Am I depressed? Probably not. I know how that feels,but I don't feel as if I'm there. But I feel a bit...lost? I'm in a strange place.

I do a lot for people because I feel I owe the world. I have a genuine belief that I am living on borrowed time. It's my own idea. And I do all these ridiculous things for all these different people, and yet, I feel lost, empty. It's actually strange, and interesting.

It's not a mater of family issues, or health issues (for the most part.) it's just a lack of self motive. And I feel like I've hit that metaphorical wall.

But I understand how much I have going my way. But there are those things i just can't seem to get over.

For example, and some of you may have seen this person before in a couple pictures I have posted. There is a girl I think is absolutely perfect in every aspect. Damn beautiful, damn perfect personality. And we had a whole FWB for about 4 months. And we were both pretty damn happy and life was perfect. Life was actually perfect. I have 0 complaints. But when it ended, it kinda sucked. And I had liked her prior and it sucked seeing her like date other dudes and all that, and now she's like interested in another guy. And in my head I'm like, shit I really don't want to have to go through this again but why do I care? So it's a whole thing. And we still hook up to this day. But she won't date me cause I'm younger, yet she says I'm the greatest person she has ever met, and feels I am too good for her (load of bs mind you.)

But there are other things. I have always been someone who for some reason was always held in high regards. Even if I just meet people, they think highly of me. Maybe it's my demeanor or the way I act, but I have no idea. And yes, I have met a lot of those expectations, and completely blown away the world, especially by 17. But I still feel unaccomplished. I still wish to attend college and pursue something I genuinely enjoy. But I don't know if that is sufficient to fill that void. It's not like I have limitless ambition, but I don't know what it is.

There are many things I wish to do with my life that I actually can do, but I don't have the time to do so. And my parents aren't open to a gap year, and summer break isn't long enough for my adventures. Perhaps I have to wait till I'm done with college and can sit down and enjoy the world and tackle it head on. But that's 4 and a half years away. And I'm not about to sacrifice my education for my yearning to experience the world.

I don't wish to sound like I feel like I'm above it all, because frankly I feel like i don't deserve any of this. And that's complete honesty.

Usually, people around my age feel this way for family reasons, or lack of a social/romantic life. My family is actually pretty great, we have a pretty solid foundation so I cannot complain and am blessed to have them. I'm terms of social, I have plenty of friends, and I never feel as if I don't have someone to talk to. More times I feel like I need alone time because of the rapid speed of everything. And my romantic life. Well, it's been pretty great. Granted I am not the 10/10 super hot bae every girl wants, I'm alright. But I have a high reputation of both satisfaction and respect. So things just kind of come my way. And I can't complain about that. In fact the things I just said are the things that are perfect. But it's to prove a point.

It's a slap to the face to have so much going for me and look back and fully understand that, and yet feel lost and empty. It's boggles my mind and it's beyond my comprehension. I'm not insane, nor do I have any mental issues. I like to think I'm pretty relaxed and down to earth. So I don't necessarily know what is wrong with me.

Maybe I'm just a stereotypical teenager going through that stage, or maybe I'm just a moron who needs a rude awakening. Who knows.

If you guys have anything to say to maybe shed some light on this, I'd appreciate it, I know it's a lot to read. Sorry.


I simply do not understand some of you guys, I don't get it. You guys jump to conclusions immediately like I'm so fake ass hole, like what have I even done to you lol. I've acted the same way since I've been at b.net and here, that's 5 years. And somehow I'm fake? I act the same way everywhere, everyone is under the false impression that because I have money I should be happy and I can't say I'm not? How is that even fair. And I'm sure none of you see anything wrong with what your saying because in your mind it's justified, yet all you do is jump to conclusions based on previous opinions of me. I get a lot of you already don't like me for a long list of reasons but come on now


EDIT:

Because a lot of people seem to believe I don't actually help people, I mind as well explain what I do with my free time, and you can dig through many of my posts on b.net for a plethora of proof of all of this. I genuinely enjoy helping people with their problems, and someone's happiness is something that I genuinely care about. For example. The aforementioned girl has been my best friend for 2 years, actually, I have been her best friend for 2 years. She hasn't necessarily returned the favor, nor do I care if she does. I helped her, completely out of the blue, because she was depressed. For two years I sacrifice non stop for her to be happy. I never asked for anything in return, just for her to be happy. That is a fact and I can literally take pictures of texts and all lol. I also am a leader in a club at my school which is centered around helping students with their issues. Regardless of what they are. We also organize retreats to help alleviate stress and help kids open up and come to terms with them. I've been doing that for years too. The only reason I am even alive is because I wanted to prevent people from falling into the same hole I fell into 4 years ago. That was the ultimatum I gave myself a few seconds before I committed suicide to give myself a reason to live, and I have outlived it to the best I could. So please. Don't accuse me of being a bullshit altruist. I never even said I was. True altruism is impossible, because at some point, you will desire something in return for your sacrifice, and no one is ever entirely selfless. And that's not an ignorant thing to say, nor is it a bad thing. But I care about everyone. I really do.

I've got to be honest with you.

You're one of the most arrogant, shallow, false, emotionally immature people I've met since I joined the Flood five years ago.

Maybe I'm wrong about you. But goddamn you need to slap yourself in the face and pull your fracking panties up.

/opinion;nooffence

I'm not offended, I'm just curious as to why you think that.

You're young, you should stop giving a fuck about stuff. Don't tie yourself down in relationships. Get good grades, go outside, do shit, explore the world and just generally have a good time. Your teenage years are usually the best.

You're young, you should stop giving a frack about stuff. Don't tie yourself down in relationships. Get good grades, go outside, do shit, explore the world and just generally have a good time. Your teenage years are usually the best.

