam Clarke?" She looked up at the trees with sorrow in her face. "Us being together here would be met with civil war."

Throughout this entire conversation, Ellette was simply standing there, shaking. But she was a smart girl.

"I will be as silent as a grave," she said quickly. "Please. You will be killing more than one person if you do this. My mother is sick. She depends on my aid. My 'lil sis and twin brother too. I do not even know who you folks are."

The brown-haired woman sighed. "Little girl, I cannot trust your word. And what I do cannot be undone by a stray thread. If you make this simple for me, it will not cause you suffering."

Ellette screamed and fled into the forest, and the brown-haired woman chased after her immediately. The red-haired woman stood there, unsure of her role.

It was an hour before the brown-haired woman returned to the clearing. "I expected assistance there, Clarke." She said this with fire in her voice.

"I have sat here for the last hour and contemplated on your inevitable fury towards me for doing what my heart tells me is righteous, and I have chosen to bear no defense. Expel me or execute me - I cannot say I give concern toward the outcome."

A lack of dialogue granted the forest an illusion of peace. The calls of all kinds of animals - both avian and terrestrial - filled the morning air, while the calming sounds of a nearby river complemented these communications.

After continuing to hold her gaze toward her counsel for a moment, the brown-haired woman scoffed and looked away. "On account of your treachery, the little ruffian got away. Though I think she lives nearby. She was fetching water."

The brown-haired woman was Joanna Mautner, and her sad-faced companion was Lee Clarke. They hailed from London and Birmingham, respectively. Joanna's humble birth betrayed her gargantuan role in the world order, as she was none other than the Speaker of Aco itself, and less impressively, the overseer of the Wardens of the Spirit - a group with the seemingly sole dedication of protecting the king of England and all of his holdings.

Lee was a soldier in that guild, but a cancerous sect of less than loyal members thought her as one of their own. Luckily, that was Joanna's intention, and while Lee may have been steadfast in her espionage, it had constantly inflicted guilt upon her conscience. She didn't like to lie. And she certainly didn't like to kill.

"Do not pursue this further, I beg of you. The girl was from the country, she has no way to tell a soul of what she saw. And besides that fact, why would she?" There was no response. "Please, Joanna."

Joanna turned away from Lee. "The slightest doubt is doubt I cannot abide."

And so she returned to the shadowed woods, leaving Lee alone and destroyed.

Joanna trounced through the woodland, constantly looking side to side for any sign of the girl, but she was ultimately headed for Abernathy's Cross - the only village within five leagues of the well. Another town, farther from the well, was Coventry, but Joanna figured that the girl couldn't live that far away.

The trails and pathways Joanna had taken so many times before hadn't betrayed her, and she reached the humble village by midday. While she walked there, she recounted the times with her own brother, remembered that sense of family. It made you feel like your childhood gods, those people you looked up to as an infant, were secluded from the rest of the world - protected from anything you hear about happening to someone else. The thought of that divine armor being struck down by an assassin's blade was an unnatural one. And the sight of it was mind-rending.

But these musings didn't dissuade Joanna from approaching the ten-home town. The imposing sun was a spotlight on the dry land, and it didn't make the venture outside the forest easy. But nothing was easy for her - and if it was, it wasn't worth doing.

At this point in the day, almost everyone was outside. The men and their boys tilled their sparse pastures while the ladies sewed, cleaned, fed, sold, and cooked. But everyone stopped what they were doing when Joanna walked into their territory. She was an outsider, apparent by her finely-made armor, well-kept hygiene, and look of determination.

They didn't stop her or raise any questions, just stood there like portraits, watching the knight assuredly move down the road. Joanna didn't even acknowledge them, just continued to the center of the town, where a large wooden hut proudly stood. This had to be the inn.

Sure enough, Joanna was greeted by a warm lounging area when she entered the hut. Plenty of chairs were scattered across the floor, and the most comfortable ones sat in front of the smiling fireplace. The people in the inn were was incredulous as the ones outside, but they likewise didn't greet Joanna or raise a hand to her. The barkeeper, however, gave a short grunt of a hello when Joanna approached him.

"Glass of the best swill you serve here," she said with a half-smile.

The bartender said nothing for a second, his eyes warily looking around. But he eventually grumbled and skulked away, returning moments later with a dirty cup and fine glass bottle of bourbon. "You ain't from around these lands, are ya, lass?" The bartender's voice was as dry and defeated as the hills he lived in.

