Just shit day to day throughout my life I go to school, come back tired, and then I have to either deal with internet issues or there's some stupid internet drama going on or whatever. Been listening to a lot of music lately and its felt more of an escape than the internet has. I've also been playing less video games since I got my guitar and spend more time learning and playing the guitar as much as I can, in someway its kind of a good escape. I don't really have many friends left irl so I'm pretty much just a total loner and an introvert. I'm not one that's likely to just go outside with a group of friends to some kind of bar or party or movie or whatever. People of my age and my generation have too much energy and tend to do stupid shit. On top of that you have life expenses as an adult where you gotta pay for a lot of shit. Internet, Food, Water, Electricity, Credit Card, etc.

At least I'm not alone and paying those and I still live with family and help out because I would not be able to survive on my own at all, you're always better off surviving as a group either with family or roommates, and I don't really have anyone that I would know to join up with a roommate. Getting and keeping a job out here is probably another pain in the ass, I don't know about other states but here in California, you either gotta know someone really well to get a job or you just need to get lucky. I'm attending a job fair on the 29th on campus but honestly I'm not fucking stoked about it at all. I just got back from the game development club. Our leader is hanging in there since he had surgery 2 weeks ago in the ER so he needs to take medication and shit for that, but he showed up today and was there briefly and we already are in stage 1 in development of our project, the programmers are already getting to work on the programming and we're busy having sketches and mockups of the characters of the level and what the player is going to do and how we are going to incorporate and implement our mechanics into the engine, so that's where we are with that.

I'm not the least fortunate, its not like I live in a poverty ridden area or in Africa where there is hardly anything to eat, but its still not easy. Let's just say the middle class and the 1% have it better than I do. One of the hardest things in life for me is finding contentment. I look around today whenever I'm out and looking at the people that pass by me or as I pass by them, I just feel like society itself is going downhill and heading into a direction that I won't be able to understand. Society has already been problematic to begin with but now with this new age of technology where everyone is just hooked and constantly looks at their fucking phones, we feel disconnected.

Even forums in general... I feel like that downhill of things taking the wrong turn is also on here. We already know that Modern Chivalry is pretty much dead and everyone is a fucking jerk to one another, but as a whole I feel like we've lost a lot of human decency and have progressed to be either really desensitized to violence or too offended and too pussy about it to handle any of it, there's no direct balance.

Maybe I'm just really tired right now as I'm writing this considering the sun might have fried my brain to an extent since its really fucking hot outside and I just can't think clearly or put any incoherent thoughts together right now, but I'm tried of being alive.

One of these days I'm hoping I go to sleep and I never have to wake up, never have to go online to anything, never have to go to school, never have to find a job, never have to eat, never have to deal with people's crap, whatever you wanna call it. Even though my suicidal tendencies have significantly decreased after my breakup, living is still a bitch. Its not so much that I want out of life, I just want fucking contentment. Sad truth is we will never have a utopia. Takes one asshole to ruin everything and the rest of the world becomes fucked by default. I still think there should be class and decency in moderation, but seeing the direction this world is heading towards, I don't think that's going to happen anytime soon.

You know the whole terrorist attacks that occurred in Belgium, Paris and whatnot? That really pisses me off. I'm genuinely upset by that kind of shit and its people who were just living their lives like us only to lose them. It just comes to show how easy life can just be taken away from us, and it makes me question what the point is to be even alive anymore if we're just going to die at some point or get murdered by some Islamic fuck as a sacrifice to his piece of shit Allah or whatever the fuck this shit is. I don't like extremists of any kind, they make the world fucking toxic and add more fumes to an already toxic world.

So why live? What can I do? What the hell is my purpose to be alive for? To annoy people or to be the biggest laughing stock to the species? Because lately that's where I've feel like I've been. I'm just tired of everything, the internet, real life, existing as a whole, at least existing like this spending 23 years of your life in the same city in the same state with the same people never being able to take a vacation or have enough money to go anywhere fun at least.

I guess no matter where I go or what I do, there is no way for me to escape from myself. I'm stuck. Everything else is just a distraction. Oh and seeing a therapist about this shit makes it even more depressing than it should be, I've been rather jaded since the breakup and its really hard for me to give my trust to someone, especially if it someone I don't really know.

Even my fucking dreams when I'm asleep are a lot more exciting than in the reality I live in.