Serious personal question to LGBT users

Turkey · March 31, 2015, 09:33:54 PM

A while ago I found out from my mom that my sister is a lesbian. She's really reserved about it and hasn't told many people -- more specifically, she hasn't come out to me yet. We had a rocky childhood together because she has Bipolar Disorder, and what I was told by my mom is that she doesn't think I'll accept her because she thinks I'm far more conservative than I am, largely because I'm religious and in the military. I've been supportive of gay marriage ever since I was mature enough to even consider it a political issue, but I generally don't broadcast political stuff. So my question to you is, how do you think I should go about talking to her about it? Should I wait until she tells me (which is difficult because I live across the country, and that doesn't seem like a phone call sort of thing), or tell her myself? The thing is, she told my parents in confidence and I don't think it was particularly respectful of my mom to tell me, even though I asked her, because I've suspected for years.

Let me know what you think.

maverick · March 31, 2015, 09:42:40 PM

I would wait for her to come to you about it.

DAS B00T x2 · March 31, 2015, 09:48:50 PM

Well, I guess you could just go the lengthy, trust-building route and see if she's ever comfortable enough to say anything, or you could go the direct route.
In the case of the later, do try your best to seem as if you alone came to the conclusion. No need to throw mother under the figurative bus...
Minor hints (that seem unforced) in casual conversation that you're supportive of gay marriage might help ease into things. Counteract any negative notions she might have of your thoughts on the matter.

This thinking backwards thing is hard. I've never had to consider how to get someone else to come out as gay...

Not Comms Officer · March 31, 2015, 10:05:12 PM

You should stick it in her pooper.

rC · March 31, 2015, 10:08:33 PM

Do what boot said and make it known to her that you're supportive of gay marriage and gays in general. If you're right about her reservations, she'll probably open up once she knows you're cool with it.

Sandtrap · March 31, 2015, 10:23:22 PM

Hit the pause button on that. Wait for things to happen naturally.

Or, try to passively show her that it's not something she has to worry about regarding you. Steer a conversation in the directional talk of gay/lesbians.

Conversation is a powerful tool. You could even make something up, just to spark something.

Mention something like, you know some person, or you bumped into a person that you got along with, and you found out they were gay recently.

It surprised you to find out. But you were cool with it.

Really, it all depends on how much you talk to your sister. How close your relationship is. How often you talk, and what you talk about. But your best bet, is silence.

Because if you wait, does it hurt you?

Does it hurt her?

No.

Or, if you want, make a deal with your parents. Get them to talk to her, and tell them to tell her that maybe she should try talking to you about it. Get your parents to give her a push and make it seem like it was their idea since they already know about her.

That's only if you feel like it really matters.

You lose nothing by keeping silence.

Turkey · March 31, 2015, 10:25:46 PM

Quote from: Sandtrap on March 31, 2015, 10:23:22 PM

Does it hurt her?

No.

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that internalizing something as mundane as sexual orientation is very stressful, especially for someone already prone to depression, and feeling insecure about even telling a sibling does nothing but compound it.

We don't talk much, especially over the phone. It would be very unusual to casually bring it up in conversation. At that point I might as well just say I know.

Sandtrap · March 31, 2015, 10:32:37 PM

Quote from: HurtfulTurkey on March 31, 2015, 10:25:46 PM

Quote from: Sandtrap on March 31, 2015, 10:23:22 PM
Does it hurt her?

No.

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that internalizing something as mundane as sexual orientation is very stressful, especially for someone already prone to depression, and feeling insecure about even telling a sibling does nothing but compound it.

We don't talk much, especially over the phone. It would be very unusual to casually bring it up in conversation. At that point I might as well just say I know.

Talk to your parents dude.

Get them to push her into your direction. You're walking on a bomb here. Trust me on this. If your parents convince her that they think your sister should open up to you, then you're not tossing them under a bus like boot said.

If your sister is bi-polar, then she won't take the issue of her parents seemingly betraying her trust well.

But if you get your parents to give her a shove your way, and she opens up, then everybody wins.