"I cannot say so, no," Joanna said, more to the room than the bartender. "I am Joanna, of the clan Mautner. To those unfamiliar with my name, I envy your privilege. However, I doubt there are many of such people here."

The bartender slowly nodded. "Aye. I've known of you, Madam Mautner. Why does your presence grace us here in the Cross today? We're all just humble folk here - I dunno what business a figure of your might could have with such people as we."

"A young girl lives here with her mom, little sister, and twin brother. She has blonde hair, very fair. Very bright."

The bartender was hesitant, so Joanna continued.

"Make no mistake, sir, any untruths will be revealed by the light of my mind, and met by the edge of my sword. I am a patient lady, but not a forgiving one. I would advise you to consider your next statement with caution."

The man had dealt with threats in his bar before. He had been in two wars and dozens of skirmishes. He knew how to deal with robbers and thugs of all ilk. Anyone else who came onto his land and spoke to him in this manner would be dealt with quickly - it wouldn't take much to summon his two well-trained bouncers and turn an easy win into a guaranteed one.

But this woman's threat wasn't her blade or decades of combat experience, it was her authority. This village would be razed to the ground due to a word of opposition. And so he breathed a heavy sigh and spoke. "That's the Webb girl, down by the sheep."

"A thousand thank yous," Joanna said with a smirk, flicking the man a gold coin and downing her bourbon in a single shot.

IV

A red leaf snapped from its father and reluctantly drooped down to the fresh green grass below. It was an anomaly, as spring had barely ended and the summer foliage had only newly entered the fray. But still, that signal of the year's end lay dormant on the forest floor, almost smugly.

Joanna approached the farm less than an hour later. The town was spread far apart, but still shared the same common roads. The sheep grazed helplessly in their pasture, and Joanna could see that they had space for a few crops, as well. Next to the farmland, the earth bore an unassuming stack of wood and glass - barely a shack, let alone a house. She approached the front door of the place and entered without knocking.

A canvas was spread out before Joanna, with a teenage girl in the center. She was nursing a baby while a sickly old woman reached out to her from her home on the floor. The house had no decorations or personal artifacts.

The bright-eyed girl looked up. Joanna recognized her as the girl from the clearing.

"Incredible," Ellette said. She had a weird smile on her face, but it covered the fearful tears she wanted to hold back.

"Please, Madam Webb," Joanna said solemnly, "Do not draw out your fate. I will make sure your family is taken care of."

Ellette's eyes grew large at this. "You are a noblewoman. Your word is your person. If I go with you quietly. . . into the light of God, you will protect my family as your own?"

"Let us not go that far with my obligation," Joanna said soothingly. "Instead, we can be specific and fair, to quell your fears. Your family will be moved out of this wretched structure immediately, and taken to a home in London where their daily expenses will be paid for by my clan."

"My mother is sick," Ellette said. "I want you to take her to the doctor, too. A good one."

"Of course. And your siblings will be schooled properly."

Ellette nodded and smiled. She was so scared, more than she'd ever been before. Not just of the pain of death, but of the after. She was, of course, a child of God, but a part of her doubted the presence of anything beyond the secular. She had always tried to hold onto that part in spite of the world around her, but it deeply hindered her here.

Nevertheless, she knew what was the right thing to do, and she wasn't going to waver. "That sounds good, Madam. Can we do this outside?"

Joanna nodded. "In fact, Miss, we should go into the trees."

Ellette liked that. She was out of her mind now. This was like a dream to her, and yet she knew it was all too real.

The forest, however frightful it may be, was also a place of life and death. Ellette welcomed the dramatic end to her consciousness as she exited her house with Joanna, and she recalled the many books that she had read in secret during her days. None ended like this.

They left through the back of the shack, and Joanna made sure that as few people as possible saw them. The sun was in their eyes, now lower, and on the other side of the horizon. Joanna held Ellette's hand as they approached the treeline. It comforted the both of them, but Joanna was holding it so the girl couldn't run away again.

A light mist had already established itself upon the woods, but the birds perched above cared nothing about it. Croons and melodies were loud in the air, the winged singers providing a score for the act of madness below.

"Where do you want it?" Joanna asked as they broke into the woods.