True

Let me begin by saying that I won't lecture you on your age and how I might perceive you in nasty ways, nor I want to say that because you are young you should do whatever you want without caring.

Your behavior openly says that you feel forced into your life, into being who you are, and doing what you are told. My suggestion for you, in all truthfulness is to reconsider your values, and what's important and what is not. Education is indeed important, but on similar grounds it destroyed college for me, and made me begin anew.

Don't feel as if you should hold back things, just say what you feel.

No, because what I am feeling is terrible memories of my long time dealing with a depression that almost exploded on my hands. I don't want to share them, nor they are important to share as some sort of forewarning of what might come. This kind of thing is different for each person, and each person has their way in, and out.

What helped my way out was meeting with my Mistress, and then recently with my Master. I did some work on my own, but it wasn't that much successful. What happened during those times is that I was able to give myself a different outlook and experiences on things, and make more effective decisions which mattered on my life. It also allowed me to effectively let a lot of weight down, and as a person who is anti-social, and is also introvert, speaking with family and friends is not something I am able to do.

My suggestion above is what I truthfully think you should do.

Quote from: BC1096 on October 01, 2014, 01:39:15 PM

Don't feel as if you should hold back things, just say what you feel.

I understand, thank you.

You're rich, you have two cars which cost more money than most people see in a lifetime, you have a girlfriend who you claim to be madly in love with, and you're attractive. And you're crying because you feel lost in it all.

Maybe you're realizing your self proclaimed altruism is fake. I don't like you anymore.

...what?

I don't have a girlfriend, she won't date me lol. And I'm not saying I'm lost in it all, I'm saying I'm lost in general.

How is anything you even says remotely fair? And how does that make me being nice somehow fake?

None of those things go together. Everyone hear is under the impression that because I have money I'm not allowed to not be happy. Which is laughable at best. Like come on

And to add onto that, granted it's your choice, to not like me is just uncalled for

I think you should stop showing off the stuff you bought with your parents money. It comes off to others as bragging, just because you were born into a rich family.

And do not try to explain to me again how you bought a $600,000 car at the age of like twenty with your own money, because that is bullshit.

1. That literally has nothing to do with the topic...
2. It's not bullshit
3. Please actually


...forget it

You have typically what everyone strives. As RC said, you're rich, you're attractive, you have a good family so for a lot of people it's weird as to why you're feeling down.

And i said that. I feel as if no one read the whole thing, which would explain the whole issues of everyone lashing at me for no reason. I don't know why I feel this way. I said I was thankful for everything and blessed. It's not like I'm saying fuck it I don't want any of it. Yet somehow I'm the bad guy to everyone.

I don't know why I feel like this, hence why I'm asking for people to like help me I guess. I don't know.

You're comfortable in the life you have and can't come to terms with that fact that you have to go down in order to go back up.

Like, I don't have a job, I'm not in school, but I have a comfortable bed and many luxuries that keep me occupied.  I'm afraid of getting a job and going to school because I don't want to lose that certainty.

My advice?  Do what I should do.  Cut yourself off from your family's money (minus college)--that means lose the fancy car(s), get a part-time job, and get in school.  Make yourself into who you want to be.  Don't know who you want to be?  You'll find out once you're out on your own.  I'm extremely jealous of my friends who have moved out of the nest and have to worry about bills and such because they have one thing I don't: individuality and motivation.

So going from what I remember, you have a very nicely paying job and a bucketload of disposable income right?

Money doesn't equal happiness, I know that saying is as tired and overused as any out there but it's true.

And just as it doesn't equal happiness, you can't just buy altruism to make yourself feel good because that rarely works either. Actually doing things to help people is what might help break that wall, you don't have to blow money on everything but you (I assume) are in a position where you could easily spend time helping others. At least until you find the thing that you truly enjoy doing.

That or this is just a passing spate of the blues over the grill >.>

Why is it always assumed I don't help people with my time? Why?

That is practically my hobby. Hell, it's all I do at school. I'm in a club at school that is entirely centered around leading retreats to help students in their issues. You ask anyone that genuinely knows me and they will agree, but somehow everyone jumps to the money thing. I didn't buy altruism, I didn't even think that something you can buy.

But here I am, and no one ever gave me the benefit of the doubt. The reason why the girl I was talking about and I even started doing stuff was because I helped her for 2 years straight and sacrificed over and over again, time, and friends, for her well being and her happiness. Yet I'm just a rich pretentious prick who's living a false altruistic life.

You tell me who's being fair.

I think it's really unfair for people to say that you should be happy because of your family's wealth. Wealth never has and never will equal happiness. Once all the basic needs of life are met (food, shelter, water, etc.) increased wealth from that point will not correlate to being happier. So of course a rich person is going to be happier than a bum but a rich person isn't necessarily going to be any happier than the guy that makes $30k a year. Rich people are just that, people. You can hate them all you want because they're more wealthy than you but they're no different than you. They have feelings like all the rest of us.

Thank you, but you guys need to move past the wealth thing, please.

Quote from: RC5908 on October 01, 2014, 05:23:24 PM

Quote from: BC1096 on October 01, 2014, 03:23:22 PM

Everyone hear is under the impression that because I have money I'm not allowed to not be happy.

Literally no one thinks that.

Read what everyone is saying. Somehow me having money somehow dictates everything I do and my demeanor.

It sounds like a lot of people are claiming that because you have so much money that you should be happy. I'm not drowning in tears of sympathy for the unhappiness of someone whose car costs more than my college education, but my recommendation is to get involved in your community somehow. If you're religious, try volunteering at your church. Find a social group to become a part of. Find value outside of the typical rat race of work and school.