Casper · March 31, 2015, 11:10:38 PM

You could try to sit down and talk to her, like "Lesbi honest here."

Comet · March 31, 2015, 11:24:33 PM

i dont think ive ever handled people's coming out appropriately.
they always say "im gay"
and i just reply with "i knew that already"

Mad Max · March 31, 2015, 11:33:23 PM

I'm not LGBT, but close to many who are.

First of all, I understand where your mom was coming from and giving you the heads up, but in respect to your sister, it wasn't your mother's news to be sharing. That's kind of off-putting, but neither here nor there.

In person, Skype, or a phone call might be awkward because you don't know what her reaction will be, but I would definitely reach out to her and let her know that, regardless of how your childhood relationship was, that she's your sister and you accept her any way she is. Perhaps an email or facebook message is the right medium. A written message gives her the time to digest it and respond at her own pace.

challengerX · April 01, 2015, 03:15:56 AM

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Mattie G Indahouse · April 01, 2015, 05:04:51 AM

"So sis what's your favorite latter in the alphabet?" If she says "V" then she is a dyke.

Korra · April 01, 2015, 07:44:00 AM

Let things happen naturally, ask your parents to give you a hand.

challengerX · April 01, 2015, 07:53:09 AM

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Korra · April 01, 2015, 07:55:14 AM

Quote from: challengerX on April 01, 2015, 07:53:09 AM

Quote from: Korra Valentine on April 01, 2015, 07:44:00 AM
Let things happen naturally, ask your parents to give you a hand.
Hot

shut up

Jester · April 01, 2015, 07:57:04 AM

She's family. Support her.

Ushan · April 01, 2015, 07:58:46 AM

I'd text her this:

"Hey, Mum told me that you're a lesbian and that you're worried that I won't accept you because of it. No worries, that's not something I take issue with."

challengerX · April 01, 2015, 08:00:03 AM

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Korra · April 01, 2015, 08:04:08 AM

Quote from: challengerX on April 01, 2015, 08:00:03 AM

Quote from: Korra Valentine on April 01, 2015, 07:55:14 AM
Quote from: challengerX on April 01, 2015, 07:53:09 AM
Quote from: Korra Valentine on April 01, 2015, 07:44:00 AM
Let things happen naturally, ask your parents to give you a hand.
Hot
shut up
Stop making sexual posts then

Two things we know are never going to happen.

bruh

I'm not making any sexual posts

challengerX · April 01, 2015, 08:04:49 AM

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More Than Mortal · April 01, 2015, 08:13:12 AM

Exorcism.

Super Irish · April 01, 2015, 11:14:45 AM

Don't make a point of it.

If you make it seem like a big thing, it can appear to look like you're trying to accommodate it (like it's a hassle) with your own beliefs, rather than just being laid back and a simple "Your homosexual? Oh Ok" statement.

Turkey · April 01, 2015, 11:29:01 AM

Quote from: SuperIrish on April 01, 2015, 11:14:45 AM

Don't make a point of it.

If you make it seem like a big thing, it can appear to look like you're trying to accommodate it (like it's a hassle) with your own beliefs, rather than just being laid back and a simple "Your homosexual? Oh Ok" statement.

That's the plan, I just don't know how to broach it without making a big deal of it.

challengerX · April 01, 2015, 11:38:19 AM

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More Than Mortal · April 01, 2015, 11:40:14 AM

Quote from: challengerX on April 01, 2015, 11:38:19 AM

Look I think if people can receive the news that their family died in a plane crash by text that you can text or call your sister if you think a phone call will go terribly.

But I recommend you call her. Just be honest and say your mother told you and you wanted her to know you don't have a problem with it at all and that you're still her brother and nothing can change that.

That's the route I'd go with. Bringing it up all sneaky like is just weird and will almost always come out forced and make it seem like you don't genuinely support her.

But that's my opinion based on my experiences and what I think would work best. Maybe I'm wrong.

I support this course of action, really. You know your sister better than we do, but just being direct and honest might be the right way to go.