Ellette looked up at Joanna, perplexed.

"The slice," Joanna said harshly. "Do you want the head or the throat?"

Ellette was petrified. Her eyes shone no more. "Head, I suppose. But please don't do it suddenly - tell me before you do it.

Joanna's eye betrayed her mind, and a single tear emerged. But she quickly hid it and spoke. "You have my promise. Now, where do you want it to happen?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Then by the concord of the Spirit, I hereby ferry you to the other side." Joanna's gaze didn't stray from Ellette as the knight backed up and drew her obsidian longsword. A quiet screech emanated into the air, the sound of the epic sword being pulled from its sheath. Ellette looked at Joanna, the heavy blackened sword in her hand.

Ellette panicked and spoke up. "Actually-"

"You have made your choice, young one. I apologize for this."

Joanna proceeded toward Ellette as she just stood there with her eyes closed. When Joanna reached her, she took a breath. She told herself that this was how it had to be. There was nothing else that could be done while maintaining total perfection.

The knight rose her midnight sword toward the sun. She held back another ocular mutiny before sinking her sickle down, slicing it through the air.

But suddenly, a bellowing, sentience-numbing cacophony of air and sound made the lone knight lose her grip and let go of the sword. She fell to the ground and the sword fell through her left ear

The screams Joanna made in her intense suffering sounded similar to the howls of a dying predator. She tried to make an effort to remove the sword, check for other damage, but everything was too painful.

But luckily for Joanna, she suddenly had another agonizing pain rip through her.

I was Ellette holding the midnight sword now. She had pulled it out from her executor's ear in a careful way.

Joanna was in hell, but she managed to raise herself up and back up from the village girl.

"Ellette stood there blankly, looking at the sword, then at Joanna, then at the sky.

There was a bright orange cloud above the woods. Lightning crackled in it, and the bottom of the cloud was dark and immense.
spoiler for if you dont want my questions first
besides the concept (which admittedly is a done to death moral dilemma, though for a reason) what can I improve?
The first person POV gives me an excuse to be sparse with details so I'm trying to be more detailed here. Is it enough?
Last Edit: July 16, 2017, 01:53:09 AM by SecondClass


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"With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censured, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably."
β€”Judge Aaron Satie
β€”β€”Carmen
wow open your mind guys


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"With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censured, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably."
β€”Judge Aaron Satie
β€”β€”Carmen
bump

also I'm tripping now yay


 
Elai
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I didn't read the whole thing, and I'm definitely no literature connisseur, but I feel like you over-describe things a bit. "A sun full of promise." Also, some things are just awkward, like "The last of the nightly families of the forest". Keep it short and sweet. Save your imagery for the important stuff. Don't try so hard to tell the story, let it come naturally.

That's all I got.


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"With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censured, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably."
β€”Judge Aaron Satie
β€”β€”Carmen
haha yeah the first paragraph is very wordy

also, the ecosystem of the forest is important for the tone I'm trying to set
Last Edit: July 15, 2017, 10:14:45 PM by SecondClass


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"With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censured, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably."
β€”Judge Aaron Satie
β€”β€”Carmen
I didn't read the whole thing, and I'm definitely no literature connisseur, but I feel like you over-describe things a bit. "A sun full of promise." Also, some things are just awkward, like "The last of the nightly families of the forest". Keep it short and sweet. Save your imagery for the important stuff. Don't try so hard to tell the story, let it come naturally.

That's all I got.
also I thought a sun full of promise was a pretty solid line. I'm trying to say ENGLAND, 1391 without actually saying it. "Full of promise" implies in a joyful tone that there are events that are bound to happen in time.


 
Elai
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I didn't read the whole thing, and I'm definitely no literature connisseur, but I feel like you over-describe things a bit. "A sun full of promise." Also, some things are just awkward, like "The last of the nightly families of the forest". Keep it short and sweet. Save your imagery for the important stuff. Don't try so hard to tell the story, let it come naturally.

That's all I got.
also I thought a sun full of promise was a pretty solid line. I'm trying to say ENGLAND, 1391 without actually saying it. "Full of promise" implies in a joyful tone that there are events that are bound to happen in time.

i can appreciate that sentiment, i just think there's a better way to establish that.


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"With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censured, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably."
β€”Judge Aaron Satie
β€”β€”Carmen
updated she kills her